Gaining more everyday! My Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Br1 R1, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I am back writing on here, I have been feeling very negative and down the last week so have not wanted to post on here with my negative thoughts. I have not PMO except for a nocturnal emission, first one I can remember since I was a teenager so well into the last century or at least over 30 years ago. Felt good to have the release as I had been suffering with blue balls and was feeling constant pressure and aching. I knew it would pass but it was annoying. Another strange thing that has happened since no PMO is when I pee I have a couple of times had the head of my P get enlarged while peeing but not the shaft, It goes down as soon as I stop peeing. It looks very strange as it looks huge and is firm. I know not to touch it as I did this over a month ago and got carried away as it is very sensitive. Anyway anyone else have this happened to them. Also noticing morning wood is much harder than normal but goes down quickly as well.

    I signed up last week for reboot camp but have not actually fully started as yet, done all the pre-work and watched and read a lot of the forward information. Have been also reading a lot of journals on here and can see a trend which is most of us PA's suffer some degree of intimacy anorexia - thanks @Rock_Star for the link, I have been wanting something like this to look into. https://www.drdougweiss.com/what-is-intimacy-anorexia/
     
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  2. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Another leave of absence, just seem to get through reading posts here, looking at links to other sites and reading and doing course exercises that I don't get time to write on my journal. I am going to make more effort even if its just a few lines.

    I did my circle work a week ago, still have to add more to it as I think more deeply about the different parts of the circles and what goes where. I can say it was not as much fun as the circle work I used to do as a young hoon! Those were the days, drag racing was my life back then, now I drive a mini van :-( (drive it like a race car though)

    Anyway back to what I have been up to. Have finally started the NoFap 90 day hard mode course, think it was harder for my wife than me to finally start. I am committed to doing this and are going to do the modules slowly and try to get the most out of them. Have started a journal page on there and anyone on there I use the same user name. Say hi if you want as it is lonely over there, not nearly as many people as on here. I have been going really well with my thoughts and urges, have a few but not nearly as bad as I would expect this far in, been over 60 days P free. I think the main thing is I don't think about not thinking about it, the irony is the only time I do think about it is on here when I am talking about not thinking about it! I do gain a lot of inspiration from the people on here who have been P free for a long time, so thank you all for staying and continuing to write your journals, make it easier to know others can do it so I know I can. I am also feeling great and have much clearer thoughts, some days have brain fog but mostly I am feeling much better. I know I am going to go through some rough times with hard mode as I get blue balls. I also know the benefits at the end will be worth it so I will be concentrating on the end goal not the feelings of pressure which will go away.
     
  3. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Have done some more work on my course and we did FANOS tonight and had a cuddle for a while. Cant write much as need to spend some more time together, just writing quickly while W is getting ready to watch This is us. Feeling ok today, no urges or thoughts. I do have a sore back, might have been all the heavy lifting on the weekend. I do have to get back into shape, even though round is a shape, LOL I am no where near fat, usually called skinny by most but my wife keeps on to me as I am carrying a few extra kilo's or pounds mostly on my belly. Being tall has a lot of advantage there as it does not show as much. Over the last 8 years I have not exercised that much so do need to get back into harder routine like I used to. Was going really well until I needed to stop so I could spend more time to rebuild the house when we nearly lost it to termites. That's the past now and house is in shape now so time for me to get there too.
     
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    FANOS and Dr Weiss videos were literally what I think saved my marriage. Keep at it . And be HONEST . There is no point in FANOS if you aren’t BOTH honest with your feelings. She will have more to say than you and that’s normal and ok . I’m going to post a couple things here because they helped us so much . Is that ok ?
     
