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Gaining more everyday! My Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Br1 R1, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    @GhostWriter & @HonestyMatters my reply to the post on HM's journal. Brought over to mine as we did make an agreement to not post on each others in response to issues raised. So basically not have discussions on each others journals, GW broke this rule but he did not know and only did it with loving helpful thoughts so no problem as always respect all you have to say and your help is always appreciated so dont hesitate to do it again if you feel it's required.
    I dont think I had a bad upbringing, I wasn't abused or have any sexual hangups, did not have a lot of female presence, having no sisters and my mum was absent due to being busy and an alcoholic, being a middle child with older tough brothers and a much younger brother did mean I didn't get a lot of attention. Possibly why I left home at 18 and never went back. My life was not a screw up, I bought my own house by myself at around 28, I had 2 cars and a motorbike and had not been out of work since 17 and still haven't not been unemployed for longer than a few weeks. I had a very social life back then, I was in 2 different pool team, one at a pool club the other was at the pubs, I played for over 6 years, even played top grade for 2 years. Was a member of a car club which we did a lot of social events. Played squash for many years as well. I was out most weekends and had a lot of friends where we used to live, grew up there from about 12 after travelling a lot and going to lots of different schools so did find it hard to make friends when younger but later in life 18+ I had and knew a lot of people. So really I can't think of anything in my past that caused me to have this addiction later in life. I don't even have an addictive personality unless it's chocolate!
    Yes like you say we addicts have viewed way too much and it is unfathomable, imagine telling someone from over 100 years ago all you have seen, I know I could remember maybe a title of movies or types and every now and then a flash of memory comes in but trying to remember what exactly I have seen is not possible. I do remember our wedding day, how beautiful my wife looked and how I felt so lucky to be marrying her. I remember our breakfast and the lunch and the wine, oh the bottle of wine we consumed! I remember our dinner and mostly the desserts, so many like the wine too much! I can remember nearly all the details same as the births of our children as traumatic the first was and can still picture it all like a movie when I think about it. So I know what is important to me and what drives me and it is not P or the volume i looked at.
    My wife knew nothing about me, unfortunately like her family she knew of mine, possibly why we are on the other side of the country. Yes I didn't share a lot and am quite shy and don't like to share a lot, even writing this is terrifying for me, like standing in front of a huge crown in my undies. I am doing it though because I need to get out of my comfort zone and tell my thoughts and feelings. I just mostly don't know if ow I am feeling today is the same as tomorrow so I know I write differently depending on how I am feeling. This is why I sometimes don't write a lot as I know when I am feeling more positive it comes out in my writing. I really don't know how much I was PMOing before we met, I am sure I was frequently as I was single for about 8 months before we met. I know I had some mags and a couple of videos but not a huge collection of P, mostly I was going out a lot as before I was in a club and had my pool comps and was playing squash. My car though I had to take of the road because when I bought my house I didn't have any spare money, racing cars cost a lot and having a house was more important to me.
    I don't think I have anymore I could tell my wife, most of the things I saw that I really was shocked about were not by searching for them but because of how I was looking for P. My main usage was at work so I could not put search things in that would flag up. So I worked out that looking at untitled videos would bring up P videos or at least topless or P type stuff. It also though would sometimes have rape, child, bestiality, gay, trans or just rough stuff all I was not interested in. I was more just vanilla or even just flashing video, women just having fun type of stuff. I am so glad when I read some of the fetishes there are out there I never got hooked on them. Also I think in my mind by what I watched I wasn't exploiting anyone, I have a different view on that now and also on the whole how I view females now. When challenged that there must be more what do I say, just make stuff up because other P addicts have looked at much worse so that means I must have? I find it difficult to keep having these discussions as yes there was things I didn't want to see but have, do I want to remember them or talk about them when it was not intentional and I didn't watch once i realised what it was, so most times would only see a few seconds. I don't think I am a pedo because I seen a young child naked a few times over the years, if I got excited and looked for this then yes. Which takes me to Voyeur P, this was something I did watch and it made me do things I am ashamed of but in my head at the time was ok as i was married to her. I did take photos of my wife when she was passed out drunk on a few occasions and a couple of times I took photos while we were just hanging around and a video when she was really drunk and I was trying to show her how bad she gets, this video never worked anyway, not even sure why my phone was shit and never worked properly. I mean its not like we never shared naked photos of each other. We had even taken sex videos and did a naked shoot down the beach. When I took these photo's was when we were separated and I was living in a different room but still desired my wife. My justification was I was trying not to use P so took photos of her to get off on. It was still wrong and was violating to her, which I didn't think about at the time. Once I was found out I realised what I had done was wrong and have never done it again or even thought about it. It is though one of the main issues for her and it does not help that I don't remember it when doing recovery as I am only thinking about my P usage.
    I must be related, I am always saying "How can I know what I don't know until I know it" like IA, she says I need to sort this out so I say that is why I am doing the IA work, no this is not good enough you need to sort it now. How can I sort it now if I don't know how to? She says that's what you have to do, just get on here and sort that shit out! Ok so I am trying to sort out shit when I dont know why I am thinking or feeling the way I am? How do I do this with no tools and guidance? I thought this is why I am doing the work, to work out how to fix the issues? No apparently I have to just know this shit and get on here and sort it, so here I am sorting shit, like pushing water uphill with a fork.
    Yes we both need to work on our own stuff, I remember differently to what my wife does, even how we remember in our heads is different. I can picture and replay stuff like a movie and can feel the feelings. But if there is nothing it is black and empty of feelings, or sometimes just feelings, so if I think of being married I am filled with love and happiness but also apprehension and loss. Because I can remember my wedding day like a movie I can know why I had these feelings and associate them, if I have no recall and only a feeling then I have to use best judgement, in the end all I can do is tell it is as i feel it or remember it. I will not lie about the memories as I already know I have disclosed all I have done, not the volume and exactly but when and where and it has only ever been P. I did get drunk one night when we were separated and I was looking at P and seen and ad for a local sex hook up site. I was curious so went in to look, I had to answer a few questions so basically joined to get in. Didn't even see one profile pic as it went on forever and I just gave up. Now also at this time my wife had said things to me like she would just bring guys home and I couldn't do anything about it etc.. some real nasty stuff said as you all have had fights know what I mean. All past history now and at our lowest point. Anyway this was my worst that I had done, forgot all about it until weeks later when I checked the email I had used and there was a heap of messages to me from the site. I deleted them and then thought about closing the account which would have meant going into the site. We were going ok again at this stage so I did what I normally do and did nothing. My wife ended up finding the emails as they kept coming, she could see I had not opened any and I tried to explain why I had not closed and even why I opened but no as you can imagine and rightly so she saw the worst and still thinks I hooked up with some of them. I know I didn't and as I am shy and don't even talk to women and have low self esteem etc. could not ever do this and face rejection anyway even if I wanted to.I know it sound implausible but it is what it is.
    Reminds me of a joke - A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled the cow kicked it down with hie left foot so I tied up her left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right foot to a pole too. As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

