From Iron to Steel

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by Desperate_Warrior, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Hello everyone.Thank you for reading and welcome to my journal.

    You can find my very first journal here and my second journal here.

    I started porn around the age of 9 and I have been on NoFap since February 22st 2017 and up to this point I have been unsuccessful in ridding myself of this addiction.

    I would like to go over a brief history of my life to help you my reader along with myself better understand my addiction.

    I was born in 2001 and I can't say I remember much of my early childhood but I remember being very happy,I remember loving and being loved things were good for me all was good.

    My parents decided that I should go be homeschooled rather than go to public school,my mother thought it would be better if I was in more of a controlled environment with advanced materials and a focus on religion.I did quite well too because my mother spent hours everyday teaching me math,reading and writing all my life.again all was well in my life.

    Things changed for me when I was day me and my father were sitting in his ex wife's house visiting my sister when his ex wife decided for what ever reason it would be funny to start hitting me with the metal end of a belt.She chased me around that house hitting me with that belt over a dozen times.

    After she stopped hitting me I went to my father who was sitting idly by and laughing and I told him "I want to go home" to which he replied "no" I told him once again "I want to go home" and again he replied "no" it was then I broke down and started to cry and screamed "why didn't you help me"

    That's when he started hitting me for no reason he just kept hitting the face,the chest,the back he just kept hitting me with open hands and clinched fists...I thought he was going to kill me but finally he stopped and until this day I don't understand why he did it,I did nothing wrong and he had never done anything before to make me think he would ever do something like this.

    I remember on the ride home I was crying,bruised,slightly bloody and incredibly mentally fucked up and he told me "You might be crying but that's what happens when you act like a fool"........I did nothing wrong.

    My parents fought everyday for months after that and things never were the same between them.

    Now this entire incident destroyed me mentally I mean if me a helpless young child couldn't trust the one person in the world who was supposed to love and protect him than who could he trust? the answer is absolutely no one.This coupled with the massive amounts of news and murder mysteries my mother watched caused extreme paranoia and distrust of everyone in me.

    Merely stepping out of my front door would strike pure and absolute fear into my heart would race and it would continue the entire time I was outside,I was so afraid of everything.I also obtained some very severe OCD.

    The only safe place to me was my room,when I was in my room alone I could breath without the weight on my chest I and thus I spent huge amounts of time there,I did my school work there,I gamed there I spent every second I could alone in my room,and I did that for over 3 years.

    Now basically living alone in my room caused boredom and strong loneliness I could remember spending time just stareing at the ceiling,crying and thinking I am completely alone and I can never have a friend because I could trust no one.

    When I was around 9 we got internet in my house for the first time and I also found on accident with no help or prior knowledge MO alone in my room 1 night.

    The internet was incredible for me because it was a endless source of entertainment to cure my boredom and most importantly it was a way to communicate in a controlled and safe environment.millions of people to talk and connect to in complete anonymity with a keyboard and I could shut it all down with the click of a button where they could never hurt me.

    It was incredible I mean just reading a comment on a video game was exhilarating it just gave me an incredible feeling so bit by bit I kept moving forward from just reading some comments to maybe dropping one myself,I started to go into chat rooms(clean ones of course) and go onto random forums.It was amazing.....I wasn't lonely anymore.

    I knew there were.....pornographic things online but I was always to afraid/uninterested to search for them but I did find my fathers browsing history,he had looked at a girl,no nudity or anything just normal pics but I found them and I MOed to them many wasn't something I did often but whenever I felt like it and got the opportunity I did it.

    So thus I slowly became addicted to the internet it was an escape from my mental problems which I did not realize I had or realize I was escaping from.

    And then one afternoon I think I was around 10 either a few days before or after my 10th birthday I did what I had been think about for a long time and was so very afraid to do.....I looked at porn I type it in clicked on Phub and click on a video.....I had never seen a nude person before and within a few minutes I was seeing graphic video of genitals....I clicked off and threw up.a few weeks later I looked at porn again.

    And the rest is just history,I continued to spend very large amounts of time online in chat rooms,video games and youtube and continued to slowly watch more and more porn not knowing I was growing an incredible addiction.

    My paranoia started to slowly fade around that time,I became more social,my OCD lessened,my relationship with my father improved greatly.

