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Gaining more everyday! My Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Br1 R1, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    “ having issues at home “
    We all have issues at home . Especially on here . Unless you are going through with a separation, then there is no feeling of “home” , consider yourself lucky , there are a lot on here who are split . If you want that feeling of home , the main ingredient is “togetherness” . That takes work , as a team . I suggest maybe doing FANOS a couple times a week . I journal whatever I want because my SO is not on here . It’s what I feel in the moment . If your SO is on here , I advise you to block each other’s journals , that way you can get the support you need without holding back . Maybe even to hear “ hey your right “ or even harder “ your not thinking right “
    Unless it’s a “lying , fluffing , going through the motions journal “ then there’s no point in journaling at all . But don’t make those decisions yet cuz you are new here ? You will learn a ton about your addiction and why you do the things you do , I also suggest reading some SO journaling to see what your SO is really going through . GOOD LUCK !
     
    Banjaxed and Deleted Account like this.
  2. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I think it can be helpful and healthy to get your thoughts down when angry - they are your thoughts and feelings after all and you are having them, and that alone makes them valid.

    Your journal should be your age space to write what you want. I se your SO as posted above but ignore that if you need to, this is for you not her, but in any event being intimate means letting her see all of you, good and bad.

    If you already think you might have to go back and change them later then writing them down can help you though that process.

    As for the 90 day course, again it sounds like there is no time like the present - what have you got to lose?
     
    Br1 R1 likes this.
  3. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Banjaxed, yes I would love to get my thoughts out. I know some people form opinions without knowing both sides of a story but I dont want to be reacting to what is said by my SO or others about her posts even if I dont agree or I dont think my my side of the story is told. It is her thoughts and her story, what she says is up to her and I will not judge, just try to understand her pain and what she is going through. That is the point of this journal and site.

    I unfortunately think that if I post what I think of a situation I may get backlash and I really dont want to do that as this forum is not about that. This forum should be about support, like your post which is much appreciated. This is only my thought and insecurity not what I believe will actually happen.

    I am not sure how I am going to handle this as I am passive and normally will do nothing, not the best attitude I know. What I do know is I am a good person and I dont ever want to hurt anyone, even though I have and I think all P addicts know they would do anything to take it back. I really do feel though that I cant just say what I want because of this and I have told her it is difficult for me to trust. I did also say it would be preferred for this reason if we didn't post on each others posts. What is done is done, I will need to work out what I do from here.

    I would love to just say what I want without fear of reprisal but actually have no way of doing this as everything is monitored, my choice as well so not a complaint or feeling hard done by, just the situation I am in. I do feel though that I need to express my feelings to someone other than my SO but as yet I have no outlet. I am feeling a lot more sensitive since giving up P & M and it affects how I react to situations. This is why I have not posted as I don't want to be emotion driven. I really need to just calm down, get through our issues and get back into it. I also know I need to stop thinking about what I want and think what is best for us both. I just have a big thick stubborn head and if I think I am right I will sacrifice myself for it.

    I don't want to start the 90 day course until we are all good and I can discuss it with my SO as it affects her as much as me. I do want to do it and feel I can easily (got to be positive) do it as I have done 90 days P free and 90 days M free, unfortunately not at the same time. I don't think I still have a big issue with either of these as I am currently over 3 months P free and nearly a month M free (Just reminded me to fix counter) I have seen some P sub's not by searching, mainly through my SO putting on shows that have nudity and sex scenes. None of these caused any trigger or urges, I am of cause as a male attracted to the female body but I didn't have sexual thoughts when I seen these. I was actually surprised as each time I was not expecting it and so was not ready but pleased it happened so I could see that I could and that I reacted as I should and looked away. I did slightly want to look back, not a huge urge but there was that feeling of missing out on something, will hopefully when I do the course be able explore this further.

    Anyway rant over, feel much better to have written this and thanks again for your support Banjaxed.
     
    Butterfly1988 and Trappist like this.
  4. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    I understand how you feel. There are SOs, and PAs in advanced stages of recovery, that can interject on journals in a manner that can appear hostile. This is an emotionally charged arena - nobody comes here to shoot the breeze - and everybody is in pain here. Nevertheless being told to “consider yourself lucky” can grate, no matter how true it may be.

