Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

It's both weird and nice. After being invisible for six years it's so disconcerting to look up and see him staring at me.

 

I made it through the holidays. Barely. Before Christmas started, we planned on how to handle certain situations. I know there was no way we could plan for every little thing, but we tried.

Problem is, when everyone got to our house on Christmas Eve, WS didn't follow any of the plans or rules. He secluded himself, he didn't do an emotional check-in with me when he started feeling overwhelmed, and he pretended I didn't exist.


It sucked. I got through it like I always have, alone. When everyone when home for the night, he apologized profusely and promised that tomorrow would be different. It wasn't, it was, in some ways, worse.

We got to my parents house pretty early and did stockings which was awkward because my dad was in a weird mood. I'm pretty sure he's a PA. He has all the obvious symptoms. After breakfast, my mom had to go to work and that's when everything went to crap. WS started up again with the same stuff as the night before, only this time, he was super weird around my sister, acting out like a four-year-old and making inappropriate sexual comments.

We had to run home midway through to day, and by the time I got there, I was so upset, that I vomited up all my breakfast. After that, I was done with the day and tried to sleep till the day was over.

I'm leaving out a ton of small details but my nerves are so shot, just remembering everything that happened, is making me feel angry, hurt, and frustrated all over again. This was supposed to be the year things turned around.

 

Thanks for the hugs

 

Thank you for your reply. The moral support is much appreciated. This Christmas was a disaster but hopefully next year will be better, it can only go up from here.

 

So I was triggered pretty bad last night. I had been hinting all evening that I wanted him. Kissing his neck, extra cuddles, touching him.

Soon after we got married, and things started getting ugly, I stopped asking for sex outright because it was too painful to be turned down, so I've developed this habit of trying to subtly let him know that I want him. It's kind of stupid, because he still turned me down, but I told myself that it was better than asking and then being turned down after asking out loud.

Throughout the years, he's come up with a million reasons why he didn't want me or sex. He was too tired, his libido wasn't as high as mine, he didn't feel good, ect. It caused a lot of heartache and dissappoint for me. I internalized it and told myself that I wasn't worth being loved and wanted in that way.

Since WS has quit PMO, he's seemed to want to be with me more. He's about to hit his 30 day mark and things are generally getting better.

Anyway, last night, before going to bed, I did all the things I thought would do the trick. I left my hair down (it's really long, so I normally put it in a ponytail before going to sleep) and I wore the pretty panties he likes. And...he rejected me. Again. For the billionth time. Just like old times.

He said he was too tired and when I got upset, he tried to blame it on me. He said that he wished I would just ask for it outright instead of leaving him only 90% sure of what I wanted. (I've been using the same methods for six years. He knows when I want sex.)

The difference between this time and all the others is, that before falling asleep, he said, "I know the worst thing to do right now is roll over and go to sleep when you're upset and hurt, but I don't know what else to to." Then he proceeded to roll over and go to sleep.

 

We decided last night that were going to abstain from O and sex for the next 30 days. I'm super nervous that we won't be able to do it. We went over the boundaries list and made a specific list for this experiment.

We thought that incorporating sex back into our relationship would be ok at this point, but he's having problems with it. He's super mean and grumpy and just generally in a bad mood for a few days after having sex and O-ing. He's also gets the chaser effect which scares both of us. This is the longest he's ever gone without P&M.

Not entirely sure where I'm going with this post, guess I'm just documenting.

 

Yeah, we figured he would. Is there any specific stuff we should be addressing? Any recommendations on what to do when the chaser effect comes up?

 

Thanks for the reply. WS has been trying to figure out some hobbies and things he likes to do now that he has so much more time on his hands. When we met, he was so interesting to me because he was incredibly creative. Throughout the years, P basically robbed that from him. He stopped painting and creating. He's told me recently, that he's feeling sparks of that coming back.

 

You know when you have that niggling little suspicion in the back of your mind. You keep dismissing it, keep telling yourself that you're wrong, but it just won't go away?

Yeah...I've been getting that feeling a lot here lately about something WS has said to me. He's denied this thing over and over so much that I've almost started believing him, but every time I think about it, I get that little feeling.

I was poking around earlier, and I might have just stumbled across the truth. I'm waiting for him to get home, so I can talk (confront) him, and I'm shaking. I hate this. When will I stop having to do this? When will the trickle-truth stop?

I might post after our talk.

 

Well, for the first time in forever, I was mostly wrong. I found a email address that I didn't recognize and it scared the crap outta me. It was his, but he hadn't used it in years.

What I am right about is the ogling. He hasn't been honest about how hard it is not to look. He says that if we are out all day, that at the beginning of the day, he does really good but as the day goes on, it gets harder and harder to resist longer glances.

Also, during sex, he's not actually been with me like he wants to be. He spends so much time looking at me, that he's not even there. It's so frustrating to me. I spent so long being ignored, and now, he sees me, but he's looking too much. I don't want to be a porn replacement. I just want it to be normal.

 

Wow, thank you so much for your response. You are right, WS found out pretty quick that sheer willpower wasn't going to magically cure him. The thing that's helping him the most is being held accountable for what he does.

I've thought about going to a partner support group so many times. I feel like it would really help me but I always chicken out.

Again, thank you for taking time to respond.