For SOs - Do you ever wish you never knew?

I find knowledge very enlightening. I would rather know I'm with a person who can't be trusted, so I can decide what to do about it, than live confused in ignorance. The time before d-day was "better", but it was not good. I kept wanting to fix our relationship. I kept putting so much of my energy into thinking that, if only I could help him get closer to me, everything would be fine. I was wrong, because I didn't know about his addiction. While I was buying yet another "let's work on our relationship" online course, he was surfing porn and p-subs and sexual fantasy 100% of his spare time! I wasn't even aware his heart was NOT into fixing anything with me. He was 100% into hiding and lying.

Yes, it seemed better, but it wasn't. Now I know...

 

Personally I was so happy that I knew. I finally had the answers to his behavior and why he shut me out emotionally. I think had I never found out I don't think the relationship would have lasted and he honestly doesn't know if he would have asked me to marry him or not because he would feel so guilty for tricking me into marriage when I didn't know the whole story. He said even if he did go through with marrying me it wouldn't have been good since I eventually would have found out. I am glad that I found our prior to us getting married, working through it, and then getting married knowing we both have come closer from this (but we have been in this for over a year since dday, took a while to get to this point).

 

I'm glad I know. It explains a lot. It would be easier to just go on like things were, not knowing, but that was going downhill over the years, I just didn't know why.

 

I hear you @EyesWideOpen . I sometimes feel the same way. I have been with my SO 18 years-I think the other respondants to this thread have been with their partners only a few years (correct me if I am incorrect ladies!). I think the length of time makes it even harder because we have so much more history and experiences we have to rewrite. Realizing that our perception was wrong about certain events. Like "oh that is why he didn't come with the kids and I that day, or that is why he suggested we try out XYZ in the bedroom". We just have more memories that we have to work through and it is exhausting. Exhausting to realize that for decades our spouses weren't who they said they were. The betrayal went on for so long So yes I completely get where you are coming from. Knowing was necessary, but I miss how my brain wasn't taken up 85% of the time with this betrayal. I miss not being triggered every 10 freaking minutes. I wish that disclosure wpuld have happened a few years in. Not 18.

 

15 years here. And yes, so many things over the years explained. My whole reality in question. I do hate all of the negatives you listed. I would still want to know. I hate being lied to more than anything else.

 

YES. This is the worst part.

 

I agree. And he doesn't understand it. He's like no all those things we shared, they were real, they really happened. But to me they all feel like a lie. I have no idea what is true and what isn't because I was being lied to the entire time, I just didn't know it. It not only makes me not trust him, it makes me question myself.

 

EXACTLY. My husband doesn't understand this either. He says that only the PMO was a lie but he doesn't undetstand how it infiltrated everything.

 

Finding out answered a lot of questions for me but it also changed the way I looked at him. He was no longer perfect and he fell off his pedestal. He was now human. I do miss how I romantasized him though. Like he was different than any other man on the face of the earth.

 

We've been together a long time.
About half as long as you @Sadgirl. (our anniversary is actually around the corner, so I have been rounding up the last couple weeks, but I won't for this post)
I, personally, am glad I know.
I'm glad it's over.
I'm glad our life isn't going to be consistent with this in the background noise anymore.
It would have gone how it was going to go.
I'm glad I know because if I didn't, then I would have had to live with the PIED.... Which is worse.
It's a way worse feeling of rejection.
I have answers now.
I can heal and he can heal and we can be naked together.
I don't think with this in the way we ever truly were before.
Now we can just be us.

 

No.

But then when things were good, P wasn't an addiction. Ogling and objectification weren't an issue. Suppressing emotions and inappropriately dealing with stress were though.

So even though I thought everything was okay he was still lying to me. Smoking when he said he had quit. Drinking more behind my back. Having road rage when I wasn't in the car even though we had discussed how unhealthy and unnecessary the behavior was. Unfortunately it took me finding his excessive P collecting for him to see that those other secrets and PM were covering up what the real concern was. His understanding of his self-value and self-worth.

Honestly, D-day happened because it was meant to happen. I get so angry sometimes, but then I remind myself, if it wasn't P, what could it have been? Shot by a fellow road rager? Crashed into oblivion or killed a child drunk driving? Cancer from smoking? None of those other issues escalated because he was able to reason with himself how they impacted his health and our relationship. P didn't fit his mind set of creating pain and trauma back then so he pursued it instead thinking it was "healthier" for both of us. D-day needed to happen to save himself and save our relationship.

For so long I wished he had just kept smoking or drinking, but now I am glad he hasn't. I would much rather have him healthy and alive longer, than have him realize too late that he had been compensating and supressing his emotions all along. And have him dead before he could really show each of us the love we deserve.

We just finished watching a show about a couple married 76yrs. He massaged my leg, squeezed me and hugged me throughout. I hope to enjoy more of that in the future.

There is an end in sight. You'll get there. I know I will too, eventually. ❤️❤️