  5. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    @Qnb42078 yes I do try to be honest and to really feel what I want to say not what I think I should or what I think she wants me to say. I have in the past done this a lot to try to appease her and also protect myself. No more of that, if she can handle my truth then that's what she gets. She just cant handle my humour as I do like to joke and make light of things, especially when under pressure. Need to pull myself up sometimes as I don't mean it as uncaring or that any of this is a joke, it is just one of my coping mechanisms which she hates. Yes please post and comment all you feel or want to. I appreciate all feedback, positive or constructive negative as it all helps. Your posts and other SOs on here have helped me and my W so much. I have looked at some of the Dr Weiss videos and do want to watch the Heal her series. Any links or article you have found useful please send as well - thanks

    I also hope you are going well on your journey of healing, sounds like things are improving and getting better in your life as well. I do really feel for all the SO's on here you are all so wonderful people to stick by and to help each other, I know my wife appreciates you and the others she communicates with. Also of cause the PA's on here are inspirational and I am learning new things about myself every day, really could not have gotten this far without everyone on here's help and support to the both of us.
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Remember -
    honest isn't honest if you are translucent and not transparent.
    Transparency is honesty
    Translucency is still in a fog of Lies.
     
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  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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  8. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Had a good day today, started with a walk then I was working from home as I had to stay home to meet someone. I think I prefer it to being in an open office, so much quieter and calm. I always feel people are watching what you are doing, I know there not as I don't, we just do what's required and yell at each other every now and then. I do have a great workplace, not one person I could say I don't like which is unusual. Some annoy me sometimes and I am sure I annoy some of them as well, everyone is supportive and easy going, everyone helps everyone else, no one trying to climb over anyone for promotions or brown nosing. I ended up going in at lunch time as I had a meeting, got there spoke to the boss then got ready for meeting, had the meeting then did some work from that and next thing it was time to go home. Wish every day was like that.
    I had a small fantasy though while at work. Not sure why but my back has been hurting and I have like a pimple on there. For some reason I started to think about someone wanting to squeeze it, sounds silly but there are people who love to do this, anyway an unknown girl was doing this in my thoughts then I started to think of her rubbing herself on my back with her bare breasts. I though WTF and stopped the thought straight away. I am not sure where that came from but will try to analyse it. It may have been from when I was young and girls that were friends would do this, not the rubbing bit but maybe I thought about this back then. I don't know but it freaked me out a bit as I have been doing so well with my thoughts and urges.
    Talking about work I used to have a spot away from others, this made it easy to watch P sometimes as my monitors were facing away from everyone. I have moved now so my monitors are in full view of a few people and anyone walking around so it make me fell better that even if I felt like it I could not look at anything now anyway.
    W showed me a book we downloaded and printed years ago, possibly more than 5 years ago and it has been sitting around since then. We looked at it a few time but never seriously. Now we have been recommended it again on here - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Will have to start working through it now.
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We just started this book ! It’s a little slow at first but gets better
     
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  10. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I have just reset my counter, last night I looked at P for a small time but much worse I lied to my SO about it.

    I had left work early as I had a sore throat and was generally feeling down. Got home and laid down and watched a movie then went to sleep. Was woken to be asked if I wanted something to eat, I said yes so thought it best to sit up and not go back to sleep. I started to play a game on my phone and could hear my wife and kids talking and the TV was on and could hear laughing and carrying on. So I turned the TV on in bedroom to watch what they were watching, I could not find the show they were on so ended up watching The Office.

    It ended so I thought I would see what else was on, I got to a station that had a girl being body painted by a guy, this was one of my genres I would look at, don't know why just was, and seems still is as I ended up watching it for around 10 - 20 secs I think as he painted her bare breasts.

    I did not get turned on nor did it make me want to go looking for other P related items. I don't know why I didn't just change the channel again as I have done this in the past if I change to a channel with anything that looks like sex scene or nudity related. Have also been checking ratings on shows to make sure nothing in them before watching. This totally blindsided me, and no excuse I was not well and was sleepy but still should have been ready and aware of this and stopped before watching for so long, more than 1 or 2 secs is too long for me.