    Yes but seriously you are right I do need to be just there for her and be honest which this argument was all about, I was honest but could not give all the facts so she was not happy with the answers, but the answers I had was all I could give. I did try to come to work out a solution to change the wording so it was what she wanted to hear but was still what I honestly believed but it was too late she was already pissed so was not willing to compromise then. Also maybe because I got upset and said "You just want me to lie to you and tell you thats what it was so you will be happy" as I was frustrated at being told I was not being truthful when I was. I really can not tell you if I bought and hid magazines 20+ years ago from a girlfriend who was not worried about nudity and even pushed me to go to a miss nude comp to keep an eye on her sisters boyfriend. Also this is how addicted i was back then, we ended up leaving around half way through. I really cant remember, I do remember I did buying the magazines which were a weekly mag that had jokes and articles but also had nudity and home girls and guys, not hidden from public view type mags. These mags were also everywhere back then, at my work, in workshops, waiting rooms of car shops, most of my friends had them. So remembering if I was hiding something that was in plain view a lot I dont remember. I do know I didn't leave them just laying around and quite possibly didnt look at them while with my GF as that would not have been ok.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
  2. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Part 2
    Ok so for me being under attack is after 30 mins of being asked continuously the same question and being told very loudly "You cant just say you dont remember, why are you hiding this, why cant you remember, what's going on with you! Just tell me the truth! Stop lying to me and remember" I am sorry I can take this a few ties and can understand for her it is frustrating that I dont remember all details, I can only tell her what I can and anything else would be lying so what do I do? I do know this is my problem but seriously what do I do?
    So when I had this onslaught which was extremely loud, like I know all the neighbors could quite possibly hear so WTF am I supposed to do, just lie to her to keep the peace. No I wont do that, so what did I do, I did what I normally do, I went quiet and tried to remove myself from the onslaught, did this work no she was traumatised by my actions, I know this and I know it is my fault but still I didn't know how to fix. Continually defending myself because I have nothing else was not working and trying to reason with her in her state of anger was not working either. I know I could have handled the situation better, this instance escalated quite quickly though so I know I went into flight mode. Anyway just because I am being guarded and defensive in my opinion does not mean I am not in recovery, it means I am in my opinion being attacked and I am gaurding and defending myself because I have nothing else apart from lying to her which I wont do. I would rather have these long discussions and fight it out than lie, if I lie once all my hard work over the last 9 months is gone! I know it will be rough but once she realises all I am dong is saying what I do remember and telling her to the best I can at the moment how I feel she will get it! I just hope we make it and also i dont lie, it used to come too easily and I still have to slow down and pull myself up sometimes, even saying I was too busy to ring her, no that's not true I just didnt ring, I could have but didnt.
    Yes I think I have covered most of this earlier, there is nothing else to disclose, I just have to get this program working, I have just finished the Nofap Academy course and am just starting to do a Present moment course with my AP, goes over 10 weeks and we are starting doing the IA and MaO work starting tomorrow. Like I said I dont know what I dont know until I know it so after this work and what I have done and future work I am sure I have to start getting better at this sooner or later.

