Given Up (Journal 2.0)

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by Xigwon, Mar 17, 2018.

  1. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    After 10 years of fighting PMO, I have given up. I can no longer fight this, it is stronger than I. After every previous relapse, I would always have some glimpse of self-hope—I could always think of something that I could do better to make sure I never relapsed again. But after my relapse today, I realized that there's no such thing. No matter what I do, no matter what sort of recommitment I make or what sort of habits I form—eventually my mind will change, I will stop caring, I will relapse, regret it, and continue the cycle.

    So I've given up. This afternoon I was trying to practice piano, but just could not stand it, so I got up and just laid on the ground on my back for a long time, just speechless because I had finally reached rock-bottom. Eventually when I found words, I prayed to God. I told Him as plainly as I could: "I cannot do this. I give this addiction to you. Take it away." And for the first time in a while, I felt that a burden had actually been lifted off of me. The frustration of continuing to relapse was gone.

    On the outside, I will fight harder than ever. I will journal 4 times a day, talk to my roommate every morning and night, text my dad every morning and night, pray throughout the day, pray every time I open the internet, talk to three accountability partners on NoFap every night, and post to NoFap every night on this journal. But on the inside, I have given up—I will no longer worry or let this control me. I have finally placed it in God's hands. If I never relapse again, let His name be praised. If I relapse every day until I die, let His name be praised.

    I don't think everyone needs to approach it this way, but I see no other option at this point. I've been trying to fight the same way for years, when I realized I was fighting an enemy stronger than I. Jesus has already won the war. I need to let Him give me victory.

    See you guys tomorrow night. Feel free to post anything you want.
     
  2. pillan24

    pillan24 Fapstronaut

    Jesus has already won the war. You said it yourself. Now honor God in your deeds.
     
  3. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Thank you man. Will do my best. As soon as I view myself as fighting this battle alone, I am surrendering to the enemy. Need to remember that Jesus is both the reason for this battle and the one fighting it for me. Appreciate it.
     
    pitme, Rising Phoenix and pillan24 like this.
  4. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    You have surrendered your addiction to God. That's the first big step. I know it's hard. He lifted the burden of frustration from you. Now rest in God. I did that too. I surrendered my addiction. I am POWERLESS with my addiction, period. With God's help, I'll overcome this addiction and so will you too.

    Remember that Jesus already took our sins for us. He sacrificed HIS LIFE for us.

    I'm proud of you for surrendering your addiction to God. Now let God live in you and work in you. Put your total faith in God.
     
  5. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Thank you brother. I am trying every day. It makes no sense for my rational brain but I know it will be worth it.
     
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  6. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    Hey Brother. Don't try. Just completely surrender to him every single day. Let God live in you. Your life needs to be completely Christ-centered. I'm working toward making my life be completely Christ-centered.
     
    pillan24, Rising Phoenix and Xigwon like this.
  7. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    You're right—thanks
     
    Rising Phoenix likes this.
  8. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    Did you surrender your addiction to God again today?
     
  9. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    I did man. Thank you
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  10. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    End of Day 1. I give this addiction to the Lord. I refuse to fight it any longer because I know I will lose.

    I've journaled, prayed throughout the day, prayed when I opened the internet, read my Bible, meditated, and talked to my accountability partners. Internet and app-store is completely blocked on my phone (I wouldn't be able to access it if I tried).
     
    4DCreator and seaguy44 like this.
  11. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    End of Day 2. I give this addiction to the Lord. I was tempted today but I know it's not worth it.
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  12. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Whoops forgot to post yesterday. Yesterday was Day 3. Still doing good.
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  13. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Day 4. Doing good my brothers. I am reading a book on prayer every morning in addition to meditation and Bible reading—it is really inspiring and convicting. The author said his dad would pray for 45 minutes each morning!
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  14. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    I relapsed. For the past 3 days I would look at p-subs for a few minutes without masturbating. And this morning I decided to do the same thing and ended up masturbating.

    I have no idea how to stay serious forever. I have very little motivation to "try hard" because no matter what I do my resolve wears off. I felt like the "Giving Up" theme was pretty good—but it only lasted for 4 days, so what gives? Of course, I shouldn't have looked at p-subs three days ago. But how could I have stopped? I just don't get it.

    I'm done playing these games. Safari, App Store, and iBooks are 100% restricted on my iPhone (my roommate has the passcode). The Parental Controls for mac are one of those few things that I call "total shit." They are really awful (spent 3 hours today on chat support with no help), but I'll have to deal with them.

    I have blocked the entire internet, and am going to spend 3 days using the admin password to allow one website at a time. On Sunday night, I am going to let my roommate change the admin password to whatever he wants. He'll send the password to my dad for safety. After that I will literally not be able to access any questionable material apart from public computers (I rarely have time to use those, plus people are always watching, and even if they aren't, my school blocks a bunch of questionable sites).

    I used to get so mad when my parents had the internet blocked on the computers and my first iPod. The freedom I now have as adult is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in every area of life—except for porn. For porn, the "freedom" I have is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened. I just can't control myself. Now I am asking my roommate to basically be a third parent. No more internet apart from school.

    Of course, I can still be turned on by real people, and I am still able to masturbate. Not really sure what I'm going to do about that, but I'm just really tired right now. Going to bed.
     
    CLAW59 and seaguy44 like this.
  15. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    Praying for you.
     
  16. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Day 2. I'm back on the forum but because I want to and because I'm no longer making myself do it. I'm tired of that. I want a better life but I can't do it by just setting up a bunch of rules for myself.

    Also I prayed for 13 minutes this morning—I think I'm going to start doing at least that much every day.
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  17. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Hi, Day 3. Doing good. Prayed again for 13 minutes this morning. Also asked a girl out to a casual meal and she said yes. Hopefully she won't cancel and I can get to know her better.
     
    seaguy44 likes this.
  18. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Day 4. Doing good. I've been drastically reducing the amount of time I spend alone on the laptop.

    Also date with girl is planned for a week from today. Hopefully I can wait, and hopefully I'll be able to see her once or twice around campus so she won't forget about me ugh.
     
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  19. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

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    Congrats on the date!!!!
     
  20. Xigwon

    Xigwon Fapstronaut

    Day 5. Doing good today. Basically no temptations. I am serious about this but I know that it's ultimately up to God.

    I don't know if my last relapse will end up being the "last one ever," but I believe God has been allowing me to continue to struggle to realize how proud I am and how much I look down on others. He is chipping away at me and I have been barely realizing it.

    Let's keep it up guys.
     

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