First time and hopefully last

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Glorydreams, Aug 17, 2017.

  1. Glorydreams

    Glorydreams Fapstronaut

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    *POSSIBLY TRIGGERING* *Long read, first post*
    I have used porn for 18 years and I have never felt comfortable with it, but did not know what else to do, due to a physical disorder I did not understand until recently. I started watching pornography when I was ten and like everyone, it started with some light stuff, but I was easily triggered by simple things. I remember when I was a child, I checked out a tattoo magizine, because I liked to draw and I came across an explicit tattoo and found myself aroused. I was ashamed, but didn't tell anyone. When I was thirteen I began dating the boy across the street in secret (whom was three years my senior) and this began my exploration with m. He introduced me PMO and would shame me if I showed no arousal, or showed too much arousal. He would tell me I needed to look like the women he found attractive, and tell me that he was not normally attracted to girls of my race, but I was a pretty one, so I was lucky. Self shame and confusion got worse and I wanted to leave this earth several times. After that relationship ended I met my first husband and we began watching together, only for me to find out he was going to adult clubs and secretly Ming while I was sleeping. It broke me and I hated him for it, but felt like a hypocrite for using it myself. He would deny me intimacy and it was all I had to curve my disorder. That marriage failed and I was broken and found myself looking for love immediately after. I had two relationships built on lies and was so hurt. One night while out will a less-than friend I was left alone while drinking and taken advantage of. I had hit a low and had no one, couldn't tell anyone, because I felt it was my fault for being out. It ate at me, I threw away all my clothes and sheets and even after trying to tell my less-than friend, she told me sometimes that just happens. I gave up and turned to P. I would sometimes stay in my room all day watching and Ming with each o becoming more and more painful and less enjoyable, but I needed relief.
    I met my now husband and he chased me for a full month and now almost six years and two kids later, I realize how much damage pmo has done. In the beginning of my current marriage we were open about our watching, but didn't watch together. I didn't feel right Ming without him and would confess every time he came home. To him it was no big deal, but to me it is. During a gyno appointment I explained to the doctor the symptoms of my new found disorder and finally got an answer. I suffer from PGAD (persistent genital arousal disorder) it's painful and unrelenting, but I can fight it. After finding this out my pmo slowed and I was hoping that would inspire my husband to slow as well, but it came to a point where I was not sure if our marriage could overcome his use. I have been almost six months pmo free and am hoping to remain this way.

    I am wondering, has anyone had withdrawal symptoms?? I find myself feeling very anxious and getting headaches, also I have always had issues sleeping, but it seems almost non-exsistent now. Also, random flashbacks of things I've viewed, do they ever go away?
     
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  2. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

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    All i can say is it is a complex issue. hopefully, we will all survive it somehow and marriages as well.
     
  3. Glorydreams

    Glorydreams Fapstronaut

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    It scares me how easily people throw away their lives for something so superficial and empty. I just hope to do better, as a couple completely.
     
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  4. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

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    I dont know exactly what the solution is. I think it comes down to taking self responsibility. Even if you are a couple, each person has to take the responsibility on their own shoulders to stay away from porn themself. This may even mean staying away from fantasies building up in their heads. Without each person in the partnership doing that, it is extremely difficult to have a healthy marriage or relationship.

    I think one solution is being religious together. Another solution is working out together or encouraging each other to work out on a regular basis. Also, no matter what happens to keep trying in bed. Even if there are failures with intimacy, to keep trying and not give up that aspect of the relationship. I think the more lack of communication there is or lack of intimacy, it is not helpful. Its just my opinion, it may be different for everyone else. When I say maintain the sexual intimacy, I do not mean every day. I mean at whatever frequency you deem appropriate, but keep it going. Do not become a completely individualized/isolated. Neither partner should become fantasy/masturbation satisfied individual while in a relationship.
     
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  5. Puretim

    Puretim Fapstronaut

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    Your story is inspiring. As for withdrawal symptoms , the longest I went was a little over 20 days pmo free. During that time I had a lot of trouble sleeping and felt anxious quite a bit. I've dealt with other addictions and have long term recovery from alcohol,drugs and gambling. Sex and gambling are alike in that nothing goes in the body. I remember with gambling there was a lot of anxiety, irritability ,anger and very strong urges to go back to it. They all passed. My porn addiction started after I quit gambling,though m was always an addiction. Now I have 6 days pmo free after a couple days back in the addiction. I started to lose a lot of the shame when I had the 20 days or so of pmo freedom and it all came back when I went back out. I've been to a couple of Saa mtgs since my last trip to the dark side. One live and one telemeeting. I really recommend them . It sounds like you've suffered alot and there's no need going back to it. You can go online and look up the number for saa ( sex addicts anonymous) and find telemeeting and live meetings in your areas. I wish the best for you.
     
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  6. Glorydreams

    Glorydreams Fapstronaut

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    I have always had an issue with insomnia and anxiety and it increased for a few months, but has subsided significantly. I am happy to say after going without so long, I have no desire to return to viewing porn, or masterbating and am finding that I am more able to get in tune with my body. It is a learning process, but a fun journey I am ready to explore with my husband.

    I have heard of SAA, however I am not sure it is something I would need myself, but would love to help others with to better understand porn and sexual addiction. I wish luck to you in your journey and am always here for support!!
     
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  7. Puretim

    Puretim Fapstronaut

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    Thanks.. I like the quote you have on your picture. I have a 5 year old daughter who is the love of my life.
     
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  8. Glorydreams

    Glorydreams Fapstronaut

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    I have two children and I will do everything I can to ensure they never go down this path of destruction and hurt.
     
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  9. Breconhutt11

    Breconhutt11 New Fapstronaut

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    Nofap challenges can cure your habbit. Plz belief power of nofap
     
  10. The sun is the limit

    The sun is the limit Fapstronaut

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    I managed 2 years plus without P. Then after a fight with my GF and 2 months of nearly no communication I relapsed, started with Psubs: Netflix after P ends, softer stuff like beautifulagony(dotta)com which is related tother more explicit sites and then the harder stuff was not far away. After looking back I found out that I was looking mainly women M. Realizing they have the same behaviors as men and same addictions. Now I know that I felt intuitive my GF is also PMO addicted. So I saw on her iPad she was Tindering and looking hard P. No I am super angry after thinking back how she stressed ME with OUR sex problems. I worked hard not watching P and she not really believing that P does any harm, continued watching. Which I never thought of somehow, how naive I am. Maybe I am also angry on my naiveness.
    At the moment I am focused getting a MO diet, I am not sure how many days are my goal. Of course no P. I remember very good the benefits after my first success staying away from PMO for 90 days. I felt great. That is a big motivation.
     

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