First Journey Diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by 90sprincess, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I've been dealing with this since I was 13, it started out with books and then it went to videos. I had never been able to be free but it ahd gotten less frquent like 8 times a year, but this year has sucked ass and I feel like i'm in a loop. I feel like a hamster on a running wheel, stuck in the same place. I

    I could cry, I feel ashamed. I feel disgusting, I feel like a pervert. I know I can do it, but I'm feeling very low. I have a goal of 7 days and then i'll take it from there.
     
  2. Glad you started your journal & don't feel ashamed, we've all struggled with so many things in reality that we escape to fantasy..

    Reflect on the underlying problems that's leading to PMO & resolve it step by step..

    Also you can go through their journeys @Newgirl & @Freedom_lover & they can help you out as well ! Also @Retro Girl's journey is an inspiring one!

    Cheers & good luck :)
     
  3. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re a great person who wants to get better. You coming here indicates that. Lots of good help here.

    You can do it!
     
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  4. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Welcome 90sprincess! :)
    I'm glad you're here.

    The feelings that tend to float during a reboot, like the ones you're having right now, can be hard, but that's good. That process is part of the recovery.
    Recognize what your activators are, avoid them and you'll see that you'll achieve the freedom of PMO.

    I wish you much success! :)
     
  5. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I'm trying to do better. The feelings of guilt are tough, but I can't give up
     
  6. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your encouragement porn addiction is a very lonely illness. I'm glad knowing i'm not alone.
     
  7. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!
     
  8. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the neighborhood,
    Glad you're here you can overcome this addiction. The feelings of disgust are normal but don't let them keep you down. Start seeing yourself as a diamond you just need to get all the dirt and dross out of you so the real you can shine. Stay alert and optimistic. PMO will lose its power over you. :)
     
  9. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    After my sister died earlier this year I've become more stressed and hopeless. My sister was the closest person to me and to have that ripped away was shocking. I think i've been medicating in porn instead of dealing with it. It's just a whole mess to me. First I relapse then I cut myself in punishment for giving in. The whole process in draining and destructive. I see other people my age and I feel like a failure. I didn't finish my degree at the time because my sister and uncle died two weeks apart. I'm only 26 but I feel so much older than I am, I feel like I am running out of time to do everything I wanted.
    I'm trying to develop a new positive attitude on life. I want to be a better person and accomplish every dream I have. The first start is learning to deal with this addiction. I want to experience 9 months in recovery and then years and forever. I want to feel free.
     
  10. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that things will get better and that if your sister were here she would want you to break free from your addiction. Don't lose hope. Stay strong and take it easy one step at a time :)
     
  11. Motiv3

    Motiv3 Fapstronaut

    Is crazy I used same example to describe how my work is going.

    Yougot this keep going
     
  12. Rocka snape

    Rocka snape Fapstronaut

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    You can and u will, sorry for your loss dear.
    Stay here in Nofap we are all with u <3, glad u started writing a journal just update ur thoughts here and all of us will deal and help. . U really can start a new life because u deserve to be the person u want .
     
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  13. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    Thinking back to when I was younger, p was always used as tool to deal with certain things in my life. I've always used escapism as way to cope. My mother, even though she is a great mother have not made the best choices in life and I know that probably is a due to her being raped and molested as a child. She doesn't have any self esteem, so she's always chose abusive men as her partners. The one man that wasn't abusive, she didn't marry. The man she did marry is highly verbally abusive, he used to be physically abusive to my mom until my sister and I start beating him up as we got older. He has threatened to kill all of us, if she ever left him. He's pretty much a deadbeat refusing to do any work around the house or pay any bills, and hoarding every piece of junk he finds.

    My mother doesn't have good health and now she's legally blind from being hit in the eye so much. My sister and I never went off because we feared for her safety and wanted to take care of her. Now, with my sister gone it's just me and it is so hard. Three years ago, I had to start working to pay all the bills and it was the most backbreaking job I ever had. I finally had to quit because I ruining the nerves in my feet (I have diabetic neuropathy) last year. So now with no job and no car and watching over my mother, i've become more depressed. I love my mom but i'm so angry because after her last abusive relationship she promised to never take us through that again and she lied. In past 16 years she's been married, we have been homeless, had to sleep in motels and cars, have had weeks with no food, no electricity. My sister and were A+ students and ended up with flunking. I feel like if we hadn't have tried to watch and take care of her my life would be so different. My sister was also addicted to porn and she loved having cybersex with lots of men. It's just so crazy. Ironically, my stepfather is also addicted to porn. He would leave his dvds laying around, he would record the movies on our dvr and his phone is filled with pictures.
    I've been stuck in this small dead end town, with no job or education prospects. I've never had the chance to do anything worthwhile and i'm sick of it. The first chance I get, i'm getting far far away.

    Even though I have dealt with less ideal situations this is still my problem and I have to take responsiblility for it. No one esle is to blame .I've signed up for school to take classes online and I have a meeting next week for a part time job. I think if I want to recover I have to change everything. I have to change my thoughts, my surroundings.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  14. Sun_shine

    Sun_shine Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you have been through a lot . Have you considered counselling? it may really help deal with the past and a lot of the issues ... Hope things do work out well for you .
     
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  15. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I went when I was younger but stopped. I may start again, but I was told the best thing to do was to leave.
     