    A few thoughts that might help:

    - this is just the internet. The sociology of internet chat rooms is fascinating to me, the tribalism that exists amongst regular members is the same as that IRL. If you are using this journal to persuade the internet that you are “right” then forget it. Some people will sympathise, some will shoot you down, but remember...

    - EVERYBODY wants to see you succeed. EVERYBODY wants to see you get well. EVERYBODY wants you to reach your true potential (as you understand that to be) and be happy. And EVERYBODY wants your marriage to recover and thrive. It’s like an interactive love story and WE LOVE IT!

    - please remember the above when reading feedback on your posts. We are all trying to help you, even if we don’t always do it in a way that resonates with you in that moment.

    - if something is said that makes you angry or defensive pause for a minute, ltake a deep breath and think Why? Why is that your reaction? Is it because it is so strikingly false? Is it because it touches a nerve of truth? Is that person misunderstanding you - and if so, can you understand why that might be, can you communicate more clearly (here and IRL).

    - the very act of writing the journal can help you process this stuff. The tone of my journal entries changes from top to bottom sometimes as I work through what I want to say. Sometimes I have to go back and add paragraphs. We see it all the time that journals start one way and a few pages later the journalist is speaking in completely different tones. Just let it all out, take any responses in the spirit in which they are meant and keep thinking/processing/evolving.

    You might say stuff that you later regret. You might cringe when reading back over old entries. But if you wait until your thoughts are perfectly ordered, and your marriage is on a stable footing, you might be waiting forever, and in the meantime you miss some of the key benefits to doing this. Also, your journal would be boring and we wouldn’t read it :p

    One last thought. In my relationship I was concerned about fairness, equality, meeting in the middle. My voice being heard. The problem with that is that the “middle” is almost impossible to find. It’s exhausting trying to balance the relationship the whole time. A key shift in my recovery occurred when I decided to stop seeking the middle and instead focussed just on loving and serving my wife. Now I am not there yet, and have to work on the all the time, but my it is so much SIMPLER to live this way, and so LIBERATING. And wouldn’t you know, in doing so my wife has started to come towards me, seeking to meet halfway, where before she might have pulled away.

    Speaking for myself I am interested in your story and would like to get to know you. I hope you feel you can continue to journal here, but feel free to PM me if easier.
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  5. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Banjaxed, very good advice. I do need to be more like you say be more focused on just loving and serving my wife. I sometimes feel I am either working or doing recovery work. Then I have to spend time to also be a perfect partner and put heaps of work into the relationship. I do want to do this so I need to stop thinking of it as work and more as what is just required and a pleasure as I really do want us both to be in a happy loving relationship.
    Thanks for your interest, I would also like to get to know you, so will start by reading your journal. I had a quick look and I can see it will entertain me!
     
  6. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Not a good day today, started off by sleeping in rather than getting up and exercising. Had a heap of stuff to do at work then hit with some urgent must do today tasks. Was not in any frame of mind to concentrate, ended up talking to the new guy about his journey in life. Makes mine seem so uninteresting. Anyway was nice to just connect with someone. I ended up getting home late as when i was leaving one of the tasks that had to happen today but didn't as I had to get someone externally to finalise and they hadn't. Anyway was asked as I was leaving what had happened. I ended up having to log back in and send email to explain it would be finalised in the morning. My wife doesn't like me being late from work as I have in the past looked at P from work before coming home. I do try to get out on time now so she doesn't worry.

    We have been fighting due to how I spent some vouchers I had gained from online surveys. I had bought her a necklace with our money and then said I would use the voucher to pay for some of the groceries. She said to put it on the main shop groceries, I did not hear this possibly as I was still happy she like her gift. I had bought her a pendant in January and she did not wear it as she didnt have any silver chains so I bought one on impulse as I knew I had the voucher. Anyway when I did the shopping I forgot to use the voucher. Later I had to go back to get some things and so I used the voucher to pay for them, then during the week I used it again and also used some others I had so thought this was ok. She has gotten all upset with me and said I have broken a boundary as I did not do what I said. I got upset as I had as far as I was concerned done what I had said and used the vouchers for groceries. We had an argument regarding this and she demanded she sees all vouchers I have to make sure. I said no worries I will show you so started to take them out, she was already worked up so snatched the first one out of my hand. I was already upset as I was confused and hurt because I was getting accused of doing wrong when I had used the money to buy her a present and had done everything I had said I would and now I was being attacked over it. I ended up throwing my wallet and stormed off as I was pissed off at being attacked over what I thought was a nice gesture. Anyway she says I nearly hit her with the wallet, was not my intention to do this, just very emotional regarding being attacked when doing something nice.

