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Feeling angry, apathetic and doubting my relationship...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Ref0rm, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. Ref0rm

    Ref0rm Fapstronaut

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    I've been addicted since i was 15. I'm 34 now...

    I'm trying to quit... Now that i really look at my habits, I'm much better than i was... Living by myself. A night of pmo really was a NIGHT of pmo...6 hour sesh. Up till 4am with work the next day.

    Now for the past year and a bit, i live with my SO (of 6 years) , so i suppose just because of lack of choice, I've been forced to a quick 30 minutes where i can.
    I keep relapsing, but i AM trying and i want to get there...

    Now that we live together I'm constantly doubting whether i should be with her. I get angry at her, usually in my head, that she isnt doing "this", or she isnt "that" sexually. I get angry that she's just around and wish i was alone. Habits that I found cute before irritate me. I know i can be short and dismissive towards her... I do all this and feel terrible once i come to my senses.
    I'm not sure what i want. I couldn't bear to break her heart and I know it would kill me. And I've always felt a draw to be alone no matter who I'm with...

    I don't know whether it's actually what i feel, or if my mind is freaking out that someone may come between it and its pmo...
    Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this?
     
    vxlccm likes this.
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Hey! I just want to share with you. My husband was getting increasingly angry and frustrated with me over the last couple of years. He would make subtle comments about my weight (I am not overweight), or my hair. He was never interested in sex.
    After I found out about his porn issues, he went nofap. It has been 16 days of no PM and the difference in how he treats me and how he views the world is incredible. For the first time in 2 years, I feel visible. And wanted.
     
  3. Ref0rm

    Ref0rm Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for the reply.
    I know I've made comments and she has said several times she feels as if I'm judging her... If you don't mind me asking. Did your husband say anything about Being aimless. Having no goals?

    Hearing that things are turning around for you both gives me a little hope.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  4. Hi @Ref0rm,

    From my experience I can almost guarantee you. Stop PMO totally, and within a week, your attitude, words and deeds will change for the better. Basically, once you acknowledge your addiction and take corrective action, without excuses and loopholes you start feeling good about yourself, then you will treat others better.

    You can do this. You will reap the rewards and so will she.
     
  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Well, I do not know about your girl or your relationships, but I would tell you from my experience.
    When my PA SO was heavily PMO he was:
    • Agressive towards me
    • Annoyed with me being around
    • Got angry if I was in the way between him and porn
    • Was skipping any activity together
    • Was sabotaging going out (like in the middle of the park walk were saying that he needs to go home, and we're just leaving me alone in the park)
    • Was complaining that I'm not sexy enough, he's not attracted to me, or I perform something not the way he wants
    • Was angry when I was into S with him
    • Was angry when I was not into S with him (what a joke, right?)
    • When we were intimate I can bet he was in his fantasy world
    • I was literally invisible to him
    • He took everything for granted
    • I was feeling he HATES me
    We had 8 days not long ago without him PMO and he was different person. Absolutely loving, caring and out of the brain fog.

    Try to stop PMO and fantasy, stop thinking about other people and there is a chance you'd see the difference.
    It's a known fact that porn makes you doubt your partner, makes her less attractive, less interesting and so on.
     
  6. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Also want to add that couple of days ago I've got the feeling he continue PMO or P-subs or smth else, and wanted reassurance that he's not.

    I've asked him openly and my question let to the huge argument and, well, all these nice 8 days come to the end. He got really defensive to my shock.

    There is two ideas why:
    1. he started over again, that's why he became brutally defensive and agressive.

    Or

    2. its part of the chasing effect after O (we tried so called karezza style S and it led to O for him once). I've just read one guy tread about the effect of O on him, his relationship and so on. So that's why I still keep in mind that he might not sleept into the old habit.

    So from my experience I can say that truly abstaining of PMO or P, PM, could have HUGE effect.
    Relapse could lead to the same place you've been before the start.

    It's just my thoughts, I'm not really experienced, just learning, and that's what I've noticed.

    Hope guys who know more would add their thoughts on the subject.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  7. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Hey! So I asked my husband and he said his motivation tanked and he started getting depressed (although he said he didn't realize at the time). He says that refraining from PMO has been like a veil being removed from him and that he didn't realize how many areas of his life were being affected. He thought it was stress relief, but that it was poison.
     
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  8. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    Porn absolutely messes up your mind. It absolutely effects how you feel about yourself and others. A lot of what you describe could happen in any relationship. But I know that porn will make things worse in any relationship. You really need to clear your mind of porn. Then you will see things much more clearly. You'll probably find a lot of things far less irritating.

    Me too. It truly is poison. And it seeps through all areas of your life.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  9. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    @Ref0rm

    In my experience, the times in my life that I was regularly looking at porn (a couple times a week or more) I was a different person than when I wasn't. I've been with a wonderful woman for 18 years and during those times I would grow distant from her, become more selfish and self-centered.

    It can be difficult - but if you ever want to get to know who you actually are, you need to quit. Not just a little, but really quit. All of a sudden you'll see the world (including your partner) in a very different light.

    People on this forum use dramatic language to describe the horrors of pornography addiction, and it may seem fanciful to someone new here - but I can assure you that in my personal experience porn will take a Dr. Jekyll and turn him into Mr. Hyde.
     
