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Focused excessively on how the woman feels? (sex/porn and everyday life)

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by ultrafabber, Mar 19, 2019.

Who are you focused on during sex?

  1. On yourself and your own sensations

    2 vote(s)
    40.0%
  2. On the woman and how she feels

    3 vote(s)
    60.0%
  1. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    The was a topic here recently named Wanting to be the woman in porn https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/wanting-to-be-the-woman-in-porn.215835/ and while it wasnt true for me, i can't help but notice similarities and how focused or rather completely absorbed i used to be on how women feel.

    When i used to watch porn, i specifically searched for women in extasy/orgasming and i was always focused on them. When i had sex i always thought how me doing X makes her feel. I was always focused on pleasing them. In real life, most of what i said or did was centered on how would the woman feel/react.

    Basically, all of my life so far has been about how women feel and how women react to me (or others). In short, how does the woman perceive me. (even during sex).

    But most of my life has never been about how I feel. If i feel good or not, if i am tired or not, uncomfortable or not. I'm just wondering if that has been the same for you?

    Have you been focused on women's reactions/feelings or on your own?
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  2. This really hits home for me, and probably the biggest the lie of porn is to fake how the woman is feeling. They are professional actresses. It's not real. But watching it so many times tricks us into believing that's how sex always is. I've read from many women who don't feel anything during sex, which is why "faking it" is such a common joke because it is a common occurrence.

    That said, the big problem is that it distracts us from the main focus of our life: helping others in real ways.
     
  3. Yeah I have this problem, too. I put 100% of my effort into ensuring that the girl is having the best ever sex that it just ends up terrible for both of us -- typically with a shrivelled up dick. I do think it's important to pay attention to your partner, but you've also got to ensure that you're mindful of the experience too.

    And despite being 30-years-old, I'm only really just beginning to learn that sex isn't just about pounding away. It's actually about being connected physically. What a wild idea!
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019
  4. John_K

    John_K Fapstronaut

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    My past is full of putting me first. I was unbelievably selfish looking back, proven by countless hours sitting watching porn. My pleasure came first.
    I'm trying what is probably a very controversial program by Sierra Parker which advocates restarting intimacy through putting her first. MO is eliminated through use of a chastity device. Yes, I'm locked up. My wife has the keys and I couldn't be happier. This was my idea and she was willing to try this if it helped me overcome PM.
    Since we began, I have become much more attentive to her. My focus is turning to her. M is not an option, so we decide together when and what is appropriate sexually.
    In the past I thought I was a good husband because when we had sex, I always made sure she was satisfied (a vibrator got her off). We haven't used the vibrator in a month because I have learned that getting her to the edge before I even let her unlock me makes things so much better. It's not about me. Seeing how she responds when I truly focus on her is further evidence that my selfish behavior was killing our relationship. I think we're on the road to reestablishing a great relationship, even though the means is rather unorthodox.
     
    Deleted Account and Luke18 like this.
  5. RollerCoaster

    RollerCoaster Fapstronaut

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    oh man, this shit is real....
     
  6. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, whatever works....the path to happiness is not written in a codex.
     
    Luke18 likes this.
  7. SuperiorMan95

    SuperiorMan95 Fapstronaut

    Very interesting. I think it has to do with our fem centric society. As men, we are rarely taught to be proud of our masculinity. We are always told that we are deficient and "toxic". This probably causes you to be subconsciously focused on a "fem-centric" reality. Also get your T levels checked.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I also feel this way often though not always.

    It's not a bad thing. You care about others. It means you're compassionate. If/when you get married (assuming you aren't already) you'll have a really happy wife. Because you will always be concerned with how she feels.
     
  9. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I don't think it's so straight forward... especially considering other topics that describe identifying WITH the woman. The thing is, when you masturbate you have BOTH the role of the woman and of the male which more than likely messes up things.
     
    SuperiorMan95 and TimeToQuitNow like this.
  10. I suspect this may be part of my issue. i spent so much of my energy trying to emotionally fix my wife ready for sex again, that i havent made a proper study of my PMO
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I agree with you when it comes to masturbation. If you are watching porn imagining that you are the woman then it can lead to strange sexual ideas. If that's not what you are talking about please clarify.

    Regardless, whatever you are feeling should be solved by quitting masturbating. If masturbating makes you think of the woman in the sense that you want to be her it's a problem with a clear solution.

    That being said all I was saying is there is nothing wrong with making a woman feel good in a non-sexual way (or sexual for that matter). People have needs and in a healthy relationship you should be kind and carrying to your partner. If you enjoy helping them and making them feel good then you both win.

    However, you shouldn't do it too the extent that you suffer. If that is the case then the relationship will suffer and you both will lose in the end. Just set some boundaries and you should be fine. And don't feel bad about carrying/worrying about how the woman feels. The world needs more men like that :)
     
  12. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I definitely didn't THINK i was the woman when i used to masturbate to porn but what i'm saying is that you're inevitably the woman anyway through the act of masturbation and that you're not really the man either since you're watching another man.

    I used to be perfectly fine masturbating to "straight porn" and now i just can't it's weirding me out.
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  13. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Oh ok I see what you are saying now. I never watched a lot of straight porn. When I first started watching porn I only watched lesbian porn cause I didn't want to see another man's penis. I guess you could say I was 2 women then haha.

    In a strange way it's good that you weirded out by "straight porn" cause now you won't watch it. Stretch that out to all porn and your addiction will be cured.

    Best of luck to you
     
  14. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    added a poll to this and bumped it. i am curios to see if other men struggle(d) with this.
     

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