    Yes GW I did fucking say that to her as I am being honest and this is what I was feeling, did you read that, I was feeling this, not what I wanted to feel not what I want but I had these feeling so I told her. It fits with my recovery because I will not lie to her, she want to hear what I have to say so sometimes it's not all roses. Why would I mean my life of PMO, I did have a lot of other things in my life. Yes because it was not good the parts that I had to lie and deceive about but that was not all of it. I dont do anything now, work, home, work, shop, home. work, this is my life because of my life before. Does this mean I am not going to have feeings and thoughts for something better because sometimes I want to do more? Do I want to do more than just work on myself, do I find it hard, yes I do. Do I stop doing it because I have these feelings, no because I have committed to doing it and I will do it, does not mean I wont feel down about it sometimes. My wife asks why are you feeling down so I tell her.
    So now I have been honest to why I am feeling down as I was asked and then I get basically what you said, what you want to go back to PMO. NO I DONT!!!! Can I point this out any other way so you can get it. Yeah maybe I didnt handle quite so well being told to tell me your feelings then being told my feelings are wrong basically. I do not always communicate as well as I would like as I will normally hold back and it is not understood as I meant it. Thanks for the how to handle these, we do need to get better at discussing things, I know I do.
    Yes my wife is right it was how I always felt which is why I didnt want to say it again, even if it was just thoughts that I was accepting and then letting go, I try to tell her all my thoughts, some I know I forget as I hear them, accept them then let them go. Most I dont want to remember anyway. Does this mean i am lying if I forget? My life sometimes is constantly trying to defend myself, it gets to you after a while so yes emotions come in and things go south. We mostly can discuss without issues and my wife is understanding that these are just random thoughts I have and not how i think. She I know still gets a bit triggered by some though so it is difficult for her and i do need to be more understanding of this. It has just been difficult due to going from being pretty much no emotions to high and low emotions all over the place, mostly low unfortunately in the last few months. I do try!
    Well to give you some context, I was out for over 3 hours after driving over 200Km to go and get a car for my daughter. The night before I had made up the shopping list as I would normally do this in the morning, I shop for the whole week, takes around 3 hours by the time its all done and everything is put away. Now I dont want to be getting into any big discussion that could possibly with my wife go for hours and be leaving more drained than I was before going shopping. She knows I like to get this done and then I have to get dinner ready. Yeah can already hear the but you should have just talked to her and listened to her etc.. Like if I did shopping would never get done any weekend. I need to have this set routine and also the later I leave it there is chance they run out of things, I know because I have done this and had to go back during the week, something we dont like to do. So it is easy to say ON THIS OCCASION, but this is not a one of, these things although dont happen as often now do happen regularly. So I either discuss with m wife every time she wants to or I get things done. So I dont care or want to hear that as yes in a perfect world which we dont live in this should happen but I live in the world I am in.
    I am at a loss too as all I do is recovery work it feel like it any way. I know I dont as I have other things to do and I do watch a movie once a week and some TV show every now and then. There is no why now! I didnt ask for or even mention wanting sex on my 90 days, I had said I was not really that worried about sex as I had come to the realisation it is not really needed but something we will do when we connect again. I even agreed to not sleep in the same room as I was having objectifying thoughts after the 90 days and didn't want to use my wife just to get off. I don't want to do this alone, my wife is my biggest and best support and helps me more than I could hope for. We both though need to do our work on ourselves but at the same time need to work on our relationship.
    Yes this is what I find happens, my wife does not agree though. I will go quiet let her have her rants, yell at me, make me sleep in another room etc.. then when she has calmed down we can talk, any sooner it just in my opinion does not work. I know this statement out of all I have said is going to get me in trouble but I am only telling my truth. She would like to think she can discuss things when she is still mad but it is not usually in my experience a good idea.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
  3. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I have just started to do my Intimacy Anorexia IA work. So onto Day 3, exercise 3 The first 2 are just about owning and understanding I am an IA and it is all on me. The 3rd question is a little more difficult to think about. It is basically asking why I think I am an IA So there is 4 factors, Sexual Trauma, none that I can remember. Then sexual addiction which is obvious as I am here, I also have to own that I also have attachment from my cross gender parent and also poor role modeling from my parents. I know my mum really tried, she was always there and would always talk if I wanted to. I just don't really remember talking to her in any real depth, I stayed with my dad on weekends sometimes but he worked shifts and was either not there a lot or asleep. He also did try also but was not ever really there for me. He had a new family as well, he ended up getting remarried when I was 17. I was not really close to my family, left home at 18 and never went back except to visit of cause but not to live with them. We still don't talk much, maybe a few times a year. It was a hard upbringing but easier than some on here so I don't really have much to complain about as no-one ever abused me mentally, physically or sexually. I was just left to do what I wanted from about 13 so became very self sufficient.
     
