From what he said, did he ever truly like me?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by green lion eating the sun, Jun 30, 2019.

  1. he told me "At the beginning I thought there could be something between us, but there wasn't". I dated this guy for about a month and we had s. twice. i had a feeling for the first time in my life that someone i was intimate with was opening up to me (he showed me after 1st s. album of photos of him as kid with his family and friends, told me his father thinks he is a failure, mentioned the death of one of his friends when he was a teen, we went to museums etc.). or he opened up to me just to get s.?

    does what he wrote mean that he thought he liked me at the start but then he changed his mind? did i mess it up? looking to get some guys' opinions
     
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  2. dwarfstruggles

    dwarfstruggles Fapstronaut

    Could be the last option, but considering that he waited until after S for opening up, it doesn't seem like it. If his motives were that shallow, then I think it's weird that he went through a month to only have s twice.

    I think he was probably telling the truth, but what that might mean isn't clear. It could be that after sex he decided he didn't want a relationship with you, or after having spent time with you decided that you weren't what he wanted. Maybe he found someone else, or was only looking for short flings. He could have not wanted to make a commitment, whether from not wanting to be tied down, not wanting to commit to you in particular, or having some psychological issue with commitment. Maybe life got in the way, who knows? He might just be confused about things and wouldn't be able to answer more clearly if he tried.

    Once you learn how, opening up can be easy. It's not unheard of in dating/pick-up advice to learn to be vulnerable and open to women. I learned it there some time ago, and find myself doing it too freely. I'm not sure if that's true of him, as again he seemed to wait before doing it, but it's a possibility.

    I wouldn't worry about it.
     
  3. he actually opened up to me even before we had s. for example the day before we exchanged the first kiss with each other, he told me he had an important surgery when he was young when i jokingly put his shirt up and noticed a scar. i didn't ask him about that and it was a small scar and i didnìt freak out. thing is when he was opening up with me i didn't know how to react

    mostly i thought he was playing games with me and it was all an act. but what kind of f.boy would say these things to get a girl in his bed? it made me close to him in a way s. never made me feel really to any guy i had before. while i was still a s. addict i used to use s. to sabotage myself from getting a deeper relationship, from truly connecting. after the first time we were more connected, i could feel it. after the second time and how that date was, it was not good and still saw him a bit like a rebound from the guy i had before him. maybe it is worthy a shot. this is the closest i got to real intimacy. more powerful than all the s. i could have or i have had
     
  4. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    I recently left my girl for feeling the same way, even after being intimate and being with her for awhile I just felt like our values and views on the world were to different so I let her go. Maybe he was thinking of things like that in his head.
     
  5. Bambino Casino

    Bambino Casino Fapstronaut

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    "At the beginning I thought there could be something between us, but there wasn't"
    Hi, a guy here.
    TL:DR
    Trying to analyse another person's thoughts with limited information is nearly impossible. It's also easy to jump to reasonable seeming conclusions, but truth can be stranger than fiction sometimes. Ultimately, what you know for certain is that he isn't able or willing to explain his decisions to you clearly and that isn't someone who would make a good partner for you. You'd spend nights tossing, turning, and trying to decode deep-seeming cryptic nonsense.

    A person leaves you because they aren't interested or because they are more interested in someone/something else.

    An important thing to note is that when someone is choosing another person--they are choosing what they value more, not what is inherently more valuable. For example, if I could only have one staff member at my house, I'd choose a cook. It doesn't mean an accountant, or doctor, or painter is less valuable objectively. Just that that is the person's preference. If you're the painter you shouldn't feel bad not being chosen because you want to spend your time painting not cooking. You are a different person to what is desired and so long as you like who you are and are working towards your own ideals then you shouldn't regret not being a person you don't want to be in the first place.

