First Journey Diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by 90sprincess, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    Letting go of resentment against my mother was a big turning point for me. It didn’t completely happen until a very uncomfortable session with my therapist earlier this year that involved tears on my part.

    It’s heart warming reading your progress. Hang in there!
     
  2. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    You're doing good, and as you say having much alone time is a big problem.. being here helps with that very much, because apart from feeling you have people to accompany you on the journey, it holds you accountable as well. Just keep fighting off those urges, I'm sure you'll do great. Starting day with a healthy breakfast also sounds good idea.. we take care of our mind body and soul.. All the best!
     
  3. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I have made it past a week. I'm very proud of myself, but the work must continue. I have to keep focusing on why I want to stop porn and how my life will change for the better. It's hard for me to move on from relapse, because I tend to extra hard on myself. One relapse will cause me guilt for months. Guilt should not be a motivation, but the despair I will after is a motivating factor. It's a feeling that I hate feeling and that fuels me to become stronge in fight against porn.

    Later on I'm going to be spending some time with my grandparents, I'm happy to get out of the house and get some fresh air. I'm going to take small steps, my next goal is 21 days.
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    21 days is noble, but I would encourage you just to double it to 14. A lot of times, we embark on a mission, we get overly confident, and when we fall, we fall hard. Remember, take it one day at a time. Take it in bite size pieces. Don't get in too much of a hurry. And also remember, you didn't get this way over night. You're not going to fix it over night.

    Celebrate your 7 days! That's really great. Very well done my lady.
     
  5. Hey @90sprincess congrats on getting past one week ! Hope you enjoyed your Christmas & stay with your grandparents..

    Any further update would be welcomed whenever you're up for it ! Stay strong, safe & vigilant out there :)
     
  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Woah, what a read. I'm sorry all that bad stuff has happened to you. I wish I could help you better, but I haven't experienced the same adversity you have.

    I'm glad you've told us your story. If there's anything I or any of us can do to help, please don't be afraid to let us know. I'm interested in reading your journal. All the best!
     
  7. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    This is going to be short. I am still doing good, but I haven't been feeling good at all. I've caught staph again, I had cellulitis last year and now I got it again. I really don't have any energy to do anything, but thank you guys for your encouragement. I will probably be absent for a while. :emoji_mask:
     
    Solomon435 likes this.
  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    That's okay, I hope you feel better later! Feel free to reach out of you're in trouble.
     
  9. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    No porn, so far. I haven't had any urges to watch it. I feel really fuzzy today as if I can't concentrate on anything. I love reading and wanted to read a book today but I can't even make out the sentences. And I feel really jittery and frustrated and it's probably pms, it's so frustrating. I'm so close to being a month free of porn and I'm proud of myself.
     
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  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    And I am so very proud of you. You're on a streak. Reaching out here always helps with you are in need of encouragement.
     
  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Wow, nice! You're almost there for a month. It's gonna be tough but I hope you can resist and come out triumphant. As Ghost said, we're here to help if you need it!
     
  12. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    So I relapsed today and I feel numb. I made it literally over a month and failed but I know why I relapsed. It's getting close to the anniversary of my sister's death and I feel so much pain and anger inside of me and I close myself off, I become distant pushing people away from me. My sister died in front of my face and I don't like to think about it but it's in the back of mind.
    I'm so mad at myself because she was so sick before she died and I took her to every doctor, I googled every remedy and I still failed her. I could not save her and I just feel so much pain right now. Me and my sister were like siamese twins we never spent more than 8 hours away from each other. All our plans included one another, if we wanted to travel we would be together, go to school together. I thought I would have my sister at my wedding, when I have a baby. But she's gone and I try to be positive and go on but I don't want to get married or have children now at all.
    The two of us only had each other, when my mother continued to get in abusive relationships, when we hungry and out of food, when we we were homeless. We stuck together and I hate when these emotions just pop up on me at once in full force. I can't deal with them. I have to scratch myself or punch myself or I watch porn as a means of escape.
    I don't know what i'm feeling right now but I know I don't want to give up. I have read so many of you guys journals and it inspires me so much to better. Tomorrow is another day and I will just try again.
     
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  13. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I don't have much time but I hope I can say something.

    I'm sorry this happened to you. I know what it's like to lose someone who was close to you. It's a strange feeling you have. It's something you don't want, but at the same time you want to keep it, yeah?

    I wish I knew what I can do to help you. I can tell how hurt and down you are. If you need to talk to someone or just need to have a shoulder to cry on, please feel free to send me a PM.

    Good luck.
     
  14. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I got my menstrual today thank God. I was wondering why I was being so sad and whiny, I knew my mother didn't raise no weak ass child. ;) I am feeling much better, still disappointed that I relapsed but Rome wasn't built in day. Continuing on is the best thing to do. Keeping busy and staying positive is what helped me make it to 41 days, now my goal is to make it to 50 days.
     
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  15. The Winner

    The Winner Fapstronaut Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    Hi there!

    Stay strong sister, you got this!
    41 days is an amazing achievement, some people are still struggling to make it to the first week, so you must be proud of yourself. :)

    50 is not far from 41, you surely can make it there, with some patience and effort! Good luck.
     
  16. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I'm finally getting a chance to breathe, it's hard being the only caregiver without my sister. I really admired the people who have two sick parents to take care. It's tiring and lonely. My mother's been back and forth to the ER for the past two weeks and she caught the flu and I lost my phone. So last week my aunt died and for some reason even though she has a husband and she had my cousin over all her stuff, they still calling me and my mom to do stuff. I'm tired of having to write obituaries and planning stuff.
    I keep getting stressed and I keep relapsing and at the time I knew I could do better but at the same time I didn't want to do what I should have been doing. I keep thinking about the future and then I get scared because I wonder will I ever beat this.
     
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  17. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you're having such a hard time, it can be very difficult in these times of stress.. I hope things will get better for you, just don't lose motivation, keep going.. Wish you all the best!
     
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