    So then the main argument is she put a boundary in place on me because I did not spend the voucher as she had said. I said I had as I had not understood it had to be done on the main shop in one hit. Her reasoning being then she can see I have done it that way. I can understand this but I said it was a bullshit boundary violation and I don't accept it and if she is going to apply these boundary violations without me being able to explain myself as she said I was just gaslighting when I said I had done as I said and spent the voucher on groceries as I had said I would. Sounds very childish and stupid when writing and I can tell you I was going WTF most of the time when this was happening as I was so confused as I was only feeling my emotions on this.

    So after a few days and her talking to me, well mostly yelling and screaming at me and getting highly emotional. To me I could not understand and was confused and I kept getting deeper in the shit as I was sulking and watching TV, she came out while I had just switched channels as the ads were on the movie I was watching. The movie I switched to had a car chase scene, as I love cars especially american muscle cars I watched this scene. She took note of the channel and looked the movie up. It had sex scenes and nudity so came in and said what was I watching it for and did I know it had these scenes. I said yes I do remember watching this when it first came out and it did, so she asked why was I watching it. I said because there was a car chase scene and I just watched, did not think about the sex/nudity and remembered they were mostly at the start. Anyway in her hurt state she was pissed off at me and imposed another boundary violation. I accepted this as I should have realised and in my sulky state had not realised and had promised not to watch any movie or TV shows with sex or nudity and it is my responsibility to check so I owned this. I was still not accepting the voucher situation though.

    So I read some posts when I got home today and there was posts of PA's saying similar to my situation and what seemed to be unrelated issues were causing a lot of dramas so they stopped and did what was required. I thought about the voucher situation and how it made my wife feel and finally started to understand her thoughts on this and why she did not want me doing this. I had decided to talk to my wife regarding this and to do what ever she required of me as I could see she was very triggered by the vouchers. I had in the past bought a USB Drive, not used for any P and a Hard Drive with them. I had put P on the hard drive so she associated this with the vouchers. So I needed to get rid of the the survey sites and vouchers to stop her trauma around this. I was planning on talking to her after dinner about this. She ended up approaching me first and I said I will do whatever you want to make you feel better as I had not realised the hurt it was causing and my stubborn personality was only seeing it on a superficial level. I realised i really need to think deeper and to try to stop thinking of myself so much. She asked me to write down that I would do this and close all the sites, so I did. I tried to close them tonight but there was money that I needed to get out and it takes a few days, so promised once I have received the last of the money I will close them all. I will give this to her as well so she can spend as she pleases and know I am not using for any P related items.

    Another late night. Got to get some sleep so I dont skip my exercise in the morning.
     
    Banjaxed likes this.
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    As an SO , I just want to validate a few things from my point of view . My husband is a slow processor as well . It could take him DAYS to realize what he had done /said wrong . Work on empathy.
    As for the vouchers , I think you did the right thing ! I can tell you if my PA had a means to spend /earn money with no track records , no REAL way to see how it was spent , to only use TRUST as a tool ? Forget it , that would have slowed my healing down even more . If you really NEED the extra cash , then you need to find a way she can see your earnings .
     
  8. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Qnb for your insight, I know I was only thinking of myself, she does know what I get as she has access to everything, she just cant see where I spend it. I do understand this now and was only trying to help our money situation. The last thing before the necklace I bought was a pressure cooker as time is also in short demand and trying to do this recovery work, read and also cook every evening is difficult so this saves time. I have been saving them up so I can do this sort of thing or surprises like flowers. I also use them as at work on a 7 week cycle on Friday we bring in morning tea each for our area. My wife has not been happy with spending money for this so was the first reason I started doing the surveys, then started earning a lot more than I need so started buying other things. I know I am not doing anything wrong and am only doing good with them now, apart from a hard drive, mainly used as I used to collect TV shows and Movies, then was given some P movies and stupidly kept them and watched them so tainted the vouchers with my addiction. So I can understand where she is at with it. Yes us males are a bit slow sometimes, I just cant seem to think deeper like she does and it frustrates her and me as I get confused and then she yells then I get defensive and it goes to shit. We have to break this cycle. We are both working on each others issues so will get there.
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You will read a lot of ppl on here talking about intimacy disorders and intimacy anorexia due to PA . My hubs and I had to do just as much if not more in terms of recovery work for that as well as the P. Dig deeper . Throw pride and ego out the door . If she’s still with you , she’s WITH you . You need to show support just as she is
     
  10. A lot there.

    One thought is putting the purchase agreement in writing.

