Frustrated with husband

hi @Blarghen - sorry for your frustration. I can imagine it must be pretty severe.

a few thoughts and questions come to mind from your post.

1. as you no doubt know, no addiction or habit or anything is changed until the person wants to. it sounds like your husband wants to at some level - based on 6 mos of counseling and participating in the various accountability schemes you've tried. or maybe he isn't really ready yet to give it up and is doing all this to help you... impossible to know from here.
2. using porn every few months or so would be glorious abstinence for many guys on this board. is it really that infrequent? IMO that would be amazing if he only does it every few months, and not likely indicative of an addiction. which doesn't match all the counseling - so I'm a bit confused.
3. is his porn use affecting your relationship? many significant others(SOs)/wives report their husband rejecting them for intimate times, or he becomes more demanding in the bedroom, or the guy develops ED, or becomes significantly less attentive. is he having any of these symptoms?
4. not to be too prying - but have you gotten to the bottom of why his watching porn "every few months" affects you so strongly that leaving him is in the mix of options right now? I'm not trying to be rude, but getting to a base emotional understanding of yourself may help you to communicate that to him. I don't even slightly mean to imply that you should be OK with it (that is entirely up to you!) or that this isn't his problem, but only that maybe being able to describe it to him fully may help.

try reading some of the SO journals here, and then some of the guys journals too. it will give you a clearer picture of what to look for.

this can be hard to navigate. I'm glad you've found NoFap. I'm sure some of the SOs will chime in here and give you much better advice than I ever could.

HTH

 

@Blarghen . There are several thoughts that come to mind.

1. if you husband doesnt use a vpn to connect to work you can block the router to the main search sites.
2. See if your service provider can block adult content directly at their end. Thats what my wife has done with me. As a result short of using a vpn, I can't look at porn on any device.
3. There are many fellowships available to him which would be of benefit. Search for Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex addicts anonymous (SAA) and Sex and love addicts anonymous (SLAA). I have been to all three over the years but find SLAA the best. However, SA and SAA tend to just be men only whereas SLAA is a mixed bag of people. I think group work is very important for him to over come porn. I find it useful to off load my stress to other like minded people who are in a similar situation.
4. Have a look at the SOS group for significant others. That might be helpful.

 

i think that him being still hanging on is the first issue with this situation. It took me my entire marriage (11yrs) to come to that understanding. So hopefully my opinion/advice can save you the time, but he will have to be the one that has to commit.

my SO, after the 11+ times she's caught me, read me a technique/tip to preventing relapse. It was something like: 'A relapse doesn't just happen. it doesn't just appear out of no where and ambushes you. a relapse is a conscious choice of giving in to the anticipated pleasure. The relapse actually starts hours, days, or weeks before the actual occurrence. It starts with a small thought. The thought doesn't get appropriate addressed and is entertained. The next thought may actually be accompanied by a physical urge that is not appropriately addressed but is resisted. After 2 times, it can be repeated many times, but it builds up and the mind finally gives in. All the thoughts and urges that were not properly addressed finally becomes the dominate thought and then the final urge before the act strikes. The KEY is to address the first thought. The smallest thought has to be directly addressed so it doesn't lead to or empower other thoughts.'

This was read to me from an alcoholic recovery group, but it resonated with me completely.

In the past, I've wanted to stop, but held onto the notion that P was my right and M was completely normal, in any amount. This always led to a relapse.

Then the subject of porn being addictive and I may be an addict was brought up. I wanted to stop but couldn't seem to leave P out. Even though I thought I might be an addict, I still thought P was a right and M was not an issue. This always led to a relapse.

The last time, I was convinced I was an addict. Porn was an issue for me being an addict. M was an issue because I was an addict. I went to therapy but quickly stopped b/c of costs. I went to SAA but stopped because I felt I was above it and could quit it myself. Even thought I acknowledged I was an addict and I had a problem, I never conceived that I had to change my behavior and mind. Because I was never thought that maybe all of my entertainment interests and career choices may have been influenced with my desire to have access to porn and to hide my obsession, it always led to my relapses.

Realizing that I was depressed and self-destructive made a huge difference in how I was coping with PA.