    It's a bit like if you applied for a poorly described "painting job" in an ad with good pay. Later you find out that they want an interior painter, not an artistic portrait painter. It sucks when you don't get chosen because you don't get the pay but if you enjoy painting portraits then you can't regret not being an interior painter. Most relationships are like that. The ad is
    "person to make me happy" but that doesn't describe the individuals characteristics and if it turns out you don't fit the bill, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a shit person--just that you are not the right fit for their specific job.

    Going forward I's say you need to sharpen your bullshit detector. It's simple but not easy (i.e., it's not complicated but it takes some effort).

    a.) The first thing is to see whether what a person says and what they do match. Any discrepancy between the to is bs and needs explaining.
    For example, I once met a lady who said she didn't care about money and paid for part of our date. Later in the night though, I asked her what her goal was and her answer was "do date someone who will buy me a house"... bs detected.
    Judgment of her goals aside, it's very often that people think of themselves very differently than they actually are. It's socially admirable to think of oneself as "being a lady who doesn't care about money" it's a very different story to live that way when you have suitors who will throw money at you. People, myself included, often have a false self image so take into account their actions.

    b.) Whenever something doesn't add up and you clarification do a bit of investigation first.
    For example, if a person always answers their phone with you present but suddenly starts leaving the room to do so, rather than asking. Take a peek at their call history, get a name and find out who it is. Just flat out asking is likely to alert the person to cover their tracks better.

    (Note: there is a difference between investigating someone who is behaving suspiciously and doing so when someone isn't. Trust is different from blind faith, it's built on reason and revoked on reason as well. An ex searched my phone when I was acting shady. She said "you never had a password on your phone, now you do. Why?" that's good reasoning so I wasn't mad (I was planning a surprise trip for us so it was cute). Another ex checked my phone "because she had a dream I cheated" very not cute. Another checked my phone because her ex cheated on her. "Am I your ex?" if not, then that's not a good enough reason. So investigate before you communicate suspicious activity, but only do so if you have good reason."

    c.) Only sleep with people who you won't have regrets about. Now, it's impossible to see the future but it is possible to wait until you have a general idea of a person's character. The more people you observe, the better you'll get at characterizing them. The main thing to be wary of it prejudices. Don't make a final conclusion until you're certain about something until then just take note and keep investigating. If there's a rumour, don't ignore it, but don't believe it either--just take not and look for more evidence. Seeing a person drunk once doesn't mean they're an alcoholic. They could've lost their job, gotten a new job, be having a 10-year reunion, be grieving over a loved one, been roofied, etc (all of which I've experienced.)
    You've just gained the experience that "just because someone opens up to you, doesn't mean they are sincere or that this is a serious relationship". The next time you encounter a similar pattern do some more probing. Don't prejudge but turn on your bullshit detectors (they should always be on) and do some investigating.

    Sex is an act of submission. In a hetero relationship, a guy is (by virtue of being aroused by and wanting to be inside someone) admitting that he finds someone attractive. He is accepting how a person is and saying "I like this". For a guy who aims to sleep with a woman he doesn't know, he is actively pursuing "anything so long as it looks good". A thief, a whore, a pedo, an underage girl, anything goes as long as it looks good. That tells you the man's character "An unfocused mess who follows whatever is easiest and outwardly appealing i.e., a frivolous man with no standards."

    For a hetero woman, sex is also an act of submission. She is accepting someone else inside her. She has the capacity to refuse, so anything she accepts tells you her character --her idea of herself and what she values.

