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Getting married soon, some questions

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Big Baller Shot Caller, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. Big Baller Shot Caller

    Big Baller Shot Caller Fapstronaut

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    I've been trying to overcome my several years long p addiction for 9 months now. I have been unsuccessful with my longest streak being 25 days... I have had several streaks lasting 20-25 days, but something always happens there and I have a relapse, usually binging for a few days.

    Well now my girlfriend of two years and I are getting married in a month. I wanted to be over this and be at least 90 days clean before we were married but that didn't happen. My last relapse was this morning... I can still be 30-35 days clean before we're married which is better than nothing. However, we are religious and have managed to abstain from sex while we've been dating. So needless to say, there will be lots of that once we're married haha. My question is will this be OK? Will having sex often like that be detrimental at all?

    I'm worried about it causing other problems in our relationship. I'm worried that I won't be curing my addiction, but that I'll be replacing it with sex with her. Common sense tells me that's not healthy, and I'm afraid it will cause problems down the line. My biggest fear in life right now is thinking I've overcome this, having a nice, happy family, and having this addiction resurface and destroy everything. I love her and want to overcome this for me and her so we can have a long, happy life together.

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
     
    zoetrent likes this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I think the bigger and more important issue should be telling your fiance about your problem before the big wedding day. This is not the kind of secret you should be carrying going into your wedding day. Your last relapse was THIS morning... this is not something from your past... this is a problem that you are currently still having.

    I had my addiction I was a teenager and thought my problem would go away once I got married and had unlimited sex. My addiction got worse and I got more deceptive and secretive as time went on. You can't hide that kind of behavior for long before your wife gets suspicious. You won't be curing or replacing your addiction by having sex. The root causes people turn to porn are not because of sex. People turn to porn because of emotional reasons and lack of coping skills. Yes it feels good, but beneath the surface you are medicating yourself with PMO. After you get married you will continue to have an addiction and will continue to seek it out because those underlying issues are still there.

    I'm sorry to point out these painful truths but I want you to walk into your marriage with your eyes wide open.
     
  3. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hey Big Baller Shot Caller,

    I'm the wife of a man who's been PMO and MO free for over six years. So it is doable, but it takes help to not relapse.

    About your questions:

    I've numbered your questions above. Here's my thinking on them.

    (1) What I've seen in the couples we help is when the relationship is strong and loving, having sex together isn't detrimental to the recovery process.

    (3) it also wont cure your addiction. If you can't get it up with her, then you'll need to do a 90-day reboot. If you can't make it that far, you'll need outside help.

    Before our marriage over 20 years ago, my heart beat out of my chest thinking of marrying him... not because I was 'just THAT in love', but because to me, his porn problem was close enough to an affair to me that I wrestled with the decision to marry him.

    But he said he was sure marriage would solve the problem, because he hadn't needed it during his first marriage. (He wasn't being truthful, it turns out.)

    W/in 6 months he found he became interested in other women at work.

    Long story short, porn and thinking of women at work were a problem in our marriage for the next 15 years until we did something radically different.
    (4) Replacing sex with her: You might be. If you've approached sex as a SELF-soothing, SELF-pleasuring thing, then your time with her may be all about your SELF. She will pick up on this eventually, even if you get good at pleasing her too. It's about bonding with your beloved, not pleasing yourself. When guys don't understand this, they end up using their wives as one more masturbatory aid.


    (5) I applaud you for asking the hard questions and realizing this can ruin your future life / marriage--because it can.
    My husband's last longest streak was right around 6 years. He hoped he'd beat the addiction, but it came back--and he almost lost everything. We HAVE done something radically different, so he's much more free of it now (doesn't feel like he's white-knuckling his sobriety this time).

    Not to say he won't ever go back to that lifestyle, but we've created something that far outshines other women to him. ​

    BONUS INFO:
    And since I work with spouses, I have to say it can also ruin your wife--I'm not going to lie. It definitely came close to 'taking me out' as there were several times I didn't want to live anymore; the craziness was just that bad.

