Gay Men's Group

Gay guy, 29 in an LTR. Have gone 26 days NoFap. Have shared this with my boyfriend and told him the philosophy behind it and he has been pretty chilled about it, supportive even. We still fool around which is great and I am harder than I have been in a long time, just don't cum (hoping this will change with time). Topping has been the biggest challenge, so bottoming a lot at the moment, but have to say even that feels better, more comfortable and I'm guessing this has something to do with lessened sexual anxiety and lessened anxiety in general. There are two reasons I started nofap 1.) the aforementioned issue with topping (I can't get hard enough and both my boyfriend and I want me to top him) and 2.) I would like to cum from the sexual intimacy happening in the bedroom, not the intimacy (porn) mentally recreated in my head during sex.

I find my partner very attractive so no issue there. I know that over a decade of only knowing porn induced orgasm, combined with severe depression/anxiety and the associated pharmaceutical treatments have confused my penis and my brain a lot. I consider nofap an absolute blessing. Having overcome the depression and being med free for over 6 months means I'm more than half way to recovery. I'm already seeing positive results from abstaining from fapping.

1. I find it easier to talk to people particularly men who I would normally be shy approaching.
2. My penis looks healthier and gets harder when aroused.
3. I'm sleeping better after years of insomnia.
4. I am less anxious and can approach life's problems with a clearer mind.
5. I am more focussed.

On the first point, I actually find myself starting up conversations with men rather than standing in the corner thinking they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I can get shy after I've started talking to them, but it's fantastic to suddenly realise you have put yourself out there in a situation that would normally scare the life out of you. I'm not in the game at the moment of course, but it is nice to flex your flirt muscle once in a while.

I'll leave it there for now, but would love to hear from other gay guys about their experiences.

M

 

Hey Matt, welcome to the group! Congrats on going 26 days with NoFap. That's great. I wish I had a partner in an LTR that I could focus all my sexual energy into. It would be great to just top with no condom. One of my issues is PMO induced ED, which truthfully only comes when I put the condom on while topping. This never used to be an issue, but now with the condom I just...lose my hardon. That I'm trying to get over which I think would help if I used the Magnum thin condoms I like to use instead of the regular magnums which are so thick you can barely feel anything. I also feel it's more of an anxiety issue as well.

I had a bit of a situation on Sunday night. I wouldn't call it a relapse. I just ended up hooking up with this really, REALLY hot young dancer who is an acquaintance of a friend. I was trying to be on hard mode but I couldn't resist. It just...happened. Actually though I didn't even ejaculate at all and I only fapped insofar as we were messing around with each other. One thing I noticed (after about 10 days of hardmode) is that my dick was actually really hard. I couldn't successfully top the guy because I didn't have great lube or the right condoms, and he was SUPER tight and I didn't have any poppers. I'm a pretty big dude (8.5) and he just couldn't take it. So we messed around a bit, did some frot, he came, and I was cool with that.

Nofap is really helping me because my issues are anxiety-induced. Like i feel the pressure to perform instead of just have fun, and it's a dick wilter. Now knowing that sex is off the table is helping me to become more organically sexual if that makes any sense. I really don't want to have sex for at least 30 days (so about 3 more weeks). I like how this feels because it's like I'm taking ownership of my sexuality back.

 

Hey RLS,

I can absolutely relate to the condom issue. I go as flat as a slashed tyre when wearing a condom and my partner says he experiences a bit of that too. I don't know that it is related to PMO though as many guys, gay or straight, report this problem with condoms. I guess it is possible that the PMO ED kicks in more easily when condoms are introduced. I compare condoms to an uncomfortably tight sweater in summer.

While my partner is supportive there are definitely times that I know he is a disappointed. Being in an LTR can actually make it harder (not the good hard) in that respect. Cumming is a big part of love making and if you don't cum then it feels incomplete for both you and your partner. That's where the communication is key.

I'm glad you feel like you are taking control of the situation. It certainly feels that way for me and while I've nearly slipped up a couple of times I have always brought myself back to a positive space and got my hand off it before it's too late. I have a staunch time frame of 90 days on this experiment and that includes no self pleasuring during sex. I don't feel that being intimate and sexual with my partner counts as falling off the NoFap wagon. I want to be able to pleasure my partner during this journey and store up the sexual energy that intimacy creates so that I can show my body what real intimate pleasure is all about.

Here's to getting back to a natural sexual self!

 

Finally, a forum for gay men! Thanks for creating this Blue. I've read some of your other posts, and find them really helpful.

I'm a 28 year old gay man, and have watched porn and masturbated regularly for over 7 years. I'm looking forward to kicking the habit. I hope it will bring me closer to myself and partner, increase my self control, help desexualize the way I see the world, make me more connected to reality, and give me a better way of expressing myself.

