Finding Contentment

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by Contentful T, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Hello. My new log. My final log (in theory).



    I forgot what I broke my schedule to post. It will come back to me shortly. Ah yes, not going into details about my fapping compulsion in person at self-help meetings. I mentioned porn a couple meetings before going more general and just saying pixels and screens.
     
  2. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    If you want to know about my past, just ask.

    I will be staying in the present moment and near future most likely. Mentally speaking.

    I stopped going to the first group (offline) I thought would be my greatest aid in overcoming the fapping addiction (Mesa Recovery). It was mixed with 12 Step material which put me off immediately, but I still attended one before never going back. I also will never be going back to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I am not sure about AA, I may attend a speaker meeting in the near future (just to listen to someone struggling with addiction, alcoholism is a fancy word for alcohol addiction), or I was saying go to a big meeting and try to get into a romantic relationship with an attractive woman struggling (go ahead and rail me for that one however I only have the intention to be an amazing partner and support).

    I have found alot of useful insight attending SOS meetings, which I will be going to weekly, most likely Tuesdays and Fridays. I still need to print some material for someone to pass out at the veterans' meeting that will help them address their PTSD through meditation and holistic lifestyle changes.

    Helping others and being a role model in recovery is my biggest motivation right now for continuing to attend meetings however I find it beneficial to listen to people speak especially older ones and those of a higher cerebral capacity than myself (I am a physical person but I do like to delve into the mind quite a bit).

    Refuge Recovery has me feeling at home. I don't want to ask females out just yet but there were a couple I would be willing to (do not judge my intentions are sincere and this is not the reason I am attending).
     
  3. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Ah yes, NoFap is most appropriate to address the roots of my addiction (it all begins and ends with fapping, my addiction would not exist without fapping nor would it be so hard to break and destructive without fapping, relapse/binges always start and end with fapping despite the drugs and alcohol taken once underway).

    I also do not feel it is appropriate to discuss details of a fapping compulsion in a public self-help meeting as not everyone understands how bad of a problem it actually can be and most likely is. However one can mention porn and I guess if they are uninhibited and brave bring up masturbation but like I don't plan on dropping the M word at a meeting, ever. Talking in private (although meetings are confidential) with a professional would be a safe place to get into the details of a fapping issue for sure, however I feel I may just get my ducks in a row enough to not have to spend another dime on one :emoji_duck::emoji_duck::emoji_duck:
     
  4. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Note to you guys: I will keep the romance content limited and mature. Got excited early.

    The focus of this log will be stonecold recovery under the prior works of Dr. Abraham A. Low

    I attended my first Recovery International meeting this evening (well only stayed for the first hour) and immediately knew this is the solution for me personally (combined with all the other stuff including NoFap) to break me out of the shitty mental states and habits keeping me in chains.

    Hardcore psych work.
     
  5. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    I want to express that although personally I cannot fully commit myself to the 12 Steps and hence do not feel comfortable becoming fully committed to any one group related to them, that is not to say I do not think 12 Step programs have their merits and wisdom. However as a whole they fall extremely short even though they may work for 5 - 10% of people who walk into them.

    I am browsing a NA meeting schedule in my area right now and this quote on it struck me as true: "We can no longer blame people, places and things for our addiction. We must face our problems and our feelings." - Basic Text Page 15

    I got rid of my PC, laptops, smartphones, and tablets as they were responsible for so much destruction acting as drug carrier systems injecting me through the retina with something on par with meth and heroin in terms of brain hijacking. They were certainly responsible, I never would have had this compulsion if computers were never invented (fapping to paper images can still be addictive but nowhere near as gargantuan as high speed internet content) yet I cannot outright say it was their fault. I suppose I made the choice and now that I know better I am 100% responsible.

    It simply does not make sense that I will be able to live the rest of my days without any of the above technology at home. However I feel at this point given my history I cannot go wrong avoiding bringing any of the above back into my life until I have substantial clean time and a solid recovery program being worked which I am still customizing due to the severity and unique nature of my life desecrating compulsion.

