Have you heard of FANOS?

Another SO weighing in here: ^this is so true. Your SO deserves to know what's been going on @neto07. This is a comment I shared a few weeks ago on another person's post about not wanting to tell his wife: " I, like almost every SO I have interacted with here, went through the relationship with the haunting "feeling" that something was "off". Sometimes the feeling would be strong, like the times you describe yourself not really being present and connected, sometimes less so and could be ignored. But the feeling that there was something, some secret that caused a distance and disconnect that was so painful at times, never really disappeared completely. I feel like an idiot now for not connecting the dots. But it is not my fault, it is his. Whenever I would attempt to address this feeling, he would swear up and down that there was no reason to feel this way. On occasion it would even be alluded to that I was "crazy" or making problems out of nothing.
Beyond the fallout from carrying on a secret, within an intimate relationship, in and of itself, there was the nature of that secret. My SO lied by omission, he led me to believe he wasn't "that kind of guy". He let me believe he was fighting his natural urges to be attracted to other people, as much as I was, in the interest of focusing our sexuality on the monogamous relationship we had chosen together. Meanwhile, behind my back he was doing the opposite. He was indulging every whim and fancy, to the point of exasperating the issues that can come with monogamous relationships. He wasn't making the sacrifices or investments he had fooled me into believing he was. And all the while he was lying about it and covering his tracks. He was also redirecting the damaged thoughts, that his addiction had caused him, onto me. I was too serious at times, I didn't dress sexy often enough, I wasn't down for sex whenever the urge hit him. I was unreasonably grumpy and decidedly NOT horny after 3 weeks straight of broken sleep with a teething baby. In his estimation, all of these things were evidence of some character flaws in me and he was the victim that had to endure his lot in life. I remember saying to my SO one time after an argument that sometimes it felt like he resented the fact that I was an actual person with complex feelings and emotions that sometimes got messy. I realize now how true that statement was. I do believe a lot of this thinking came from the expectations that porn had instilled in his mind.

So where I am going with all this is that your So has probably felt in very similar ways as I have. She has probably sat awake at night and wondered, "what's wrong with me? am i crazy? maybe i am too needy. maybe I do make problems where there are none" The assumption you have made that "after all these years she thinks that is just how I am, hot and cold" might be true, but it is far more likely that she has internalized the issues, as is a natural response for most regular, caring people. It is awesome that you are doing the work and taking the accountability with yourself, but I believe your SO deserves to know how big a part this addiction has played in her life. She deserves to know that she isn't crazy or that the level of connection she longed for from you wasn't too much to ask and even worse, it wasn't withheld because of some flaw with her. Moving forward and becoming a better husband from here on out is great, but if you want to truly heal your relationship, you need to bring the secret out into the light and address the damage it has done. I believe that is the way to truly heal. "

 

@fuzzywaz, @LizzyBlanca and @ILoathePwife: You are all so true in saying my SO deserves to know. I don't see any valuable argument for not telling her. Thank you for insisting
Tthe decision is taken, I'll tell her.

 

Hi! Thanks so much for this thread. I'm new here (and at wits end after 9 years of marriage and dealing with my husband's PM addiction) and looking for any info and support. The scheduled cuddling is great and I'd like to try FANOS too. My question is, does the FANOS convo happen during the cuddling? Or are these two separate events?

 

@voddyv - If you take a glance at @ILoathePwife 's signature line (see the 1st entry on page one of this thread, there is a link to FANOS and other helpful links.

Here's a description of FANOS: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/have-you-heard-of-fanos.67103/

We don't cuddle while FANOS-ing, but I don't see why you couldn't?

 

Thanks so much for your reply! I'd actually prefer not to do the cuddling at the same time, because I'm worried my husband is going to hate FANOS, he hates talking to me and has a hard time expressing himself. Just wanted to make sure that I do this right so that it's successful

 

Yesterday I told my SO about my porn addiction problem. It is really difficult for her, she was increadibly sad and can't recognize me anymore. I can understand her - I was lying to her and hiding my addiction from her for the seven years of our relathionship.
And it is so unfair: I feel so relieved after disclosure, and she's on the bottom now. I am really so sorry for not having told her before... And now she doesn't know who to talk to. I told her about nofap forum, she said she'll have a look. Any ideas about what could help her?
We tried FANOS yesterday for the first time! I was so glad she accepted to do so. I'll tell you more about our progress.

 

Nothing is going to heal her wounds, but time (lot's of time DON"T rush her), and you being absolutely honest and making an accountable, continued effort to leave porn in the past.

 

It has been a while since my reboot. Sorry for not giving an update earlier. I just wanted to thank you so much for "spreading the word" of FANOS! We have been doing FANOS almost everyday through the last three months. We usually take a walk in the woods for one or two hours while talking. It's not always easy, but our relationship has so much improved! It's like we have known each other more through FANOS, than we have during the past 7 years of our relationship.
I can only encourage everyone to try FANOS, it's probably the best thing that could have happened to our relationship!

 

I'm allergic to cuddling. And talking about my feelings. *shiver*

 

That is so sad.

ANH

 

Glad to find this thread on the main page of the this sub-forum. I haven't even gotten around to reading this one yet, because I keep reading links in signatures to other great threads.