First post

I am a 32yr old male from UK. I have recently admitted to myself that I have a problem with porn addiction.
Not my only addiction - I have been addicted to smoking Marijuana for around the same period of time. There have been periods when I haven't smoked anything and periods when I didn't watch so much porn but the majority of the time between 17-32 has involved heavy amounts of both.
I have been aware that I have an addictive personality for many years, I have dabbled with other recreational drugs since my teens; Coke, Speed, Ecstasy, Acid were phases I went through, although I either never did enough to become addicted to them or was aware that becoming addicted to these type of drugs would be bad for my physical/mental health.
Weed and porn became my two main vices for a long time, all the way to the point where it was normal and routine for me to get home from work have a smoke whilst watching porn (PM without O) then go and see my GF - Thinking back on this now makes me feel sick/terrible and I have to admit I don't particularly like myself at the moment.
On most days when I wasn't seeing her I would watch porn for hours whilst masturbating, sometimes thinking to myself why was I doing it, but not able to refrain from continuing to do it.

I have been watching porn since my teens - I'm not sure how old I was when I first watched porn online maybe 14 or 15. I got more in to it at around 17y, although at this point it was nowhere near as frequent as it has become.
I feel that I've wasted huge chunks of my life, watching porn and getting high.
I don't really know or remember how I got so in to it all, possibly a form of escapism.
I have watched so much porn over time that I have become desensitised to what I am actually attracted to in 'my real life'. I continuously sought out more and more taboo subjects leading to a confused state over my sexuality when watching it (I'll try to explain more about this later or on another forum).

My addictions have ruined my relationship with my beautiful, intelligent GF. We were together for 2.5 years. When I was with her I was sexually attracted to her but our sex-life was definitely effected by my porn use, like not having the stamina to orgasm in a reasonable amount of time and rarely being able to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. I lied to her and made up many excuses about why this was happening and it caused serious arguments.
We've not been together since 01.01.2017 and it breaks my heart to think of what I have wasted. My PMO addiction has had a massive influence on the demise of my relationship.
My ex still talks to me and is supportive towards me (she found this site), I cant begin to explain how much that means to me. I realise we may never get back to being together properly but I hope more than anything in the world that one day we can.

I haven't watched porn for around 20 days now.
I haven't smoked for 9 days.
I have masturbated + O twice in this period - neither time using porn.
I want to get my life back together. I want to be normal, I want to be myself 24/7 without any of this shit clouding my mind and thoughts.
I know I need to set myself goals and get some hobbies. I know I need support.
Thank you for reading - I would like chat to anyone with similar experiences or generally anyone who wants to talk.

 

Thank you I appreciate your words. I hope the same for you.

I too have learned 3 things I wish I knew when I was a younger
1. This addiction will not go away on it's own.
2. This addiction will not go away when you get in to a relationship.
3. This addiction cannot be kept in a secret corner of your life and not affect everything and everyone else around you.

 

Thank you for your support @Ayjaydubya I hope I can keep on going. The only worry for me at the moment is that I have recently 'Hit Rock Bottom' in my life and relationship, and so I think that is in part keeping me away from relapsing - I have no intentions of slipping back in to any of my addictions, but only time will tell.

Good luck with your journey 2 weeks is better than no weeks.

 

Thanks for your message. For around 15 days I was operating on auto-pilot since my realisation and complete breakdown of relationship. I couldn't think straight for the first 2 weeks. I wasn't interested in doing anything at all. Which feels odd when you have been PMO'ing pretty much everyday and using it to feel better about things.
My first step was to delete everything - I had a large collection of porn which I deleted - At first I wasn't sure how I felt about it - now it's kind of a feeling of relief that the things I used to watch are gone and I cant access them even if I wanted to. I haven't had the urges to seek out more, I realise that this will probably change in the coming days or weeks. I am trying to concentrate on work and other things but I have found that I have a lot more free time and need to reacquaint myself with friends who I have not seen because of my addiction. I hope to put some things in place hobbies etc that will help take up my time before the urges kick in.

 

Thanks I will do that.