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first post.. kinda long

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Mcdonald1773, Jun 5, 2017.

  1. Mcdonald1773

    Mcdonald1773 New Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I have known from the beginning of our relationship that he watches porn, I used to as well bit I easily stopped. I pretended for a long time that I was ok with it. About 6 months into our relationship I found saved porn pictures on his phone. He was terrified that I would break up with him over it but I simply asked him to no longer save pictures and that was my only restriction.

    In the last few months ive been extremely depressed and I question everything he does because I cant focus on anything but the thought that he wants other women. I looked through his phone numerous times. After searching his laptop over a week ago I found more porn and I couldn't cope anymore. I told him how I really felt and how porn disgusted me and it made me feel sick to my stomach knowing he watches it. Once he knew he said he would stop immediately. We both knew it would take a long time to rebuild my confidence because it has been shattered from porn.

    2 days later he was back at it. I confronted him and he tried saying it "was just a glimpse". He admitted to never stopping saving pictures, he just made it hidden on his phone. I asked him so many times if he indeed wasn't saving pictures anymore and he kept saying "no, I love you more!". He admitted to watching porn all day every day. He glimpses at it when I'm next to him, in the bathroom, in public, watches it before we have sex, after we have sex, etc.

    Well, I lost it. I probably sent him over 100 texts while he was at work telling him he was disgusting and I couldn't think of him without wanting to puke. By the time he got home I was drunk. I screamed at him while holding his porn sites in front of him. He cried a lot.... I basically crashed a year of depression and hate for porn onto him. I wanted him to see what his addiction was doing to me

    He has now agreed to getting counselling this week and together we deleted everything on his phone and laptop. he also let me set up an EverAccountable app on his phone so I can monitor all activity on his phone. I have zero trust in him. But I also feel like I'm being really hard on him but I don't know how not to. I tell him more and more of how I feel and he cries every time. This entire week has been both him and I crying. I have no interest in breaking up but I want to understand how to support him while also taking care of myself
     
    hope4healing and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Many couples are able to find a place for porn in their relationship but if one of them is an addict then there is no place for it at all. Unfortunately, many SO's try to be open minded and tolerant which might work with a person who casually views it but it turns out to be a terrible idea if their partner is an addict. It mistakenly gives them permission to engage in an activity that you secretly hate. However, don't blame yourself because you could never have known how deep his problems were.

    Your explosive conversation, although not ideal, did accomplish a very important purpose. It created a rock-bottom moment for him where your feelings finally cut through all of his delusional thinking. You created a moment of clarity for him where he could finally see and understand how destructive his behavior is to your relationship.

    Don't feel bad for being hard on him. Viewing pornography after you expressed how you feel about it is a betrayal. You are entitled to feel however you feel. Prior to changing he did not deserve any compassion or understanding. Now, it is up to you how much support you wish to extend. Firstly, understand that it is his responsibility to take change of his recovery. It is his job to form a plan with his therapist and communicate to him how you can help. Your first priority is to start healing your wounds... not to support his recovery. You can choose to help and support with whatever is leftover after taking care of yourself. He needs to learn to cope with life on his own and be appreciative for whatever extra help he gets from others.

    Don't lose track of your role in the relationship. You are his girlfriend... you are not his therapist, his mother, his policeman, or his priest. Do not do the work for him. Challenge him when he is being unreasonable. Love him for when he does good. But communicate when he is not doing enough.

    Have hope that things will get better. For the first time in your decaying relationship there is the possibility that things will start to get better. Once an addict wakes up, starts a treatment program, and puts the things he learns into practice then things will gradually start to improve. It is a long process and you are just starting out, but have faith that if everyone does their part then there brighter days are ahead. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need to be happy again.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  3. Mcdonald1773

    Mcdonald1773 New Fapstronaut

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    That's actually really helpful. He had no idea our relationship was so rocky. There definitely is a difference between the last 2 discussions of my issues with porn and then the post blow up. He is actively seeking help and removing porn from his life. I just hope it lasts

    I also find myself feeling like I cant trust him anywhere. He would use fully clothed pictures of women for porn and pictures of his friends on fb. Other porn too but it's almost easier to cope with "regular" porn.... he deleted almost every girl off fb. But now I'm afraid to watch movies with him or go to a beach or something because everything is a trigger to watch porn for him. I ask questions about his past porn usage too but I just feel like I'm hurting both of us by asking. I'm not sure if it's that I feel the need to know everything since he lied so much? I know he wants to change but it's hard to put the past behind us and move forward
     
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    One way to make sure progress continues is to setup a Expections/Boundaries/Consequences checklist. Check out this link for ideas on what to include.

    Trust is a fragile and valuable thing. Once it is gone it is not easy to reestablish. It is not something you think... it is something you feel. It is formed after spending time with a person and after hundreds/thousands of actions you finally feel safe with that person. After a betrayal your sense of trust is shattered and will not come back until he has performed enough actions to make you feel safe again. This is why he needs to be transparent during his recovery by talking about his feelings, actions, plans, and motivations.

    Searching for answers, snooping through devices, and asking endless questions are attempts to restore this trust. In the absence of information the brain is ungrounded and lead to irrational thoughts and feelings because of that insecure feeling. You will need to find a balance between knowing too much and finding out what you deserve to know. Understand that he might know all the answers yet because he will need to dig into his psyche and discover why porn was so attractive to him. This will be a journey of self-discovery for both of you.

    The easiest thing you can do is to start educating yourself about addiction in general. Read the links in this starter guide. Make sure to watch that Gary Wilson xTED talk. If you want more information on addiction and recovery then you can read this extensive post from YourBrainOnPorn.com. If you want additional reading material you can read the books found in my signature. Armed with this information you can make better decisions and plans for the future that will helpfully settle your mind. Merely having information and formulating a basic plan can give peace of mind.

    Also, feel free to use this thread as a journal or start a separate thread for your story, your feelings, your questions, and your progress. There are many women who have been exactly in your position not too long ago. You will find people here who understand your situation better than anyone in your real life. Allow us to share our communal knowledge with you to help you.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.

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