I'm looking forward to it, but I'm sure I'll need your support, guys. Thanks in advance.

 

Thank u Blue for setting this up. I'm so happy there are guys I can relate to on here.
If anybody wants to chat please feel free to message me.
I'm nearly through my first week of NoFap and I've found the weekend very tough.

 

Literally I was thinking of doing this but did not have the courage! Glad to be apart of this group! Love you guys! 24 year old gay man.

 

Hey guys, How can we better support each other on here? What are the needs?

 

Hey Blue, I am new to Redit and I have subscribed to "Gay Men's NoFap Group". When viewing the discussion board, I don't see a button to add my post to the thread. Please advise.

 

Same here I have added but no way to comment.

 

Hey guys, I think the moderator of the group needs to approve your membership first before you can post, check back into the group in a few days to see if you've gained access

 

Hey there, 37yo gay guy in Ireland here, literally just discovered this 'movement' this evening and am totally (not literally) blown away. I dont want to be too optimistic, but so many of the problems I have experienced in my adult life seem to have been listed by so many people as being possibly linked to too much time on the net, all those hours of edging, and masturbating!

Not sure if I should start out with a long intro about myself, but I am READY to give this a try. I havent had a relationship for many years, I'm told I am an attractive guy, and certainly am not short of offers when I go out to the clubs etc. But for such a long time I have been unable to sustain an erection. I dont have a problem getting one but its gone again pretty quickly. Any hookups I do have (and they are rare) usually end up with me smiling and telling the guy "dont worry I just prefer to see other guys shoot"!

I could go on, have suffered from depression and at times chronic and debilitating procrastination.....and really am TIRED of it! Often feel very lonely and isolated and wonder why the hell cant I have a relationship like most of the rest of the planet.

So....would love to hear from more of you guys, your experiences etc...

Oh and Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Dublin

 

Hey guys, I identify as a gay male. I come from a very open and supportive family. I'm a dancer constantly looking for self improvement, and ultimately healing from a lower back injury. Cutting to the chase: I've been working with a holistic healer and he mentioned not masterbating to me. I'm very involved in the yoga and meditation scenes, and have read a little about "not releasing your sexual energy" and so after he mentioned it to me I started doing some research and found NoFap. I'm on day 8. I woke up this morning without an alarm, did my morning yoga routine and have more energy than I've had in a very long time. I'm scared to death of a flatline and what that feels like. I crave a relationship with a man (there's about 10% of me that's open to women - truly, if it presented itself) that's beautiful, intimate, loving, and authentic. Have any of you altered your diet in this journey? What seemed to help? Truly blown away by how open and accepting this community is. (please don't think I'm a gay cop-op with the slightly interested in women comment. I've had a 2.5 year monogamous and 2.5 year monogamous gay relationship that all of my friends supported me in, but nature's been pushing women onto me recently, in a very flirtatious way, and I've enjoyed every ounce of it. I don't know what to do with this energy that's coming my way…I'm curious as to why it's happening but not holding back. I'm literally posting this thinking "I wish I wasn't this guy…I usually hate this guy on forums) Anyways, porn wise, I've always watched gay and straight porn but I'm totally wanting to reboot to move through financial struggles with more mental clarity, allow my full spiritual self to come more into the light, and just allow nature to use me in the most loving way possible.

 

I'm so glad I found this thread! I'm starting my journey today. I started to suspect I had an issue, when I tried to top with the guy I'm dating. I'd had issues in the past but always found other things to blame them on; trust, drinking, connection etc.

And this guy is so patient and understanding so far. The other night We went through 7 condoms and almost a whole bottle of lube trying to make it happen. Got in for a little bit, then lost it when we tried to switch positions. He topped me with no problems. In the morning, tried again, managed to go long enough for him to get off, but I never did. I'm concerned I'm turning him off and I'm afraid to lose someone I like so much over something so stupid!

I went to a sex shop last night, got a cock ring, a tenga masturbation device and an aphrodisiac pill. I was determined to fix this. Still couldn't get off. With or without a condom.

Until this morning. When I was alone, with porn. Ive been watching porn, on a near daily basis for at least 5 years. I began to think a porn addiction could be the issue. Then I began research and here I am. Luckily, my guy is going to be out of town for a few weeks for the holidays, so I have time to go hard mode. Hopefully, he sticks around for it. Today begins my journey.

 

Hey guys!
Just started the challenge...I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing just yet. I'm thinking one month with no masturbation/porn to see how things go and then I'll play it by ear. But is it okay to watch porn after your challenge is up? Or do you feel that it is a trigger?
I'm looking forward to this challenge and I'm glad there is a group for the gays on here

Adam

 

Hiya fellas,

I just started the challenge too and just joined the nofap community. I notice this thread hasn't had many posts in the last couple of months and wanted to see if there were any gay men who wanted to revive it. I could definitely use the support.

