Getting back into it

This is a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to listen. tl;dr im getting back into nofap and hopefully its going to help me in the long run. I used to be an active member on these forums and managed a 240 day hardcore streak back in 2017. I've never been a spiritual person but felt a sort of relgious devotion to improving myself through diet/exercise, nofap, and learning/doing well in school. I worked really hard and was able to get into the college I wanted to. However a year or so later I feel like my progress has been lost to a certain extent. I'm in a good school with engaging and challenging courses and there are lots of beautiful girls in my classes and there is great potential for me to finally get a girlfriend. However I have been in a slump recently. I have been using drugs and watching porn and living an unhealthy and unrewarding lifestyle. I want to go back to looking and feeling good having more confidence and becoming a version of myself that is successful. Lately I have been super stressed and have had social anxiety because I have been avoiding my duties and responsibilities and have accepted a single life with finding love seeming always out of reach. I don't want to live this way anymore. There is nothing stopping me from getting into shape making good grades and finding a girl except myself. It is difficult to start building these positive habits again but the alternative is not satisfying anymore. It is enjoyable to smoke weed play video games eat food and watch porn but it is time to stop doing these things so that I can find a pure form of happiness.

My reason for doing nofap has always been the same. I want to find a girl to get to know and spend time with. I want to find love. I'm 19 and have still never kissed a girl before and it has been really difficult to cross that initial threshold. Last night I was at my friend's apartment and his girlfriend brought one of her friends over. She was really attractive but I assumed I didn't have much of a chance and was also very high and lazy. I just acted weird and indifferent and even rude by not giving her any attention. She kept looking at me and I ignored her because I was nervous and afraid of rejection. I found out later that she was single and looking to meet someone and that we used to go to the same school. I was finally presented with a chance and I blew it. This was a wake up call for me and made me realize I'm not the person I want to be and it's time to rethink my lifestyle.

I know it's silly but never being with a girl before really gets to me. I love girls and want someone to fall in love with and spend time with but for some reason I don't feel like I deserve love. I started watching porn again but its just brief pleasure and it doesnt make me want sex more. I just want someone beside me at night to cuddle with. I'm lonely. I'm older now but I'm still completely inexperienced. It's something you have to do on your own but I have just been too much of a coward to get anywhere.

I'm in a low spot and feeling depressed but the good news is that I have decided to change. I need to have clear goals. I can't just keep sleepwalking through life letting opportunities pass me by. I know what I want in life. I want to get married and have a family one day. It is up to me to become a better version of myself and gain the confidence to start asking out girls again. I have made and broken a promise to myself a few times. I promised myself that I would abstain from masturbation until I had sex with a girl. I'm making this promise again and I feel like I'm finally in a position where I can turn it into reality. The next time I post on these forums it will be in the success stories section after I have become the version of myself I want to be and have gotten somewhere in my love life.