Found my Prince Charming but he’s come clean about PIED

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Realitycheck, Mar 25, 2019.

  1. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    Feeling very lost and confused as I have only recently been exposed to Pied and the repercussions it has on a relationship.

    I have been dating a guy (29) for the last 8 months, initially it was the sexual attraction and chemistry that drew me to him but as we got to know each other I think he may be my “one”.
    Only problem is the sex slowly started to get less frequent due to him not being able to maintain an erection to a point now where I can’t even get him erect.
    At first he said it’s happened In every relationship and that when the newness fades he gets bored. He went to get physical exams to eliminate any possibility of something wrong but he admitted to me that it’s due to porn.
    After doing my own extensive research I have tried to better understand PIED and the Dos and donts but I am really struggling.
    This has shattered my self esteem and as much as he says it’s not me, he also says he’s finding it hard to initiate intimacy in any for because he’s got no drive at all.

    He’s told me he’s stopped watching porn now for about a month and stop masterbating for about 3 weeks now as he says he doesn’t want to lose me - we wait for him to feel like he needs a release to have any form of sex. This has helped him somewhat maintain an erection but it’s still difficult.

    I would just like some tips in dealing with this as it’s still very new for both of us.
    Also when it comes to sex/foreplay etc what are the Dos and donts?
    I want to make this as easy for him as possible but also salvage this relationship
  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    As he says, it's not you. This would have happened with any woman he would have been with. Still, this is not much of a comfort when this things happen, and I'm sorry.

    This guy have shown you great honesty. Many women find out after years of strange behaviour. Your boyfriend may have a problem, but he is not a liar.

    PIED occurs due to celebral changes in the brain structure. These are reversible as long as he abstain from porn, although it might take a while for these positive changes to kick in. The standard rebooting phase on here is 90 days, but for some it might take longer.

    During this time, some addicts choose to not have sex at all while others do. Sex in itself has a lot of benefits for the bonding between you two (oxytocin release), and it doesn't aggravate the addiction, although some claim the rebooting phase might take a little longer if you regularly engage intimately.

    There is not much you can "do" in bed for him to regain his erection during his healing phase. You are not porn, but a living, breathing loving woman. You are capable of bringing him a happiness pornography simply can't. Pornography is a compulsion and creates addiction regular sex fail to compete with. Not any kind of sex. Ever.

    Take solace in the fact that he is willing to sacrifice this evil in order to be with you. Sometimes this really sucks. Don't hesitate to turn for help when it feels rough!
  3. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much for your reply.
    I have extensively read posts on this forum to better understand the situation and yes I am lucky he has been so honest with me.

    He also said this would’ve happened with any girl and has previously happened in his past relationships- one of the main reasons he’s shied away from commitment

    I want our relationship to work and can’t fault anything else.
    I’m hoping as you say in a few months this will be a distant memory but I know this process can’t be easy and just want him to feel comfortable to speak to me should he have urges to go back to porn.
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    There is no quick fix for PIED. The time to recover from it can vary from person to person. My BF has been clean for over a year and it still comes and goes. I do know he hasn't relapsed. We're doing a 30 hard reboot now, I may push it to 60 or 90 days. I'm not sure right now. Your BF needs to address the underlying cause to his PA or it will continue to be a problem in the future. He needs to give up PMO, many guys want to bring back masturbation later but IMO that is a really bad idea. It is a slippery slope and for many leads back to full blown PMO. For you, please don't try to replace p. You can't and don't want to. Make sex about connection, not about orgasm. My BF has said if he has any urges he'd come to me and that bothered me. I figured out why, it was because he had an urge to cum, not to be with me. I felt it didn't matter if it was me, his hand or someone else. I was just a means to an end.
    Hopefully your BF is staying away from all forms of p, PMO, p-subs, ogling, fantasies. P-subs, ogling and fantasies seem to trap many recovering PA, 'It's not p so it is ok' but it still has the same effect on the brain.

    It's hard, it's a lot of work. It is emotionally draining, but I feel you are in a better place than many of us SO's. Your BF opened up to you early, hopefully the damage was minimal. Whatever happens you both have support here if you need it.
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much- I think you are right as I have told him the same thing to come to me when he has urges but yes this could just be about the orgasm and not the connection.
    For me sex and intimacy in a relationship is huge and as such a young couple it’s really difficult to accept.
    I know there is no set time on recovery but I would like to believe that we could look back at this one day and have a pretty normal sex life.

    A big thing for me, which I haven’t seen in many posts is the lack of sex drive it’s causing- is this normal?
    I’m being patient in letting him initiate intimacy but sometimes I have to encourage or make suggestions to him as he feels no sexual urges towards me.

