Finding my inner light

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by flox, Oct 6, 2018.

  1. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Hi, welcome on my journey for piece, freedom and success. I'm 17 years old and I've decided to start this journal because I really need to change. This addiction is eating me up. I started PMO around 11 years old, first friends showed me this, then I discovered it on TV, it didn't take long and I moved to internet porn. Was very good at chess, won many competitions, national, I went to other countries as well but from 11 years I trained less and less and stopped playing competitions. I've been on nofap for around 3 years. I was doing really good at first, had 50 days streak, then 123 days. Probably best days of my life, wasn't very productive back then but i was socializing a lot, going out and basically having fun. I was just living my life, laughing on this addiction. Then I became very ill. I had to be in bed for 2 months and from boredom I gave in.

    Even after my success I just couldn't resist and kept relapsing over and over. For last year and half I haven't had streak lasting more than 23 days. My addiction got worse and worse. I was able to spend 3, 4 or even 5 hours straight just PMOing. The worst thing for me are P games, I can spend hours just deciding which to choose and another hours on completing them.

    Like every true addict, I tried to get free many times, went few days, failed and cycle just continued. Sometimes I even stopped counting relapses for month but the pain has always got me back to nofap. At least I was going to gym sometimes but I didn't grow many muscles. I was postponing many goals and haven't really accomplished anything.

    Lust just overtook me today and I relapsed again around 4pm. Last month and half I started seeing this website (previously only reddit). I think that this site is much better than reddit, mainly journals, and it gave me some motivation to continue.

    On this journey I'll write quick note about my state of mind/urges, things that happened to me, accomplishments and room for improvement everyday in the evening just before bed. I'll try to not be so hard to myself but it's not really my style :). It's hardmode so I won't bother with girls at least from start. I'm really looking forward to this journey, I'm willing to sacrifice everything for victory. I'll fight with every last straw of my willpower to fulfill my goals.
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2018
  2. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 1: The rebirth
    Wasn't a bad day. I was tired a little and sometimes nervous but bearable. Had few urges that struck me by surprise, but my determination was stronger. One moment I held my hands to air so I wouldn't relapse.

    I worked a little on eshop, did math, read few journals and did some preparation for exam. Went to my cold swimming pool for 15 minutes and did meditation. Planned meditation for 20 mins but that's okay. I'm just starting and my mind sometimes wanders but I'm trying to improve. I did most of the things on my to-do list.

    There was definitely room for improvement, in morning I was mindlessly browsing Youtube and had to catch up things in the evening. It's first day so I won't be that strict. Looking forward to next days.
  3. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 2: Looking from a rabbit hole
    I was kinda horny in school, fighting with myself and looking away from girls. Felt normal, little bit tired and in the evening even depressed. Little to no urges to watch porn.

    Did school prep, went to MMA training, I'm just starting with MMA so I kinda suck, but everyone had hard start I guess. I have ok stamina so running and exercising don't make problems. I wanted to do more from my to-do list but then I started to look for university for me, which I haven't decided yet, then I started watching videos how to get a job and career and realized how I was wasting my whole life and got depressed. Kept looking for ideas and fields but at least I know that I'll be doing machine learning. I have to work really hard.

    Just imagining where I could have been... I have read from other journals that I'm not alone with this problem and many people get here depressed from it. I know that I should forgive myself but I don't think I'm able to, maybe if I prove to myself by hard work it will be possible. My new goals: find a suitable university and find a firm that I want to work for in future.
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  4. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 3: Dreaming
    I was better in controlling my behavior in school. No looking at girls, I wasn't horny at all, neutral/no feelings. No urges at all to watch porn.

    After school I went to MMA training, was skipping training a little, but it's ok. Had a lot of work to school, wanted to do also some math but I didn't manage that. Then i watched nofap videos on youtube. Had cold shower - I love cold showers very much, first 5 seconds it's pain but then pure energy and enjoyment. Meditated for 20 minutes.

    Heard very interesting words today, I don't remember them exactly: Nofap is not natural at all, every animal that can masturbate does it. But we humans have power to say no to this useless action. It's good to not be natural, we're cheating the energy system of body. We can redirect the energy that would be lost to accomplish virtually anything possible. If you met yourself after one year streak of hardmode, you wouldn't believe that it was you.

    Wasn't my most productive day, but still, another day under my belt.
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  5. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 4
    I Was tired in school, had no urges at all. After school felt way more energy, I can see the difference when I'm on nofap.