    And that is my story and that is what really set me up to become a hardcore porn addict and that is what developed me to have a addictive personality.

    It might not seem very important to you,you may not understand or care,you may not understand why I see it as such a huge thing telling you these things but I have never told anyone about these things in my life and this was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to write.......

    Thanks for reading.
  2. I'm sorry that you had to suffer your dad and his ex-wife's wrath when you were 7. No fucking child should have to go through that. However, you have the opportunity to treat your own kids far better than that. Staying clean will help immensely.

    What?! I didn't know you were homeschooled! Same here! :D You're the second person I've met that was.

    This journal sounds like it's going to be the last one. But only you can make it so.

    I'll try to be around to write a big and hopefully motivational post later. So that, hopefully, you get a good headstart.
    _Xavier_, Hardboiled24, Al123 and 3 others like this.
  3. I never thought about it that way.

    I didn't know you were either! That's awesome dude!

    No need for the epic motivating post or the infamous "lets quote you" friend.Just knowing I have your support is enough!
  4. emzzz

    emzzz Fapstronaut

    Hey man, I just read some things I didn't know about you and I am very... impressed. Well, your story left me really speechless.
    I would like to put a hand on your shoulder and say you something encouraging. But I can't think of anything appropriate right now.
    By the way, I don't know if I was you I would still trust my father.
    And people in the world, they aren't exactly all friendly. You have reason to not trust anyone. That doesn't mean you cannot know people. You just want them to prove their reliability.
    You have to decide who trust or not.
    By the way, I just wanted to tell you, what happened I am sure it wasn't your fault. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT YOU IN ANY CASE, BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN; And as a human you are awesome, special, unique. Remember, the respect for yourself is something that should never be forgotten. You are a person. And you did nothing to deserve that, no one deserves that.

    I don't know if you managed to accept what happened to you, but maybe your addiction is also due to what you passed through.
    And all the other conditions, obviously led to that habit. Almost everybody started with similar causes as far as i know. I mean boredom, lot of time in their room, shyness, introversion. That also happened in my experience. I would have never thought I would have a similar problem with pmo right now. And I didn't go through what you faced. You are strong man. Really.
    So I am asking you, are you okay in your mind with what happened to you when you were a child?
  5. Thanks for the words of encouragement friend it means alot!

    But I don't think you fully understand what I meant.What you said about not all people being friendly and trust worthy is true and I of all people know this.I don't expect most people to be friendly,kind or trust worthy and I do not trust people very easily.What I meant by not trusting anyway in my original post was that I should look at the world and at people with a everything is good and everyone is good attitude but stepping outside your front door should not strike fear into your heart and being around people or in a public space should not be the stuff your nightmares are made should not have to lock yourself in your bedroom to feel safe and that is exactly how I felt.

    As far as my father I do trust him there is a certain element of it....sorta a mentality thing that I will not talk about to it but yes I do trust him.

    And yes I am ok with what happened to me,I accept it and I am at peace with it.I overcame it and in a way I think it made me stronger and I am thankful for that.

    Thanks again brother!
    emzzz likes this.
  6. 4/4/2018

    Another day another chance and a clean slate here in my new journal.I thank you all for your support and I am so ready to get into this and make this a journal of success and not failure.

    I went to bed at 8:30PM last night which is extremely early for me and while I didn't fall asleep until 10 I am glad I went to bed that early,it actually felt kinda nice and its something I want to continue.I woke up at 7am today with the rising sun and I must say I love the morning time there is just something about it,I am up and energetic I am happy and positive and ready for anything and its just simply peaceful and I enjoy that.

    Also MY PULL UP BAR CAME IN THE MAIL YESTERDAY!!!! AND IT WORKS! I am pretty pleased with it,it fit over my door frame and doesn't seem as if it will cause any damage to my door and it seems solid and safe.I got in my first workout with it this morning and found out I can only do 1 pull up which is disappointing but I am glad I can do at least 1 which more that most people can do.I have my workout book and also a motivation book coming in the mail today so I am looking forward to that and getting myself a workout routine set up.Its gonna be a long road but I am looking forward to the day that I can do 10 pull ups non stop.

    I also took a lukewarm shower this morning which is the first step toward pure cold showers,I want to get back into those simply to push my comfort zone to do something I don't want to do and strengthen my will power.I am here to forge myself and that means going through fire.

