Going well but still scared and anxious

Things are going well but I'm still scared, I know he hasn't PMO'd for approx 3 months of not a bit longer now, and pretty sure he hasn't M'd fully for at least a month. Until the other night my concern was that he'd gone quiet about everything and I didn't fully know where he was really at with everything. He had been alot more maybe not completely open about who hes been in contact with saying alot more than he used to (he was such a closed book before) there was a very small issue that I'd noticed he'd been in contact with ex mother in law (maybe he forgot) but in the whole scheme of things that's not huge. However that small thing is niggling as I'm not sure if hes lying by omition or genuanlly forgot. Our sec life has improved greatly. Ive just finished reading a great book, the barefoot investor (Australian) and the other night sat down and told him I was going to follow his financial steps. PA mentioned we would be better off combining our finances doing it (which we would) but I said no I'm not ready. I explained that even though we have been together 2.5 years it's too soon after everything that's happened in the perfect relationship I would have been ready. ( he has brought the subject up numerous times in the past but I'd always known things weren't right) He totally understood. He said it was a big thing for him to do that as he's lost a lot with relationships breaking up in the past and that's him saying this one is forever. I understand that as I have also and it makes me feel great he wants to take that step, but I also pointed out to him that he'd said that while I was blind to what he was doing (He understood). The conversation then turned to my fears that even though its going great I'm still scared its going to all blow up in my face again, I still have a lot of anxiety over it and still wonder. He reassured me that even though he hadn't spoken of it (because he didn't want to ruin our good times together) he hadn't not thought about what he'd done. He apologized (that it wasn't about me) and said that his biggest disappointment in himself was that he felt he'd brought shame to his family name (even though no one else knows). And that he had not been the person he wanted to be. I told him more of how I'd been feeling and showed him this site and how I was seeking support from others. He said he's realized it's done alot more damage than he thought. I'm about to head into 3 night shifts then hes flying home (we both live and work away from family and our home town) I wont fly back for 1.5 weeks after him. This is all making my anxiety levels go through the roof I'm really nervous about it all. I feel like canceling my next round of work and just going back at the same time to make sure everything still stays on track and there are no opportunities to lie.

 

It's all good, I've stayed here for work, my other reason for going back early was that my daughter was having a meltdown and I thought it would put my mind at ease all round. That crisis has now been resolved so I'm heading back as planned for her birthday. It's now been 4 days and been in constant contact, I'm not so stressed and having faith.

 

Starting to feel nervous and anxious again, until now he had been staying at his daughter's, then last night went to stay at our accommodation there. On the phone said he was looking forward to his me time away from other people all the time. The words "me time" was a trigger for me and I started to get scared again. I also noticed his snapchat count go up by 17 they weren't to me. I also know his daughter sends alot so hoping it was her or just other mates and it's just this stupid paranoia I've developed over everything now until I can prove it innocent. Given I do know I've been paranoid over what has turned out to be nothing over the last few months.

 

Hes been away just over a week now, I cant shake this anxiety. He may be doing the right thing, he may not be, who knows, I've never been able to trust him to be straight and honest before. Struggling to have trust and faith in him.

 

Thank you for your support, my problem is now that my gut instinct, women's intuition is just so messed up and confused, at the moment it's a safe protection thing to suspect the worst because thats what I've become used to. I just wish he really was and had of been all along the good man everyone else thinks he is. I wish he had of stood up for me and had my honour right from the start. (Talking about a few other issues now) where to start with he said all the right words to me but played me down to other people. It's not like that now, but all of it added up has destroyed me.

 

Yes that is very true, I'm still waiting to see some more action to prove his love for me. I want more romance, want to be made feel special. I've told him all of this but still see very little effort, I just get words. If I'm really "the one" and better than the rest , I will continue to hold back until I'm truly made feel it. I once had thrown at me that it hadn't worked for him in the past (others) so he just doesn't bother any more. This infuriates and frustrates me because I'm not them. I feel like I'm being ripped off.

 

Thank you so much for your input and taking your time to reply to me, you are very educated and have a world of experience in the subject, it reallly does help.. I'm just hoping he does take that leap of faith soon , we are not married (he said he would never do that again in the beginning) which makes me not feel as good or special as the others were. Surely with all the crap hes put me through in the last 3 years and I'm still here should say a lot to him. I am better than the others .