    I may go to 12 Step meetings, heck I might work them with a sponsor just for the heck of it. I am now completely open to engaging and adapting to all forms of recovery, religious/spiritual or not, and being a rock for others struggling to take shelter on.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  6. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Look at how contrasting the beginning and end of the above post is. People change all the time, we change from moment to moment even. I was a different person when I typed the first sentence above than I was typing the last sentence.

    Will be on here daily actually through my first 3 months (celebrating 1 month today). Then maybe twice a week. Will mostly greet newcomers at that point. Have a good day.

     
  7. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    It just struck me.

    The biggest thing I should do right now for my recovery.

    Schedule my online behavior.

    I said in a previous log the beast is more cunning than me but that does not mean it has already defeated me. Surely one can survive a battle with something more cunning and powerful than they are. Anything is possible in my books.

    So for right now let me get a schedule. I will log online before noon for less than an hour and after 3pm but not later than 5pm for a second session. I have a phone to make calls for emergencies and a voicemail so there is no reason to break this screen schedule. Movies at the cinema do not count towards the screen schedule and I do not go weekly.

    :emoji_japanese_castle::emoji_milky_way: Inner Sanctum for True Seekers


    “We can compare practice to a bottle of medicine a doctor leaves for his patient. On the bottle are written detailed instructions on how to take the medicine, but no matter how many hundred times the patient may read the directions, he is bound to die if that is all he does. He will gain no benefit from the medicine. And before he dies, he may complain bitterly that the doctor wasn’t any good, that the medicine didn’t cure him. He will think that the doctor was a fake or that the medicine was worthless, yet he had only spent his time examining the bottle and reading the instructions. He hadn’t followed the advice of the doctor and taken the medicine. However, if the patient had actually followed the doctor’s advice and taken the medicine regularly as prescribed, he would have recovered. Doctors prescribe medicine to eliminate diseases from the body. The Teachings of the Buddha are prescribed to cure diseases of the mind and to bring it back to its natural healthy state. So the Buddha can be considered to be a doctor who prescribes cures for the illnesses of the mind which are found in each one of us without exception. When you see these illnesses of the mind, does it not make sense to look to the Dhamma as support, as medicine to cure your illnesses?”
    ― Ajahn Chah

    I will be hosting an "Inner Sanctum" sublog for spiritual minds. Surely it will not be something all spiritual minds find intriguing but I will make it suitable to all even if every post may not tickle one's interest. Just don't click the spoiler if you aren't interested in spiritual material. I will also host my insights from participating in Refuge Recovery (got my text!) in the Inner Sanctum.

     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  8. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Look, perhaps the beast is my own creation. Don't take it literal. Any specifics about it will now go into the Inner Sanctum. I do not propose that I cannot get sober without the Inner Sanctum material, it is simply a sublog and part of my spirituality.

     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  9. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    :emoji_japanese_castle::emoji_milky_way:
    All these talks about benefits. What do you expect when you are no longer chained to fiery depths of inappropriate lust and sin? Like of course you will feel better not squandering your vital energy and shrinking your brain watching P!

    “I stood on the edge of that abyss between man and beast and played my harp for you, checking each note, one by one, to see if it would reach you.”
    ― Nahoko Uehashi, The Beast Player

    “Man holds dominion and was given free will but the irony is that he must learn to surrender his will --- as life carries him through circumstances that prove he has no true power at all.”
    ― Kate McGahan

    “... ongoing care for the soul rather than seek for a cure appreciates the mystery of human suffering and does not offer the illusion of a problem-free life.
    I see every fall into ignorance and confusion as an opportunity to discover that the beast residing at the center of the labyrinth is also an angel.
    To approach this paradoxical point of tension where adjustment and abnormality meet is to move closer to the realization of our mystery-filled, star-born nature.
    It is a beast this thing that stirs in the core of our being, but it is also the star of our innermost nature.
    We have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that in our fear and anger at the beast, we do not overlook the star."
    ~Thomas Moore *Care of the Soul*


    That is all for this week in this log.

    No need for daily updates.

    Will let the meetings for the remainder of the week I am attending offline digest over the weekend and make a new entry Monday in here. See you then.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  10. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    I broke my schedule. Might need to adjust it. For now there is no schedule. I don't use screens at home anyways so whatever it's not like I am overusing them away from home by any means, lol.

