Found myself a cougar...

Congrats!

I don't think the age is an issue if you're mentally the same place or at least compatible. You're 28 meaning a grown man so enjoy yourselves!

Regarding the sex, I am not the one to give advice for that. :b

 

Age is not an issue but your life priorities might be as they often change with age.She might want to have child as soon as possible since she is getting old. Do you? dont know her this is just an example to illustrate the point.

It should be viewed as good. Sex is good. Congrats, but be aware of chaser that might follow after sex.

 

I am a 40 year old female. Can a relationship work despite the age gap, sure but that really depends on what you are seeking long term. I hate to say this but more often than not women in my age range, choose younger men for one reason, sex. The men in our age range have already slowed down, started to have ED issues, and low sex drive. We on the other hand have just come into our sexuality and more often than not men our age simply cannot keep up. That aside, there is the issue of children. If you want children that is unlikely to be possible unless you get a move on it in a year or so. I don’t know you, you may be very mature, but myself I feel like I have little to nothing in common with 28 year old men or women for that matter. But hey men date younger women all the time, so go for it! Maybe she dan teach you a few things lol. Date and have a good time, absolutely though nothing wrong with that. With reference to what you do about being in the middle of a streak and dating there is no way around this, you have to tell her. You would have to tell her even if you were not in a streak, you need to reveal your past struggles and addiction. First if you do want to abstain obviously you have to tell her why. Don’t make up some bogus reason. The older women get (actually women and men) the least bs we are willing to put up with. You have to tell her because you may have ED issues during sex, and you want her to be prepared. YOu have to tell her if you want to continue in your sobriety. Many women do watch porn with partners, and you cannot do that, so just give her the benefit of letting her know what she is getting into and make a genuine decision as to if she wants to be with you. Lastly, if this does turn into a serious relationship, and she finds out later say 4 years from now when you relapse, she is going to be furious and see you as dishonest. How soon? Before you have sex the first time, or when you committ to each other, or when you see things starting to get serious, the sooner the better because if she is not going to be okay with it, she will never be okay with it, now or 10 years from now. Personally I have found that the older I get the more accepting I am of people, and since women my age are used to men with ED and sexual issues, its not as big of a deal as it may be to women in your age range.

 

Thanks for sharing that, man. I know where you're coming from, I tend to be attracted to older women almost as a rule. I've had 5 or so relationships with older women and I'll speak from that experience.

1) Absolutely you can learn from being with an older woman. They are more mature and laid back. Most of the childish fantasies are gone by then and reality is sinking in. But I also say be careful and look out for yourself. If she's coming out of a divorce, she will have emotional baggage. In 2013 I dated someone who got divorced and moved in with her mother. It was fun but soon I found out she wasn't stable. Nasty divorces are really stressful and women need emotional support. If you date her, sooner or later you'll probably have to provide this. Basically you'll be dealing with the consequences of her ex-husband's behavior. And that can be a huge stress on you. I learned that from experience.

If I were you, I'd make it very clear for myself what I want from the relationship before I go into it. Are you looking for a fling and some good time? Are you looking for something deeper and longer-term? With a younger woman it's easy to leave things open-ended, but with an older woman it's better to have a definite goal. Also remember she was 12 when you were born. She's more experienced than you and could play with your heart if she tried. Look out for yourself.

2) I went into NoFap while having some casual relationships. Soon tho I decided to drop them because I saw that I was addicted to the romance and sex. For me monk mode is working best.

I strongly disagree with this advice. I would not tell her about my personal struggles unless I decide to have a deeper relationship with her. And even then I would keep the discussion general. There are a lot of reasons for this. Check out the Sexaholics Anonymous pamphlet, at the bottom where it says A Caution: http://www.coloradosa.org/ToTheNewcomer.php

First, some people are prejudiced against addiction, pornography, etc. If you tell her, you risk that she won't understand your situation and instead react from her prejudice. Getting rejected because of this stuff is REALLY painful and can affect your reboot. Don't let that happen to you. You have no obligation to tell her if you're just dating or sleeping together casually.

I say, keep your recovery private until you know that you can trust someone. If you want the most powerful reboot, go monk mode. If you decide to have sex, keep your boundaries strong b/c reboot is a tough time emotionally.

Knowing what I know now, I've decided not to date older women anymore. If I want a family, I'll have to turn to women my age or younger eventually. And dating older women doesn't help. Here is the hard truth: older women have lower standards. And that doens't help your self-improvement. It's much better to be rejected by an attractive woman your age or younger than to sleep with an older woman. The first motivates you to improve yourself, the second makes you complacent. Yes, being with an older woman can be fun. But in the long run it can detract you from what really matters in your life. I don't mean to spoil the party, I'm just telling you what I've learned.

Check back in, tell us how the date went.

