Getting worried that he is doing it again...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Since January (about 6 months after D-Day), things have been going really well. Our sex life has been in a place it’s never been in our entire 7 years of marriage, and I’ve been loving seeing the changes in him and in us. He stopped attending meetings and therapy because he said he “got all he could” out of it, and didn’t want this to be a part of his life or take up any of his time any longer, which I agreed with and was happy with. Well, now, I have been feeling uneasy because of some red flags that popped up, that seem all too familiar. Once again, his body is not physically responding to my initiation for sex, (and he hasn’t initiated in weeks now again). Even if I spend a considerable amount of time performing oral sex on him, he is still limp. At one point, he put me in a very “porny” position and got erect from that but went soft again once he was inside me... this is exactly what used to happen all the time because of his porn use. And that has been the case the last couple of weeks. He’s been acting a lot more depressed again, as well. Of course, he explains these things away with the usual “anxiety” excuse. Whatever it is, it makes me completely not want to initiate sex again because it is an extremely shitty feeling when a man can’t get hard with you, or when he goes limp inside of you. I feel so stupid and humiliated, and not attractive. I’m sorry but, I don’t think any man with anxiety could be limp to a very enthusiastic 5 minute long BJ. Especially after going a couple weeks with “zero” stimulation. I don’t know... I hope I’m wrong because I was so happy with the changes, finally.
     
  2. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    You're not wrong.
    You said D-Day. Was that discovery or full disclosure? If he didn't take the time to write a full disclosure that was vetted with a counselor (that takes weeks to work through) and that he was willing to verify with a polygraph, he didn't come clean. I missed this step when I first got into recovery, it cost me five more years of relapses, more broken trust, more shame, more pain for my wife etc.

    . After six months he bailed? This is a life long commitment to getting and staying clean and it takes way more time than we want it to, as in years, to figure out what is buried beneath our addiction. When I relapsed I didn't want to go to group either. I didn't want to have to fess up to my acting out. But that is how we get better. NoFap is great but we really need people in our life that we are accountable to that are not our spouse.
    I've been in a group for over 4 years. It's what I do on Tuesday night and that is how life is and how it is going to be.
    This is understandable, you don't have a lot of experience dealing with addiction. You don't want to have to understand all that is involved in this addiction and well, now you have to. It sucks, it hurts, and that is your reality.
    If he hasn't been working with a CSAT counselor he should try to find one.
    The secrets he is keeping because of his shame will keep him chained to this addiction. He doesn't want to have to tell you and you sure as hell don't want to have to hear them. There really is no other way. That is the only way to get to a place where you can start to trust him. As a man, he wants and needs respect. That is earned by stepping up a facing reality like a man and owning his behavior. All of it.
    Sure it's hard and his addiction will fight like hell to find any way out, any corner to find in, any way to stay alive. Clean is better and he can get there. If you are willing to go the distance with him it can get better, if he is willing to do the work.
    I'm sorry you are here and wish you the best.
    He can reach out to me directly if he's willing to.
     
    EyesWideOpen and hope4healing like this.
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    No, we never did that type of disclosure with the lie detector test. Although, after this, I think I will take the CSATs offer up on it because this is ridiculous. We’ve thrown away 7 years to this garbage and I’ve been more than willing and forgiving since discovery day back in July. I’ve been by his side every step of the way and all I’ve asked for in return is honesty. That’s all. But I have always felt in my gut that he only admitted to me the bare minimum that was required to say “yeah, I watch a lot of porn.” But that thought went away when we started having great sex, often, and he stopped having ED issues. I thought, wow, maybe I CAN BE enough for him... but now, I don’t know. I don’t understand. So you think he probably has relapsed?
     
  4. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    He HAS relapsed.

    Please hear this: You are more than enough for him. You are faithful and encouraging and love him. And there IS a part of him that desperately wants to be clean and to acknowledge that you are everything he wants and needs. There is also a very powerful addiction that he has allowed to stay active in his life and he doesn't understand what it will take to get free of it. I was unwilling to fully acknowledge how much this affected everything in my life. I hope he is able to without having to loose everything to it.
     
    Faceplanter likes this.
  5. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. But how?! Why wouldn’t he take advantage of having such a supportive and forgiving partner who wants him to utilize every possible resource to fully heal from this? I tried loving him out of this, but I don’t think that worked. But if he’s choosing to protect his addiction and lie to my face despite me constantly holding him and cradling his face JUST to tell him how much I love him, how proud I am of him, and how we can get through anything... well, I just don’t understand how he will ever make the right decision. I have set him up for success, given him the support he needs, he has found a CSAT and a group, and accountability partners.... I don’t know what else can be done, and I don’t understand why he wouldn’t utilize all of this support and love. Because, eventually, after being lied to and manipulated enough, I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I’ve married a heartless, soulless monster, and there won’t be much love and support left to give..
     