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  4. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Kenzi I suppose I was never alone per se but by there being so many people around I was lonely. So from about 13 when I say I fended for myself my mum had borders in the house to help pay the mortgage. So there was my mum, 2 older brothers and my other brother who is 8 years younger. Then there was usually a border, the house was only small, only one toilet and bathroom as well. I ended up making a room up in the shed outside. It was a large shed and was insulated, had power and water so was like a granny flat. I was much happier out there and people left me alone. Was always so busy in the house with my brothers friends or girlfriends. My mum also had her boyfriends, most were drunks so more like drinking buddies. Yes so when I think about it, there was a lot of disruption and trying to do school work and work as I also had jobs from 13 on, sometimes doing 2 before or after school. It was the only way I could get money but gave me good work ethics. Life was good though, no-one ever hurt me in any way and I read a lot so was happy as far as I can remember, not sure if I was that scared from it but my childhood could have been better.
     
  5. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Was also thinking about what a few people on & off here saying how we treat our SO's. I realised I too focus too much on myself and her focus on me as well to help get clean and be a better person. So in doing this I am not focusing on her, I forget to even ask how her day was, how she is feeling, what's going on with her life, work, and recovery work. She does offer a lot of this without me asking but I should be asking as well. I should be listening and be there for her as much or more than she is for me. Anyway thanks everyone for your insights, sometimes you dont know where the lessons are going to come from. Some days I just get it and others it's like being in a dream and just moving through the day. Also need to spend more time and effort with my kids, I do try, I make dinner every night and we mostly sit together to eat. The kids are always coming and going showing me things and joking around. I find there is not a lot of deep talk but they know I will always be there for them no matter what. I still do need to get deeper with them and connect more, it's a work in progress, I am better than my parents were but not as good as I could be. So this IA work is also for them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
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  6. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @GhostWriter that means a lot to me coming from you, respect brother!
     
  7. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I have started to do IA work and have recently been discussing Empathy, whats that, as an IA and PA it is unheard of. This has been difficult subject for me as I know from what I was just writing about when I was a kid I didnt need empathy, being a loner I didnt need to worry how others felt and for the most part they didnt worry how I felt. It wasn't like no one talked to me or I was left completely alone. I went to school and was home most of the time, though was from memory I was hardly ever asked how I was going. So apart from school reports, which were always ok as I was always good at school, got good grades even though I never did homework. I was not ever pushed or told to and had better things to do so why would I. So no one worried about me so long as I was doing well. So growing up like that it is no wonder I became a bit of a loner and was in my head a lot and dont talk and discuss much now. I am now trying very hard to express myself more and to feel and discuss my emotions and feelings more. This work on myself is very important to also recover from P addiction because if I stayed an IA i would still be in my head and would possibly go back to addiction. If I couldn't talk and discuss my feelings and emotions and also if I didnt get how much I have hurt my SO why would I not. So I need to heal this part of me to care, if I dont care then I could just slip back into P so need to have empathy.
     
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  8. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Sorry I am just going to spill out how I am feeling again. I cant keep bottling this shit up so get ready for a ride as it is just coming out as I feel it.

    @GhostWriter I appreciate all your saying and I know I don't as yet handle these situations as well as I could. @HonestyMatters is right in what she says, that is her thoughts and feelings on what went down. For me I had opened up and told her as she asks to tell her how I am feeling and for her to respect these as feelings as they are just feelings and thoughts. Not what I want to do or have done anything wrong. When I get challenged on having these feelings, which only happened as I was very tired stressed and was fighting to get through the day. I was weakened and I felt that at that point I could have looked at P if it was put in front of me basically not that I would look for it of seek it out or even wanted to look at it. I said it was like when I was sick and the topless girl came on TV, instead of turning off straight away I looked for 10 or so seconds, I know if I was feeling ok this would not have happened. So I know in a weakened state I have to be more careful. This is what I explained to her. So when she said to me the next day I needed to do more work on myself regarding this because I might slip I said I am already doing IA work, doing present process book with AP have a workbook for voyeur issues to do and am trying to focus on getting these done as well as listening to Podcasts, and reading posts etc.. I was saying I don't think I will have an issue, I know my triggers and what to do. I walk, talk or read and this works for me, being tired I didn't want to do these so this is why I feel I felt that way. I could if it happens again just leave work if I felt I could not handle it. I do enough OT so they never mind if I leave early sometimes. Anyway my wife kept at me and so I said it is making me feel like I am not doing enough, which in recovery doing it all is still not enough, we can always do more which then I said so it is making me feel "I am not enough", one of a few time I went deep into my feelings and told her. This I thought was good for me to feel these feelings and let her know. So what I get back is "I don't care how you feel" She says she doesn't need to worry about how I feel, I am the one who should just be understanding her feelings. I am shattered and say "cant you at least validate my feelings before completely just ignoring them".

