Girl talk

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by theRegenerator, Sep 8, 2016.

  1. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone! I need some advice from you because you probably went through just the things I'm going through right now and maybe I could get some advice.

    I'm a 19 yo guy, had no girlfriend until no, still a virgin. Pmo has made me get social anxiety and was quite unsocial until not long ago(about a year but now I started a hard reboot 2 weeks ago and things are better) and right now I got to the point that I would really like to cure myself of this anxiety and start talking to girls more easily, get a girlfriend, you know.. All those things.. I feel the need of a more intimate connection(not necessarily sex but a deeper connection). I talked to a few girls before but things didn't really work out.

    There's a girl I like that I'm going to meet at a wedding this weekend, she lives at some distance from me but I would like to give it a shot. So I'm seeing her at this wedding and I need some advice from you guys on how to get past my self-conscious mind and connect with this girl. Some good lines maybe, something to get the conversation going and engage her because she's a little bit shy too

    Thank you!
     
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  2. avatarivn

    avatarivn Fapstronaut

    Bro, you deserve a like just because you got the balls to share this post!!!

    About some dating advice, you will have to wait until the next person post something. :p At my thirties, I have 0.001% experience in dating.

    The best I can say to you is: avoid coffee and drinks with heavy caffeine. And (perhaps more importantly), see the whole thing as an opportunity to learn, I mean, most guys with "charm" are lucky because they spent time and effort learning how to socially interact and flirt.
     
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  3. As a woman, my advice is to just relax and try to be normal and be yourself and not focus so much on having some fancy lines to say. There's really no need for that. It sounds like you already know each other, but I could be wrong about that. So it shouldn't be too difficult to talk to her. Just talk to her like you would talk to any other person.

    Also, general advice about trying to get a girlfriend: be friends with girls. Try, as hard as it may be, not to look at every girl as a potential girlfriend. Just be their friends and stop thinking of them as some different creature that needs a while new realm of communication. We chicks are just normal people, and most of us aren't that hard to talk to. Also, most of us have at least as many, if not a billion more, insecurities than you do yourself. Even the pretty ones. Maybe even especially the pretty ones.
     
  4. Or, in the words of the Doctor,
    "Try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky. Because you're gonna be like that anyway, so you might as well make it part of the plan so it will feel on purpose."

    Seriously though, sometimes nerves are actually a great thing. It makes a woman feel flattered that you might be nervous to talk to her.
     
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  5. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    Masturbating was one of my darkest secret so far. Until not long ago nobody else knew about it, not even this forum. If I had the balls to admit that, I can admit anything. I know most guys think they are some "know it all" in dating and dont need any advice but I would really rather ask the people in here and learn from them because lots of you were or maybe still are where I am too.

    Yeah, we kinda know each other. I used to be interested in this girls cousin about a year ago but I realized that the girl still needs to grow up(even if she's older than the girl in seeing at the wedding). We talked a few times, we both use snapchat and she sometimes randomly sends me some cute selfies lately so I'm thinking that maybe there's something going on for her too, I don't really know what to say. I can usually tell if a girl likes another guy but i have no idea when it comes to me :)))

    About the "friends" thing.. What about the "friendzone"? I don't really feel like getting in there..

    I saw that being yourself helps a lot in situations like these. I was in a summer camp about a month ago and one evening I got out of my room and saw a girl that I didn't really had an interest in close by and said to her to go for a walk. We walked, talked a lot and she kinda gives me the "I like you" feeling but I'm not quite sure. I'm not totally unsocial now but I find it a little more difficult to talk to a girl I like than to any other girl..
     
  6. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    @theRegenerator

    Cool nickname, bro.

    First of all, the best connection happens when you least expect it.
    The main idea is to focus on what's outside yourself, don't dwell within.

    The mind is the fear bringer (Reverse that Dune saying).
    The more you think about it, the monumental of a task meeting & chatting this girl becomes.
    Just try to be yourself, the more you manage that the more she will get to know you.

