Happy to find this group ...

Welcome to the forum @Michele102779. Society allows us to talk about many problems openly but right now porn addiction is not something our friends and family are willing to discuss or understand. My wife felt very isolated because she couldn't talk to others because they would see me in a very different light. We're glad you can meet up with others who can empathize with your situation.

You mentioned your husband has been trying to abstain as much as possible. What does that mean? Has he been abstaining? Has he been rebooting and failing? How often does he relapse? Does he have a plan or is he trying to do this on his own in secret and he sent you over here for your problems?

You ask how you can support him. An addict must take primary responsibility for their recovery. They need to have a plan of action. They need to have a thorough understanding of what triggers they have - physical, emotional, and environmental. They need to understand what are their weaknesses. Then they need to communicate to their spouses exactly what they need. Examples: not be left alone, not watch movies with attractive actresses or fast forward sex scenes, not have Cosmo-like magazines around the house, plan things outside the house, regularly talk about stressful events of the day, etc.

You mention that you don't want him to feel guilty about his problem. If he is still doing those things then he NEEDS to feel guilt and shame. Those are natural reactions to PMO. If he is still PMOing then you should NOT shield him from those negative consequences. That can be a form of co-dependency.

A person struggling to get clean needs help from others. Other addictions have people who act as sponsors. Here we all them Accountability Partners. A spouse should not be the addict's accountability partner. An AP deals with the day-to-day thoughts and urges that go through their minds. They talk about tips and strategies. They may share nitty-gritty details about their problems that would tear you apart if you found out (unless you require that level of transparency). Being overly supportive can cause a power shift in the relationship from husband/wife to addict/sponsor, adult/child, or worse mother/son! Don't take on the role of therapist, policeman, or priest.

You an still talk to him about how he's doing. How his day went. If he had any epiphanies or new understandings about himself. You should also know if there have been any relapses. Talk about how he's feeling and how you feel. Be encouraging and commend him when he merits it. Be disappointed when he fails. He needs to understand that there is a standard that he is expected to live up to. Confirm that you love him and that you hate the addiction. Push him to seek more help if he needs it.

I hope we can be a source of comfort for you and your family. Keep asking us questions for what works and what doesn't work. There is a whole body of knowledge to tap into here.

 

Thirteen years ago I went to a therapist to help me with this problem. Not much was known about this back then and the doctor tried to treat the problem as an OCD instead of an addiction. I felt like I came up for air and took one breath and went back beneath the surface of the water. None of this information was available back then. The way to treat it was not known. It wasn't until January 2016 did I start researching again what was wrong with me. I quit cold turkey and have been clean ever since. I want to pass on as much information as I can because the insights I discovered were eye opening. Now I understood why certain things didn't work and I learned what does work.

There are three reasons I believe people relapse: (1) their heart isn't in it, (2) they aren't doing enough to address their addiction, or (3) they let their guard down. Why do you think your husband is failing? Addiction is a nasty and tenacious thing to overcome. There are a lot of misinformation and myths surrounding addiction. Addicts also learn to lie to themselves and often don't want to face the real truth.

One common myth is that it is impossible to quit cold turkey and that there needs to be a tapering off period before someone can get better. After having an addiction for over 25 years I quit cold turkey. It was very hard, but it's not impossible for anyone to do it. My wife gave me an ultimatum and that scared me to my core. My wife was done with being supportive, patient, and reasonable. It was time for change or I was going to lose everything.

If you want your husband to get better I think you need to hear about everything he is doing (or not doing) to get better. It's time for him to be transparent. I often told my wife that I was working on it and that I didn't want to talk about it, but in reality I wasn't really doing that much. Maybe your husband isn't doing enough. Maybe he doesn't know what else he can try. Maybe deep down he's scared to give it up. Maybe, like I used to feel, he just loves it too much to let it go.

Meanwhile, ever time he relapses he hurts you. Improvements only sooth your wounds for a little while. At some point he has to commit to getting and staying clean. If you give an addict a little bit of space to fail, they will use up and ask for more. There is such a thing as too much patience, too much forgiveness, and too much love. It can't always be about him and his problems... you deserve to have your needs addressed too.

Going without sex is just one tool in the arsenal but it only works for some very specific situations. A person who has porn flashbacks, who is not mentally present when having sex with their wives, who want their porn fantasies to come to life in the bedroom, or who objectifies their wives might want to take a break while rebooting. A person who gets an intense chaser effect and wants to look at porn soon after sex might also need a break. A couple who have very strained relations because of the trauma of discovery might want to take a break. A person who feels the need to have sex every night or multiple times a day needs their mind to return to a normal calm state of mind so they would need a break from sex for a while. Single people who's addiction included one night stands, sexting, massage parlors, escorts, etc. also needs a break from all sexual contact because their previous sexual activities were part of the problem.

If you decide to stop having sex for 30 days and he keeps relapsing during that time then YOU will be the one who sacrificed and it will be for nothing. Again, this approach needs to be part of a composite plan to get better. Maybe he needs to write it down and work on an 'abstinence plan' and not leave recovery to chance.