For those who've rebooted in a relationship

I think it was around day 60ish for us. But if it feels right to you, maybe try it? For us it just kind of happened, it wasn't really planned, so we went with it.

 

We have never done no O. Just no PM. It is what has been working for us.

 

Hi @Torn

When I quit, I gave up P and M forever and decided that O would only ever be with my wife.

Spoiler: potential triggers

I made this decision knowing that my wife usually only wants to make love every 10 days or so whereas for me P (usually edging without O) had become a daily habit. PIED was one of the main reasons that I wanted to quit - it had got to the stage that I was rarely able to maintain an erection long enough for PIV sex. My wife has never liked fellatio, so my O's had mostly been by her hand, while hers were through oral, toys, my hands or hers.

The early stages of my reboot seemed to be unaffected by the fact that my wife and I made love every 10 days or so and that my wife brought me to O with her hands at that time. I experienced all the things that those in 'hard mode' report - strong urges, physical withdrawal symptoms etc. I consciously focussed more on my wife outside the bedroom and put more effort into all aspects of our marriage. Even as a PA, I had never 'gone off' sex with my wife, but during reboot I craved intimacy with her all the more and particularly wanted hugs, cuddles and skin to skin contact - whether or not those led to sex. I did experience the chaser effect powerfully the day after I O'd at my wife's hand but was strong enough to resist the urge to MO in response.

My reboot was successful. I did not relapse at all and the PIED also improved steadily throughout. My wife has always liked O through PIV best so I am really pleased that I am now able to enter her whenever she wants and stay hard for as long as she needs me to. The combination of better sex for her, my putting more into the relationship and better communication during the reboot has strengthened the marriage and we are also having more frequent and better sex than for many years. ALL my sexual thoughts are about her and when I get strong urges, which I still do, they are always about making love to her in one way or another.

Every couple is different, but my suggestion would be that you cuddle and hug often and allow that to progress to love-making when you both want to. In your love-making, I suggest that the focus should be on his paying attention to your needs and bringing you to O. This should help to put you back at the centre of his sexual thoughts and help with the rewiring process. I suggest that at this stage of his reboot, you should restrict his O's to no more than one per week. From my own experience, I don't believe that the O itself will set-back his progress and strongly associating his O's with making love to you can only be a good thing. The only potential downside to this is that he is likely to spend more of his time thinking about sex and his urge to MO may become stronger, particularly the day after his O, due to the chaser effect. You should discuss this beforehand and be prepared for it - planning a busy day for the day after he O's for example. Keep talking about the new regime and make sure you are both happy it is working for you. If he is strong enough (as I was) to manage the potentially higher urges, then together you can have the best of both worlds - beating his addiction and rediscovering the joys of making love together to strenghten your bond.

Good luck!

ANH

 

I think it depends on how long/deep the addiction is. The "standard" seems to be 90 days. I made it about 70 last time. Trying for the full 90 again. Wife is just too damn sexy.

 

We need to reset our counter as a couple right now but when we were going through the first reboot (I’d have to check my old journal to be 100% sure but) I think we make it around 30days no PMO then went no PM limited O. We limited O because I have a higher sex drive and this helps him keep up with me. Before our reset he was definitely getting better at being able to O several times a week without needed to much recovery time. Its really up to the couple though. There are many couples who only refrain from PM during reboot. It’s all really what works for the two of you.

 

On my experience, I never started PMO, I started PM from the beginning, because I didn't want my wife to suffer from "no love making period". I thought it would ruin her more. Making love with my wife helped me a lot with my low self esteem, even though I suffered from flatlining fro two weeks.
I haven't notice any chaser effect after I "O"ed. She loves my progress and that is a huge lift for my self esteem!!
Furthermore, I've set as a "reboot period" for me the 200 days PM free, a little longer than the double PMO standard pattern.