    Possible to write on the voucher for what it’s agreed to be used?

    There is a video somewhere here where often women will continue to talk to men from another room and I can’t hear her at all.
    We both found that to be the case and I mention it when I note it.
    It’s kind of funny that we found it so.
     
  11. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Yes we have 3 main areas to work on as I think most here do, my recovery, her recovery and our recovery. If you have any resources you can share please let me know - thanks.
     
  12. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Trappist, yes we tried to make agreements but I misunderstood and looks like for her sake it will be easier to just stop. I dont want to do anything to upset her so am happy to do this for her.

    Oh don't worry I can still hear her from a few rooms away! ;)
     
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ok , I don’t want to hijack this ,I typically agree with MOST of what you say , especially regarding the PA , BUT in regards to the SO , which I happen to be an expert lol , I don’t know if it’s HOW you wrote it or HOW MANY times you wrote it about it not being his job to help her heal , I 100% DISAGREE wholeheartedly. The Dr Weiss “ How to HELP her heal “ series was a huge PUSH in HIS understanding. Not just for my situation but I know it helped a lot of couples on here . I think a newbie could easily take that as “ you do you and let her do her “ that’s is NOT how this works and I know you know that so maybe I just read it wrong ? But Dr Phil says “ you put it in a ditch , it’s your job to get it out “ ;)
    She will not heal without HIS help . Yes his recovery comes first to HIM , but he can’t just ignore what she is going through . Too many times I see the SO left in the dust . Been there , was there , for too long , until that video series was watched !
     
    EyesWideOpen and Br1 R1 like this.
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ok yes ! Thank you ! I was like wtf @GhostWriter . I don’t agree with you 100% . And that’s ok . I just think if you leave an SO to her own devices completely after DDAY , you are leaving a HUGE gap . My SO was VERY lucky I was patient.
     
  15. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your dissection Ghostwriter, I appreciate all the time and effort you put into helping. I know I say a lot about helping my SO and her betrayal trauma. I am mainly saying this as I don’t really understand exactly how she is feeling so was thinking similar to Qnb42078. I just want to know what she is experiencing to have empathy. I also appreciate what you are saying. Also funds are tight but we have a budget, I can tell you it was not an extravagant meal but was nice. I also did not spend a lot on the gifts, they were just nice expressions of love from me. I would love to spoil her though if I could. I in no way think of you as the enemy, more like a teacher who is harsh but fair .

    Sorry as usual software people don’t reply to angry responses to their programs, so no funny story there.

    Yes as usual your right they are excuses, I could have done more than look away, just took me by surprise as she would normally check on IMDB to see if any sex or nudity scenes. It was good in the sense that I was able to not react and did not trigger. This made me feel good at least that if she was not around I think I would react the same. In future yes look away and leave or turn off is the much better choice.

    Stubborn and unwilling gets me in a lot of trouble ☹ and I do need to concentrate on my recovery more. LOL “cock”, my wife would say typical always thinking about it! Glad I could give you some comic relief.

    Yes unfortunately I am not close to my family and FB is my only contact in a lot of ways, I feel for you Ghostwriter if it was my only way of seeing my kids I would feel the same. This makes me want to put more effort in as well.

    I do need to devote more time to her and my problem. I have made up a schedule, I am just fine tuning it as I also need to do other things, possibly more excuses, just need to finalize it.

    Yes as I said the forum is about support and feel this is the case most of the time, even if the support is a kick in the arse it is still support. I do appreciate that as well as when childing we need to be told and to get back to adulting. It was just a couple of posts I read where replies basically said “I would leave my SO if he did that!” just thought that was not required. I also think everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just don’t like it that’s all.

    I do want to hear your side, I like your reply as it makes me think and realize some of the stupid I do. If I don’t get these replies I think I am doing ok when I ‘m not.