Quick question: is this thread the "Gay Man's NoFap group" or is there an actual other location for the group? I couldn't find it.

So first, a little bit about me - 33 yo gay man who's PMO'd the greater part of 20 years or more. It started out as a passing fascination with taped clips of shirtless hunks on 90210 and Melrose place, then graduated to online pics in the advent of AOL, and then after college and high-speed internet, well, that was it --> where I spent my time, money, and sexual energy. Over the past many years, I've found such comfort in PMO, as an escape from my daily stressors. What I didn't realize is that the act, combined with smoking weed and cigarettes, using poppers, and sexual implements invisibly transformed from a form of escape and pleasure to a form of oppression. Only now, as I look back, do I see how many of my anti-social habits (eg. staying in all weekend in cycles of binging and never leaving the house) were attributed to my PMO/fapping, and that it made my already stressful life even worse.

From a romantic standpoint, I have never had much success. Initially, I attributed it to my shyness and some of my own body issues. When I finally mustered up the courage to put myself out there, though, a surprising, but negative pattern arose. I would meet cute guys, do brilliantly on the first couple of dates, and then when it got physical, I just couldn't do it. Nothing that my romantic partners could do could keep me hard and stimulated the way porn did. Time after time, I would psych myself out, "take one for the team" or perhaps become a bottom by default- somewhat like IrishGuy's post from 3/16/14 - and eventually just hope and pray that he would leave quickly so I could really "get down to business and pleasure" by myself. Time after time, the guy would be understanding and patient, and then I'd find any number of excuses to part ways and avoid confronting some of my fatal flaws - PMO.

I have been to therapy, shared my story with friends and lovers, and only until I found out about this community did I ever hear mens' stories that were similar to mine. For a long time, I thought I might be one of the only ones out there. Perhaps you felt the same relief when you realized you weren't the only one too.

As I move onwards to a new phase of my life - new city, new job, new outlook on life - I want to conquer this part of my life. I recently, just a few months ago, came out to my mother, the very last person I needed to come out to before "everyone who was anyone" in my life knew. As I set my sights on continued growth and development, I want to find deep, meaningful, fun, and sexual relationships with other men. I want to stop hearing that voice screaming in my head whenever things get sexual - my own voice inside my head saying, "You're not going to stay hard. This isn't porn. He's judging you. Think about (whatever scene last turned me on)... focus on it... You're getting soft.... (and so on and so forth)" until I finally just blurt out loud - "I want you to cum. I don't need to. It's me, not you." To get over that, I need to focus on detaching my life from PMO.

So ends my somewhat abbreviated story of entering the nofap community....

A few of my interests in posting:
- Finding an accountability partner
- Holding myself accountable for a one week streak - hard mode - by posting, creating counters, etc.
- Beginning to build a community of gay men who are going through similar things

Some of my worries:
- If you're a gay man, I'm worried that I'll use our chatting and virtual connection as a way of covertly verbalizing my fantasies with you - creating a trigger for me or you.
- If you're a straight man, I'm worried that my "straight guy" fantasies will be triggered in chatting with you.
In both of the above cases, there's a fine line for me between sharing emotionally intimate details and that leading to attraction or stimulation.
Which leaves... women or transgender accountability partners? I worry there, that I won't feel enough shared experience for me to feel an effective partnership.
- I tend to "reward" my good behavior with food and/or PMO. I worry that abstaining will lead me to breaking down and "rewarding" myself with in-the-moment pleasure.
- I worry that somehow my identity will be found out or made public (I don't mind a trust few to know who I am, what I look like, etc.) --> this seems like such a taboo topic still.

Don't quite know how to end this. I guess, please email or respond if:
- You want to set up an email or online accountability check-in system (maybe once per day near the end of the day?)
- You want to respond to the thread to connect gay men throughout the nofap community (I know there are lots of other threads that begin to do this...)
- You have a suggestion of how to address some of my worries listed above.

Posting on reddit site too, in case that triggers some more responses!

Thanks for the time and consideration!

- Jay

 

Shockingly few posts on here. I've enjoyed reading thus far and look forward to sharing with more of you. It seems like a lot of gay guys haven't made their way to this community. Is there somewhere else I should be looking?

