Finding your purpose etc

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by moulox, Aug 13, 2019 at 9:07 PM.

  1. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    I am about 5 months into nofap, trying to cure my ED and better myself, so I keep stumbling on this term, either on self improvement or dating advice books/videos. It is supposed to help with be more attractive in dating and also withstand life's troubles in general.

    Well... I got nothing. Even in my 20's I had nothing. Sure I had some ideas, I wanted to go pro at basketball (not tall or talented enough) and I found gunsmithing quite interesting (not applicable outside USA basically) but unfortunately none would be applicable. Being now in my 40's, I got a stable civil servant job which although it doesn't fulfill me, it is passionless and lacks giving me motive for improving myself, it would certainly be catastrophic to quit from since there's no chance that I would find something that would even remotely pay the bills in the economic status my country is right now. Some suggest the idea to turn my hobby into my job and I have several skills but none of them is in such amount that I could open up a shop.

    Definitely my big goal right now is getting cured and find a life partner but (from what I understand) in this rewiring stage I need a girlfriend to achieve that... How can someone's means to achieve a purpose can also be the purpose itself? (Not to mention how bad is for someone on my state to be so much dependent on another person, even more a girlfriend)

    I'd truly appreciate some other insight because I'm hitting a dead end with this one.
     
  2. Batty Belfry

    Batty Belfry Fapstronaut

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    I cannot speak to much life experience yet, seeing how I am still in my twenties. What I can say so far, based on my passion for the written word, I understand that being a writer is like being a lot of things. Actors get to pretend to be someone else, but a writer gets to put words in that someone's mouth. Creative control, artistic choice, and art and commerce all have an effect and affect on the writer in some ways subtle, other ways brash.

    As of this post and year, I only have two publications to my name. The writing process is both regimented and relaxed, but it is worth it knowing my words and stories are produced by my own creativity and inspiration. I acknowledge the necessary sacrifices to make those publications possible as well. In the beginning of both these projects, I understand that the editors and their readers look for a voice and I have a voice. They either listen to it and run with it, agreeing I match their publication's voice, or hear it and decline.

    These were unpaid publications, which happens at the start of a writer's portfolio. Exposure is good, gaining recognition for your experiences is good. It is all a matter of turning the exposure and experience into knowledge you now possess and can share to an outlet that either becomes your hobby, business, career, or all three.

    For example, I was a freelance writer for a month with a real estate company. I had to do my own research more or less to write concise and comprehensible copy for a wide audience. The position however was a ghostwriting position; this type of position was not disclosed to me and I did not want to relinquish my publishing rights. The recruiter also gave me irregular notices and expectations for the articles needed. I resigned knowing I would not want to have this kind of freelance writing experience again and searched for better opportunities.

    You will meet new opportunities and people all the time. Focus on your work, personal and professional, both will lead you to the people you want in your life. There is no need to rush into relationships; let them develop naturally like your career moves.
     
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  3. DerSchütze

    DerSchütze Fapstronaut

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    Tried lifting weights? Gives me something to look forward to every morning, keeps me grounded. It would be a struggle since your 40, but that is part of the fun, grinding away in the gym day after day.
     
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  4. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    This year should be the 6th of me having a gym membership. I've been training either lifting weights or on other group training activities and I find working out enjoyable but I am not into going for competition muscle bulk or getting six pack abs.
     
  5. DerSchütze

    DerSchütze Fapstronaut

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    That's good to hear.
     
  6. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    Lol Sure, but sadly it strike's one option out. Thanks for the suggestion anyway.
     
  7. DerSchütze

    DerSchütze Fapstronaut

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    lol, yeah. I've got nothing else to add as I'm only 19, I'm not 100% on what my passion in life is anyways.
     
  8. TheGambler

    TheGambler Fapstronaut

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    This is the question I keep going back to. First time user of NoFap for this issue, but in the past I've made lots of progress abstaining from PMO. I would get the energy to do the things that made me attractive to women.

    Life, from what I've gathered, is about relationships. Not just women but everyone; of course some people are more family than others. So that's where I try to start, particularly with my folks. Self improvement is big business, and lots of people are out there selling unrealistic dreams to suckers.

    Maybe I'm saying that cause I've come to believe you make your own luck.
     
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  9. Informius

    Informius Fapstronaut

    What I might add to your thoughts: Forget about money. I know this sounds like something you hear all the time, money is not everything, blablabla. No, I really really mean it: Forget about money. You want to do that stuff you are skilled at, but fear that you can't make money out of it? Doesn't matter, still do it!

    I am not talking about quitting your job and all, you still need to pay your bills. But be honest with yourself, is your job really only paying bills or is it hording money aswell? Use the money you horded and spend it on what you want to do! (not some comfort stuff though, something that challenges you!)

    You want to make up some sort of shop on your one? Forget about money! Then you won't need to make up a shop anymore- you simply craft those things you like and for example give them away as presents. Use the money you horded. Maybe after some time people come to you and ask to make them one aswell, and they would pay for it. Maybe not. You won't know if you don't find it out.

    And: Ask yourself: Do you still want to have that job in one year? In five years? Really? Letting go of something 'safe' (a safe income, easy work) is always hard. But think of the possibilities you could create, and of the doors you close as long as you are in that job.
     
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  10. gandu_

    gandu_ Fapstronaut

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    I'll try to keep it simple as this is what I believe and I'm in a similar situation to you except I'm 29.

