Girlfriend of PMO.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by poweroflove, Oct 15, 2018.

  1. poweroflove

    poweroflove Fapstronaut

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    Alright, so I'm not sure where to start or how long this will be - or if this even belongs here. I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area.

    I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly five years (were in our late 20's). We live together and for the most part have a wonderful life together. My boyfriend and I have wonderful sex at least twice a week, if not more. Our sex life has not been impacted by his use of porn. But the things he looks at and is starting to get involved in are not ok in my opinion. He's changed from looking at regular porn, to using reddit, looking up Skype names of girls, webcams, kik, and other apps. I don't know the reason behind it because he lies about it - most of the time saying he had urges to look at girls on those things but stopped himself. I don't know if he's there to just watch girls do things, or show girls his stuff as well. He works from home a lot and I feel like spends the majority of his time looking around at stuff. There are times where he will talk calmly about his porn use, there are other times where he goes in a rage - wants to break up - leaves the house - blames me for it (this is VERY rarely but it has happened)

    When we've cooled off we both agreed that his use is excessive and we want to talk to someone about things. There have been many times where he's broken down and even cried from the shame he has from it. I know that when he was younger he was shammed for looking at these things by past partners and family members embarrassing him about it. I know that its really hard topic to talk about.

    I've tried to be understanding and there for him - and I'm still trying but I know that when he has the chance - he looks at things.

    The majority of it is just regular sites, I think he gets bored and starts looking for more exciting and possibly more personal content for the excitement - but I don't know.

    It has caused me so much PTSD - I worry about it so much that its basically consuming me and I don't want either of us to have to live like this. I want nothing more than to fully trust him and support him - and I want nothing more than for him to not have to feel my pain and suffering at times from this.

    I know he truly loves me, he supports me emotionally and financially if there is ever a need, he makes me laugh uncontrollably, we're weird and ourselves together. He loves to spoil me, he takes care of our animals. He does a lot to make sure I'm comfortable. He doesn't get weird calls from girls, he doesn't get weird text messages from girls. When a past girl randomly hit him up to see how he was he told me right away. He's very honest and open with those things - I truly believe he isn't looking to emotionally connect or physically connect with people - but I don't know what it is. He has told me parts of his "why" which has been boredom from being at home, or drama with work or personal life, stress, depression. We've been together for a while so I'm sure its also times where I need to give him more attention or try something different with him in bed. But I know that I'm not the reason why.

    The only issues we really ever have is with porn. I know I have my own flaws, I will admit its made me a snooper to see if he's being honest with me when it comes to what he looks at. I truly want to stop and change that and be there for him the way he needs and show him the support.

    I just want him to feel comfortable enough to open up, be honest with his needs, or whats going on in his life. He's had a really rough past where I think its to the point its given him PTSD - from being teased, embarrassed, he's been shamed for it, an ex broke his laptop from it.

    I guess I'm rambling, I don't know if I can get support here since I'm not the one with a problem. Maybe any advice? anyone been through the same things? suggestions? Concerns?

    Do you think by him looking at kik names, Skype names, those things he's actually trying to cheat? or is it possible to get bored and look at those things without meaning true harm? (he hasn't done this in a few months and I only saw it a couple of times - most of it was reddit girl pages or porn video sites)

    I really love him and want to be with him, but it's hurt really bad and I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
     
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. You do have a place here. Thank you for sharing your story. Addiction inevitably destroys a relationship. It is impossible for an addict to keep his problem in a box. Part of the disease involves escalating their behavior into more and more unacceptable things. He needs to get help. And you also need the support you need to stop this from getting worse and eventually heal your wounds.

    The 'Rebooting in a Relationship' folder is the next place to get what you need. You can read stories, questions, and journals of couples who are going through exactly what you are experiencing. You can repost this story over there or open a new thread. You can also start a journal in the 'Significant Other Journals' sub-folder.

    Behind every addict is someone whom they have hurt deeply. I hope you find the information, support, and guidance you need to improve your situation.
     
    poweroflove likes this.
  3. Dmodee

    Dmodee Fapstronaut

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    38 male here on a relapse. I cannot promise you any help. However I can share my experience, somewhat from the other side. Everyone and motivations are different. But if it is related to mine, perhaps some understanding shared between the two of you could help you in discussion working through it together. If you would like, let me know
     
  4. poweroflove

    poweroflove Fapstronaut

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    Ya I will take anything I can get, anything can help you never know.
     
  5. Dmodee

    Dmodee Fapstronaut

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    So much at play in everything but I will try to sum up best I can. And he is welcome to talk to me if he would like. It’s about getting to the truth in each other. He is chasing a fulfillment that keeps evading him. He needs to see in his heart that it will never stop moving and he doesn’t need that, because we don’t see that in the meantime we are losing out on something great we could be making. I think you need to bare yourself open to him, as scary as that is, but he is probably just as scared of the same. My wife said I wanted something from her I was unwilling to give, and as always she was right. But by coming to him instead of at him, maybe your vulnerability in your true self will help him open to truth. If he will look at past and how it escalated further to get less enjoyment he can give up, surrender. It’s much like drugs and NA. But I believe we each need shown we are loved in our own ways, we often think we are showing each other, but we do it in our ways not theirs. When we see the true pain it causes it’s much harder to hurt someone. Often when we see a hard shell on someone we want to assume it’s true so that we don’t face what is really going on. I claim to be a follower of Christ and am trying not to get to into values that some find offensive, but everything is sewn together and I hope this doesn’t offput any usable info. I hope the best for you two and hope it doesn’t get as bad as I did.
     

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