    Had my first dancing class, it wasn't bad as I expected. We have many exams at school so I had to study, worked on my eshop but I'm stuck. Meditated also. I would want to go to sleep an hour earlier so i won't be so tired next day.
  6. HolmesPlusPrismacolor

    HolmesPlusPrismacolor Fapstronaut

    keep going bro I just started two days ago and I'm 17 also. Let's fight it together
  7. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Thanks bro. My longest streak was actually with AP. Wish you luck and strength. Let's win.
  8. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 5: programming is killing me
    When I saw girl, I quickly looked away but still I was a little hard. Still no urges to watch porn. Basically I was tired whole school, then I drank coffee and went for nap and felt okay.

    I registered for programming competition that is in Tuesday so I must work hard. I must use c++, but I never used c++ so I must learn a lot. Helped sister with math and was learning c++.

    Wasn't a bad day but I felt like a zombie except some moments of horniness. I should get energy boost around day 7, maybe even tomorrow so I am looking forward and I'm close to accomplishing first week :) What is bad that I went to bed even later than yesterday.
  9. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 6: Power
    Even though I didn't sleep much, I still had energy. Wasn't feeling totally energetic but not tired. I had small urges when watching TV. TV has a lot of sexual content in it, even subtle like talking about. Some of the words gave me flashbacks but I immediately turned it off and went working. I heard from many people that you shouldn't watch TV and movies during nofap because it makes you vulnerable so I'll try to be careful around it.

    Then I went programming and it took me almost all day besides school and few brakes. The competition is coming and I'm pretty bad at it so I'm not sure. Then I meditated right before writing this log.

    Sometimes I feel like when I'm not doing something productive, I'm dying. It's new for me and I'm sure that partly due to nofap. When I'm not watching porn, even working on myself is enjoyable. I'm going to bed earlier than yesterday because tomorrow I play chess match so I'm waking up early and will be preparing against my opponent.
  10. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 7: the magic 7
    First week completed :cool: 7 days for me is when a serious streak starts. Had few urges in the evening but nothing challenging. Energy was okay, i wasn't drained like on PMO but also I wastn't hyperactive.

    I lost chess match horribly. I was with my thoughts, away, couldn't concentrate. When I came home I programmed, watched few nofap stories and prepared for tomorrow's chess oponent. I stopped to-do list, I don't find it useful anymore. The only way to succed in nofap is by working hard I've noticed.

    Was talking to my mom and she said that last 3 years even though I didn't have bad grades I was invisible in school which is truth. I was in my little comfort zone. Past is past, I won't change it and only important thing is future. I won't waste more time.
  11. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 8: Anxiety
    Hardest day yet. Few more serious urges in the evening, felt sick, got anxiety attack.

    I lost chess again but now to much stronger opponent (one game lasts 4 - 5 hours approx). He is professional and lives by training others so it doesn't bother me that much. Then I came home, prepared for school on 2 tests. I was programming, but the questions are just overkill. I couldn't answer it so I went to another. Again nothing, another, nothing... School, chess and the competition combined got me so frustrated so I got anxiety attack. I Was feeling really shitty, I wanted to throw, depressed, saying shitty stuff to myself. Of course, urges came and they were strong. Also I felt a little pain in my chest. I knew when it was going...

    So I started guided meditation, first 10 mins I was very tense but then I relaxed my body. I realized that nothing matters that much, and I don't have to win every competition. I calmly sat to computer and found solution to one problem. I think that I'm too harsh on myself and I have to slow down. Again I won't sleep much :(
  12. HolmesPlusPrismacolor

    HolmesPlusPrismacolor Fapstronaut

    Despite your chess loss and anxiety attack, I think today might have had a silver lining for you. Your streak survived through all of those negative emotions. That's a testament to your strength.
    "Power requires sacrifice."
    Keep it going, bro.

    (P.S., are your chess matches organized by the school? Or are you in some kind of club? Forgive my prying, but I'll admit I've grown curious.)
  13. tryhardvibes20

    tryhardvibes20 Fapstronaut

    Don’t let those urges take over your, you not doing it when you’re upset from losses already shows great strength, I am also on my day 8 I don’t go down the wrong path we got this !!! Let’s fight on
    HolmesPlusPrismacolor likes this.
  14. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Thank you, your support has helped me definitively. It gives me motivation that lacked in my life, that at least one person is reading my stories. You're right, i shouldn't escape negative emotions.