    I was also looking at some of my goals that I wrote down a few months ago and I want to start working towards them.The first one I wrote down was "to weigh more and be in better shape" this is something that I am taking steps to do and I feel it will really help me in every area of my life.I also want to read the entire bible through twice this year,get into the habit of waking up before the sun rise,taking cold showers and reading/working on a new skill everyday.These things seem simple enough and I think are some good goals and all I have to do is put in the work.

    A new mentality I want to adopt is to stop talking about my goals and what I am going to do so much.instead of saying I am going to do I want to DO IT and then say I DID IT.

    That is about all for today and this post.Thanks for reading everyone!
  7. Breaking Alive

    Breaking Alive Fapstronaut

    Dude, solid progress. It's inspiring to see you take steps in the right direction. Keep it up, and I look forward to following you and supporting oyu in your journey.
  8. Thanks brother and the same to you! BTW I like your spreadsheet!
  9. Al123

    Al123 Fapstronaut

    Jesus sorry to hear about the incident with your dad, I'm glad you two have a better relationship now. I agree with liquid shoes this will be the last journal you write and I know it. This will be the journal you defeat PMO
    tyrant108 and Desperate_Warrior like this.
  10. Thanks for your support brother!
    Al123 likes this.
  11. It should take about 2/3 months. Right now I'm 7 weeks in and I can do 6/7 in a row, and about 100 in an entire session
  12. Thanks that's about what I figured I just gotta keep at it!

    100 in a session? that's awesome!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. tyrant108

    tyrant108 Fapstronaut

    Love the new persona big guy. Looking forward to watching the rest of your life unfold. Cheers pal
  14. I have to say the same to you! Its incredible to watch you move forward day after day seeing the incredible progress.I don't think it will be long before we see 90 days from you.
    M.S.H. and Hardboiled24 like this.
  15. tyrant108

    tyrant108 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man. Hope I make you proud. As always, one foot in front of the other. Always the next step
  16. I already am proud brother! Always the next step.
    M.S.H., Hardboiled24 and tyrant108 like this.
  17. 4/5/2018

    Today is day 3 which is slightly disappointing because it feels like its been alot longer and that's one of the draw backs of looking at what day your on,that day can all too often discourage you but as Tyrant says I just gotta focus on the next step always the next step and before I know it I will be at my destination.

    Went to bed at 10 last night and woke up at 6:45am I am really enjoying waking up early although it can be hard to go to bed so early but that is what you give up if you want to enjoy the mornings.going to keep slowly working on rolling back that wake up time.

    I did another work out this morning which felt nice and along with my other exercises I was able to get nearly 2 pull-ups non stop,yesterday I did probably 20 over the course of a day so my shoulders are pretty sore right now but I think that is good progress,I am also starting to develop a blister on my hand abuse of having my entire body weight rest on my palms but oh well that's just part of it.......Part of the forging process I guess.

    Cold showers are coming along nicely slowly going from lukewarm to cool and hopefully soon they will be at cold.I also found myself a new YouTube series which I really enjoy so it will be good to have something to distract myself when the urges come.

    And on that note thus far the urges have been absolutely zero which figures but I expect that to change within the next day or 2.I have been mostly unproductive in school,haven't been reading the bible or my 2 books I ordered but I am hoping to work on that some today.

    That's all I really got to say for today.Thanks for reading everyone.
    M.S.H., EthanW., Al123 and 2 others like this.
  18. A piece of advice: don't do the same exercises on two consecutive days. For example, do a leg session with squats, leg levers or even situps, and the next day, do an arms session with pullups and pushups
    M.S.H. and Desperate_Warrior like this.
  19. Thanks! I am still working on getting myself a routine going.
    M.S.H. and (deleted member) like this.
  20. tyrant108

    tyrant108 Fapstronaut

    And the mantra claims another:D Sanderson must be proud. It's a powerful mindset big guy, one I have to thank for getting this far without succumbing to the frustration or the excitement and overconfidence. Treat each day like day 1 and focus on the battles that come. Actively trying to forget what day you are on is in itself focusing too much on the day count. That's the irony. If you forget it has to be natural, but even if you remember just toss it to the back of your mind and live your life. Only then can you say you're not focusing on the days
    M.S.H. and Desperate_Warrior like this.

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