    The least yourself you are, the more you're projecting fantasy.
    And if she is going to develop feelings for you, she has to see the real you.
    Feel awkward, be embarrassed!

    Mention this to her. Weddings are social events but also a great time to be honest with yourself.
    Don't mean 'Get drunk and party, all up on the table while showing everybody your junk' sort of honest.
    Just be honest that you like being among people (even if you're shy). Think this and it will be so!

    Second, light touches. Preferably the shoulder, or the upper arm area.
    Anything else is strictly taboo. You don't know her all that much.
    This touches must come from nowhere, don't pre-think them too much or it will show.
    And don't stare at her elbow all night thinking 'OMG, going to touch, going to touch NOW!'

    Being a virgin at 19 is no shame. I was a virgin until 21.
    And I still act shy around girls I like. Don't worry.
    She could be a virgin too.

    So you're both in the same basket, so to speak.
    Two shy, virgins awkwardly making conversation , at a wedding.
    I would refrain from trying to pose interesting or interested but I will try to be a gentleman.
    Get her a drink, without asking her if she wants one (make it a soda or mineral water).
    Even if you fail and miss her tastes, she'll appreciate the gesture.

    Remember, actions speak longer than words.
    You could also try to be funny.
    Joke that embarassment away!

    In fact, even mention it. Mentioning something and poking fun of said thing, lessens its impact on the nerves.
    Soldiers joked about being on the first line, in World War One.
    And they were knee-deep in mud,waiting to die.
    Those are terrible conditions.
    But the human spirit finds a way. It always does.

    I'm sure you can handle yourself, at a wedding, next to a pretty girl.
     
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  7. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    Hey, man! Wow.. Thanks for the awesome list, I really really appreciate it!

    I know about the mind and the fear, I'm usually an overthinker in situations like these and maybe it's a factor of why things didn't work out before. That's why I try to get out of my mind in social environments.

    About drinking, I think you shouldn't worry. I only drank alcohol once in my whole life but didn't find it appealing, it's just not the thing for me, I prefer being sober, that's how I can be myself.
    She's 16 so yeah, there's a great chance she's a virgin too. I'm not really looking for someone to "bone".. There are plenty of girls like that around but I'm in the search for a connection, for a soul because everyone has a body but too few people wear their soul.

    I think I'll give your post a few more reads and put these great advice into practice! Thanks again, it really means a lot to me @Darkstar 22.84
     
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  8. Noelle

    Noelle Fapstronaut

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    I would just be honest with her. If you have secrets (however dark) share them. If you're insecure, say so. If you're madly in love with her, don't tell her outright (because that would be weird). But don't be afraid to mention that she looks beautiful and makes you feel alive either.

    And honestly we can give you advice all you want. But it's trivial if you clam up and start memorizing these smooth pick-up lines or jokes. The greatest conversations I've had stemmed from real-time, situational topics. In other words, a guy who goofs on something that's real and organic is more attractive to me than some cheeseball who does the same old routine with every girl he meets. We gals can tell when you guys memorize lines!
     
  9. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    Very well said.. I don't need some pick-up lines.. I'm not a fan at all of those.. I just need some "things" to remember while talking to her that would presumably calm me down a little cuz I tend to get quite nervous in situations like these and freeze :)))
     
  10. I don't have much too offer outside what's already been said, but I would say that confidence is attractive. Look for that balance between confidence and cockiness...You don't want to appear TOO nervous on approaching her, but you also don't want her to think that any future prospects with her are merely a formality.
     
  11. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    I just want men to be genuine with me. I don't like all this "smooth talk" and PUA stuff. The way I see it, if he and I can't just have a genuine conversation and enjoy it, it's not worth it.
     
  12. Jodo Kus

    Jodo Kus Fapstronaut

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    Shit, I don't know why I clicked on "Girl talk". It must have triggered me somehow. NVM nobody is perfect.
    Well, I'll give my 50 cents to it:

    I try to be mindful: be aware of the people you talk to, look them into the eyes, check their reactions and try to find out what they think or feel. Also it's good to be aware what you do and say yourself. Take your time and value human interaction instead of rushing through it.