    I am trying to understand her feelings and I do try, I am still not there totally and do try to have empathy but this is one of my IA issues which is why I am doing this work. So I say I understand how she feels, I just dont see how putting more effort in so I would not have the time to do what I have already committed to. Now this is another issue, she is always saying it is her that was telling me what to do, I took it on to myself to join the IA group, I decided to do the present work with my AP. I felt she felt she was not in control and was just trying to get me back into work she wanted me to do. I can now totally understand this from her, she can be very controlling. I unfortunately didn't think of this straight away.

    Before starting work she started at me again on it and I said all I want is for you to understand how you were making me feel when you kept at me about doing more work. I said I understand you, I just need you to understand me as well. I just got "I don't care how you feel" So I said "Yes I know which is why I possibly don't ever tell you how I feel" then just left as I was very upset. This I can see is totally IA blaming and I need to understand her feelings to understand why she said and felt like this. I really should not open my mouth when pissed off. When I get 5 mins alone without her constantly yelling at me I can think straighter.

    Tonight I got yelled at again because I looked at what the guys at work had in regards to movies. I had said I would look to see what they have so I might get later but would not take any as a punishment for forgetting to tell her about some I had taken early last month but forgot to tell her. I told her I had done this and taken screen shots of the movies they had and a word document from another guy. What was strange was I was only just telling her about Bud Spencer & Terence Hill movies on the weekend and the 2 guys at work had 3 of these movies between them. This happens to me a lot, I might be psychic ;-) anyway so this as she is already angry starts on at me about "The whole taking movies thing" and I totally understand her feelings on this. The only reason I still do it is I cant watch movies on my laptop through the internet like she can so all movies need to be watched off a hard drive. I check every movie on IMDB to make sure there is no sex scenes, nudity, sexual content etc.. also she can see every thing I download so cant take something without her knowing. I like action and comedy mainly and most I like don't normally have any sexual content. The main issue for her is out of over 500 movies I have gotten I did get a few P movies (was a one time thing not some here or there but it did happen) and some with nudity, just normal movies but had nudity in them. So I do know this triggers her and we have discussed and I thought we had it sorted. So now the agreements off the table as she is angry with me about the feelings issue, or just the movies, hard to know. I said I just want to be able to watch something, anything because unless we both watch it on your computer I cant watch anything, she also doesn't like action or some of the comedy's I do. She watches about 50 different TV shows (a little exaggeration but it is a lot) some are ok so I watch with her but doctor shows, damn there is a lot of doctor TV shows, seen one seen too many! I am currently watching Fear the Walking Dead while she watches her doctors, Luke Cage or Arrow etc I think I know why she wanted me to grow some stubble now, I mentioned this too her but she said NO! Sorry sidetracked, so I really don't mind not getting movies as long as I have some choice in watching what I want every now and again, I currently only watch a movie every 2 weeks or so by myself so I don't think it's a big ask. We do watch some movies together, sometimes trying to decide on what to watch together can take longer than the movie is.

    So I don't want to come off as poor me, all I want is some give and take and understanding. I know I have done the wrong thing and I am the addict, she also has her issues as well, all I ask of her is not to yell and scream at me constantly when upset, I find it very difficult to communicate like this and I just shut down as it doesn't matter what I say unless I totally submit to her every demand. So if I dont she yells more and I cant deal with it. I only need to say one wrong thing and I cop it then i can't get a word in and so just get pissed off so say stuff I don't really mean as I am not thinking straight. Again I am just in my IA and blaming and if I handled things better it may not happen, I am still learning, she just seems to want me fixed and perfect now! If I dont handle things as Doug says or if I say something and someone more sober than me is doing something different then why am I not doing that or saying that etc.. It's like I need to be an A+ student of this and either remember everything or I get the cane. Please go hard on me and let me know what you think of all this and maybe what I should do. I know I need to do more work and I am trying, tonight has been a total waste and now it's over an hour after I would normally sleep so will be tired tomorrow so will be challenging again.
     
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  9. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    so what is your work schedule? I'm just curious if its different then here in the states. like over here we have a 40hr work week and anything over that is OT.