    I think sometimes when I post words they will just spill out as they should. I need to feel I can do this without holding back. I don’t want to hold back how I feel and think but sometimes think she may take it the wrong way and be triggered and hurt, which is not what I want to do. It is hard to find the balance when we read each others posts to not question the motive or thoughts behind it. I will get there as I become more experienced in this. I don’t ever write anything so this is all new to me.

    Yes everything I am doing on here, reading or the course I am looking at is discussed with her, she has a say in it all as it affects her as much as me.

    Banjaxed said:

    One last thought. In my relationship I was concerned about fairness, equality, meeting in the middle. My voice being heard. The problem with that is that the “middle” is almost impossible to find. It’s exhausting trying to balance the relationship the whole time. A key shift in my recovery occurred when I decided to stop seeking the middle and instead focussed just on loving and serving my wife. Now I am not there yet, and have to work on the all the time, but my it is so much SIMPLER to live this way, and so LIBERATING. And wouldn’t you know, in doing so my wife has started to come towards me, seeking to meet halfway, where before she might have pulled away.

    THIS! Follow this!


    I really liked this as well and resonated with me – Thanks @Banjaxed


    Hopefully that is right have to get my self fixed then work on the relationship, hopefully just by getting myself fixed this will already be a major fix to the relationship.

    The voucher thing is really not worth going on about and I could write a book on it so will leave it. The whole situation is more complicated due to past experiences and control issues. There was a lot of emotion involved for me, not something I normally let get to me but I think I have been more emotional since stopping P & M.

    Yeah I was mad and emotional, should not have reacted that and said it was bullshit but I did and its done and I am paying for it.

    Br1 R1 said:

    I was planning on talking to her after dinner about this. She ended up approaching me first and I said I will do whatever you want to make you feel better as I had not realised the hurt it was causing and my stubborn personality was only seeing it on a superficial level. I realised i really need to think deeper and to try to stop thinking of myself so much. She asked me to write down that I would do this and close all the sites, so I did. I tried to close them tonight but there was money that I needed to get out and it takes a few days, so promised once I have received the last of the money I will close them all. I will give this to her as well so she can spend as she pleases and know I am not using for any P related items.

    No, there wasn’t. You needed to close them. It is inconsequential about the money. If that’s an issue, turn it over to her and let her get the money. This is another excuse du jour. You continue to make promises that you cannot keep. STOP DOING THIS. I cannot tell you enough how important it is to her to keep your commitments. It is imperative.


    Sorry you have confused me here? I am going to close them as agreed there is no excuse, no point throwing money away. I am keeping to my commitments.


    Br1 R1 said:

    The last thing before the necklace I bought was a pressure cooker as time is also in short demand and trying to do this recovery work, read and also cook every evening is difficult so this saves time

    Oh no, now you bought a pressure cooker? So you spent money you didn’t have to have more time to spend on something besides her? I mean, historically, that’s what you managed to do; squander time and money. You’re justifying your actions. You don’t’ need to justify them to us. You need to justify them to her. Only both of the things? You never had enough respect for her to dignify her with a conversation about it before you made the decision. They should be collective decision until such time she is comfortable enough in the relationship to afford you the latitude to make them yourself. Remember that. It’s on her timeline. Not yours.

    Sorry again confused, I did not spend money, I used the vouchers in a way that was beneficial to us and I spent it on this so it speeds up the cooking time so I have more time to spend with her.


    Yes I will spend time on working on myself but I also think it is important for me to understand the issues she is going through as well.


    Thanks again Ghostwriter I do really appreciate all you have done for my wife and for me. You are an inspiration to this site and I know a lot of the others here respect your input so don’t take any of my negative responses as disrespect just my opinion and feedback to your welcome feedback.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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  18. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Was what I was thinking as well.
    LOL yes I am always told I am like an emotionless robot sometimes, maybe the addiction or maybe just me, I do feel a lot more feelings now than I used to so maybe the addiction. Anyway going with Option B. Maybe I should change my name to No 5.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
  19. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Qnb will check these out. I dont mind religious content as long as its not over the top, I'm not a big believer in organised religion but do believe there is something out there pulling our strings.
     
  20. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Good advice ghostwriter and i understand this, will focus more on my recovery as yes I can understand my mind is sometimes conflicting with itself on decisions more and more. I have good days and bad, emotions also driving me more than usual. I think I need to get into one of these courses ASAP and start working it. From reading journals from the start to now I can see shifts in peoples writings. I want to be at the end but need to realise I have to do the work on myself to get there.
     
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