    This might not be the best advice for flirting and I'm not saying that you should try to observe and control everything. I'm perfectly aware that flirting is a good deal going with the flow or even acting foolishly in a way.
    But at least if you have some social issues as I have, this is a good practice to improve your interactions in general and and I'm certain it will give you more opportunities to flirt and make yourself appear more manly and attractive most of the time.

    Maybe that's the base of self-control, awareness and self-esteem which a good flirter needs. Well I'm certainly not there. I'm working only on this base now. And that's ok.
     
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  13. marcpro

    marcpro Fapstronaut

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    As you'll talk to this girl, you'll see if you're interested or not.
    You will also notice normally if she is interested in you or not.
    Act natural, don't try the PUA stuff as mentionned before!
     
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  14. - Ω -

    - Ω - Guest

    I personally don't have any smooth lines or tips of that sort. I'm not going to say cliche things like "be an alpha" or whatever type of pseudo confidence booster people talk about these days. All I will say is be a man of character, which it sounds like you already are, and just talk to her as if you would any other human being. The main thing that is necessary is a genuine desire to know more about the other person and it sounds like you have that in spades.
     
  15. Just be yourself and let us know how things go after the wedding.
     
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  16. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    I stopped believing in those pseudo-confidence boosters too a while ago, it's just some marketing bulls**t to rip money off from people

    No way trying the PUA stuff... It's just some thing to get the easy women but as I said before, I'm not interested into that, I'm looking for something deeper, a connection and those "techniques" are not satisfying at all :)))


    I know it's best to just be myself and if she likes me then good, if not, no problem but I sometimes feel like I might not be enough and subconsciously try to act like some guy I think is cool and I know it's not serving my cause.. That's why I'm fighting and will sure keep the thread updated on Monday about how it was
     
  17. Another piece of advice: if you're asking for advice about girls, please give high weight to the advice you receive from women here. I only say this because I've seen so many people reject everything the women have to say and listen to the lame pick up artist types. Just remember that girls know how girls work better than guys do.

    Also, you mentioned the friend zone thing. Personally I think the whole idea is a bunch of BS. I want my husband to be my best friend, and like 90% of women I've met want that too. The "friend zone" thing doesn't happen because you're too good of a friend, so now all of a sudden she feels weird about liking you because you're friends and it would be weird or something. Friendzoning happens when someone isn't interested in or attracted to you, then you become friends with them, and they still aren't interested or attracted to you romantically.

    In other words... trying to be a girls friend is NEVER going to hinder your chances of becoming her boyfriend. If you feel "friend zoned" it's not because you are her friend, it's because she's just not into you. Which is why I hate the whole concept and wording of "friend zones." Being a good friend has nothing to do with whether or not she will be romantically interested in you. Think of those as completely separate things.
     
  18. theRegenerator

    theRegenerator Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for clearing things up for me a little.. I then think I should rethink my whole concept of "friendzones"
     
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  19. - Ω -

    - Ω - Guest

    I've always hated the term "friendzone." There needs to be a new term used which doesn't give the word "friend" a negative connotation. Being a friend means wanting the best for the person you've befriended and that's an amazing and essiental aspect of any healthly relationship. Selfishness is a cancer to any relationship, so if you can be her friend and establish that level of communication which comes with friendship, then this will do nothing but benefit you when you two take your relationship to the next level.

    Let's just put it this way; guys who act like it's a bad thing to be a woman's friend get the girls, while the guys who dont view friendship as a bad thing get the women. Women are always better than girls.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2016
  20. Love blooms from friendships. That's the natural progression, so feeling like being a girl's friend is some kind of demotion is just ridiculous. I've also heard it say that it's impossible for straight men to have female friends without any sexual or romantic connotations or expectations, which I think is just pretty sad if that's true.
     

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