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Feeling lost...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Johns80, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    My SO is 75 days PMO free. It’s been a rough road but things were picking up...until he went out of town. He went to visit some friends. These are great guys and they got together to drink beer and watch football (wives and kids around). There would be absolutely no funny business with these guys (like going to a strip club). So I wasn’t worried. But when he got home I initiated sex because I missed him. He totally rejected me by saying he was tired from staying up late and had a headache from drinking plus the long drive. I completely lost it. Sobbing. My self esteem has been put through the meat grinder with this whole thing so I’m already feeling not good enough. He said he has no idea what to do. That there are going to be times he doesn’t feel it and doesn’t know what to say so I don’t feel rejected or think that he’s PMOed.

    A few days later we saw an EFT therapist and it made things worse. Right away she jumped into D-day and had me describe everything I felt and honestly it was like living it all over again. It was really detrimental to us both. After that he said he doesn’t think this is going to work because he can’t ever make me happy. He said he’s destroyed my life and I’m better off without him. That he can barely live with what he’s done.

    I told him I love him, that he made a mistake, but we’ve taking steps to heal and move on. But I don’t know how to heal or move on or help him forgive himself.
     
  2. Reboot Partner

    Reboot Partner New Fapstronaut

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    I am in tears reading this because I know what you are going through. It is beyond difficult to remain strong and not feel rejected by the one we love. We only pray that they are truly being honest with their reboot to try to save themselves and their relationship. I know you feel lost. I am just starting this journey with my partner and I am numb.
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Well he Should be passed Flatline...
    And I'm sorry... There is no other way to say it (I'm sitting here with my SO right now) and we both agree that it sounds like a relapse... He doesn't want to tell you about.
    The first thing that you should want to do after being apart, is be intimate...
    I don't necessarily mean sex.
    But
    Not break up.
    I hope you are doing well.. I realize this is a couple days ago.
    PM me if you need to.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My husband told me this all the time. He always said I would be better off without him, that he had hurt me too much, etc. but never did he suggest ending the relationship.

    It striked me as strange that he didn't want to be intimate when coming back from a trip, so I agree with @Kenzi that maybe something happened and he didn't want to tell you. But the only way to know is to talk about it with him, and hopefully he can be honest.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    It's possible that he really was tired and had a headache!

    I think its a measure of the damage that this addiction does, that the SOs are naturally fearful of the worst and sensitive to any signs that the PA might be going off the rails. Difficult though it is in practice, it's helpful to try to look at the general direction of travel, the progress made over the weeks, the increase in intimacy and improvement in communication rather than focussing on the inevitable bumps in the road where things aren't as you'd hope them to be.

    He's feeling huge remorse and guilt, feeling that he isn't worthy of your love and is fearful that he might let you down again and ruin both your lives for good. Add that into the daily stresses of life and it would be amazing if there weren't the odd day when he didn't feel like Mr. Studmuffin.

    So he may be a weak-willed, duplicitous bastard who has relapsed and not told you, or he may be just struggling with the stresses of all this, like we all are.

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
    Jennica and Johns80 like this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Honestly?
    If he's tired... I do all the work.
    Like, if he's That tired.
    But after being apart?
    How do you NOT want to be together???
    Maybe this is something I don't understand.
    I know it's something my SO has had to work on... Immensely.
    But may be.... PAs in general do... Idk
     
  7. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @Kenzi

    I think you are writing that as someone with a very high libido who expects/feels like having sex every day, if not twice a day! Not everyone is like that (my wife for one!). Also we don't know how long they had been apart. It might have only been one or two nights away in which case I'd cut the guy some slack if he was cream-crackered. (As we say in dear old Blighty)

    ANH
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Respect!
    You do add a unique voice and I always value your opinion and your attention to things I tend to overlook because I can't see past my own.. Animal aspects.
    I understand where You could be coming from.
    And I do relate that there are probably more like your situation, than my situation in the world...
    For the record...
    This is a very difficult thing for me to come to see, so thank you.
    @anewhope you have been a very valuable part of my personal journey.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  9. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @Johns80 I understand all too well those feelings of rejection and not feeling good enough for your partner. :( I would have probably "lost it," too. Without the PA issue, it might not have been so gut-wrenching as sometimes people really ARE just tired and headachey. With our history with PA, though, it would bring up feelings of uncertainty and fear of the past rearing its head if my SO came home from a trip and rejected me.

    @anewhope made a good point -- this could be a "bump in the road." My SO and I have certainly had them!

    How long have you been doing EFT? We've had 3-4 EFT couple's sessions with our most recent being today. My SO definitely has had difficult feelings arise around how he's hurt me and if I'd leave him, lots of shame, fear, and sadness. As we've done more therapy, he's come a very long way in being able to recognize, sit with, and express these feelings. The "road" is less "bumpy" now as we're both learning and growing with EFT. Hopefully as you do more EFT, you will experience more healing and calm like I am feeling today.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I can't do EFT... LITERALLY.
    It was a horrible horrible fit for us.
    You can't force emotions when they aren't there yet (personal opinion based in our personal journey) so we decided to work on the behavior part until the emotions emerged.
    This worked way better and I wasn't so frustrated about lack of empathy
     
  11. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @Kenzi

    What a lovely post - thank you! You've helped so many people here with your wit and wisdom. If I've managed to help you along the way too then that makes me very happy.

    <Hugs>

    ANH
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.

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