    Sex doesn't have to be reserved but it should always be with people that you are proud to know. People who even if the whole world knew you wouldn't flinch because you think they are an amazing person. I only have 1 person I regret sleeping with. She is also the best-looking person I've slept with but she was mean to people below her, disloyal to her friends, manipulative, and far too concerned with other's opinions. I accepted that and by my acceptance, I approved of all of those crappy things. It's the equivalent of me hanging out with a guy who hits his girlfriend. I may hit women but by hanging out with this dude I am implicitly saying it's ok to do.
    On the other hand, my first girlfriend was a brave woman who overcame an abusive household. She saved money at a secret job and planned to escape her situation. She studied hard and earnestly tried to change the habits her trauma had given her. She was also a skilled artist and would spend weeks working on a project. Even though things didn't work out and it was painful, I know that she saw me, liked me and gave me part of her time which is precious because of the calibre of woman she was. She isn't the prettiest girl I've dated but I am proud I got to know her regardless of what people say.

    d.) The only people capable of love or long term relationships are people who have their shit figured out. A lot of people say "Love is blind" or "love should be unconditional" that's why a lot of people are miserable. Love is an emotion. If a person was angry all the time or scared all the time for no reason you'd want them to get some mental care and fix it. But, people (and all major world religions) claim that you should just love people for no reason.

    Love is the highest emotion of one person in response to the virtues of another. A 'virtue' being the behaviour by which a person gains some value (a value being something one acts to gain and/or keep).
    E.g You want people to trust you (the value) so you are honest (the virtue).
    You want to feel excitement (the value) so you are spontaneous (the virtue).
    Note: Not all values and virtues are productive. Many are destructive e.g you want people to like you (the value) so you become a good liar (the virtue).

    For most people, what they love seems predetermined and unchangeable. When in truth, only physical reactions (feeling pain when you get burnt) are hardcoded. Emotional responses (like being scared of dogs) is learned--usually very early. What you love is often a cocktail of childhood stories of princes, Vampires (Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer...or maybe team Edward?), father figures, teachers, sports heroes, etc. So often people end up loving things with little consideration to their long term goals. Once you discover those goals (which can sometimes take time) your behaviour will change to match them--if you're serious about them. My friend wanted to do event management but couldn't find work. She was an immigrant and to get her residency her only option was to become a teacher. She fell for the job and now she wants to be the best damn teacher there is. So no more late nights, binge drinking and swearing like a sailor, she's into art and reads and writes a lot more. She's become less bitchy and is actually really sweet. She's thinking of adopting kids and is now solo-ing a mortgage to qualify for that goal. She is a completely different person and who she wants to be with is completely different. A single female events coordinator cannot go around adopting kids because she wouldn't be home much. Unless she's ok with the kids being raised by aupairs, those 2 things can't co-exist. Most people aren't consciously aware of their goals so they have all kinds of friction, loving things that are bad for them and their long-term happiness.

    The goal is to think about what you want to do with the one life you have i.e, the productive thing you'll spend doing for most of your life. Once you know that it becomes clear what's important to you and who you want to do that important thing with. Without knowing that, it is impossible to love someone or have a good long-term relationship because every few years (months?) what you want to do changes and so who you want to do it with must obviously change.

    Sooo, whenever you meet someone try and find out what their purpose is i.e., what productive thing they want to do with their life (obviously don't phrase it like that and don't bring that out fresh out the gates). See if they are seriously pursuing it. Then decide if that compliments what you want for your life.
    For example, my life is stressful and sometimes I have to face very big very scary things. A sense of humour really helps to laugh at those scary things and makes them look less scary so I can face them head-on. I value humour (the virtue) very highly and I couldn't date someone who couldn't make me laugh until my face hurt. I might sleep with them (like if they were stonefaced astronaut/cosmonaut) but I couldn't reward them with my "love" because they can pay me with the virtue "humour" necessary. They might get my respect, admiration, affection, friendship, etc which accept a different currency but what I love is determined by the things most important to me ("which in turn are determined by what I'm doing with my life) so I only love people who pay that price.

    The 'payment' for your love will be a long list of virtues and everyone's requirements are different and unique to them but they should always be based on the standard of your long term happiness. You don't have to sit down drawing hypothetical lists of requirements because they'll likely be bs. Just seriously spend your time pursuing your ambitions them what kind of person you are and what kind of person you want by your side become clear.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
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