Freedom from my own tyranny

steveapac1 · May 24, 2018

Salutations to anyone who landed on this thread. I'm here because I've committed to making a momentous life change. I want to live a life free of my addiction to porn, masturbation and I say this with reluctance and shame, prostitution.

I heard a quote that anything you do for more than half your life becomes you. I started masturbating when I was around 12 years old and at the age of 23 it has become engrained in my habits. At such a young age, when I am brimming with potential and the desire to succeed in so many other areas of life, this monster keeps rising up from within my own abyss. Like the title hints, I have become so consumed by this that it feels like I am my own dictator. I regularly masturbate 2/3 times a day and find the urge to pay for sex so strong within me. When I masturbate I constantly find myself asking this questions '‘Was that honestly the best idea you had for solving the way you feel?'

Every time I hunch over the screen, it feels like a cry for help. The first thought I get before typing in po.... is some day I'm going to stop.

I may sound depressed or despondent, but this is far from the truth. 1.5 years ago I started on a journey of personal development that has changed the way I think. In this time, I completed my degree in Maths, started a mediation habit, read a book a week (around 80 books in total!), taught myself how to code myself, started eating healthy,repaired my relations with family, improved my self-esteem, reduced my stress and generally become a more conscious human being. But one thing lingers.

It feels like I'm at the end of the game and this is the final boss. I know there is a lot to go in life, I'm only 23 after all. But that is going to come up in a different game or something. This is the last thing in my past life that I have to deal with before moving on with proper adult life

But theres one more thing, something I had been avoiding, that I had subsumed because of my behaviour and situation. I want a girlfriend. I'd repressed this desire because I felt I was pervert. What girl would want a guy that had payed for sex? What girl would want a creep like me? I kept on pushing it further down. But I've had enough. This is the worst way to live my life. I deserve more.

Today, I start my way to the final hurdle. Except this is more like my own personal leviathan. Let's fucking do this. Stay tuned for more musings and dramatic prose (and hopefully some fucking humour once I get this momentum going!)

Peace!!

P-Free · May 24, 2018

@steveapac1 welcome to NoFap! So glad you're here! It sounds like you've made tremendous progress in many areas of your life, all at age 23. I'm impressed! I'm 50 and still working on some of those things! You are most definitely in the right place with the right people to take that final hurdle/beat that last boss/tame Leviathan. By the way, I love your writing style and humor.

I know you've already figured this out, but I want to say it anyway:
You are NOT a pervert or a creep!

If only perfect guys found love in this world, there'd be no love anywhere. I would say make sure you've not been exposed to any STDs and stop judging yourself so harshly. You're here, after all. That is half the battle, my friend. The pmo addiction and prostitute habit can and will be beaten if you put your mind to it and work the program. You already have one awesome amount of motivation, man!

This is my first time on NoFap and I'm almost done with 26 days being pmo-free. It's a journey. I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to share some things that may help you on yours.

There are a lot of good resources here. There is the List of Resources found here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/new-users-list-of-rebooting-resources.50878/

There are also groups you can join with like-minded men.

Three things I found extremely valuable are:
-getting an accountability partner; that forum is here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/accountability-partners.7/

-starting a journal and writing in it daily. You'll find that section under Reboot Logs. I would also suggest reading others' journals and other posts.

-interact with the guys here. You will find an amazing community of supportive, motivating guys all on the same journey as you are.

You don't have to do this alone. We're all in this together, and together we are stronger.

Welcome to NoFap, my friend! I'm proud of you for joining and glad you're here.

Best of luck to you!

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Jay

steveapac1 · May 25, 2018

Thank you so much Jay! I'm pleased that least one person had the patience to look through that whole thing!! Thanks for the compliment on the writing also

I will take on everything you've said and have already started to write down how I am feeling; it's already helping me. I will also look through those resources for new members over the next week. Thank you once again for checking in, I will make sure to follow your journey too!

Steve

P-Free · May 25, 2018

steveapac1 said: ↑

Thank you so much Jay! I'm pleased that least one person had the patience to look through that whole thing!! Thanks for the compliment on the writing also

I will take on everything you've said and have already started to write down how I am feeling; it's already helping me. I will also look through those resources for new members over the next week. Thank you once again for checking in, I will make sure to follow your journey too!

Steve
Click to expand...

You are very welcome, Steve! I'm one of those who enjoys long posts, both writing and reading. You're welcome for the compliment, too.

I'm glad I could help. The journaling has made a huge difference for me. So has connecting with others here. There are a lot of resources, so don't get overwhelmed. I'm almost at 28 days and I'm *still* learning new things. I'm glad to have you follow my journey and I look forward to yours, too. Congratulations on day 1, my friend! Way to go! Here's to an amazing day 2!

Jay

Deleted Account · May 25, 2018

steveapac1 said: ↑

Salutations to anyone who landed on this thread. I'm here because I've committed to making a momentous life change. I want to live a life free of my addiction to porn, masturbation and I say this with reluctance and shame, prostitution.

I heard a quote that anything you do for more than half your life becomes you. I started masturbating when I was around 12 years old and at the age of 23 it has become engrained in my habits. At such a young age, when I am brimming with potential and the desire to succeed in so many other areas of life, this monster keeps rising up from within my own abyss. Like the title hints, I have become so consumed by this that it feels like I am my own dictator. I regularly masturbate 2/3 times a day and find the urge to pay for sex so strong within me. When I masturbate I constantly find myself asking this questions '‘Was that honestly the best idea you had for solving the way you feel?'

Every time I hunch over the screen, it feels like a cry for help. The first thought I get before typing in po.... is some day I'm going to stop.

I may sound depressed or despondent, but this is far from the truth. 1.5 years ago I started on a journey of personal development that has changed the way I think. In this time, I completed my degree in Maths, started a mediation habit, read a book a week (around 80 books in total!), taught myself how to code myself, started eating healthy,repaired my relations with family, improved my self-esteem, reduced my stress and generally become a more conscious human being. But one thing lingers.

It feels like I'm at the end of the game and this is the final boss. I know there is a lot to go in life, I'm only 23 after all. But that is going to come up in a different game or something. This is the last thing in my past life that I have to deal with before moving on with proper adult life

But theres one more thing, something I had been avoiding, that I had subsumed because of my behaviour and situation. I want a girlfriend. I'd repressed this desire because I felt I was pervert. What girl would want a guy that had payed for sex? What girl would want a creep like me? I kept on pushing it further down. But I've had enough. This is the worst way to live my life. I deserve more.

Today, I start my way to the final hurdle. Except this is more like my own personal leviathan. Let's fucking do this. Stay tuned for more musings and dramatic prose (and hopefully some fucking humour once I get this momentum going!)

Peace!!
Click to expand...

Hi. Welcome to hell! Because this gonna be the hardest self improvement thing you have ever done. But that's great cos you will end up so much stronger once you walked through it.

Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!

steveapac1 · May 25, 2018

The Serpent of Fire said: ↑

Hi. Welcome to hell! Because this gonna be the hardest self improvement thing you have ever done. But that's great cos you will end up so much stronger once you walked through it.

Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
Click to expand...

I like the message! The biggest obstacles come with equal amounts of success lurking behind them.
Thank you, I intend to engaging with this community as much as possible!

steveapac1 · May 25, 2018

The Serpent of Fire said: ↑

Hi. Welcome to hell! Because this gonna be the hardest self improvement thing you have ever done. But that's great cos you will end up so much stronger once you walked through it.

Make sure you crate a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
Click to expand...

Also thank you for pointing me to the right place, I have copied this thread over to the log page!

Log in

Freedom from my own tyranny

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