Hard time rebooting

Trying for about half year now with very little success.Best strike so far was 17 days.Then I've felt the first real urge.All fails before that and even now are out of habit.Diagnosed with paranoid schizofrenia, which can be wrong as it was given the diagnose while was under effect of drugs and I had real mental meltdown.Not sure what it was.Probably some design drug.I had friends that cared so much for me everytime I tried to stop using so I can continue.Ever since the meltdown I'm extremely anxious.Crowds scares me.Roominating a lot.I was average smoker but became heavy one.Every try to socialize normally fails badly.I don't know why I'm doing PMO anymore.I feel I've watched every hardcore shit there is.I only fear not to find something forbidden.I mean real fear that's like shadow over me constantly.There are some bright moments when I actually feel normal, and then boom, I remember some fear of mine and get anxious again.Everything I try fails because it's really me that fails to commit.Even knowing what it's at stake I can't.Confidence at sub-zero level.Willpower very low.Tried to put all kind of defences when online the problem is I can't be accountable for my own actions, I'm the key holder.Talked to my best friend about the nofap community but he isn't taking it seriously although he is faping too and I tried to make him part of the group and make him accountable for me.I need opinions and advices how to boost my willpower.I've tried cold showers and I like it.Meditation helps a lot.Since I started my thoughts are not like scrambled eggs anymore.My real problem is willpower to comit.Please help with advice or even with few words.Cheers!

 

On 8 day now.Motivation is little low already.Because already want to meet a woman.So used to PMO and having it hard for someone.The brain does not recognize if that someone is just a bunch of pixels on the screen.I've noticed some social boost, not all the time.Yesterday was hell.Watched some videos on youtube and my guts was hurting for hours.Almost forgot to meditate.Probably i'm again on day 0 although there was no MO.It's almost impossible to exit fap mode, that's when I fail.Thinking about stoping but it's like some wierd autopilot that is saying "Watch more!You want this!".I've noticed something or at least I put some thought about it.Someone successful on nofap can comment on this...I imagine two selves.One is inner self of how you see yourself and one is the outer self of how other see you.When you are doing PMO these two versions are missaligned.Like distorted mirror image.And you are always wondering why people can't recognize your personality the way you do.

 

Do not sit still bro!Once i get home as i'm abroad now working i intend to do some brain scan to confirm it's schizophrenia, i know it passed 5 years since and i probably should do that a long time ago, but it's a kind of a problem that you are not supposed to tackle yourself when there are Ph.D. studied about this for years.If your story is similar to mine and you missed a brain scan, which is supposed to be 100% accurate at finding brain structure anomalies aroused by this illness, please do it.If i find out that's not true about my case, it's gonna be so much relief.You know what stigma you carry with you all day long.How you are even supposed to tell that to a girl you like?"Hi, my name is Lyudmil and i'm short fuse bomb!"This does not satisfy me i hope you too.Stay strong my friend!

 

@Haizam, thank you I think I've watched that.Long time passively watching videos before I ever decided to join the community.I know all the benefits.I know what to do.And how to do it.Why I want it...and so forth.Just my willpower need more training because of the damage from the years of lack of self control giving in to the urges.I might succeed this time.The timing is good.I'm in good company, have new roomate that is really positive and understanding.Wondered for years why I feel so low until recently find out that when I surrond myself with better people I feel less stressed.I don't want to count the days and I feel better when I don't.

 

Unfortunately there is no such thing like meditation groups in my area.Recently watched a video that stated that real benefits come after you commit for long time.I was doing it every now and then, but now i'm practicing every night before sleep.At least 10min, but usually 15.Could reach 20 soon.It's just that i'm constantly thinking about time eventually and this thought is so distracting that i stop when the alarm goes.Once i forgot to press the button and the alarm didn't go on, so i meditated to the point when i felt so rested from my inner chatter just to find out that i was doing it extra 20min.

Be well!

 

That's assuming I am in possession of android phone but that is not true.Currently my Windows phone is just one useless brick that is providing me with non filtered connection to the internet.I have one old Sony Ericsson that I'm trying to fix so I remove the temptation.It was always the phone I was using when I relapse because there is just no way of defense suitable for someone addicted to porn.I'm very happy with my network provider atm.3 UK is doing that for me.That's what I like in UK.This kind of problem is tackled by the government.

 

Thank you for your support.It means a lot know that I am not alone in this.Can someone explain to me what is flat line?What do you experience during one?

 

Kind of having one.My libido is lower than before.I guess that's even better now.Expecting the first real urge, that's from my previous experience.I think i'm breaking the habbit, or at least i hope so.Today felt very frustrated trying to fix my old phone, failed to do so and even make it worse.I thought to relieve the stress as usual, but i also reminded myself that this is not the lifestile i want.Everytime that i'm in this kind of situation i enter fapmode and can't stop myself and i don't know what saved the day.

 

Another negative feature i found disturbing is fantasizing a lot and repeating diferent outcoms of situations in my head.Can't really live in the present moment but either going in the future or diging in the past.Neither is helping, today i bought a book about positive thinking at the airport.Had plenty of time to read it so i finished it before i even left.This is some kind of success i guess.I think i should give it another read soon and focus on the excersize described inside because as it seems i am very negative person.Probably not a bad person, or at least try not to be, but very negative.
I have to appologize about using this thread as a personal log but i am still not confident enough to write anywhere else.I hope the effects of nofap to kick in.I'm hoping mostly for the superpower that will cure the anxiety, or at least make it better.Cold showers was on a halt until now mainly because i was in a foreign country and wasn't sure how the climate will affect me if i stress my body in such a way.Few days ago i have noticed my badge and scrolling trough the messages noticed the one from day 8, now is day 17.Usually i stress a lot about time, but now didn't even noticed when it fly by.Thank you for the support!Stay strong and be well!