    Keep your job. Build a side hustle, sounds cliché but with the internet there is no excuse. Now if you want you can build a side hustle that involves your passion.

    You really have to sit down and plan this out.
     
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  11. im’possible

    im’possible Fapstronaut

    Congrats of having the following:

    1. A stable job
    2. A healthy body for gym
    3. A will of improving yourself
    4. A 5 months achievement of nofap

    Not every one can have those remember?

    Just be sociable and keep going, to say you have nothing is a understatement.
     
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  12. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    Lol No man, the "I got nothing" is about I can't find what my purpose should be, not about what I have in life in general.
     
  13. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    We make our own luck indeed, a pretty big part of why I am in this position right now is because I left too much of my life to self resolve or luck. This is why I am trying to find this infamous life purpose.

    Good relationships will indeed help you in life and helped me up to a point in this fight but right now I can't count on them since most of them right now are a source of pain and not help. I need something of my own.
     
  14. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Whoa, wait a second! I'm coming hard on you lol

    There are several limiting beliefs in what you're writing:
    - in the 40s cannot find a new, fulfilling job
    - a girlfriend is required
    - a purpose is essential

    Neither of these are truths, they are just beliefs and I'm gonna have a go at them:

    In the 40s cannot find a new, fulfilling job. Well, maybe in your country there are not that many options, but if you already go to an interview with the belief that they'll age-discriminate, well... they might just as well not see you as confident in your abilities. Why not a career change, do something different than what you've done so far, even if it is starting from scratch in that domain, lower pay, if it is of interest for you. I'd like to believe that a girl will find attractive a man that says "well, that didn't work, I'm gonna try something different" instead of lamenting on his situation; that's confidence, gives her the trust that you can figure out what to do in hard times, she can rely on you.

    A girlfriend is required. There are many men that live a happy and purposeful life without women. There are, of course, a lot of men that live happy with women. And there are more men that live very unhappily with women, because they are afraid to say "enough". There is no law stating that you need to have a girlfriend, it's society that taught you that this is "desirable", and so you feel undesirable. In addition, if you feel lonely and lacking love, it doesn't have much to do with a lack of a woman, it has to do with how your parents treated you in the first few years of your life; we were all a bit neglected back then and it shows up later in life as a need to be loved (neediness), because our parents thought that too much love will spoil us. Well, too little love spoiled us just as well, but in the wrong direction! So dealing head on with those emotions will very likely help overcome the need for external love.

    A purpose is essential. As you can probably see where I'm going with it, it's not essential. You can live a fulfilled, happy and joyous life without having a specific purpose. I'm pretty certain that many people that we see as fulfilled don't/didn't give a crap about posterity; I doubt Mozart told himself "oh man, I'm gonna write these amazing, super awesome violin concertos and people will remember me for centuries!" Could be that Elon Musk goes to bed thinking "oh man, they'll have a city on Mars with my first name and one on the Moon with my last name", but I doubt it. Yet about a week ago I went to a restaurant I used to visit quite regularly two years ago and I was instantly recognised by one of the waiters and made to feel like coming to a familiar place; it left an impression on me and I could see he was very happy to see me again.

    I think you are giving yourself a very hard time with these limiting beliefs; by the way, these beliefs are not your voice, they are the voice of one of your care-takers or some past friends; you basically feel not good enough. Your mind doesn't have the time, space and freedom to be creative and show up those ideas and thoughts that will point you towards what you actually seek: joy, contentment, peace of mind.
     
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  15. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    The thing is my job isn't the main problem in my life, since all these years it provided the income and thus an emotional crutch via buying stuff/novelty to counter the loneliness issue. This year I lost basketball (knee problems), gaming (somehow it is less enjoyable) and of course PMO (because it just had to go). During the depression phase I got through, I got left with nothing/no one supporting me and the only thing that stopped me from offing myself was sparing my close relatives from living that experience. This makes me extra cautious about having something to hold on too in case I fall back in. With all my job's defects, I wouldn't have brought it up, except that for many people use it as their purpose in life.


    It's too late down the road for quitting my job. Maybe If I could set up something profession-wise that would be a good and viable idea, I'd try it out. Ideally on the side as gandu_ also suggested. I need to think a bit about that because I don't see any other alternative.
     
  16. moulox

    moulox Fapstronaut

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    Hmmmm I need to make some of my points more clear....

    It is all connected actually. Girlfriend-->Purpose-->Job (maybe)

    The need for a girlfriend derives from the general need to have a companion but also from the more urgent need for rewiring to cure my PIED...
    --> In order to be more successful in finding a girlfriend but to also become more centered in life in general (and as you said, be happy without a gf or help you have a healthier relationship with one) having a "purpose in life" is supposed to be beneficial. I still am not perfectly clear on that since all these years I didn't feel that the lack of direction or chasing something was hurting me (maybe in a procrastinating way it was? I can't spot how). I'm not looking to create a legacy or anything but a tool that I can use in my self improving...
    --> Many people have their job as their purpose but maybe that's because it takes so much time of their life. This purpose could also be sports, hunting or any activity but since I am not into/can't do stuff like that, that's why I brought up my job (and it's negative aspects) in the first place. These negatives are the least of my worries in my current situation.

    What trouble's me most right now is that "girlfriend" and "purpose" right now are the same thing for me and that can go bad in so many ways and needs to change.
     

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