    To the point of your really long journal. it really just sounds like you two want the same thing and that is to be understood. I know I've been in the same boat with kenzi a few times. she'd get mad and say I wasnt listening and I'd get mad and say these are my feelings and you're not validating them. that's the nice way, what we actually said was a lot more angry and less articulate. this is one of those hurdles of being an PA and an IA. it's going to take a while to figure out. feeling all these new emotions, trying to understand them, and wanting them to be validated is a challenge. I have confidence that you'll be able to figure it out though.

    now my advice on it is.... from what it sounds like is she wants you to see the things that are causing her to trigger (hurt her), consider how she is feeling, and then change your behavior so her feelings aren't hurt. it's like the situation with the movies. she feels like you aren't listening to her about your decisions with the movies is hurting her feelings. shes not saying you cant watch movies, all shes saying is that she is scared. because of your betrayal she just can not trust you. it's just the hard truth of the matter. so when you get movies from your friends at work and she doesn't know what movies they are, what the covers look like, what the movies are about, until you decide to either download them or show her what youre looking at. it make her nervous and then she get anxious and then she gets scared that you're going to hurt her, then it comes out in anger and yelling. it took me a long time to figure it out but the best thing I can tell you is that your feelings aren't wrong. you are right to be upset and hurt at her anger towards you, but she is also right in her anger because you are the one who hurt her with you untrustworthy behaviors. so the next time you think about doing something just think first, how does honestymatters feel.
    hope that makes sense and isnt to confusing. good luck.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
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  10. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys, I know I need to stay calmer and try to talk, I know she is hurting and I need to understand her, it is just the raging starts very sudden and I have never been able to calm her down from this state. I do understand her pain and trauma and do answer her honestly, this is the issue she doesn't like my honest answers. So she says I need to do more work, so I honestly say yes I am doing IA which at the moment is more important to me as this is where all this stems from. I also want to do the present moment work as well as this also with fantasy and thinking in the future and past is causing issues. Yes I need to do more about P addiction it's all important.

    My work is 38 hours, I am on salary so OT is not paid, we do what is required to get things done. At the moment we are running on half the team so very busy. So when I do extra work go in early leave a bit late it's not calculated but if I need to do things thought the day or leave early there is no issue. I also have work phone and laptop and can realistically work from anywhere as long as I have Wifi so can work from home.
     
  11. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I am onto Exercise 9, Blame Characteristics. This as you may be able to tell is possibly my worst IA issue. So I missed last night as I had to learn the hard way again about how to deal with my wife's trauma and pain and how I should handle it. I can not remember a time I have quickly said yes I am at fault or I am responsible for that etc.. I do but usually after much though and deliberation or being told or come to realise from discussions afterwords. It's like I am a slow learner, I hope I get better at this soon. So I had to list a few reasons how and why I blame my wife for things. Ended up being a long list and one I could see was not good and mostly was in my head not actual.

    So a few from recent events are;

    - For not telling her my feelings because she doesn't want to know them anyway and doesn't validate how I feel.
    - For not being able to communicate with her because she yells at me so I stop talking and hide in myself.
    - Blame her for my circumstances in life as she puts me down and is being nasty to me so I shut down and don't function effectively.
    - Blame her for for me shutting down because when she attacks me I don't want to communicate with her.
    - Blamed her for us not being able to discuss things because of how she reacts when I tell her things.
    - Blamed her for having a go at me and attacking me when I tell her my thoughts.

    Yes a lot of blaming going on, I need to get this under control. I have recognised it before and I know I do it, just can't seem to stop myself in the moment. Anyway this is why I am doing the IA course to get this under control.
     
  12. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @GhostWriter
    This is something I really need to work on, I do not handle this very well, but I will get there. The schedule reminds me of what I say to my boss when he asks me to do something new, I say what do you want me not to do to make this happen. I don't have a schedule as kids can muck that up, sometimes I am like a taxi, getting better now 2 of them have their licence and one has a car now.
     
  13. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    So from doing my IA work I was to do what do I praise my wife for. Yes I do say the normal, your looking good, house look tidy/clean, great job etc.. all external praising. So on thinking of what I don't praise enough is all she does for m, us and the family. so I realised there is so much more she does and more than I have thought of tonight.

    Praise her for just putting up with me.
    For being a great wife to me and mother to our kids.
    For just being there for me and helping me with my problems.
    For trying so hard to make our marriage work.
    For looking after the house and finances.
    For giving me more chance than i deserve.
    For being intelligent & wonderful
    for being a basically good person
    for her communication skills and patience.
    For all her knowledge and learning she has done on P addiction and IA
    For just staying with me.