 

That’s a common reaction of addicts in recovery don’t tell her she might be prejudiced, but if you pop over to the SOs forum you will see that they disagree with that advice totally. There are people that are prejudiced against addicts yes. But someone who is prejudiced against an addict will always be prejudiced against an addict now, and five years from now. Addicts make the mistake of thinking that once she gets to know you she will be more okay with your addiction, nope not at all. See now not only are you a former or current addict you are also a liar which is 100 Times worse than being an addict. If you reveal say on date 3 there are some women that will walk and some that will stay. But if you don’t tell either of these women months in now BOTH will leave you because the one who would have never stayed in the first place will leave and now the one that would have stayed will leave because no one wants to date a liar. And make no mistake, failing to disclose something you know the other person would want to know (and yes you know women want to know because you are purposely not telling them as to not make them see you differently) is very much a lie. PMO addiction past present or future have a severe and detrimental effect on the SO even if it’s just sex. Full recovery from addiction can only happen with full honesty. Anyone who tells you differently is setting you up for failure. Why would you want to be with someone that finds you disgusting because of your past or present?

 

Honestly a younger men's dating a older women's or vice versa is not a bad thing because I do see younger men been in love with cougar and that's fine.

 

Cool go find them and bring them over for this man to see? Sound good?

 

I think it's important to focus on OP's concern and look out for his interests. That's what this forum is about. Urging someone to make a premature disclosure to a stranger is just bad advice.

I would not disclose the full extent of my addiction to any SO, no matter how long into a relationship, unless I had complete trust in them. Also, I would not disclose to anyone outside of the recovery community until I've finished rebooting and no longer consider myself an addict (this might take a few reboots). At that point, I say keeping things general is best, and also emphasizing all the positives that came out of my reboot.

Here's what I might say to a date for example: "When I was younger it used to be a challenge to deal with the intensity of my passion. You know how guys can get, right ? I would be overwhelmed by how strong my sexual energy was. I put a lot of work into this, and it brought me great benefits. I learned how to direct my energy towards things that are important in my life. I love sex and I've learned how to balance it with the rest of my life so I can enjoy it to the fullest. What about you, how do you see sex in your life?"

Is any of this a lie? No. Does it give my date everything she needs to know? Yes, pretty much. If she has questions she can ask. Does it expose me to prejudice? Not nearly as much as giving all the details off hand.

Framing is the most important thing. Keep it positive and make sure you're talking about PMO as a struggle that you've already overcome and that you've gained from.

 

Advising the OP not to disclose is not in his best interest if he is looking to develop a relationship, lying will screw it up and yes it is lying when you do not reveal something you know the other person would want to know. But truly it does not matter what I think, or you think, or even what the OP thinks it matters what the partner things, and there are very few that would not consider what you said above withholding and thus lying. Many women now just ask right out about porn addiction because it is becoming so prevalent. I a guy has ED in bed, and he’s young and otherwise healthy anymore this is the first question women are asking, because we are now aware. Even reading pop culture or advice columns it’s there. So if she asks you if you had or have a porn addiction, then I presume you would tell her right?

 

I think you have this covered. You sound like you are in a great headspace, and I am pulling for you, I hope it goes well. And I agree, telling on the first date is too soon, but waiting too long is too long.

 

That's some solid advice. If you show vulnerability, you better show the responsibility with it or you will be seen as a weak man and unattractive. Women like their men mysterious and strong but honest. All this disclosure about pmo and things is just stupid. Everybody outside the nofap community think watching a lot of porn and masturbating is normal so there is no addiction problem in their eyes . If she takes a younger guy and you will want to abstain from sex , good luck because virility its probably a reason she takes a younger guy.if you want to say you dont want to watch porn , just say it is because porn makes men weak and you like to be the best version of yourself .reframing indeed but the truth. if you have ed issues , oh well the love will have to be real because most women wont accept that if it happens a lot. they will stop calling you and find a bogus reason to tell u its not the right time.but hey sometimes you meet an amazing women who wants you for you.

to answer original post ; go for it!!! enjoy, have lots of sex!!!woman are amazing, sex can be amazing .my exgf was older and we had godlike sex, the coolest moment when they look at you after sex at you like you're their sex god . hmmm not the sex god at the moment rather a chill not-god now

 

I agree with you that most older women looking for younger men are looking for sex, or just a good time, and I am an older woman. That’s why the OP posed more of a problem than a normal relationship. If you have ED and all the woman is looking or is sex or a good time then you have to reveal why you have ED and ask for her help to work on it. The men our age already have ED, and we may be looking for a younger man to get away from that. It’s not “fun” to be in a relationship with a man that has ED,but it’s particularly not fun if all you want is some good sex. I think you should be careful about categorizing what all women want. I personally do want a man who can show he is vunerable, becasue you have to be vunerable to fall in love. And Honesty is the most attractive characteristics to me. So even presuming all of the ones you list above are important, if the guy lied, it would trump all of that. What I am saying is you could be the most strong non vunerable, mysterious (which I don’t find attractive) and viral man, if he’s a liar none of that matters.

 

Cougar huh? RAAAAAAAAAWRRR