What I feel has helped me with my current streak:

• acknowledging that I need to change my mind. Not entertaining thought, ideas, or fantasies. Using mindfulness techniques to let the thoughts slide by or refocus/distract my thoughts.
• Not ogling women. Many PAs use a 2-3 second rule to keep themselves in check, but really it takes just a micro-glance to take in a view. I am currently struggling keeping my eyes from wandering below the neck. I think this will be my greatest struggle since it is so instant and habitual.
• Joining an SLAA or SAA group. Voicing out and talking about addiction with others helps immensely. There's something to the act of speaking about the acts that forces you to objectively view yourself.
• Changing habits to a Do'er. If there is something that needs to be done, I immediately do it. Dishes, sweeping, laundry, tasks at work. Eliminating procrastination does wonders for my mood, confidence, and focus.
• Removing & avoiding all P-Subs and content that may lead me to think of P & P-Subs. This for me means not reading any news (filthy ads). Also includes no Sci-Fi, Anime/manga, Fantasy(genre) in book, tv, or movies. I do plan on going back to Sci-Fi & Fantasy, but probably not for years. I do still enjoy anything I can watch/read with my SO but I do not initiate it b/c I should be doing self improvement or research on how to cope with PA.

If he can really accept that P is not a right and that he also needs to change his brain, then he can truly evaluate himself. Find his triggers. For me, it's boredom or opportunity. Those lead to my relapses. Other visual stimulation may lead to mental flashes or invasive thoughts.

He can take it a step further and use the Accountability Software or Content Blocking services. They are great, gives peace of mind for PA's & SO's but true recovery may not be fully achieved if they are used indefinitely (still great in the beginning until comfortable). True recovery will be facing the world and all it's triggering content.

Hopefully this helps or inspires other ways to help.

 

I would add self awareness

 

Sorry to be so brief and to the point (I'm having my own BAD day today), but you sound like you are experiencing betrayal trauma, and he sounds like a typical PA. You both need therapy for your issues. No two ways about it. If he is in denial, he needs intervention. You need to take care of yourself A LOT!

 

I think ALL SO's experience betrayal trauma AND its not their fault. THEY ARE A VICTIM and what's worse is that they love, care for, and wish to support the same person that has and often continue to assault them.

SO's need to give them selves much more slack for the way they feel BECAUSE they have every right to. Everyone else needs to acknowledge the SOs often have it much harder that the PA during recovery.

 

This!^^^ Amazing!

 

@Blarghen See if your service provider can block at their end. then you won't have to worry about individual sites. Much easier. SAA is great. if he goes more than once he's doing it for himself.

 

I'm very sorry you are suffering this pain. There is a lot of useful information on this site so I do recommend you look through the forums, particularly the partner support. Three observations I would make:

1. There are no quick fixes - for his addiction, for your hurt or for the damage inflicted on the relationship. It will take time and be a rocky road.
2. For him to succeed he must be truly committed to giving up porn forever. This, for most addicts, is the most difficult mental step and I don't think he has taken it yet. Stupid though it sounds, quitting porn can feel like a bereavement to a long term user. A part of them just doesn't want to let go.
3. Open communication is a must to rebuilding the trust. You must both be able to talk regularly about your feelings in a blame-free way. Others here have recommended FANOS as a good basis for this.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope your faith provides you with strength and comfort along the way.

ANH

 

Oh, sorry to hear that. Thankfully, there is a lot of free resources online nowadays. There are numerous websites and books you can read and get great benefit from them. Some online help costs, but very little.
- I use https://bloomforwomen.com/ a lot for my betrayal trauma (costs $10 a month to become a member). They have a huge video blog library on their forum and many useful courses for partners of SA/PAs.
- They also have a program for PAs on https://addorecovery.com/, but I'm not part of it.
- This site has excellent blog too http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/
- This YT playlist has good info too https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUcl2-DahIJbjxZ6FUvalLIw
- Another site with some good info and free resources http://www.themindfulhabit.com/
- The "classic" https://yourbrainonporn.com/
- A great site FOR YOU to feel better right away http://uncustomary.org/ I love this woman!!!
- My goodreads list (not complete and not only on PA/SA stuff, but some good books on the topic) https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/24960995
- My post with two videos your husband should watch:

And there are hundreds, if not thousands more. Some SOs have lists of resources in their journals too. I just gave a sample here.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rock-stars-lists.124256/
My SO is a year plus PM free.
So is @AnonymousAnnaXOXO

These are his Lists for getting better.
His tools he created.
Anna, I'm sure can link her resources too for faster access... Tho they are also on the thread.
I can link you to the success stories forum also.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/success-stories.24/

Success stories forum

 

This is Awesome!
Thank you for the links!
I love when we all share stuff

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

The Boundaries thread.
Just because it's sooooo important.
All the PAs and SOs joined in.
It's a fantastic read.
Good luck