    I was talking to her earlier as well doing my nightly check in and told her of my thoughts during the day. So I was thinking of our last few arguments where I was right of cause, typical IA blaming and lack of empathy more like it. After I think back and see the hurt and pain my words cause her I can understand why we have argued. Unfortunately it can be days and a few kicks up the arse by some people for me to realise my faults and how I react to the conversation rather than respond. I came to the realisation that I need to listen very carefully to what is said and to have the empathy to know what she would be feeling, the hurt and pain I could have caused and the fear she may have from my words. I said I would commit to do this in future conversations and would write this to show my commitment. I now just have to remember to follow through with it.
     
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  14. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I have 3 more characteristics I have done since last post. Possibly the easiest ones for me to do but then the hardest because I had to really go deep to make sure I was thinking about this right so also discussed with my partner. Having IA does not mean we have all the characteristic traits of IA, some is enough to call yourself an IA. Sex for us is not an issue at all, we both initiate, we both really enjoy, we are both into each other physically and even on emotional level regarding sex. I know I could just jump on wriggle it about a bit and cum and be happy, leaving her totally frustrated. I make sure that when we get sexual that I am totally engaged, focused on her pleasure as I will enjoy no matter what anyway so making her happy is my focus. Then when finished I will basically start initiating the next session by talking to her, snuggling, stroking, giving her attention, letting her know how great it was etc.. When we are together through the day I am attentive in this way as well, too much some times as I can sexualise her and it get a bit much for her. I am learning to back off and be attentive without being sexual, so over sexual is more an issue for me.

    Spiritual characteristic, this is difficult one not because we don't have a spiritual connection but because we both don't believe there is "some magical sky daddy" as I like to say to overly religious people who try to push their beliefs on me. I really don't care what anyone else believes as long as they can respect mine to not believe and not to try to tell me what I should believe. I don't like organised religion or have any religious beliefs but have no issue with anyone who does. I do believe we should be awesome to each other, and not hurt anyone intentionally. Be good people have morals etc.. My beliefs are more about the energy in the world and having a belief in just being the best you can be. So its not like we pray every night or go to church on the weekends or do anything on a regular basis. We do though have similar beliefs, some differing but mostly the same and do discuss different ideas irregularly. I don't feel I have ever tried to stop or hinder these discussions and am usually quite open to any ideas. If they resonate with me and I can see some merit I will look into it and maybe take some of it on. I have read the bible when younger, had some experience with the Mormons have read some Buddhism, looked into and read about other religions. So what I have from all this is there is millions of gods, but most religions believe theirs is the only one, their god or entity/ies is or are the only one/s. Sorry if any offense, none meant just my thoughts on the matter.

    Feeling Characteristics, this is one I do struggle with. My answer today is a lot better than it would have been a year ago. I am already heaps better but no where near ok with this. We do now talk and discuss my feelings daily and I am trying to remember most day to ask my wife about hers. I am also looking deeper and analysing my feelings a lot more than I have ever done. I do not share with anyone else though, my kids a little bit more but dont really have any close friends I would discuss feelings with. The biggest issue I have is with my feelings with myself. Trying to bring the feeling to the surface, to actually analyse and understand what it is I am feeling, to go deeper and really understand. I have put down 7 (possibly too high but I feel this) as the answer for myself and spouse as I tell her exactly what I am feeling as best I can explain it. The thing I find hardest is I have always been a happy, laid back easy going nothing worries me too much sort of guy. Now I am feeling more uptight, angry, upset, sad, emotionally worn out and feel really bad about what my wife feels and the trauma she is going through. So in one way it is heaps worse for me to be living in feelings than in denial. It is better now that I can see the harm I have done and do. Being in no or little feelings was a lot more relaxing, easier, and less painful but it was not living, it was just existing.
     
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  15. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    So have had a rough few days with youngest boy. He has been playing up and has been I think crying out for attention. I sat with him yesterday after he got caught out doing something really bad. I sat there while he was raging and threatening to run away and that his life was over and just basically losing it. Instead of getting angry with him I kept asking him what was really going on, what was he feeling, why was he feeling like this. Ended up talking with him for hours and he admitted to having a problem and opened up and owned it. Said he needed help and was really upset because he thought we would just be angry at him and punish him. I said if he is honest and really open to us we will not be upset rather happy that he has come to talk to us. I ended up looking up some worksheets he could do for starters. Because of his acting up he is also in trouble at school and on a monitoring system. He told us how he went with this and that he was trying to get good points so he would be off the monitoring which was good. We had seen a text to a mate saying he was going to keep acting up so he could get a suspension. He also sat with me for an hour today and talked and we found a good book and downloaded it, was from a site my wife had found for me only a few days ago, some things are meant to be. We read it for about an hour together then I had to get dinner ready so told him to keep reading which he did. Normally getting him to sit still for more than 10 mins is a struggle. I really hope I can get through to him. I have let my kids down with this addiction and not been there for them as I should have been. I will keep on him and work with him until he sorts himself out. I know not that long ago would have possibly just told him to go to his room, taken all his stuff and grounded him and left it at that. Glad I am finally seeing what is right and what needs to be done. I also know it is going to be a struggle to handle this as well as everything else I'm doing but I wont let him down.
     