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  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the island of misfit toys young lady. Most everyone here has experienced what you're experiencing. The embarrassment, guilt, and shame is deep. While your 7 day goal is admirable, I'd like to offer you an alternative. Take it just one day at a time. Get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say "Just for today, I want to stay clean of my addition".
    Was this an expected death (i.e. cancer) or was it something tragic and sudden?
    Indeed. You will have to navigate the 5 stages of grief. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    I think you probably need some help with this one. This is seriously self destructive.
    Indeed.
    Well, you may see other people and compare yourself to them and feel like a failure. But I will tell you like when one such young lady told me a couple of years ago younger than you. She says "I have to forewarn you. I'm pretty fucked up". And I responded to her "Oh Honey (and I want you to understand, I've known this girl since she was born, so I'm like a father figure to her), there are those who are fucked up and then there are those who have yet to admit it." She and her husband and child and baby on the way are in a very good place now. You too will be in a very good place. She did some webcam masturbation and other things that haunt her, including the death of her father, which makes her case so similar to yours.
    Then pick up the pieces, and go finish your degree. Let that be a testament to your resolve to become the person you want to be.
    OK, I have to laugh a little at that. I'm more than twice your age. Trust me, you have a life, a whole life, ahead of you. So many people wish they caught their addiction at a much earlier age like yourself.
    Well, you're on the right track then.
    You got it here. However, you'll start to see real milestone recovery at 90 days. Then it becomes a matter of working your recovery to maintain it. But to be realistic, you'll see real remission around three years. Don't get discouraged, and remember what I said about one day at a time.
    That's most unfortunate.
    That set the tone and also was a serious flaw of an example for you two girls. I'm so sorry you endured this upbringing.
    Are you Type I or Type II Diabetic?
    That is certainly understandable. And this is your story. I don't want to take anything away from you for that. However, why did this come to mind? Why are you telling us this part of your story? I want to know if you resent your Mom, because at the end of the day, it looks like you resent her, your step father, and even your deceased sister. And resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. No indictment on you. Just hoping to understand what purpose you see in telling this part of your story. I think it is good that you are telling it and you need to process it. But I want to hear it from you.
    I love this. Great move!
    Well maybe, but from what you have said, that isn't really an option for you. Or is it? What is your degree in incidentally?
     
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  17. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I'm type 2 diabetic, and I do hold a lot of resentment for my mother and I literally cannot stand my stepfather. I had to write down all my frustrations because while I do have a journal and I write, I've never wrote down any of this because I never wanted to acknowledge it because it is uncomfortable. But healing is uncomfortable, so now that i've said it, maybe I can move on from it.

    My first degree was Health Information Management, I'm going back for BaTech.
     
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  18. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    So it's day 3 and i'm still not feeling any urges, guess that's a good thing. But I have the worse headache and it's probably cause I haven't been sleeping more than like 3 hrs a day. Insomnia is the worst and my sleep schedule is horrible, so I bought some sleep aids and hope to reset it. That was another problem being up late at night was the perfect opportunity for p (I still hate typing out the full words to pmo), I'll have to work on that. I've always been a night owl and i'm never going to be an early bird, never.

    I've heard drinking a lot of water helps and I have been drinking a lot. My kidneys are probably pure and healthy by now. I read about some of the symptoms P causes but I forgot most of them but I think lack of concentration was one. I don't know if I can chalk that up p or exhaustion.

    The one thing I am worried about is when I get pms. The week of my period is when I relapse the most, I should have a plan in store.
     
  19. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    What are your fasting BS running? Are you on Neurontin?
    OK, so your stepfather doesn't have to be a part of your life going forward if he is toxic to you. Your mother, unfortunately, you're what's left. She has nobody else. And that's something you have to reconcile.
    Yep, You do need to process this and work through it.
    Good deal. Stay on top of it. It will also take your focus off of PMO if you can keep the stresses in your life at bay too.
    That's a good thing. Take in a healthy amount of water. No less than 2 liters a day. Besides, you need it for your Type II diabetes. What are you doing in your room that prohibits you from sleeping? TV? Phone? Other distraction? Turn it off and put it away. If background noise is an issue, there's an App for that. I actually have CDs from the 1990s from The Nature Company (Don't know if they're still in business anymore) that had like Ocean Waves, Rain Forest Running Water, Thunderstorm and Rain. Of course, there is white noise. Try those things out, and if you need more, call your Doctor and get a prescription for Trazodone.
    Yes, I already stated that above. You can chalk it up to both and then some.
    What other symptoms are you exhibiting during PMS besides PMO? Do you have anything you can put your finger on? Yeah, it would be a good idea to put a plan in store for that. But see if you can figure out what about PMS is triggering you.
     
  20. 90sprincess

    90sprincess Fapstronaut

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    I got up early this morning and actually cooked breakfast and a healthy one at that. I believe that a few of the reasons I was so able to indulge in porn is because I tend to spend a huge amount of time alone. I was almost never indulging in porn when I was working because I worked 16 hours a day, plus I was going to school full time. I been reading other journals by members and boredom and being alone is a common theme. I have decided until I start school again and get a new job to fill my days with other actvities.

    Today I started cleaning the inside of the house and I also spent a lot of time with my cat today. I've begun exercising and meditating. I have a whole lot of projects around the house that i've planned to keep myself busy and I've signed up to start volunteering at the school. I was learning French, I'm thinking about picking that back up.

    I kind of failed at going to sleep at 10pm like I wanted to. I fell asleep at 12am and woke back up at 4am. But i'm going to aim for an earlier time tonight.

    Off the record, this is day 5 with no pmo. Did I feel any urges, I did. When I felt like it was too much I got up and moved around and watched a documentary until I couldn't feel them anymore. I've been keeping a lot of you guys words in my head and I feel like I can actually do this now, with help. Whenever, I went at it alone I didn't do too good.
     

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