Focusing on Me

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Broken3, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    “Healing”

    Healing is a journey. Possibly a lifelong one since betrayal usually happens at various times throughout our life. It can dredge up and compound hurt that we may have even thought we were past.

    I often try to see or predict what the future holds. I’ll get anxious over outcomes I see in my head about scenarios that haven’t even played out. I worry and doubt and try to figure out things that aren’t mine to figure out. Life isn’t mean to be figured out. It’s meant to be lived with a purpose. If we are constantly trying to figure it out we will miss the purpose. We’ll miss the good parts if we dwell on only the bad. We’ll miss the amazing things about life and people if we focus our attention on the flaws.

    So today in this moment I’m grateful for this wonderful breeze. I’m grateful the sun is shining, flowers are growing and blooming. I’m grateful that my husband finished the beautiful landscape out front. That my husband & daughter finished my spool table project together so I can enjoy the front porch. I’m grateful that I can enjoy this moment to myself in the middle of the day because I have the flexibility of working from home. I’m grateful that God painted the world with so many amazing colors for my eyes to take in an enjoy.

    And all of that is just what I’m grateful for in this moment as I sip coffee on the front porch.
     
  2. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    This is so true. I am definitely guilty of doing this All. The. Time. ;) Thank you for the reminder. All we can control is our own actions and reactions. Attitude is everything and I’m aiming for grateful as well. My goal is to be happy with who I am as I work toward who I want to be. Hugs and happiness to you :).
     
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  3. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :) hugs back & happiness to you as well!!
     
  4. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    Oh yeah and I decided I’d do a new journal for a new journey. :D
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    this is SO NICE! through all the crap, the betrayal, the continued disappointments, the looking at your own stuff - through all of that you have arrived at an uber-healthy place in my completely amateur opinion. it's so good to see. it's a badly needed breath of fresh air in this hospital.

    you inspire me. I'm sure you inspire others - hopefully lots of SOs.

    best wishes and God-speed on this Journey, part deux.
     
  6. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you friend! I’m not sure I’ll ever actually “arrive” at that place but I want to make the most out of the journey to getting there. ;) I want to like myself and I do hope I inspire others to see things through a different lense. A hopeful positive one.
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Following, hope you have a good weekend :)
     
    Broken3 likes this.
  8. Can you please figure out how to bottle up this hope for healing that I read in your words? I'll pay you a million dollars.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Me too @Broken3
     
    Broken3 likes this.
  10. CLAW59

    CLAW59 Fapstronaut

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    And I'm grateful for the coffee. Wonderful post. :)
     
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  11. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    “Humility”

    I got upset with him last night. I got frustrated because after pleasing him sexually I wanted that gratification in return. I just needed him to “pretend” to be into it..into me. His efforts seemed lazy & uninterested. It turned me off & I got grouchy.

    This morning before my run I decided to humble myself & apologize. Our sexual intimacy isn’t supposed to be about self gratification but about making our partner feel good. It’s not all about the O. Sometimes that’s a sacrifice. Sometimes it’s putting yourself second. That of course should never become a habit of one sided sacrifice. But that’s a part of love...sacrifice.

    I felt good apologizing for making a fuss about something that in the grand scheme, is small. This way he knows that I’m not unreasonable and the things that I do get upset about are relevant and need to be worked on & addressed.

    I’m grateful that he’s been present while he’s been home. Spending time with kids, helping them be productive instead of just trying to be in video games. He’s been keeping everyone occupied while I’ve been crazy busy with work. I’m glad I humbled myself.

    Sometimes humbling ourselves is hard since we can justify the way we feel. In reality, we are responsible for our feelings. He didn’t make me feel that way, I chose to feel that way. Because of how I was thinking about the situation in my head. Thing is, he was exhausted! It was very late, we had a bit too much to drink and it was round two for the day for him, which takes a lot out of him. So, I self reflected and felt that maybe I overreacted a bit. If I have certain expectations I need to discuss them with him instead of assuming he just knows what I want.
     
  12. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :)
     
  13. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    “Intuition vs. Insecurity”

    I read this article today (I attached the link) that I felt really explained this well.

    We all have intuition and sometimes we might just be being paranoid. But how do we know the difference?

    I loved how this articulated how to tell the difference. Of course it may not pertain to everyone but it certainly hit home for me.


    https://www.reviewjournal.com/life/how-do-you-know-you-can-trust-your-spouse/
     
  14. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Ohhh, very good link. Obviously written for the SO perspective and incredibly relevant. But since we know that any of the various sexual addictions (including PMO) are rooted in intimacy issues, I found the article really beneficial for the PA as well.