    I was going to go to a NA meeting tonight and stopped myself when I saw a few guys standing outside it, or at the location which I presumed they were there for the meeting. They looked unkempt and dumb (not to judge). Stuck in an outdated system of rigid dogma. Unable to empower themselves to find freedom so they flock there. It smelled of people who had not developed themselves in the past and were still mired in bad habits beyond past use of narcotics. Again I am not trying to judge this is the God's honest truth of what I saw and felt.

    I mean peace and wellness to all beings from homeless active junkies to convicts locked up for brutal crimes we shouldn't talk about here, however hanging around them may not be so good for my own personal development and I simply don't have the power to help these types. At least I feel I should try to find a community I can develop with and not just serve as a Gandhi or Martin Luther for.
     
  11. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    So this tech situation is pretty unrealistic here (well I mean it's my reality). I am not sure I will talk about it anymore unless to mention I am using screens again that I own and keep at home.

    But a video about my cell phone,



    It is getting annoying not having a PC or screen to watch stuff on at home but I don't feel I am ready to do that. I need to make changes before that happens and I can survive without it. I can go to more movies at the cinema if I grow tired of it plus I can watch Amazon Prime from multiple different locations if I get tired of just reading books at home.

    I can say intelligence or lack thereof is a matter of habits. Bad habits lead one to a lower intelligence in the future and good habits create room to foster smarts. Now that is not to say there aren't "evil geniuses" and "stupid saints" but I am talking about personal development mostly I guess. I won't talk about this again.

    I should abandon ideas of going to anymore 12 Step meetings as I kind of started viewing them as a place to meet a potential partner which isn't what one should use them for, shame on me! Since I really don't want to commit to their program I will no longer seek to go there to socialize in hopes of a future date haha.

    I really think I should wait until I am pressured by someone else before I bring personal tech back into my life in terms of keeping it at home. For now I am doing just fine with the college and library computers and my screenless phones.

    Have a goodnight.

    Btw I am trying to do qigong daily. Great for longevity and to keep calm all day long even in a stressful environment.
     
  12. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Ok so this is what is set in stone so far in terms of recovery weekly.

    Daily NoFap updates and activity for a couple more months, well pretty much daily unless I get pulled away for a valid reason.

    Friday evenings an SOS meeting at the Uni I went to near me.

    Sunday evenings Refuge Recovery at a Yoga school in a church, we sit on pillows and meditate before, it was really clean and nice too. I mean it is interesting to see how different meetings attract different people. May all find recovery however.

    As for the rest not sure what will be regular. I am still doing the writing and poetry meeting every other Saturday and am going tomorrow morning. We read what we write out loud to the group and it is great practice to speak in front of strangers.

    I will now begin focusing on Dr. Low's ideas in here in between updates and the other content.

    “The bulk of suffering does not stem from 'dreadful' experiences but rather from frightening beliefs.”
    ― Abraham Low

    Abraham was a pragmatic psychiatrist who appears to not have been focused on pumping those suffering from mental issues full of drugs. Rather he proposed they could psychologically work out their issues and recover.
     
  13. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

  14. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Without making changes, one might only become a dry, in other words they still have problems but have managed to stop fapping/viewing P. Achieving abstinence is worthy but ya the changes are what truly count I would like to imagine.

    Screen schedule back in place seeing as it is important, of dire importance actually as not sticking to it should be a major warning sign. No screens after 9pm. No screens on Sundays. Well movies on Sundays don't count. No movies later than 9pm however.

    Ok also no more than 3 computer logons per day that have nothing to do with work. Or no more than 3 hours of something that is not related to work.

    I left the writing and poetry meeting early, only stayed for the first hour. I felt like there was some negativity there and concluded that mental health is related to good and bad karma. I won't go into more detail than that here. A video in the Sanctum might. I don't think I will be participating in it anymore as I feel mentally healthy now and simply don't think I can find anything I cannot elsewhere by going to this group. I also do not have the ability to remove the negative symptoms being experienced by many in the group.

