Feeling lonely and depressed

SORRY FOR LONG POST. My gf left me, maybe cheated, our sex life was non-existant, me having sexual dysfunctions and stressful (was a virgin then). I just wasnt there in the relationship, If you know what I mean. It was my first relationship though, but it left me a big mark of unhappiness and failure. Right now I feel lonely.I have been on/off of porn for 3 months now with few relapses. Maybe because of the quitting, my emotions have been coming up and I want real intimacy and now I miss it, for real? I have always been fine being single, because porn was my sexual release and that made me lazy and I had no urges to pursue any relationships. But now it is different. Now i feel lonely. Maybe That no longer there IS no porn to supress my emotions I really have to deal with them? Quitting porn is beneficial, but this life right now, I just feel dull and I dont even know what I want anymore. I just feel no drive towards anything. Weird right? Maybe because of my relationship going down the drain and I just feel bad about it? It really weird and my motivation is basically non-existant. Maybe because I feel like I have wasted 7 years of my life watching porn when I could have had healthy relationships. I remember when I was 15 I told myself that enough IS enough and I need a gf. Never made the effort.

Why? Because porn was so good back then and I thought everyone watches it. I knew it was a problem becuase i shame spiraled it and hid it, not get caught. Porn just Made me think like sex is a fantasy and gave me huge expectations towards how I should perform and what to do. There was no emotional connection, i didnt lost myself, like I did with porn. I Made sex so obsessive and not in a healthy way. I was like when sex is no go why Even bother being with her.

Not to mention those ED problems which only made things worse and I just masturbated rather than trying improve our sex life. + Penis size issues. Honestly i dont even know If it was PIED or maybe performance anxiety, since those were my first times. But yeah to really think about it, i dont get full erections or they wont stay erect long enough, because my brain needing constant stimulation when Im with a girl so probably PIED.I was too obnoxious To think there Are other forms of sexual play rather than PIV. I felt broken, like i wasnt functioning sexually. But never during that time it might have a relation to porn. Not even once. My mind was too absorbed into it. To think about it i just feel huge shame and regret over how I acted and stuff. I really hate myself because of it. She just wanted me to be with her on every level(mentally, spiritually and mindfully) but damn it my porn mind just thought about her like an object not as a person and I couldnt provide her that. I never told anyone i had these problems in bed or whatever because i was too embarrased that might people make fun of me and i was too scared to discuss it with her(also talking about sex) because fear of rejection and embarrasment.And AT those times i just made myself excuses that we have no place to have sex and stuff, so i just wanked off killing my libido(those anxieties over failure also contributed) and making me just lazy, unfaithful and non-commited to even do things with her. If i would really wanted to have sex, i would have figured out something... I just wanked off in the shower or with porn. I was constantly horny but usually wanked those out rather than having sex with her. I thought why bother dealing with the stress but damn it, it would have been beneficial and so deserving, masturbation and porn is so much easier, but that way of thinking was in a subconsicous level not consicously. But that is so unfair to her, who also has her needs and stuff. No Wonder she left me. I wasnt ready for it. But that thought to know that she might have cheated on me, is just another blow to me. It adds to that depression. I feel a failure and a idiot for what it all has been throughout my past and how I behaved and stuff. I just look at people around me, and thought has anybody ever acted or Made choices like I have made. I see them smiling with their SOs and having long lasting relationship where they truly put the effort. I just feel I dont belong there. I see my ex AT School everyday and i see she is happy, she has a new bf, who probably gives his all to her, while i am just bitter and lonely and dealing with my stupid addiction. I behaved so bad towards to her but that is not because i hate her, because i hate myself and i just show that bitterness towards her trying to build my ego upon it and to look like better. But in fact that is just shady. I have realized these and those things make me depressed to think how toxic person i really am. I dont even want to be around with people, because I feel like I dont deserve their attention. I just want to sit AT home and just vegetate. Crazy to talk about it here.

Now I just feel empty, like a part of me is gone, which IS porn, but damn it i must do it if want my life to be meaningful. Im in a hard state right now but i Will try to keep improving no matter how long or hard this road is. I know obsessively thinking on quitting about porn wont help me or what day i am on. I just need that habit out of my life so to speak. Just wanted to share my story and what Im feeling right now. So yeah we Will see, just have to pick myself up piece by piece. This is what porn has done to me, but it IS not all of its fault, it IS my fault for having it and other factors aswell and how my personality IS. Porn just fucked up my expectations and ideas about sex and those things just added pressure to me and obviously then i wouldnt perform with those kinds of pressure i have put myself on. Basically sex had to be like porn or else it IS failure.

 

Really thankful for this, your reply gives me courage. I Will give no more excuses anymore to myself and continue doing the nofap