  16. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Have been doing a lot of Intimacy Anorexia work and reading lately. First book I am doing with my AP is great and would recommend for anyone to do for any reason, just do it. It is The Present Process by Michael Brown. I am just about to start the 10 week course part of the book so will over the next few weeks update on this. While waiting for my AP partner to catch up I have read Leadership & Self Deception_Getting out of the Box by the Airbinger Institute, it is a business book but relates so well to everyone and our relationship with everyone else. I am currently also reading their next book, The Anatomy of Peace_Resolving the Heart of Conflict, this book reinforces the first one, it is great as well and I have related so much to them both. So have been learning to respond to and be present and also be out of the box. It is a difficult process when I also have the IA issues which seem to be my fallback way of being. So have still a long way to go here but I am improving.

    I have been really good with my P addiction though with very few thoughts and no urges, I do keep myself busy though and do hope when I am put in a situation where I could slip I can handle it. I have been improving with my feelings as well, feeling a lot better in myself and have not even been sexualising my wife, this was an issue which I realised I was using her like P so have stopped and if I start feeling like I am doing this I remove myself from her. This last few months has been a real test as well, possibly the most stressful working environment I have had in years and nothing, no urges at work, the worst I have done is look at FB for too long, realised and my wife said as well why are you doing this, I sort of was just zoning out looking at funny posts and videos. I had in the past looked for P like photos or profiles, I only have family and friends posts I look at now but when I look I start looking at other posts and car videos, dash cam videos, funny compilations etc.. anyway decided this was not going anywhere and could lead to looking at something so have stopped.
     
  17. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Doing my IA work and I had to organise to make a call, I was terrified as I had no-one locally I could think of that would know of my issues and what to say to them. My IA group online are all in other countries but I put it out there to one of them even though these are IA issues, rejection and initiating contact. Well all was great, we made a connection and a way to make it work so all is good in the world, it did not fall apart and I had nothing to fear. Then tonight I had to do the same with my SO, I had to initiate my first 3 dailies, 2 feelings, one present and one in the past, no problem just choose from a list of hundreds of feelings and do it. Damn why is this so hard. I got through it and managed to give my wife 2 praises and we were supposed to pray but instead did a positive future thought. I now have to do this every night as well as my 5 C's, these are even harder as I need to as above make a call every day to a another IA and discuss our IA issues, major one being we dont want to talk and discuss our issues let alone make a call being IA sucks. I will do it as I want to get through this and get out of my IA behaviours and like P addiction that means getting out of my comfort zone and doing what is uncomfortable. The reading part is ok, I love to read. Doing praises are easy as well, I used to do one every day for P so easily say one every day and night.
     
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  18. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    So all has been great on the home front, doing the IA work has been the best work for me. It is I think the reason I looked at P, I was distant and alone and had no connection with my wife. I think I was looking for this connection with P instead of having connection with her. I have made some big realisations as I have been going through the workbook and discussing with my IA group and IA call partner. Things have just sort of clicked and are now making sense to why I was like I was. I always just thought "This is just the way I am, just my being" how wrong I have been. I now understand there is a lot more to me and our relationship than I ever thought possible. There has been so much missed time and connection. I can only try my best to make amends and be there for my SO and make her happy.

    I also am just starting to do Present Process work which I think is important to get back to the present and stop living in the past and future, worrying about what has or might happen, rather just live in the now.

    We also are just about to start reading a book together on connecting, Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. We ae reading this as soon as I finish here , so got to go.
     
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  19. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Wow been a while since I posted on my journal, 3 months goes fast! I was just advised by my SO that it was a also year ago since my last DD. Not a day I ever want to relive, my heartbroken SO and me for her. The shame and realisation of that I really do have a problem that I need to seriously fix. I realised it had to be for me and if not I would not make it. So i have focused on repairing me for me. My SO of cause gets the benefit of this as well. The bonus is that when we have fights and disagreements I dont go back to P for comfort, I actually put more effort in or self reflect. So over the last 12 months I have done the 90 days hard mode and the work involved in this. I have also and am still doing mindfulness, breathing, Intimacy Anorexia work and the Hold me Tight book with my SO. I am still a long way off of ever saying I am recovered but in the past year have come a long way. This website and the highly supportive people on here has been a huge help to me and my SO. Thanks especially to my IA group and support person, and a special thanks to the hardest bastard wh was here when I needed him @GhostWriter who did not give up on me and made me realise the hard way the errors I was making. He supported my SO and helped her understand what needed to be done to get me on track. I think without his and all the other support my SO got here it may have been a much sadder 12 months. Here's to the next year and for ever!
     
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