    :emoji_japanese_castle::emoji_milky_way:

    Museum/Art Gallery Encounters

    I went into this art gallery on the campus I use computers at thinking I would attempt a "drive-by" on someone I was attracted to, biologically speaking (hey I'm just a human here). Didn't wander around the entire gallery but I was ready to pull one if I spotted a target. No targets spotted. Upon leaving I stopped at the membership services desk and it was discovered you should not walk into the gallery without paying, the woman joked I got a freebie and could care less. I could have been more flirty with her but by this point my mission was over. I am not trying to be a creep when I do this and will take my sweet time so as to get into a groove and figure out how not to come off like I am hitting on someone as some people find that really repugnant. I have never been one to use pickup lines on people nor flirt with strangers so this is a very different strategy I am utilizing than what a PUA might or someone just looking for a no strings attached casual fling (not what I am after).

    I will try to limit my entries to days I go to meetings on in here from now on. Who knows what will happen but I do not feel daily updates are needed ever again here.

    I feel wonderful btw in mind and body and I no longer cringe or get upset looking in the mirror due to my life-force feeling totally wasted. However I know I still have alot of work to do. Change is a long process when it comes to real recovery and even at 1 year there will still be a long ways to go before I feel safe enough to call myself stable.

    I really need to make some changes before I start dating and will not talk about this public flirting anymore until they are made and I really start getting feisty in a polite manner.

     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
  15. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Broke schedule. No biggie. Back on track tomorrow.

    This is worthy here, from a video I am about to watch:

    Greed lies at the root of all evil and is the source of the current global economic crisis, Pope Benedict XVI recently declared. It is greed that destroys the world, the Pontiff said in his April 22, 2009 weekly address

    People can be greedy for many things - money, status, power, material possessions . . . and food. So is the obesity epidemic really just a sign of our collective greed?

    From the documentary Processed People, more at http://www.processedpeople.com
     
  16. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Actually the docu What the Health appears newer and more relevant to today's health issues than Processed People. Btw I follow the values of the creators of it and attribute living a vegan lifestyle to making me feel super healthy. Now just to cure that sexual cancer known as fapping, talk about sexual gluttony...
     
  17. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Breaking my schedule already. 4 logons yesterday, 1 more than allowed, and today I planned on not using screens except movies at the theatre.

    So I think this computer behavior might be borderline compulsive however I also feel like I want to connect and right now if I don't log online it is like I feel like I am too disconnected.

    I think I can survive going 24 hours on Sundays without any PC usage however. It's not like I am lost in the wilderness without any means of interacting with others.

    I am loving a tech minimalist lifestyle. I think in the future I may want my own PC but again there needs to be a valid reason for that beyond home entertainment purposes (I simply do not need one at home for professional reasons right now). I am able to not just survive with my current access to PCs outside the home but I can thrive easily so there is no excuse to turn back on this tech minimalism. As far as smartphones go I now abhor the technological trend they are trying to convert all of humanity with and seriously will not think of getting one again unless I am basically forced by someone. If you have kids I guess you can use them as like a security device and tracker to keep your kids safe but as an adult there is not a valid reason I can think of to use one. I am going to start a photography hobby and will be getting a camera that shames phone cameras, hard. Shames them hard.

    That's all for now. I found some creeping sexual thoughts lately however they prompted me to meditate more promptly which I find is a good antidote to them. Right now I am totally abstinent and not valuing casual sex even with a gf. I am in no rush to be sexual again although I know my penis is functioning just fine due to raging boners in bed in the morning and middle of the night. Edging is the devil's playground btw and idleness is the doorway.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2018
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  18. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    :emoji_japanese_castle::emoji_milky_way:

    Watching that now. Sanctum content. Seeker material. Love listening to that monk.
     
  19. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Tech minimalist? I like that. I have becoming more and more of a smartphone zombie just like every other millenial normie. smh, I need to change this ASAP!
     
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  20. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    I think there is a line one can cross all too easily and the tech companies make it that way deliberately. We live in an app based culture. Don't let peer pressure guide your choices is my advice, whatever it is you choose.

    I am not anti-smartphone however I do not value them personally right now. They have done more harm than good in my own life and experience.

    Also I spoke too soon on the most recent Sanctum video. The monk is pleasant to listen to however he said something that goes against my own knowledge. I unsubscribed from his channel. This was the second time he did that in a video and I can see his insight is not for me.
     
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