    I play for club, it's national league. One team has 8 players and the team that wins season gets money and goes to higher league. I play for fun, i don't get any money but I have free driving. It's kinda bad that team lost both matches partly because of me, they trust me and they have put me really high.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
    HolmesPlusPrismacolor likes this.
  15. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Welcome on my journal bro. Thank you for support, thousands have done this, I don't see reason why we shouldn't. I've read your journal(s). It's great that you're on this journey just I wouldn't get too attached to gf for O's, I think that it can be as addictive, judging from journals of others. It's just my opinion, I don't mean it badly. Wish you many clean days ;)
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
  16. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 9: Great vibes
    I felt great whole day. In school I was very social, which I'm not much, not that I'm afraid, more of I don't see the point, but I felt good and socializing was easy. Most of the time I talk to one friend or a little group of classmates, but today I went from one group to another, men, women, didn't really matter. I felt the confidence and positive aura. No urges to watch porn. Not fantasizing, I felt in control.

    After I came home I was mainly programming because I have tomorrow the competition. I don't have any expectations because I've started very recently. It's just in school so it doesn't matter that much, just good start. I also made time to read journals, inspiring youtube videos, talked to my family. I wasn't that productive though, but after a long time felt joy.

    I feel a little lost though. I want to develop a career as a programmer, but I don't know how to start. I think that I'll join more competitions and study harder the algorithms. I just want my first job in a field and make money, I don't want much, I would even work for free. I also meditated recently and finally I'll have 8 hours of sleep! Keep going strong brothers, let's make our dreams come true!
  17. HolmesPlusPrismacolor

    HolmesPlusPrismacolor Fapstronaut

    Makes me feel good to know my encouragement has helped someone. Having people on here to talk to such as yourself helps me a lot too.
    Also, I asked the chess question because you reminded me a lot of Rei from 3-Gatsu no Lion. I don't know if you even know what that is, but given your profile picture is of Light Yagami, I figure there's a chance. If not, it's about a 17 year old professional shogi player (shogi is basically japanese chess if you didn't know, though you probably do) and some of his inner conflicts are presented through shogi matches.
    flox likes this.
  18. HolmesPlusPrismacolor

    HolmesPlusPrismacolor Fapstronaut

    ^what it's all about
    flox likes this.
  19. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 10: fck
    So I had wet dream. I was dreaming about hardcore stuff. I was selecting between hardcore videos in my mind, weird. Felt drained and numb. I know the feeling of numbness too good so it didn't bother me that much. Mind was playing with me a little, but I've already decided.

    So I had the programming competition, I solved few problems, wasn't too disappointed, guess I wanted a little more, but okay. I didn't have that much energy and after it I felt very drained. I took nap and went to MMA training. I really didn't want to go, but I decided that it was the best for me. I watched a lot of youtube videos about nofap, discipline, how to behave. Then I worked on eshop. My mom has a store so I want to multiple her profits by creating eshop. I though that it was way easier. Solved a problem that I was stuck in for like week.

    I felt tired almost whole day due to wet dream. I researched it a little and you should:
    1. sleep on side
    2. don't drink coffeine before bed
    3. don't wear loose clothing
    4. don't fantasize
    5. don't dring water before bed
    6. try not to sleep too much and wake up late
    I neglected school, but it isn't that high on my priority list. I hope that it won't have consequences. Maybe it's weird, but i actually love being alone and do things that matter. For me going out is waste of time, maybe if I was with people that I look up to it wouldn't be such. I don't have in my social circle people that I look up to, but I'll try to attract them. The problem is that I don't feel the connection with most of people, It's just like empty words. Every successful person is saying that the people you are with determine your future and I don't want to be mediocre. You guys are amazing and I have respect for all of you, this shit is hard and it trains discipline so much.
  20. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Day 11: Magnetism
    I was tired this day. Didn't feel almost any emotion, but was kinda hyped. Urges were few, but to this day I only had one crisis, which I didn't expect. I though that I'll suffer way more, but still, my discipline is improving. Also I was aroused in school and I was watching girls, I couldn't stop looking sometimes.

    My teacher of programming in school told me about one competition where if i'll be successful, I'll be automatically accepted to university. This is the reason I was hyped. University also gives great tutorials so I was studying them. I'm improving a lot in my life, everything is happening so fast. When I start programming, I enter the state of flow, and wake up from it hours later. One chess player of my club said, that he'll help me to learn programming better for free. He's amazing. First lesson is on Friday and I'm looking forward a lot. I feel like a magnet for opportunities. Nofap opens many doors.

    My dancing class was better than before. I found partner that was smiling at me for almost whole time. For me the dancing is boring so at least I had somebody to talk. She even told me that she feels so good like she was drunk or something. She is kinda pretty, but now I don't care about it. I know that many of you do so yeah, the girl attraction is probably real.

    I keep on neglecting a school a little, because I find it so useless like they are just throwing garbage at me. Today I wrote 2 tests that I didn't learn to. I used cheating and something I knew from lessons. I think that I was successful in them.

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