    Again, I applaud you for asking the hard questions. It's good to get help now, because I think your subconscious is trying to tell you something: "I'm not sure if I can stay away from this for good."

    I hate to be so direct, but I've seen too many marriages / wives / men ruined by this.
     
  4. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Don't start your marriage with a huge lie in the middle of it!!! Don't do it. If she doesn't know yet, you need to tell her. She has the right to know and make her choice with all of the information. And do you really want to have this in the back of your mind while your taking your vows? You can't just hide it from her and fix it at some future date on your own.

    A relationship has to have complete honesty in order to be truly successful. Getting married and having sex won't fix the problem. Tell her now, and hopefully she will support you during your recovery and you can get married some time down the road.
     
  5. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    @Ifromcr please share. What have you done that's radically different and far outshines other women?
     
  6. Big Baller Shot Caller

    Big Baller Shot Caller Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for not making it clear in the OP, but my fiance knows of my addiction and has for the past 9 months. She's my AP, and I tell her every time I have a relapse. She knows I want to be rid of this and is a great support system. I'm a lucky man to have her! We've also been seeing a therapist together two or three times every month for the past few months. He offers some good advice and guidance and says he helps a lot of people with this issue.

    I very much appreciate all of the responses. You've all offered some good advice and answers that I'll take to heart. A lot of this stuff I'm aware of in the back of my mind or have read before, and sometimes it just needs to be brought forward again to remind me it needs to change. There is definitely some emotional baggage I carry. I got into a big fight with my parents when I was an angsty teenager and wouldn't talk to them or my siblings for several years. That's when my p use really took over. We have a better relationship now, but I often joke with my fiance that it made me emotionally retarded... I have a really hard time talking with people when I get angry which is something I didn't have when I was younger. I just shut down and don't want to do anything or talk about anything. I'm getting better with this as time goes on and I've become aware of it. It's not something I've had a chance to discuss with my therapist yet but I will. Sorry if that's tmi haha.

    I'm also very bad at zeroing on the internet as you called it Haizam. It's just something I do when I'm bored and have free time which often leads to p subs which leads to pmo. That's what happened in this last relapse, and I'm realizing now as I type this and reflect on it how many relapses I may have prevented if I were just more disciplined with that. I'll work on that more and setup reminders on my computer to not idly browse and to have intent when I use the internet. Thanks!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  7. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    That is great news to hear you are working together with your fiance to conquer this addiction. You can have no greater supporter than the one you love helping you out. People who reboot alone often miss out on the bonding that can take place during this process.

    Engaging in sex during a reboot has some potential risks. Porn flashbacks, ED, being unable to stay present and not zoning out, and the chaser effect are potential pitfalls. But after 9 months I think you are probably aware of the possible dangers. It also sounds like you have a handle on the problems from your past that made porn more attractive to you.

    The bigger danger will be handling any new issue and stresses that will arise once you get married and move in together. Continue to communicate and address them one by one as the arise. Fight the desire to have a 'man cave' or isolate yourself when troubles arise. There is no cure for addiction and all of us have to deal with new problems that threaten our sobriety. I wish you nothing but happiness and success as you go forward.
     
  8. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for assuming she didn't know. I think it's great that she is supporting you and that you're going to counseling together. You've made a commitment to honesty and recovery that will serve you and the relationship very well.

    I would try very, very hard to stay clean until the wedding night. You don't want that first sexual experience with her to be marred by having porn on your mind. Instead you want to have a connected and loving experience. I think being able to have real sex could help you recover as it will take away some of the physical urgency and will provide a much better alternative to PMO. I think you should also be aware that once some of the excitement and newness of that wears off, and lifes daily stresses return, you will probably be dealing with the strong urges again. Good Luck. Stay Strong.
     
  9. Blackenglish2017

    Blackenglish2017 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I'm late to this post. But I have to warn you against marriage. I have been married for 7 years and here in the UK you get less for murder. So that is saying something. If I could live my life again I would avoid getting married. Woman change after marriage and children. In a years time let me know how it goes.
     

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