I'm a mid-30s single dude who has gotten really deep into high-speed porn since a long-term relationship ended about 7 years ago. Since then I've had one 2-year relationship & several other short-term relationships. None of them have ended bc of ED, although I've sought out partners who've preferred to be active. I'd like to be active as well, but my dick doesn't stay hard. I'd say the ED has only been noticeable for about the last 5 years, but over the last 3 years, I'm almost always dead down there when with a partner. At one point I convinced myself that my sexuality changed & that I'm just not physically attracted to a lot of guys. This is because every now and again, I'll meet some guy where the ED doesn't play a factor. In any case, I'm ready to stop PMO & go off sex until further notice.

Since I'm just starting out with this, I'm struggling with the FOMO that accompanies closing down all of one's online profiles. I've so far eliminated cam4, grndr, scruff, hornet, A4A, my MO skype account, but I'm resisting deleting the xvideos account. I have about 700 incredible videos in my pornafolio, & it's killing me to shut it down...

I don't know when the last day that I PMO'd was -- maybe about a week ago? What I did do was look at cam4 & xvideos about 4 days ago without touching myself.

It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready for it. All of this is made tougher by the fact that it's summer & I like to swim & then read at the beach. When I hit the showers, there are many times when a guy will be looking at me (this is a regular beach. I don't live on the euro or american continents). The thrill of being outdoors & having an attractive guy staring at me gets me hard & then I have to think about other things. The thought of a public interaction turns me on a lot. In the past, I'd come home & edge for a really long time. I just hope the beach doesn't become a trigger. I have strong will, so I don't think it'll get in the way of my reboot.

More to come

 

Since no one responded on here or has signed on to do a challenge, I began writing on another forum. Unfortunately, the guy whose challenge I followed has slipped up twice already, so I think it'd be more helpful if I wrote here.

It's been rough going these last days. I almost started edging the other day. Some dude sent me a cock pic, & I got hard and played with it for about 30 seconds before snapping out of it, getting out of bed & going to the gym. Surprisingly, I haven't had any other times that I've touched it - save for urinating - in the entire half month. I don't need anyone to applaud for me though.

I read a self-help book on habits in which the writer categorizes people according to how they approach habit formation. I'm certainly the type that can meet a goal if it's internally set but resists those that come from the outside. For that reason, I'm fairly convinced that I'll meet this self-imposed no PMO challenge. The thing that's difficult is that I'm ready for a relationship with someone great, so while I'd like to do a hard reset, I don't want to wait until the Fall to date people. Why would I have to put off dating people? In the gay world that I've experienced, it's nearly unthinkable to date someone without engaging in sex. Thinking about it a bit more, I suppose I can come clean to someone I'm dating. If he's not open to this, perhaps he's not mature enough for me.

Other difficulties:
Lack of support
About a week and a half ago, I explained that I wasn't PMO-ing to a guy that I dated. I've also said this to a pair of gay friends. None of them have offered support; indeed they've said that it's unhealthy NOT to beat off. This after i explained that I had some ED that I believed was caused by P addiction. I think PMOing is so prevalent that most people don't see it as anything but another move on the repertoire of a healthy sexual person.

grndr, scruff, hornet, a4a, etc.
Even though I haven't strung relationship to relationship throughout my adult life, my default single stance is to be on the look-out for one. That is to say that in meeting people, the goal has been to find someone compatible to date seriously & bring home to the family. I derive more pleasure out of life (and waste much less free time) when I'm paired up. After moving to the middle east, I was shocked at the scarcity of dating websites. (yeah, I know. foolish. It should have been exactly what to expect) The only online places that are frequented are sex apps. Naturally, it's not impossible to meet someone to date seriously on them, but they lack two things that I require.
1. decently-sized field to enter biographical information.
Online dating tech is really good at allowing someone to discard those who would simply not be suitable long-term matches, before engaging them in conversation. Online sites (like okc), allow you to peek into who that person is, see what makes him tick & get a decent idea of his interests. In my case, I get to "like" guys who I think I'd dig spending a lot of time with before I get captivated by their physiques. Guys who speak other languages, are willing to live outside of the states, are compassionate and kind to other beings, are out, etc. and have opted to include this info.
On the apps, the fields are too small. There simply isn't enough space for me to find out an adequate amount of info about that person.
2. non-dick and ass shots.
As I'm doing this challenge, it's incredibly difficult to be on those apps as I'm bombarded with attractive pics of dudes' body parts. I don't care about dick size (ok a dumpy ass will pretty much get you crossed off my list), but that doesn't mean it doesn't turn me on to see a nice face and a nice body. I get that jolt of horniness and my judgment gets clouded with steam.
Also people are mostly cruel and have the ultimate goal of sex if they're on there. Of every 10 guys I've met up with, 9.5 have tried or hinted at hooking up by the end of the night.

That's where I'm at. More later. I think no one reads these, but it's good to write it all down anyhow.

If anyone wants to join me on my mission, please do!!