Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    We've decided to do 90 days no sex. I am both hopeful and terrified.
    WS didn't marry me because he liked me. He didn't marry me because he wanted me. He wanted to be married and I happened to be there. In case you were wondering, he's actually told me this.

    My point is that we've never been "in love" we've never been friends even. We don't have a foundation of love, trust, or mutual respect to fall back on when things get rough between us.
    We've always used sex as a lifeline. It's the only thing that has connected us in any way.

    I feel like this could either go really good, or be the worst thing ever. If we stop sex, it might force us to find other ways to connect, or it might drive us so far apart that we never recover.
    I'm hoping that we'll find out that we actually have things in common. Maybe we'll realize that we like each other? I don't know. WS told me a couple of weeks ago that he's never had a crush on someone. It makes it hard for me to hope that he'll end up liking me after all this.

    I tend to think that when we stop doing the one thing that has kept us feeling connected to each other, everything will fall apart.
    I'll realize that I've wasted six years of my life with a man who hasn't loved me for one minute of that time and he'll figure out that the person he married isn't a strong, stable woman but a weak, foolish girl who is hoping for the kind of love and romance that doesn't happen in real life.

    So....yeah. This is going to be so fun. I can't wait. Hooray for Day One!
     
  2. First...welcome back Rachie!

    Second...you are NOT weak or foolish! Those are lies and do not speak them into your life! You are a beautiful strong woman! God made you beautifully and perfect, exactly the way he wanted. Do not believe for one second you are ANYTHING less!!

    Be you and find your identity in nothing else other than God. That will be the most beautiful you that you can possibly be! :emoji_kissing_heart:
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome back!
    And it might not be good... But we will all be here.
    Remember that.
    Rock Star also just wanted a "life friend"
    You are not alone.
    This is something lots of us experience and are here for you regardless.
    Just let us know how we can help.
     
  4. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouragement @Broken3 and @Kenzi ya'll are the best:p
     
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  5. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    This is going to make me sound like the worse person, and I know the answer is to just be a decent human...but..

    How do I keep from tormenting him for the next 90 days? Most every part of me wants to rub up against him and prance around the house naked, every chance I get.
    The decent part of me says to be nice, and the other, not so nice side, reminds me that he tormented me for 6 years.
    This dilemma is so hard for me...
     
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  6. I just read my morning devotional...and I think maybe some of these words might help you:
    "Stay on the high road with Me...I have called each of My children to a different path distinctly designed for them. Do not let anyone convince you that his path is the only right way. And be careful not to extol your path as superior to another's way. What I require of you is to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Me--wherever I lead."
    (italics from original quoted text)
    Micah 6:8
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
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  7. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Happy Father's day to all the dad's out there!
    This day started really crappy, lots and lots of triggers, but it ended so nice. I think we're making progress on holidays.

    Who knows, maybe someday, all the holidays will end as nicely as today did.

    Side note: no sex sucks
     
  8. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So for six years, WS laid in bed with his back to me. Lately, he has stopped. He's been sleeping very close to me.

    Now, for the next 90 days, I get that same guy back. He can't sleep the way we've been sleeping or he won't last the next 90 days.

    I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be married to someone who liked porn more than anything else in his life.
    I didn't plan on being married to someone who needs to abstain from sex for three months because when we have sex, he objectifies me and uses me to get a dopamine hit.

    Guess who is being punished? Me. I didn't have a husband, partner, friend, or lover for six years.
    I was just getting one. I was finally connecting with him. Now he's gone. I'm stuck with the guy who won't lay wrapped around me at night. Instead, last night, I went to sleep alone. Again.
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hmmm...
     
  10. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    WS is working today and I hate it. I know its necessary, but I feel like we're just moving apart.

    I hardly ever see him anymore and there is a part of me that thinks it would be better if I was officially alone.
    I've been through hell these last few years and for what?

    I've read some of his journal here and there and it's like we live in different houses. I don't know, my thoughts are all over the place.

    He keeps making the same mistakes and hurting me in the same ways and thinks he can apologize and then do it again tomorrow. When does the pain stop?
     
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  11. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So I'd really appreciate some advice on this because I'm freaking out.

    Last night, WS and I had a big argument and there was yelling and just a bunch of stupidity. I told him to sleep downstairs on the couch because I didn't want to see him till today.

    I just skimmed over his journal and it looks like he came upstairs at so.e point in the night. I did not know this, in fact, I don't remember him leaving this morning so I assumed he was downstairs all night.

    He wrote in his journal that he came upstairs because he was triggered to relapse. That's a massive issue.

    First, according to what he has told me, he hasn't been triggered to relapse since he first started his journey over six months ago. I am concerned. We have lots of arguments that don't trigger him. Is it the 90 day celibacy?

    Second, I have explicitly expressed to him that if he is triggered or tempted in any way, he needs to tell me immediately. I have been incredibly clear on this point. He has absolutely no wiggle room on this one. It doesn't matter if we argued. It wouldn't matter if he was in the eye of a tornado, he'd better locate a phone in the midst of the swirling debris.

    He has not said anything to me about last night. I'm concerned that he won't.

    Third, from what I can gather, he did not tell his accountability partner. His AP has also let WS know that he can text or call at any time of the night if he needs to.

    So, I'm obviously thinking the worst right now. I'm worried that he's relapsed and is lying about it in his journal. The biggest worry for me right now is that, once again, he's broken a boundary with me.

    This is usually how this goes. I find out, much later, that he's been triggered. I confront him about not telling me immediately. He pretends to be confused for a minute and then says, "oh yeah! I forgot I was supposed to tell you!" Or, "I knew I was in trouble and didn't want to be in even more trouble." After that, he promises that he'll always tell me immediately. Then, this happens again.

    Where I at right now emotionally: I want to leave. I want to escape whatever pain might be in store for me. I am tired of feeling like this. Constantly worried that one day, I'm going to hear the worst news.

    What do I do?
     
  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    During the height of WS's porn use, he had the worst outlook on life. Everything is falling apart, the world is ending, nothing is ever going to get better, we might as well curl up in a hole and die, ect.

    After stopping porn, his outlook changed. He seemed really happy. Yeah, recovery was difficult, but he could see how things were getting better.

    Now, he back to only seeing the worst in everything. Its exhausting being around him. After spending a day with him, I feel so drained. I've tried to lift him up and the more I try, the farther down he goes.
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Your not responsible for his outlook.
    You are responsible for yourself and your self care.
    He's responsible for how he sees things and how he gets better and adjusts.
     
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  14. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, but in the meantime, how do I deal with living with him? Its incredibly frustrating.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Make yourself happy.
    What makes you feel happy?
     
  16. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Hi, haven't read the entire thread, I confess.

    It sounds like he has already relapsed. Maybe he hasn't looked at porn or whatever his boundary list is, but relapse is the point at which an addict "lights the fuse" so to say all the way through to the point they actually use. It can really only be defined backwards in time. But he's definitely out of emotional sobriety.

    I'm going to assume that it's agreed upon by both of you that you have open rights to read his journal. But even if you do, you're exhausting yourself by trying to figure him out. You're as we say in codependency recovery "taking someone else's temperature to see how you feel".

    I feel you, it's super hard to detach inside of a relationship. In my experience, there came a point where that wasn't going to work anymore and I made changes. But, practice makes better and the hardest time is usually the first. Take Kenzi's advice. Do something for yourself today that makes you happy. Then do it again tomorrow. With enough detachment, you'll start to see more clearly how you can make your own healthy choices for you.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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