    In terms of the ogling and p-subs- I mentioned these to him and ogling he seems to think is a normal male reaction to an attractive girl?
    P-subs he agreed is a no no but i somewhat feel that this is sometimes not avoidable thanks to social media.
    He is planning a bachelors soon and the idea of a strip club is making me quite anxious, should I be?
    Also the guys find it amusing to share stupid posts or videos of random half naked girls which he’s shown me but it upset me that he had watched this hadn’t deleted it.
    He did delete it after my reaction though.

    I really appreciate all the feedback!
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, but I don't feel like he is in recovery. Strip club? HELL FUCKING NO! That is one of my boundaries. Your BF sounds to be a 'dry drunk'. Ogling is only normal because society seems to think it is ok to do, it is a learned behavior. Noticing an attractive person is normal, it is not something you can control. Ogling, that is controllable. He can avoid most p-subs if he wants to, many here have given up social media. It is also how he deals with them. If he lingers over them, or searches them out or 'stores' the images in his head for later, that is a problem. Back to the bachelors party, why does he have to go to a strip club? Because that is what is expected, that is the 'norm'? He needs to get out of that mindset. He needs to do what is best for him, you and the relationship. If he insists on doing this because... whatever reason, that speaks volumes about where he is currently. For me, that is a deal breaker. I wouldn't stand for it.
    He is watching and holding onto videos his friends send him? He is doomed to fall back into p at some point. He needs to 'man up' and tell them not to send him these things. He needs to stand up for himself and you/your relationship. If they keep doing it they are not friends and will just drag him down. My Bf had 'friends' like this, they are no longer friends. You don't need people that want to drag you down in your life.

    Lack of sex drive seems to be pretty common for many PA, it is called a flatline. It can last days or weeks. Possibly longer for some. His brain needs to rewire itself but it is going to be hard to impossible if he keeps up those bad behaviors. Has he done any research on PA? is a good place to start. There are also a lot of good books out there. Many PA go to therapy and/or SA/SAA meetings and find them helpful. Just stopping rarely works out for long.

    Like you, sex and intimacy are a big deal for me. I'd be happy to have it every day, even more than once a day. For me that made this so much harder because I never refused him, was always ready. He would refuse me and that has left deep scars that I hope can heal one day.
    If your bf gives his all to recovery, is serious about it I do believe one day you can have a normal sex life. But this is up to him. I see so many red flags in his behaviors, he still has a very long way to go. I just hope he doesn't damage you too much in the process. I've been dealing with this with my bf for over 16 years, there are scars. I've been changed. Over a year clean and I still have gaping wounds. Make sure you take care of yourself, there is only so much you can do to help him. He needs to want to help himself before you can do anything. If he isn't there there is nothing you can do. Good luck.
  7. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    Ah gosh everything you say makes sense, I’m really anxious that this could be the reason we don’t work but I’ve never felt such a connection with anyone before so I’m holding onto that.
    I suffer from depression already and really hope that this is worth the patience and understanding it’s already asked of me.

    He doesn’t seem to think the strip club for a bachelors is an issue as he says the hardest thing for him is the no masterbating rather than the porn. Although he sounds genuine I think he hasn’t quite realized the effects small things such as p-subs, ogling etc fuel his mind.

    I think he needs to research this a lot more to realize what is actually going on as it seems that I’m more clued up on it than he is.
    I also know he feels uncomfortable as any guy would talking about it. But most importantly I guess I need to accept what you said that he has to help himself I can’t do that.
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I agree with everything @Numb said. I think he's still very much in 'addict-thinking.' Is he here on nofap? If not, would he be willing to come here and read some of the posts and journals of some of the more successful and experienced PA's in recovery? It may open his eyes more to hear it from others who've been where he is. Numb's bf is on here along with some others who are very helpful for those starting out in recovery. @Wade W. Wilson has a great journal and so does his wife @Jagliana
    Jagliana, Wade W. Wilson and Numb like this.
  9. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    Yes I think it would be a good idea for him sign up here, he hasn’t as of yet.
    I just need to think of how to sensitively suggest it so as not to seem overbearing.

    Like I said he seems to think that porn and mainly the masterbation is the issue not the p-subs or other triggers :(

    I did mention that perhaps the strip
    Club wasn’t a good idea for his recovery and he said it’s a special circumstance as the best man and that strippers don’t effect him like porn does.

    I think it’s very awkward for him talk about so I’m trying to make it as comfortable as possible for him to open up but this usually only happens when I raise the topic.
    hope4healing likes this.

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