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  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Do you have difficulty performing in bed ? Do you initiate sex less as you prefer pmo? Are you angry at her because you believe she's the reason that you can't pmo as much? I think most of the SOs can say for sure that a pmo addiction effects a relationship in so many ways. You are hiding your true self from someone and I can't imagine how stressful it must be to keep up that type of charade. You should look forward to taking time out to have sex with her not sneak time away to MO to porn. You need to cut it out entirely all of it. Often times addicts of all type never realize they have a problem until they live with someone or get married and the other person says wait that's not normal. Often you end up feeling anger at the person or reason you have to stop the addiction. I suspect much of what you are feeling is related to this. You can't do it every once in awhile it has to stop if you want to recover. I always say to addicts put yourself in her position reverse the scenario. My live in girlfriend is mean to me and I don't know why. All she does is pick at things I do my looks she complains I don't do what she wants in bed. She seems disinterested in sex and I feel like she does not want to be around me. I know something's wrong but not what. I ask her she won't tell me. Then imagine you find out she's sneaking into the bathroom and watching other naked men and moing instead of being with you? Sometimes this helps addicts understand.
     
  11. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Yep, that's how it works.
    Awful to be on resiving end of it.
    And, without deep details, that's 1:1 true scenario of all addicts in relationships life.
    True story, bro
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  12. Ref0rm

    Ref0rm Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the posts, everyone. I'm typing on a mobile so i have no idea how to do multiple quotes, but I'll reply to you all...

    @Wazzbler
    thanks for the encouragement and the experience. I'm hoping that putting a stop to this will have as drastic effect as you and others have suggested.

    @Shockedbuddy
    That is like a mirror of my list of shame. Not just the way i act and think about my SO, but totally my social situation. I used to be such an extrovert, but as the years went on, my addiction got worse, i would avoid social situations and get anxious when i was out. When i am "forced" to go out, even just to meet mates, part of me just wants to bail and stay home.
    I hope all goes well for you both during your SO's recovery.
    That karezza style seems interesting, but i could really see it frustrating me.

    @Sadgirl
    Thanks for asking and the info. Sounds familiar. That poison rather than stress relief really is something that i will remember every time i sit at my computer.

    @LavaMe and @Icarium
    Thank you both for the encouragement. I'm going to get through it this time. I've got such a positive feeling about it!

    @GG2002
    You know what the really messed up thing about my performance in bed is... It's not always poor. I only get pied every now and then... Not that messed up?
    Well the reason why i don't get it as often, is because i worked out a in depth strategy to manage performance. I'd not PMO at all within 24hrs of S,but if it got 2 days between PMO and i hadnt had S, I'd have to PMO to make sure i wouldn't get ED the next time ...so i would have this Window of time where i was confident i wouldn't get ED... Within 24hrs of PMO? ED for sure. If i wait too long... Loss of Sex drive and ED again... After i thought of what i used to do, i thougt, that's so messed up and unnecessarily stressful.
    Also. I had never thought of the situation from the other way around. Really puts things in perspective...




    I do have to say 1 last thing. I'm only 2 or so days in, but i feel pretty confident. I really want to thank you all for replying. It's helps alot to hear that frankly, this happens to others and that there's light at the end of this tunnel.

    One got to tell you all about this habit that I've picked up over the last week... I use my PC alot, and for years my habitual behaviour of a night after work is... Get home, boot up pc, type in favourite P site. I wouldn't even get changed, get a drink, whatever...
    Now i still jump on my pc instantly, i open up my browser straight away, but the last week I've trained myself to type in nofap.com instead... Feels good. Feels like a small victory..
    So thanks again
     
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  13. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Keep moving.

    Also, think a bit that M is a compulsive behavior, like, for example, nail biting. There should be an underlying issue also. Think of it. This is the way to cope with emotions. I'm telling it from the other GUYS experience, which I've read about here, on the forum.
    You feel happy - P, angry - P, sad - P, bored - P, even if your head hurts u use P to cope with it. It became coping mechanism with your emotions.

    From my experience: my SO were saying, oh, we argued, you acted as a be@tch, I needed a stress relief.
    See, he didn't say: we argued, I took time to think and process my emotions, to work on it. He just found an enjoyable way to cope with an argument, basically escaped it for the moment. Next time the argument appeared the coping mechanism would already know what to do. Anger => PMO => Dopamine => fast stress relief. It works with all kind of emotions.
    That's why guys who are PMO free now (just started the journey or already for a long time there) claim that they became a bit closer with their emotions. And if they do PMO free properly, journaling their triggers and urges, somehow they found out this emotional spots, which usually would lead them to the PMO world.

    Talking about karezza, this is the way to bond with your partner, it's not really S, it's just truly intimate experience, like tantra. What could be learned? Being present in the moment The HERE and NOW moment, without your mind rushing for something stimulating to get an O with your partner or perform like a superhero. This is about being present, feel yourself, your partner. Oddly S is not really what we see in P. If you haven't done it, read about Coolige effect and dopamine. Also should help a bit.


    Anyway, I wrote a lot, hope to hear something from you.

    Remember: you are doing great, keep going.


    And also sorry for mistakes, English is not my native language, so. ;)
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2017
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  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly my SO would say that too well we had a fight you were mean I PMOed I just wanted to feel better. So blaming me and not accepting responsibility too. When I pointed out that he still did it before he met me and when we were not fighting he had no explanation. You have to learn to deal with and process emotions in a healthy way and for many that's actually harder than stopping pmo. They just find other ways to not cope.
     
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  15. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Yep, exactly, part of the PMO (behind the other reasons) is a Pavlov's learned way to cope with the situation, emotions and so on.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  16. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    You totally hit the nail on the head. My husband said that M came before P- in that he was addicted to M but P helped that along. He said when he was stressed, angry, sad, bored, M made it feel better.
    Also, since he stopped PMO 19 days ago, and I quit MO about 8 days ago, sex has been way more fulfilling. He said "I never knew it could be like this, and I agree.

     

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