Hello everyone.Thank you for reading and welcome to my journal. You can find my very first journal here and my second journal here. I started porn around the age of 9 and I have been on NoFap since February 22st 2017 and up to this point I have been unsuccessful in ridding myself of this addiction. I would like to go over a brief history of my life to help you my reader along with myself better understand my addiction. I was born in 2001 and I can't say I remember much of my early childhood but I remember being very happy,I remember loving and being loved things were good for me all was good. My parents decided that I should go be homeschooled rather than go to public school,my mother thought it would be better if I was in more of a controlled environment with advanced materials and a focus on religion.I did quite well too because my mother spent hours everyday teaching me math,reading and writing all my life.again all was well in my life. Things changed for me when I was 7.one day me and my father were sitting in his ex wife's house visiting my sister when his ex wife decided for what ever reason it would be funny to start hitting me with the metal end of a belt.She chased me around that house hitting me with that belt over a dozen times. After she stopped hitting me I went to my father who was sitting idly by and laughing and I told him "I want to go home" to which he replied "no" I told him once again "I want to go home" and again he replied "no" it was then I broke down and started to cry and screamed "why didn't you help me" That's when he started hitting me for no reason he just kept hitting me...in the face,the chest,the back he just kept hitting me with open hands and clinched fists...I thought he was going to kill me but finally he stopped and until this day I don't understand why he did it,I did nothing wrong and he had never done anything before to make me think he would ever do something like this. I remember on the ride home I was crying,bruised,slightly bloody and incredibly mentally fucked up and he told me "You might be crying but that's what happens when you act like a fool"........I did nothing wrong. My parents fought everyday for months after that and things never were the same between them. Now this entire incident destroyed me mentally I mean if me a helpless young child couldn't trust the one person in the world who was supposed to love and protect him than who could he trust? the answer is absolutely no one.This coupled with the massive amounts of news and murder mysteries my mother watched caused extreme paranoia and distrust of everyone in me. Merely stepping out of my front door would strike pure and absolute fear into my heart.my heart would race and it would continue the entire time I was outside,I was so afraid of everything.I also obtained some very severe OCD. The only safe place to me was my room,when I was in my room alone I could breath without the weight on my chest I was.....safe and thus I spent huge amounts of time there,I did my school work there,I gamed there I spent every second I could alone in my room being......safe,and I did that for over 3 years. Now basically living alone in my room caused boredom and strong loneliness I could remember spending time just stareing at the ceiling,crying and thinking I am completely alone and I can never have a friend because I could trust no one. When I was around 9 we got internet in my house for the first time and I also found on accident with no help or prior knowledge MO alone in my room 1 night. The internet was incredible for me because it was a endless source of entertainment to cure my boredom and most importantly it was a way to communicate in a controlled and safe environment.millions of people to talk and connect to in complete anonymity with a keyboard and I could shut it all down with the click of a button where they could never hurt me. It was incredible I mean just reading a comment on a video game was exhilarating it just gave me an incredible feeling so bit by bit I kept moving forward from just reading some comments to maybe dropping one myself,I started to go into chat rooms(clean ones of course) and go onto random forums.It was amazing.....I wasn't lonely anymore. I knew there were.....pornographic things online but I was always to afraid/uninterested to search for them but I did find my fathers browsing history,he had looked at a girl,no nudity or anything just normal pics but I found them and I MOed to them many times.it wasn't something I did often but whenever I felt like it and got the opportunity I did it. So thus I slowly became addicted to the internet it was an escape from my mental problems which I did not realize I had or realize I was escaping from. And then one afternoon I think I was around 10 either a few days before or after my 10th birthday I did what I had been think about for a long time and was so very afraid to do.....I looked at porn I type it in clicked on Phub and click on a video.....I had never seen a nude person before and within a few minutes I was seeing graphic video of genitals....I clicked off and threw up.a few weeks later I looked at porn again. And the rest is just history,I continued to spend very large amounts of time online in chat rooms,video games and youtube and continued to slowly watch more and more porn not knowing I was growing an incredible addiction. My paranoia started to slowly fade around that time,I became more social,my OCD lessened,my relationship with my father improved greatly. And that is my story and that is what really set me up to become a hardcore porn addict and that is what developed me to have a addictive personality. It might not seem very important to you,you may not understand or care,you may not understand why I see it as such a huge thing telling you these things but I have never told anyone about these things in my life and this was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to write....... Thanks for reading.