    Now the worst part is when I did stop my stupid porn addicted brain started to tell me it was ok as I did not look for it, it was by accident, I did not get turned on and I didn't trigger nor start to look for other P related items. Then my wife called me for tea and I panicked and my brain was telling me to not say anything as it was not that bad, you didn't mean it, it wasn't your fault etc.. I ate quietly then went back to bed, my wife came in and asked to do our nightly check in. I didn't know what to do, I must not lie but how do I tell her, I have a 24 hour agreement to disclose anything like this. I will think about this and disclose later so I lied to her and she knew it! I ended up telling her and was so ashamed of lying to her as I have said to her, myself all of you on Nofap I would never do this again. I owned it and let her rage at me and yes admitted to exactly what I was a liar as this was a lot worse than the looking at topless girl and I knew it. I have talked to her and again have said how sorry I am a liar and I did this and again I have to say I will not do it again. I don't know why I had so much trouble just saying what happened, I guess I am still just weak and shammed at my actions. I need to get control of my mind as I knew from the instant I didn't change the channel that I was doing the wrong thing and I would need to disclose it to her. I am taking this as a learning that no matter what I have to be ready for this to happen at anytime and I have to be ready for it with a plan on tackling this or not even getting in this situation in the first place.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2018
  11. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Yep I am one dumb arse! Yeah and I gave it to myself, the lost trust and the trauma I have caused my wife is unforgivable but I will show her that I can do this. I skipped forward in my course to where it explains what to do when you relapse and yes you are right the main thing is I need to learn from it. So I will be extra cautious about turning TV on when wife is not around and not go surfing, this is the issue, I should pick a channel that is safe and stay there or get a bloody TV guide so I know whats on. Anyway it happened I stuffed up, I owned it and will learn from it, not long ago I may have tried to deny it was that bad so I know I have come a long way.
     
  12. I’m a little confused as to what you did. You started watching the Office and then what happened? It was P on TV? Did you M to it? Get turned on? Have sexual thoughts?
     
  13. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I changed channels to look for movie that was playing and stumbled on a Psub, a show with nudity. One of my boundaries set by my wife and agreed by me is to not be on any show with sex scenes or nudity. Instead of recognising this and moving on which is ok because it will happen but not to stay and watch, that was a violation of trust to my wife and it does not matter if I M to it or got aroused, had sexual thoughts et.. I should not have been there. That was not the bad part, as Ghostwriter said above, it was the blatant lie I told as I have been doing very well with my recovery and did not want to own up to it. I did but only after she recognised my guilt, not the best way to come clean, this is what it is mainly about, being honest, no lies, no deception!
     
  14. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    It ended so I thought I would see what else was on, I got to a station that had a girl being body painted by a guy, this was one of my genres I would look at, don't know why just was, and seems still is as I ended up watching it for around 10 - 20 secs I think as he painted her bare breasts.
    Sorry I realised you are new here, did you click on the SPOILER? These are put in place in case someone is triggered by reading about P related subject, I take it you did not read this.
     
  15. Yes! I did not read that. All makes sense. My partner has liked that type of stuff in the past before, too, so I would be upset as well. More upset about the lie—I agreee with that too.
     
  16. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, the worst thing you can do is lie. I think most SOs agree that the lying is the worst part of all of this. Hopefully you'll learn from this to avoid that in the future, especially if you ever want her to have some hope of trusting you again. Best of luck to you!
     
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  17. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Hello I am back, I have been slack and not written here. I could say it is because I have been busy doing my recovery work at NFA but really its just not wanting to. I have been reading posts on here and on the NFA site and really trying to get some perspective of what I have coming up in doing 90 days of no PMO at all. It is interesting to read some people struggle heaps and others nothing much at all. I am glad I am closer to the not much at all end. I don't have urges and very few thoughts, and the ones I do I can dismiss easily. The only real problem I have is blue balls. Bloody hell the constant ache can get to you if you let it. I massage in the morning and sometimes during the day and it really helps. If I start to think about it it gets worse so I try not to.

    Anyway I have been busy, had a great long weekend. Had a corporate day at a race day so had my first drink in months to be social, had to drive home so over the day only had 3. Also had to walk for about 30 mins then get a bus for 20 mins to get to my car so was well and truly sober by the time I drove. Was a great day even though I only knew 2 people there I was very comfortable in myself, normally I would retreat or wonder off rather than interact to much.

