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Gay maledom

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Llamasttime, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Llamasttime

    Llamasttime Fapstronaut

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    I'm on day 0 and can't really stop with my obsessive thoughts. Yesterday I was going to meet some guy for the only purpose of being insulted and ridiculed and now it's repeatedly coming back to my mind as something I really want to do, as if I saw it as a form of actual love that I need. Kind words don't have the same effect to me as humiliation for not being a 'real' man and not being straight. It's not like I have actually been disrespected in the past, all sexual encounters I have had I have been respected as a gay man, but I know deep inside there's this itch I've always wanted to scratch, to be acknowledged as something worthless even though I know I have value and am a normal human being.
     
    MikeyRamirez likes this.
  2. You need a psychologist!!!
     
    SuperiorMan95 likes this.
  3. Llamasttime

    Llamasttime Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, you're right! I do see one.
     
  4. We all need one. And one would also help basically everyone I know even though they might not need one.
    Anyway which aspect about it is struggling you Most?
     
    DeepSeaDiver and Llamasttime like this.
  5. Llamasttime

    Llamasttime Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you, thank you.

    It's hard for me to relate to other men, so when I see a masculine strong guy I think the only way to be validated is if I put myself in the position to be mistreated by him for his entertainment.

    When I watch p I want to be both him, because he's what I want to be as a man, and the person he dominates.

    So what I mean is basically that my feeling lonely triggers me a lot and makes me feel like I'm somehow wrong and deserve to be treated badly, and I cope a lot with pmo.
     
  6. daniel193

    daniel193 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like this could have arisen because of past experiences such as bullying or mistreatment by someone close to you. You may have started to believe that other person's view of you as worthless and inferior, and now seek to validate that view of your self in a sexualised manner. Your brain may have become wired to feel most comfortable when you're abused in that way.

    Does that ring any bells for you? I may be well off, but it is just a guess based on what you've reported.

    As well as cutting out porn, masturbation and these kind of sexual encounters, would you consider something like meditation to improve your self-esteem and break out of this cycle?

    Hope this helps you dude, and best wishes for making some changes and feeling happier
     
  7. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    Do you have depression and/or negative self talk as well? Your case sounds very similar to what I enjoy, except it's with women. I love it when women humiliate me and have paid women just to humiliate me and also asked strippers to make fun of me and slap me as hard a they can. daniel193, what you said makes sense to me. i grew up in a household that wasn't very loving so was basically alone all the time just watching tv by myself, and i was also made fun of a lot in school no matter what I did and didn't/don't have very many friends. Basically I feel like people hate me/dont like me everywhere I go. This is sometimes reinforced by people's actions even when I haven't done anything to them.
     
    MikeyRamirez and Llamasttime like this.
  8. Llamasttime

    Llamasttime Fapstronaut

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    I think what you said about validating that view in a sexualised way was so spot on, sometimes we use sex as a way to make something pleasurable out of something painful.

    Maybe because I was distanced from other men, I started developing a biased view of masculinity. With my eyes I saw homosexuality as something ridiculed and avoided like a monster, and I started viewing heterosexual men as better, the type of person I would aspire to be, but also the type of person that, since I can't be, I praise... By supporting this cycle of thoughts as well.

    I like the idea of meditating and freeing myself from participating to my thoughts, so I will try it along with my abstinence, thank you!
     
  9. Llamasttime

    Llamasttime Fapstronaut

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    Hey I feel you. Negative self talk is what it takes to become entangled in this way of perceiving ourselves.

    You say your family environment wasn't loving enough, so I guess you started distracting yourself with tv. That was also my experience and I understand you, we're on similar paths.

    Do you think we escaped mentally in our own worlds in some kind of way? I feel like I created a narrative of myself where it's sort of a fact that I have some negative traits and everybody in this narrative knows them, they even like that I am like that and want me to stay like that. What do you think?
     
  10. MikeyRamirez

    MikeyRamirez Fapstronaut

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    I also feel pleasure in the similar things. My sexual fantasies involve me as a cuck. And the bull insulting me in every possible way. What should I do?
     
  11. Lenard Fosterman

    Lenard Fosterman Fapstronaut

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    This is a striking description of what is called internalized stigma in social identity theory. It's a self-abnegating coping strategy if a stigma is attributed to you by a dominant group, defining and downgrading you as an outsider. As if you agree with the heteronormative majority (in this case) that you're not that worthy as they are and that same-sex attraction is a deficit. You consent to the humiliation and and become yourself the agent that turns against yourself, in a desparate attempt to rejoin the dominant group - if your personality trait is unchangeable, then at least you may back down in your endorsing attitude towards it.
    A different psychological strategy if belonging to a discriminated minority is to challenge and revalue the prevalent concepts. Black is beautiful or gay pride are well-known showcase slogans of such self-confident redefinitions.
    There are plenty of concepts and ideals of masculinity, differing widely over ages and contexts. In some cultures masculinity wasn't/isn't even related that much to sexual orientation (of which there wasn't even a concept). There may be different criteria to prove proper manhood than with whom you like to sleep with. It's all about what we make up in our minds... so dare to be true to yourself in the first place and don't let yourself be impressed by what seems to be unquestionable normalcy.
     
    Llamasttime and Deleted Account like this.
  12. we all have a shadow (read Carl Jung) and maybe you can discover something powerful from this dark feeling of wanting to be insulted. That's a very powerful feeling- does it liberate you? Sometimes people in powerful positions seek such relationships as it is a form of stress relief from their normally well adjusted lives. Try to look at it from other angles and deconstruct it-I also believe the dominant person can also feel driven to be so brutal and insulting as this need to insult might be his dark shadow, which puts both of you in the same boat but on different sides!
     
    Llamasttime likes this.
  13. Depends, where you want this to go? I mean, you could establish a BDSM relationship with a responsible guy, who satisfies your fantasies in a safe setting.
    As a gay man, you have lot of more options, to go directly for it and realize your sexual fantasies with a partner.
    Another possble method would be, you take the classical way of rebooting and recovering from any porn first and discover then, what will remain of these kind of fantasies at all.
     
    MikeyRamirez and Deleted Account like this.
  14. SuperiorMan95

    SuperiorMan95 Fapstronaut

    Have you ever read The Way of Men by Jack Donovan? He's gay but he wrote an excellent manifesto on what it means to be a man (and it's not some liberal crap). It's the straight dope on masculinity. In fact the author of Fight Club is a fan of the book. :emoji_fist:
     
  15. MikeyRamirez

    MikeyRamirez Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I am trying the reboot option. Since I was unable to search any responsible guy.
     
  16. I bought it last night on kindle- its brutal stuff but a useful reminder of the basics-thanks for the recommendation
     
  17. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    My situation was a little different, but a lot the same. I've had fantasies for many years involving being dominated, owned, controlled, etc. I could say a lot more, but that can be a bad idea. I've never done anything with someone in person, but in the past I've role-played this online.

    What do I think this means? I think it means that I want to be let off the hook from being responsible for my choices. Also, I think it does involve, somehow, having a negative view of myself as a man.

    I have found that when I abstain from porn and masturbation and fantasy, the power and urgency of it all fades greatly. Also, when I am tempted, it helps a lot to look "past" the temptation, as it were, and think about what it's truly about -- what's behind it. And I find it helpful to confront directly the implicit idea of my not being a real man.
     

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