    Susannah and Lilla_My like this.
  6. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    What Happened

    Have him watch this with you. That heartless, soulless monster is the addiction. I chose to allow that addiction to have a permanent address in my life for the first 30 years of my marriage. And I lied to protect it. When I was basically forced to start counseling for it my counselor told me 3 to 5 years. I laughed at him and thought no way they can it take that long. It did. The full disclosure is very important and I wished I would have done that early on because it didn't have to take that long.
    By the grace of God I am walking clean for the first time in my life and will no longer allow that to have any place in my life. My wife is finally able to have the man she has wanted to be married to.
    There is hope for recovery. It's a messy painful road, and it is has been travelled by many who are now free and there to support those still on the way.
     
  7. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve already made it clear, and so has his therapist, the effect this had on me and what it’s caused. I finally was getting better. It traumatized me to the point where some days I wouldn’t move from lying on the couch, and my children would come and wipe my tears. He’s seen all this, he’s seen what it’s done to me and he knows what it means to me but it’s not stopping him so- I don’t think that video will change anything. Unfortunately.
     
  8. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I have a question for you about this full disclosure/lie detector test thing. I noticed that he won’t talk about something if it isn’t directly asked. Lying by omission. So, what would you suggest I ask him to bring about a full disclosure, or what kind of questions should I ask for the lie detector test?
     
  9. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    It is a fair request that he does a full therapeutic disclosure. That is where you have a counselor to support you and he works with a counselor to write his disclosure. It goes through several revisions before you hear it and that generally happens in the presence of at least yours, typically both counselors.
    The polygraph is somewhat disputed by some. I was dead set against it because...well I had written a lie in my disclosure. Go figure... so, more pain, more trust damage, but ultimately it did what it was designed to do.
    Once that was out I agreed and passed.
    It was a huge relief for me abd a big trust builder for my wife.
    The questions are something you work out with your counselor and he reviews with his before he takes it so he can get grounded. This is expensive until you compare it to what the lawyers get in a divorce and it is an investment that will pay dividends for the rest of your lives together.
    Vicki Tidwell Palmer has a lot of good resources for partners and there is stuff on there about disclosure along with Doug Weiss.
    Please have him reach out to me if he will. This is a totally rotten thing to work through and our addiction is so deep seated that it is very hard to face even when we desperately want to be free of it. The pain it causes our wives is not even comprehendable to us.
    Healing can happen even with the most bone headed guys out there. I am one of those, and I'm experiencing that healing in myself and my marriage.
     
    ImOkYoureOk likes this.
  10. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    He came home from work and told me he needed to talk. He admitted relapsing. Now what?
     
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry. Hugs, hugs, hugs. No answer to your question, though...
     
  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I just feel very nauseous and stunned.
     
  13. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I agree with this assessment. He has relapsed. I can only assume that he is protecting the addiction or protecting himself from shame by lying.

    (I guess in theory he could be P free but substituting other images for P or just fantasies....look around these forums and you will see that many men will use the most narrow definition of P so they can be "P free")

    The lie detector test seems totally excessive to me (in general, not necessarily for your situation) but you do need full disclosure and full honesty.....the process that CtO mentioned will do that and maybe is the best choice since you have asked about a relapse.

    I would try again to get honesty first by addressing the issue directly and giving a path to reduce the shame for him, voicing your support for the relapse he doesn't want to admit to. And relapses do happen, he should understand that and you should as well. But, if that works, use the relief from lifting the shame off to get back into recovery and disclosure and honesty. A CSAT no doubt is good, but so is the group work that he left.

    I had a really big problem with the shame of this when I was trying to quit. I was committed to the idea but I was failing. Knowing how important it is for our SO makes it harder to admit to the failing even if we know that is the right thing to do. I can say for myself, the cycle of honestly admitting the porn use to relapsing and lying about the relapse took just as long to figure out as the physical and mental side of just avoiding porn. I *hope* I am there now, even with not knowing how my wife would react to a PMO relapse. So, please allow that the shame might be the problem and he's not just a monster.
     
    Committed to One likes this.
  14. Lazyguy21

    Lazyguy21 Fapstronaut

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    He has relapsed for sure and in my opinion his Zinc and Selenium levels have fallen way below the normal levels .
    this is affecting his libido and depression. Try to include more of Zinc rich food in his diet and keep him away from PMO.

    Let's hope for the best.
    Good Luck!
     
  15. hermit_ninja

    hermit_ninja Fapstronaut

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    Shame can be a big problem. Personally I got a lot of help by doing this thing called the "healing code". It seems weird but it worked for me. EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques might help also.
     

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