Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    In my signature, darling... Rock_Stars Lists
     
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  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Okay cool, thanks :)
     
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  3. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    It's not a stupid question! I didn't know the difference either. Thankfully, @Kenzi breaks it down, so that its easy to understand.
     
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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes, her link was helpful!

    To me, it was always just "checking out", I never heard of the other forms but regardless = any type of looking = :emoji_middle_finger: to my PA. :emoji_smiling_imp:

    I hope you are feeling better today! :emoji_heart:
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I hadn't either. Luckily my PA explained them so I wrote them out for everyone
     
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  6. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you friend. You are the super-est of super wives/moms and I wanna be like you when I grow up
     
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  7. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I am feeling better today!
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ha!
    (dork!) :)
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Im glad :)
     
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  10. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    This is unrelated to what's going on with WS, so I'll keep it brief. Last night, I was able to stand up to my dad, for the sake of my kids and myself.

    I have never been able to have a grown up conversation with him. Its always turned in a ridiculous screaming match that goes nowhere.

    Last night, I was able to keep it together and didn't even cry. Yay me! I was shaking like a leaf and felt like I was going to pass out, but I kept myself together and told him everything that I needed to say.

    This morning, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I am... So proud of you!!!!!
     
  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Our anniversary is coming up. We've never really celebrated our anniversary. One year, we both forgot it and my mom had to remind me.

    We're going out of town on a short trip. We're trying to not make a big deal of it, but it feels like a big deal. WS has said that it feels like our first anniversary, not our sixth. We're both nervous that it will be like all the other times.

    When I get scared about something, I tend to overcompensate and try to make everything perfect. I started doing that the other day, and thankfully, a friend talked me down. Now, I'm just trying to be cautiously optimistic.

    Who knows, maybe it'll be ok.
     
  13. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Something I've never understood. Why ask me how I'm feeling and then when I start telling you, I immediately get interrupted, because you have to defend yourself.

    It's easier not to talk. My feelings have been pushed aside over and over again.
     
  14. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Just a warning, this post might be TMI.


    Our anniversary trip went pretty good. We were both so nervous on the drive. WS was talking a mile a minute and I was just silent. We tried discussing our fears and worries, but that made me even more scared.

    In the past, sex was always very complicated. WS had all these rules. He had rules about when, where, and how I could touch him. If I dressed up, the lingerie had to be a certain color, style, ect.

    At some point, I stopped. I wanted to be under the covers. I wanted the dark. I felt like nothing I was doing would do it for him. He confirmed those fears over and over. Once, after going down, he told me that I should watch P, maybe get some pointers. They just do it better, more sounds, good faces.

    Before our trip, I was worried. WS is in the blue period so I didn't know what to expect. A friend warned me to not expect very much. She told me not to go overboard, just buy some new jammies in case he decided to be super rejectey.

    I didn't listen. I thought, "I'll be fine! I can take it, if he's weird or mean, I'll just go to sleep." I was so scared in the car that I thought I was going to throw up.

    Before this weekend, I had been worrying about how he would react. I forgot to think about whether I would be triggered or not.

    Everything was just weird. He said he was into it. I came out and he was really into it. I was freaking out. My hands were shaking and I felt like I was going to fall over. He says he can't stop thinking about how I looked. I can't stop thinking about how triggered I was. Next time, I'll listen to the smart people.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  16. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    sorry @Rachie - I sucks that something that should be so natural and loving and connecting gets all jacked up and emotionally difficult... I feel for you and with you.
     
  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you
     
  18. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. It does suck.
     
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  19. I understand hun. :( It ruins everything. Big hugs!
     
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  20. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    WS admitted, yesterday, that he hasn't been honest with his saws and notices...again.

    I'm so tired of this. This is a conversation that happens like once a month. He's moving foward. He's growing. He's making so many positive changes but this is one of the things that he just can't seem to get over.

    He says he understands how it hurts me when he lies, but so far, it's not making a difference. He's still lying.

    This cycle needs to be broken.
     
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