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Girlfriend and I broke up on Valentine's day. Starting to feel the loneliness creep in...

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by DaveKing, Feb 15, 2019.

  1. DaveKing

    DaveKing Fapstronaut

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    I realized I loved my girlfriend during the past weeks, and she told me she loved me too. However, she is 33 and I was her first partner. A couple of time last summer she started mentioning she was having second thoughts about our relationship...she was being insecure and afraid of commitment. Yesterday she acted insecure after I gave her flowers and chocolate....and I knew it was happening again.

    We talked and I had to tell her I didn't want this to be my life, where I feel afraid she can stop caring for me at any moment, even though she likes me, loves me, and feels happy with me many times.

    We decided to part ways, never to see each other again. I wanted her to be the one, but she wasn't sure about it.

    I half way through the 90 day program but will not M because of this. I have to keep up so it improves in my next relationship...whenever that appears.

    I feel the loneliness in me appearing again after this 1 year relationship. Some of my friends have started to give me their support, which is nice. I'm deeply afraid of loneliness and I'm already trying to get involved in dating apps on Day 1. I'm used to breaking up now after this 4th relationship but it's still scary...

    I feel that I want to throw up sometimes, just thinking about how wonderful of a person and women she is, and I can't have her.
     
  2. Dragydof

    Dragydof Fapstronaut

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    That's sorry to hear man. I get that it feels bad, but if you've been anxious about her suddenly leaving it might be for the better. You deserve better than someone who is indecisive about her relationship.

    It's good that you're not discouraged now, but immediately going to online dating might be the wrong idea. You shouldn't be emotionally dependent on a girlfriend to feel good. Find happyness in just living. The girl will come when the time is right and you will enjoy it way more because you're already feeling good.

    I really admire that you are certain that this wil not make you PMO again! Keep it up you're doing great!
     
    Christian Fox likes this.
  3. kruznick

    kruznick Fapstronaut

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    That's a horrible thing to go through. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders therefore you're going to get through this. Rely on your friends when you need to, no shame in asking for support. You will get through this.
     
    Christian Fox likes this.
  4. Marik757

    Marik757 Fapstronaut

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    Women are emotionally drivin, that said she probably wasnt feeling the same level of sparks that brought you two together. In an relationship you cant just stop courting her just because you got her. You need to maintain that same level of intamacy from when you first met. If they sense weakness or lack of confidence then of course they would start to question the relationship.

    You said she was insecure and afraid of commitment. How do you know that? Maybe she is right and you are wrong. You cant just blame her for why the relationship is going south if you dont know what's going on. So then ask yourself what are 'you' doing to make her feel insecure and afraid of commitment. Sure, you can fight for her, but can you fulfill her emotional needs? Giving her joy, laughter, alone time, peace of mind.

    Was something on her mind? Did you give up after asking "what's wrong?" and she replied "nothing." You need to keep hammering away until she tells you. This is why people say communication is important. It might annoy her after awhile, but do things differently, joke around but be serious. Break her mold and get her to talk.

    This is an very conflicting statement where the insecure, and afraid of commitment can come into play. The first half comes out as weak and desperate. You basically gave her your pants to wear and told her to fix the relationship.

    Yet you sugar coated it by saying she loves you and stuff even though you stated she was having second thoughts about the relationship...
    ========

    Give yourself some time to think about the relationship. Ask what you can do to better yourself as an lover. People dont realize things until people walk out in their life. Take it as an learning experience and move on. Maybe in time you will meet again and probably be an better person than you are now.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2019
  5. TurnTides

    TurnTides Fapstronaut

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    I agree with most of Marik's comment.

    One thing I'd like to add is when you get too comfortable in the relationship, you tend to let too much guard down, you start becoming complacent and try a lot less when it comes to contributing. This explains when females get "bored" or "uncertain" about things. They like spontaneous nonsense, things that excites them. Relationships are a lot of work, it can wear one down.

    Take a breather for a bit. Perhaps this was a sign that you needed to look inward for change, and not have to rely on someone else to be full-filled. Life should be like a cake, relationships are just the icing.
     
  6. DaveKing

    DaveKing Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys, thanks for your thoughts. Trying to simplify a year long relationship in a post leaves out many key ideas, and I might have given the wrong idea about her and my relationship. I was not complacent during our time together, nor boring (at best she could be the one who was less active). As a person she was introvert, kind, somewhat lovable, and she told me she was happy with me. And I was happy with her. I asked her and we talked a few times about these insecurities. She always had trouble explaining what it was and the best answer we'd come to was she felt unsure if this was "the" long-term relationship where she'd be with someone for years. She had never had any sort of relationship with a partner, so I could only see it being a +30 year old woman with the emotional instability found in young teenagers who are having their first relationship. She didn't want to leave me, but couldn't control her urges to leave the relationship. I can't explain it better than this, I don't blame her for not knowing herself and her feelings though.

    But at the end of the day, I have to be able to move forward just like her. She hoped I could find a partner who would not have these break-up thoughts, and I told her I wished she could find someone who she could be with as well.
     
  7. Awwww man. I’m sorry bro. I’ll pray for your hurting heart. Don’t turn to PMO please stay strong brother!
     
  8. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain and I've been through similar. It will take time, probably months, but things get better

    This is just my view based on experience, but I would try to stay away from the dating apps for a while. Try to fill the gap with other things as even though you may think you are ready to go back, getting involved with other people at this early stage may make things worse.
     

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