*POSSIBLY TRIGGERING* *Long read, first post* I have used porn for 18 years and I have never felt comfortable with it, but did not know what else to do, due to a physical disorder I did not understand until recently. I started watching pornography when I was ten and like everyone, it started with some light stuff, but I was easily triggered by simple things. I remember when I was a child, I checked out a tattoo magizine, because I liked to draw and I came across an explicit tattoo and found myself aroused. I was ashamed, but didn't tell anyone. When I was thirteen I began dating the boy across the street in secret (whom was three years my senior) and this began my exploration with m. He introduced me PMO and would shame me if I showed no arousal, or showed too much arousal. He would tell me I needed to look like the women he found attractive, and tell me that he was not normally attracted to girls of my race, but I was a pretty one, so I was lucky. Self shame and confusion got worse and I wanted to leave this earth several times. After that relationship ended I met my first husband and we began watching together, only for me to find out he was going to adult clubs and secretly Ming while I was sleeping. It broke me and I hated him for it, but felt like a hypocrite for using it myself. He would deny me intimacy and it was all I had to curve my disorder. That marriage failed and I was broken and found myself looking for love immediately after. I had two relationships built on lies and was so hurt. One night while out will a less-than friend I was left alone while drinking and taken advantage of. I had hit a low and had no one, couldn't tell anyone, because I felt it was my fault for being out. It ate at me, I threw away all my clothes and sheets and even after trying to tell my less-than friend, she told me sometimes that just happens. I gave up and turned to P. I would sometimes stay in my room all day watching and Ming with each o becoming more and more painful and less enjoyable, but I needed relief. I met my now husband and he chased me for a full month and now almost six years and two kids later, I realize how much damage pmo has done. In the beginning of my current marriage we were open about our watching, but didn't watch together. I didn't feel right Ming without him and would confess every time he came home. To him it was no big deal, but to me it is. During a gyno appointment I explained to the doctor the symptoms of my new found disorder and finally got an answer. I suffer from PGAD (persistent genital arousal disorder) it's painful and unrelenting, but I can fight it. After finding this out my pmo slowed and I was hoping that would inspire my husband to slow as well, but it came to a point where I was not sure if our marriage could overcome his use. I have been almost six months pmo free and am hoping to remain this way. I am wondering, has anyone had withdrawal symptoms?? I find myself feeling very anxious and getting headaches, also I have always had issues sleeping, but it seems almost non-exsistent now. Also, random flashbacks of things I've viewed, do they ever go away?