    The next day was our wedding anniversary, as I had a big day the day before I had fallen asleep very early and had not even written in my wife's card. I had started to write what I wanted on the computer but ended up getting up really early and finishing it off. I went out early and bought her some nice flowers and came home to wake her with a coffee and her presents. We then had a cuddle and opened our presents. We then went to the lake near us and had breakfast at a nice cafe overlooking the water. After breakfast we went to the beach for a while and relaxed. Then went home and just watched a movie and cuddled some more before getting ready to go for dinner. My wife organised this and picked such a lovely place, we were on the balcony overlooking the lake again. The waitress had held 2 spots for us as it was very windy earlier and outside may not have been very comfortable, even though they looked fully booked. She was very nice also saying when we said it was our 16th weeding anniversary that we didn't look old enough, at 50 that's fishing for a tip ;-) Just so you know In Australia we don't normally tip anywhere. Had a great time at dinner even if there was a big wait. It gave us time to do some Gottman open ended question cards. I can tell you this is not normally my thing at all and would normally shut down. I am really trying in this and making an effort even though it is out of my comfort zone. We ended up having a really great day and weekend.

    We are going camping in 2 weeks so decided to put one of our old tents up, we had not used it for over 10 years so wanted to make sure it was ok. This was so our oldest son and his girlfriend could use it. Then we had to fold it up and get it back in the bag. What a bloody mess that is, I said to my wife surely this is one of the reasons people get a divorce as we were struggling to work out what each other was trying to achieve. At lest we laughed about it instead of fighting. Now we just need to get through the organising of trip, my wife will do this from now 2 weeks out, myself the day before we go is heaps of time, this infuriates my wife, so I will make an effort to start organising at least 2 days before we go to keep the peace.
     
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  18. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Hello all, Happy New Year. Day 51 of hard mode, have been busy on NFA so have been missing my posts here. I still do my intention post most days just to give myself a boost for the day. I have had in the last 2 months about 3 weeks off work, a week of camping and nearly 2 weeks over xmas new year. I did not realise how hard it was for me at work for urges. When I am at home or with my family and just getting around I have very few urges or thoughts, go to work and it hits me hard. I find the more time I am away the harder it is. I know why it is. In the last few years I was really trying to give P and my wife had all sorts of things in place to keep me in line. Unfortunately I had access at work, not hard core stuff but safe sites, well you would think, like youtube, vimeo for videos, and some other sites for pictures that people use everyday but there is a lot of P on there. It is really worrying that it is so easy. Anyway I now have moved desk so my monitors are facing people and I have accountability software on my work computer. I would love to say I could have done it without this but I thought that last time and the urges won. I can say now at 51 days of no PMO that there is some hard times still to come but I have found it not so hard to stay clean. Sure there is moments but I have done a couple of 90 day no P and another 90 day no M before just not together and I have gone for well over a year of not looking at P at home other than some R rated stuff on TV a few months ago and which I did watch but never got excited or M to so am happy with my progress. So just another 40 days to go, I know I can do this now, I just have to get through the ups and downs of emotions and the triggering it has on my wife. She unfortunately suffers this addiction more than me, it's all my fault but I cant help her :-( I do try to be understanding and do all I can but I am male and I do make mistakes, non PMO related which triggers her and I don't always know what to do. I wish it would all just go away and we can just live normally again. I just have to work harder I guess and keep putting deposits in the trust account, maybe one day like our mortgage I will pay it off. Hope you all have a great year, I can feel it will be for me!
     
