Feeling lost

Forgiven10 · Jan 18, 2019

I completed day 1 of being clean and it honestly felt great. I was able to stay encouraged and just focused on different things so that I wasn’t thinking about PMO. This is my first time really being intentional about not PMOing, especially using this accountability resource. Unfortunately, all of this is at the cost of my marriage. This morning I broke down and told my wife about my P usage and PMO. I just felt very guilty and urged to do it after we had an episode where I experienced PIED during sex. She was feeling as if I wasn’t attracted to her and it’s something she’s not doing which also led to her questioning her self image. Tonight, she was breaking down crying. She’s distraught. We’ve also been dealing with infertility in the past year and a half, so obviously now it seems that the reason we’ve been infertile is because I’m Oing more frequently. I told her how far back the addiction goes and she didn’t want to hear it. I’m ashamed. I didn’t know how to how to tell her in the past because I was still ashamed and didn’t consider it an addiction. Of course she sees it as me lying, which I was since I was not honest with her. I don’t have any desire to PMO going forward and want to continue to maintain sobriety. I know I can do it and feel good about doing it. However, it sucks that this is potentially at the cost of my marriage.

jetscooled · Jan 23, 2019

Forgiven10 said: ↑

I completed day 1 of being clean and it honestly felt great. I was able to stay encouraged and just focused on different things so that I wasn’t thinking about PMO. This is my first time really being intentional about not PMOing, especially using this accountability resource. Unfortunately, all of this is at the cost of my marriage. This morning I broke down and told my wife about my P usage and PMO. I just felt very guilty and urged to do it after we had an episode where I experienced PIED during sex. She was feeling as if I wasn’t attracted to her and it’s something she’s not doing which also led to her questioning her self image. Tonight, she was breaking down crying. She’s distraught. We’ve also been dealing with infertility in the past year and a half, so obviously now it seems that the reason we’ve been infertile is because I’m Oing more frequently. I told her how far back the addiction goes and she didn’t want to hear it. I’m ashamed. I didn’t know how to how to tell her in the past because I was still ashamed and didn’t consider it an addiction. Of course she sees it as me lying, which I was since I was not honest with her. I don’t have any desire to PMO going forward and want to continue to maintain sobriety. I know I can do it and feel good about doing it. However, it sucks that this is potentially at the cost of my marriage.
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I know it doesnt help, but you have to stay strong. If you are feeling lost, look into sex addiction and create a tool set that will help you through this. Lots of men find themselves when they embark on this journey. Recovery is a lot about finding yourself and the real person you are. My advice would be to make a toolkit, filled with behaviors youve identfied as problematic and solutions as to how you are going to avoid this. Deleting email accounts and apps, putting a porn blocker on your computer (and this can be helpful since you have a wife so you can have her create a password so that way you cant unblock it) , get rid of magazines, and find healthy alternatives...go on a walk with your wife, find a good tv show to get into, go to the gym, paint, something. the first step is NOT going to be "why do i keep doing this?" that is a question you answer later down the road in recovery. you need to think like you are in crisis mode and the only thing you need to be concerned about at this point is finding a path that will get you to stop for a long period of time so your body and mind can heal. once the physiological aspect of recovery has taken place you will find clarity in your behaviors and will be able to figure out the whys later.

MayaGreen · Jan 24, 2019

What's bad in pmo?

Forgiven10 · Jan 28, 2019

jetscooled said: ↑

I know it doesnt help, but you have to stay strong. If you are feeling lost, look into sex addiction and create a tool set that will help you through this. Lots of men find themselves when they embark on this journey. Recovery is a lot about finding yourself and the real person you are. My advice would be to make a toolkit, filled with behaviors youve identfied as problematic and solutions as to how you are going to avoid this. Deleting email accounts and apps, putting a porn blocker on your computer (and this can be helpful since you have a wife so you can have her create a password so that way you cant unblock it) , get rid of magazines, and find healthy alternatives...go on a walk with your wife, find a good tv show to get into, go to the gym, paint, something. the first step is NOT going to be "why do i keep doing this?" that is a question you answer later down the road in recovery. you need to think like you are in crisis mode and the only thing you need to be concerned about at this point is finding a path that will get you to stop for a long period of time so your body and mind can heal. once the physiological aspect of recovery has taken place you will find clarity in your behaviors and will be able to figure out the whys later.
Click to expand...

This was very encouraging. My apologies for the late response. I have utilized some of the things you mentioned including the internet blocker. I have become very aware of a lot of the triggers I have so I have made lots of adjustments. I also use an app called Brain Buddy which is an added accountability. I’m 11 days clean and it feels good. It’s been on mind frequently throughout the days however it’s becoming easier to manage the urges that come every so often. Thanks a lot for your words and advice!

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