    It’s well documented that any sex addiction often involves the PA confusing sex with love, but I think this article highlights another confusion that’s a little more subtle for the PA: mistaking fear as intuition. Think about it, how many journals have you read where the PA writes about not wanting to tell his SO about the addiction because he “knows” she won’t be able to handle it, she will be crushed, devastated, etc... The PA believes this is intuition that he knows this. But this is not intuition - it’s fear. It’s fear that if he lets on that he’s not superman and that he’s a normal human with the imperfections and flaws of a normal person that he will be abandoned. He’s carrying the fear that he’s unloveable in his rawest vulnerable form, but confusing it as intuition that his SO simply can’t handle the truth.

    I know this was very much the case with me. Rather than pour my story out in your journal, I’ll just say thank you for the very profound link. I know it wasn’t exactly your intention to address the PA perspective, but it did and in a unique way. Thanks B3!
     
  15. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    So true. Very beautifully written.

    This is so important! And not just in our situations but in everyday relationships and life. Whether SO, PA, parent, child, liberal, conservative, rich, poor, we are our own boss of what our life is and becomes. Thank you for expressing these reflections. ♥️
     
  16. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    You are welcome to pour your story out wherever you want ;). This journey is not just my own. We are all on this journey together..just trying to figure it out the best we can! :)
     
  17. CLAW59

    CLAW59 Fapstronaut

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    That's right. :emoji_thumbsup:
     
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  18. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I’m working on being passionate about making myself better ;)
     
  19. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    It’s been a while since I updated...

    I’m still working on me. Loving me. Been working out, treated myself to a massage the a few was ago and scheduled another in a few weeks. Took the kids to the shore for a weekend when McFly was away. I’m loving on me as much as I can. As much as I can afford..haha.

    I’ve been in a good place.

    I think I was depressed for a while and I was most definitely experiencing anxiety. I reminded myself that I refuse to let this consume me. I’ve been held down by this PA junk for too long.

    I decided to let it go...
    Change my mindset to a healthy one...
    I’ve accepted it...

    Not allowing it but I accept that I’m not perfect and my husband isn’t perfect. I’m going to mess up and so is he.

    I’m not going to micromanage, drive myself insane checking up on him or making him do things & jump through hoops.

    I’m not going to get anxious when he’s away or worry about him cheating on me. All things come to light so IF it were to happen then I’d have to deal with that then. Worry now does me no good.

    If I think we aren’t doing well or if I think he’s distant or messing up I’ll let him know & we’ll deal with it.

    I’m focused on the positives right now. In this season of our life & relationship. He was receptive to my last little tantrum. He implemented changes and has been consistent. We’ve been building spiritual intimacy and I’ve been building a stronger spiritual relationship with God myself. That has progressed our healing, communication and relationship as a whole.

    I’m happy and for the first time in a while I feel normal (if there is one) & free. And it’s liberating!
     
  20. Broken3

    Broken3 Fapstronaut

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    “Spoke too soon”

    We ironically had a bit of a tif the night after I wrote my update.

    It really pissed me off bc I had felt we were making so much progress and BAM here we were...he made a rudish comment, I snapped back & he called me spiteful. I was pissed, he was pissed. When I tried to communicate about what transpired he stonewalled then tried gaslighting me. I WAS FUMING!! I called him out on it all, textbook IA behavior!! Things I allowed for years because I didn’t understand it like I do now. I left it at “when your ready to communicate like an adult we can, until then I’m just going to sit here and continue to stew about all this..while I sip on this glass of wine”.

    He must have thought about that. Thought about what he knows about IA now too, because he initiated talking it out and eventually even apologized for the part of where it all went wrong. I also apologized for the part I played and thanked him for manning up.

    PROGRESS for sure! In the past a situation like that would have drug on for at least a day or more without resolution. We would either ignore we ever had an altercation and go on pretending things were peachy or he’d wait until I was completely pushed far enough away that he’d humble himself to talk or apologize.

    I also relapsed again the other day when he was at work. I told him last night. He said he’s been doing awesome and said it was actually strange to hear that I’ve been messing up. He wanted to know what “we” could do to help me with it.

    I like the feeling that we are actually on the same team. That’s what marriage is supposed to be. A team, working together for the best outcome of the entire team. If one person falls, the other is there to help them back up & cheer them on. Motivate & encourage each other. Sure you may want to trip your teammate on occasion but ultimately you should want the best for them & the team.
     

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