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  19. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Day 57 of hard mode and have been having issues with feeling down and defeated a lot. I know it is just a process and it will pass, I try to push through with out thinking about it too much as when I am close to my wife I feel great, cuddling and kissing her is the only time I feel alive. I really try not to think of her as a sexual thing to use rather someone that I love and just want to be near. She always smells so good and feels great, so I involuntarily get hard, even just standing hugging her. I have been trying to analysis this as I don't at any other time get hard except when I wake up but this is gone quickly once I wee. I am thinking it is just my body remembering that this affection, cuddling, kissing usually would lead to sex so it starts the process. I can say even though I am hard I am not thinking of having sex or even any sexual thoughts, just enjoying the connection. If I start to feel any sensation like arousal I pull away and tell my wife I need to stop. Doing hard mode is not easy, maybe another reason it is called hard mode.
    Anyway the hardest thing for me is the blue balls, they ache a lot and sometimes it is distracting. I just usually give them a little massage and its all good for a while. I have not used ice or taken medication as I don't like to take any drugs unless I really need to. At 50 I know a lot of people my age taking multiple pills for all sorts of things, especially heart, diabetes. I think of it like my P addiction, they are on these meds because they are overweight, get rid of the excess and the pills maybe wont be required. Do some work on yourself rather than just take a pill. Sorry this is just my perception and I know there are people that have legitimate issues but there is too many that just expect to take a pill to fix themselves rather than fixing the underlying problem.
    So this is where I am at, trying to fix my underlying problem. I think I need to feel more love and attention because maybe it was lacking in my childhood. I had a younger brother born when I was 8, my parents had tried for 8 years for this so when he came along I think I thought I was abandoned as I had all the attention being the baby then it was all gone. Also my dad left when I was about 12 and my mom had to take in borders to help pay the bills. Again I was abandoned because she needed to cook and look after more people. I left home at 18 due to not really feeling like I fitted there, always felt like an outsider at home. I also never had a close relationship with any of my immediate family. My mom passed away 10 years ago so no contact there but I do talk to my dad only a few times a year and have lost contact with my older brother as he has lost everything and is too proud to talk about it so we don't. Still talk with my other brothers, the younger has been on and off due to his issues, I am sure in the future we will be OK. He lived with me for a while but I had to ask him to leave when my current wife started to live with me and it was not a good arrangement. He had a lot of friends over all the time and was doing things I didn't agree to but would not change so I had to ask him to leave, so this caused a bit of tension for a while.
    My rant over, just spewing out some thoughs I was having and know I will get to the bottom of this one day with work and the love of my wife.
     
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  20. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Day 64 of hard mode and my longest streak so far! Have not posted last few days as I have been feeling down and just a bit defeated, not sure why things are ok at home and work is what it is, bloody frustrating. I am supposed to be in a new role since last year, my boss expects me to be doing it but there is no one to take on my old role, and person who was supposed to help me in new role left, health problems was the excuse. So my team of 6 is 4 at the moment and management is stalling on getting more people, targets not getting meet and they wonder why? Anyway it's work and I leave that there, I just don't like to write while I am feeling down, it comes out in my writing and I don't want to be all negative. So some good things are I am feeling better at the moment and have been having positive thoughts, I know I can get through this and at this point 90 days hard mode is going to be achieved. Too far in now to relapse. Am getting along with my wife and we are doing lots of work on ourselves and together. Still need to be more organised as I feel so tired when I get home and I like to sit outside for 30 mins, which feels unproductive but makes me feel so much better. I have low Vitamin D and after sitting in sun I feel like I have rejuvenated a bit but also feel sleepy. I then try to do some NFA or NF reading before starting making dinner. After we eat and clean up I really dont feel like doing more work but do try, if I watch videos of people talking , 5 mins in I am asleep, I just cant do it. I am trying again to start exercising, I find it best for me to do this in the morning, at this time of year much better as so much cooler, it has been in the 30's most days or for the non metric, over 90. This means getting to sleep earlier, so I find I don't have that many hours do do all I want to do. At least being this busy I have no time to think of P let alone spend any time looking at it. I cant imagine how I ever got the time before, I suppose this addiction made it a priority which is why my life is so much harder now. I know the time will come where all of this will be in the past and we will be closer more connected and happy with each other without having to be constantly working on ourselves. May be years in the future but we will get there!
     
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