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Flip Phone Fiasco

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn, Apr 16, 2018.

Which should my husband use?

  1. Smart phone

  2. Flip phone

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Oh, good to hear! :)
     
  2. So many twists and turns in this thread... I should learn to not comment before reading. Lol hope it all worked out!
     
  3. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    If only flip phones were usable for email. I would love to go back to one. Weeks of battery life, no stupid pointless apps, no internet addiction driven madness, and it comes with simplified uncomplicated lifestyle, for free!
     
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    As many of the PA already have said, it isn't a technology problem, it is a integrity problem.

    I too used the excuse I need a smart phone for work, and would have felt embarrassed going back to a flip phone I last had in 2005.
    The truth is, if I didn't have a smart phone my company would have bought me one. That would have been worse because my wife would not have access to every media choice I make.

    About being embarrassed to carry a dumb phone. Part of me wants to scream as you, "haha serves you right, the world isn't only about how you feel, I am embarrassed to be in a relationship with a wanking PA, so deal with it!" But that's not nice either. Vengence isn't love.

    The most practical solution was a to have a smart phone with clear understandable boundaries.
    I have had accountability software ever since DDay. My SO can always know everywhere I go, everything I do. Across the last 7 months of my recovery I can't think of a time her software has stopped me from going to shady places. I own my choices and my defiance. I never tried to circumvent the software either. So I don't believe it is much of a deterrent..for me anyway. Respect and Healing are what keep me in line.

    However, one added benefit of monitoring software is, when my psub or near edging has happened I could not lie. No spin, no manipulation, no crazy-making would work when the visual transcript is in here posession. Honesty is vitally important in relationship repair and me seeing my transgressions and not bury or disguising the truth has helped me learn what my wife has always known. We deal with setbacks much sooner, she points out patterns, and I am getting out of the habit of my first response to be denial.

    Another added bonus is she can see on her own, my successes. If she has a low moment or is curious why I was on my device so long it's all there. Her endless anxious suspicions about me can almost be as bad for her as my acting out itself. The app gives her some much needed mind relief and reassurance.

    So I have a smart phone, I used to turn it into her everyday when I came home from work. She would return it to me as I kissed her goodbye every morning. This went on for months, and in that time I got to where it wasn't important to even have my phone on me. I quit carrying my phone as much, but more importantly I quit carrying guilt around. Commucation improved, more time engaged with the family, and a less zombie faced man emerged.

    It should never ever be a problem for a spouse to turn over thier phone to one another. Apprehension in this regard is a tell tale sign of something not good.

    2 ideas of caution:
    First: phone or no phone if a PA wants P he will get it. He can buy it in print form, he can obtain another device, use a camera, go to shady places etc. The mind wants what the mind wants. Outward solutions cannot fix internal problems. Getting his head straight is the only solution.

    Second: at some point the SO will need to put the monitoring transcripts down and TRUST. Maybe not soon and after some huge strides need to occur, but eventually we need to feel as if our efforts are good enough. Suspicions are not reality, and we all know where living outside of reality leaves us.

    To @TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn , I hope you find a solution and health in this crazy journey. It's not any easy thing to forgive and grow. You are remarkable for what you are doing. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  5. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone. @Reverent hit the nail on the head. My husband has chosen to give up P for me and for his own mind's sake, so the semantics of the phone and software are irrelevant at the end of the day. Sure I can never be 100% confident that he's not looking or thinking about it, but he knows the boundaries and it's his choice to make, and no amount of nagging or ultimatums are going to help. He's a good guy and I love him (at least today, lol) and I can't give him the chance to make this better if I'm building more walls between us.
     
    Reverent and Numb like this.

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