So I guess I'll just start by saying that I haven't been happy in a long fucking time. I mean truly happy. I've had some fucked up things happen in my life, which I won't discuss too much because it's just too personal, but pretty much it's just left me feeling so fucked up. I mean, there are people out there who have it much worse, and I try to appreciate what I have, but you can't change what happens in your life and sometimes it's hard to move on. So, I lost one of my parents to cancer about a year ago and it's been hard to move on from it. I'm not gonna delve into details, but that's what happened. It's left me all fucked up. Ever since then and even before that, I worked 12 hours a night 5 days a week. I've been doing that for almost 2 years and while I'm grateful to have a job, it's just too much sometimes because all I do is fucking work and sleep and it's no way to live my life. Ok, rewind about a month ago. I was a virgin until last month and one random night I had sex with a girl at my friends house. I didn't really know her, but I had heard about her for years and then finally just hooked up with her. It was fun as hell and everything, but it left me feeling pretty empty inside because it was just sex. I always thought having sex would change everything. I was wrong. I actually think I have feelings for the girl. I fucking hate to admit it, but I actually still kinda feel things for her. I've hooked up with another girl since then and I really felt nothing for her, but the first girl I actually felt things for. I keep wondering if it's just because it was my first time. It was a completely new experience for me, so it's no surprise if I feel new feelings. For her it was just casual sex, which is fine, but I still think of her sometimes. I think it's more than just the fact that she was my first. There are things about her that I find very interesting. I mean, it doesn't matter because it's not gonna go anywhere. I'm just not sure if I feel like this because of her or because it was my first time and it was "special" to me. Either way, I realized that when I hooked up with her, I hadn't been that fucking happy in so many years. It wasn't even the sex, which was great, but it was really just having that connection with someone. I was new to sex sure, but this shit just felt like more than that. Sleeping with her and holding hands, staring into each others eyes, kissing passionately and all that shit. It's hard for me to describe this because I'm not the most romantic person. So yeah, I've lost someone extremely close to me because of fucking cancer, I work a long, boring job and have no time to do anything, and I don't have anyone "special" in my life, romantically. I just feel really depressed and empty. To think having sex would make me feel even worse. I mean, I'm definitely glad that I had sex, but I was not aware of how it can make you feel. Anyway, any feedback is appreciated. Gotta go to work now. Fuck.