Freedom of choice

Do we have freedom of choice? Everyone quitting has to struggle with that, because though we have chosen to quit, we find it difficult. We have the freedom of choosing to quit porn, but many cannot. Many believe, feel, genuinely believe, their addiction gives them no choice but to continue using porn. They post over and over here about being unable to stop. Brothers, I tell you, you are able to stop. That said, there is no reward mechanism in our brains for quitting porn.

If choosing to quit was easy, we would not be here. We are here because it is difficult. The guys who found it easy to quit porn are out on a date. We are not out on a date (though later this evening, I will be). Many guys here want an easy way out, but it won't happen. This is OK though because we are built to overcome adversity. Difficult is not impossible, difficult is doable. You can do difficult.

For a pornography addict--unlike someone who is not--we do not have freedom of choice when it comes to dopamine release. Let me say it again so everyone here understands. For a porn addict, if you experience porn in any form your brain interprets as porn, dopamine will be released. You cannot stop this release, you cannot control it, so the only way to avoid the dopamine release is to avoid anything your brain interprets as porn. Dopamine release leads at least to withdrawals, at worst to relapse. So, a dopamine release must be avoided at all cost to anything other than actual sex with a living breathing person, with a pulse, actually touching them.

If a porn addict experiences porn, dopamine is released. When I say "experience porn" I mean porn in the many forms our brains can interpret as porn, not just porn. One of the difficult things to learn on this journey is that more than just porn triggers us. We fall into the trap of thinking some things do not trigger us because they are technically not "porn." But, our dopamine soaked brains often seeks to outsmart us. It tells us that things other than porn are OK to experience. You have to be smarter than that and understand your dopamine soaked brain is trying to trick you into a dopamine fix. On your journey, beware that this will happen, expect it to happen, prepare for it to happen, so you will be able to handle it when it does. When quitting you must avoid porn in any form, even porn that compared to what you were experiencing in the middle of your addiction is softcore. Once you quit porn, once you start coming down from that dopamine high, your brain will start seeking anything to allow it to release dopamine. Some guys trigger on manikins. You get the idea.

Though Gary Wilson does not expressly say it this way, I have come to believe there is no choice when a porn addict experiences porn; when a porn addict experiences porn no choice is made about the dopamine release, it is simply released. Just like a dog that smells food; it drools. I am talking specifically about porn addicts; the dopamine release is an unconditioned response. For us, that high is automatic when we experience porn. If you are a porn addict you can choose to see porn, but if you are a porn addict, well, if you experience porn you cannot choose to release dopamine; it simply happens. If you want to get clean you have to avoid that artificial mechanism for getting a dopamine fix. Just that simple.

Maybe over the time we abused porn we unconsciously conditioned ourselves to have this response, but by the time we are in the middle of the addiction, dopamine is simply released when we experience porn. And when I say "experience porn" I mean experience the many "triggers" that exist in our brains. Point: porn is more than just porn. Since porn really only happens in your head, it is any sexual imagery in your head that causes a dopamine release.

I think this addiction, as it relates to triggers, must be understood in terms of "before" "during" and "after."

Before addicted, I experienced many sexual images and thoughts that did not trigger me. Perhaps, put another way, I had freedom of choice in whether I would allow them to trigger me.


During the addiction, in the middle, only very hardcore images triggered me, stuff way outside my actual sexual preferences. Softcore or vanilla porn would not trigger me. At that point I had lost freedom of choice in what would trigger me. Having become an addict my brain automatically released dopamine when I experienced porn. Dopamine was the smell of food, and I was just a dog that drooled when I smelled it.

Now, after, in the quitting phase, images that society would not even consider pornography, for instance a swimsuit competition in a beauty pageant, might trigger me. OK, maybe not so much now, but certainly in the beginning phase of quitting, it would have. This lesson must be learned--that once our brains become sensitized to hypersexual imagery, then those images, those thoughts, can trigger us, even if they do not fit the common definition of porn. It is my belief that this is our brain's way of attempting to get a dopamine fix when coming down, and being unaware of this many of us relapse when we give into viewing something, when quitting, that society does not deem "porn."

Today I am 6 months clean. No porn, no PMO, no MO, and consciously trying to avoid hypersexualized imagery running around in my brain. Sex sells, so, those images are everywhere, but the key is not to let a one second glance turn into a ten minute fantasy.

I have begun to notice that, while not fully recovered, I am able to experience things that, when I first began to quit triggered me, but now do not. A lot of guys ask "does it ever get back to normal?" What they are really asking is whether their brain's dopamine levels will ever get back to pre-porn levels. This addiction is especially tough for young guys because for many their first and only (and ongoing) sexual experience is pornography; they never have experienced actual, real, sex. Put another way, for some, their only sexual experience has been in their head, above the belt, and never in reality, below the belt. But to answer the question, yes, it gets better.


I still consciously avoid triggers. I do not indulge in sexual imagery, but at the same time, not all sexual imagery triggers me. I am not quite back to the "before" stage and maybe I never will be, but I feel much more in control now.

Interestingly, it brings us back to freedom of choice.

While I have somewhat broken my "unconditional response" to porn, I can still trigger, I can still feel the desire to relapse. But, this far out, I feel I have much more strength to choose not to. I can still trigger, but this far out I also can choose not to relapse. Even if I trigger, I am not going back, I will never relapse. It is a choice I am free to make. I am never using porn again.

For newbies, I believe avoiding all triggers is both helpful and necessary. This is not to say healthy sexual thoughts should be suppressed, but by "healthy" I mean "real." Porn is not real. That is an obvious statement, but for addicts, porn is often the most real thing in their lives. Porn happens between your ears, in you head, above the belt. If you wish to release dopamine, do it with an actual person as your partner. As in with a real, living, breathing, partner; actual intimacy, not sex on a screen or in your head. Imagined sexual imagery should be avoided during the reboot; most guys estimate it takes 30-90 days to get clean. Translation: you will experience various unpleasant thoughts and feelings for 30-90 days, known as withdrawals, before your brain becomes rebalanced.

At a certain point in you will reach "the tipping point." If you are just starting you cannot imagine it now, but somewhere out in your future there will be a day you wake up, and you will want NOT to see porn more than you want to. You will have reached the tipping point. I hope you reach it sooner rather than later, but know that you can reach it.

Good luck on your journey.