Having a crush for 3 years - This needs to stop

Just because I mentioned smoking weed this doesn't mean I smoke weed everyday. I only smoked weed twice and it was making me feel good, that's it. I do not plan to smoke more weed because it makes my OCD worse.

Instead of blocking her on Fb I will simply not use Fb. I don't need Fb.

And oh yeah the "socializing thing": Besides exercising the second most recommended self-help tip in the world. Listen, I am not an unsocialized jerk, I have a lots of friends, I am quite popular at school, so tell me how the fuck am I supposed to socialize even more? I'll answer it for you: I am already socialized in your sense. But it's not helping. Sorry

If I would have the money and the time for it, sure. But I didn't have either this nor this. So I am searching for alternatives. I could buy one of these strange books, but I am afraid of ending as another version of myself, of my former version of myself. You know, like the book will suggest approaches to situations for example and I will change myself radically in a way I don't want to

 

Done it already, male AND female friends. The male friends were like "Keep going" and "Wait till her boyfriend leaves her you still have a chance". So, yeah, they're talking crap. The female friend I talked about it was very patient with me, extremely patient with me. But this didn't help either, her message was also like "Keep going and be open for new love", but obviously in a longer form (we talked about it for ca. 3/4 months, literally).

Good idea! But this can't be the only thing I guess, it will make me let her go but nothing else, no personal change. This is actually what I am looking for.

I got a kind of diary in 2014 during this phase. I still have it, but looking at it just disturbes me. These are random thoughts, draws and some other weird shit. It didn't help me sadly.

Since 3 years I haven't seen another girl as beautiful as her. I simply can't imagine another beauty like her on our planet. Obviously I don't know her, the only thing i know is that she is a very good student, so she rather doesn't have a bad character.

I said it once more: What I crave is the return to my former self! I don't like what I've become, and I simply want to be what I used to be: Happy, Highly motivated, Humorous. My three big H's

 

There is no magic pill or something that will help you immediatelly - seek a therapist and give yourself a time to heal as I see you are suffering depression. When feeling better search wisdom in books, net etc. Search in terms of projecting psychical conditions on other, aspect of Anima in every man or even dreaming instead of acting. This is your job to recognize truly why you fell in love with her and develop utilities to heal yourself and avoid those kind of situations. Stop dreaming about her. Because without that you can get her out of your head and fall with another girl in the future. Lesson unlearned will be repeated. You are in pain and that pain is meaningful.

I was the same as you. I could fell in love to girl(s) only because she talked to me and showed smallest bit of interest in me. I very painfully (depression included) learned on mistakes and developed for myself so can you. Much wise words had been wrote on this thread. Read them one more time. Its sounds hard but the only way is forward through difficulties.

And be honest to yourself.

There is no turning back to good old days - there is only one way - forward. Your weakness now will become you strength in the future.

And the very last one from me - every time you feel low or difficult emotions just stop and breath, count and be aware of every inhale and exhale. This is simple form of meditation and it should help a little bit against your mind which causes your suffering.

 

Saying "because she has good looks" is too simple. Honestly because of this: Before her there was another girl, she was older than me, I was in love with her since grade 6 till she finished school. So I was left, kinda regretting not approaching her. The interesting part is: Although I got some kind of suffering during this little phase, I remained the same person! No depression, OCD and shit. Everything was fine! But I think I seeked for a replacement for her, so I found this girl who we are all talking about, because she kinda looked like her, only in a much much better way. So this is the reason why I felt in love with her, I also wanted to fall in love because it feels so good. I was so super happy at that time being in love, in even a more intense form than before!

 

I would be happy, believe me. Sometimes I dream at night about being together with her, it just feels wonderful, like a drug, Inner peace, no worries/problems (I am speaking of the emotion of being phlegmatic), only beauty and happiness.

Agree. I am obsessed by her, she is my drug.

 

So today is the famous day of the end of my youth. Thanks for your support, but it is difficult living a grayish life without vibrant positive emotions. I feel nothing inside me, literally nothing. No emotion at all. I really don't know what to do, I hate my life, I hate what I've become, I can't bear it anymore. I am going to vegetate in my room forever. Love Hurts - Nazareth, I must give up but I don't want to.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotomania

You say you're not stalking, but you say you're looking and your emotional state is determined on what this girl is doing. If she knew, she would feel intensely creeped out and violated. You're up in her admittedly public but still personal life, but it *is* a form of stalking. Three years means you've escaped into this fantasy. Do you have OCD or other mood disorders? Medication can help.

 

Yes, I've got depressive episodes, OCD (checking and intrusive thoughts [not related to her]) and paranoid thoughts.

 

3 years ago my youth ended de facto. 3 years ago it was the first time feeling this dullness inside me, this lethargic feeling, the depression has begun. I crave the old times. Of course I got problems then too, I was bullied e.g. But: I'd be rather bullied further on than being in heart pain, depression, OCD and paranoia for 3 years. Robbie Williams' newest song "I love my live" kinda remembers me of the old times and of her, because it was a time where I loved my life, unlike now where I have to listen to Black Metal, PMO and surfing the internet mindlessly for numbing myself.

 

I realized something yesterday:

I was so in love with her that I was subconsciously expecting her to love me back. I was waiting for the validation I'll get from her. But it didn't happen. It's like your parents and all of your family/friends suddenly don't love you/like you and you got to survive. Like I was so confused about myself why she didn't give me any validation. Why she assumely took the other guy. Like my narcissism wasn't satisfied. I think this is why I suffered a lot, I was in a phase where I was the best of my class, etc. I had a "high" position, and she not loving me is like I don't deserve this high position, you understand me?

Also, I sadly got the news that an old TV-priest whom I watched in my youth (I am a traditional catholic) died at age 84. Another part of my youth is gone...