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Feel sick over lost virginity & scared of sex

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Kristen, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    I lost my virginity
    When I was 20 years old. November 10/2015

    To a person I didnt like or find attractive. I never planned on losing my virginity and i never wanted it to happen. But out of obligation and fear of hurting someones feelings i threw away my virginity to a stranger i met online.

    Thinking of my virginity. I just wanna die.
    I wish i could reverse time and take it back but I cant.
    I want to stop touching my body thats been used. I want to throw it away. Abandon it. I never want to be anywhere near this body. I feel diagusting and used.
    But i cant run away from my own body.

    I wanna get away from it so badly.
    I hate it so much.

    Even if I wash and shower so much it doesnt matter. It doesnt change the fact that im a used peice of meat.
    I hate it.
    I ways cry so much about it.
    Being so frustrated. Not being able to get away.

    Im a Christian and just feel no decent true Christian boy is gonna want to be with a non virgin.
    Its so specail and even for me at first I got attatched to the guy i lost.my virginity too. It was meant to be something specail. Now I have nothing to offer. No deep connection I can share with someone anymore.

    Im probaby gonna be single forwver but just the thought of not having that anymore.

    Makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me hate myself. I cry and I just want to get away and forget. Like it was all just a bad dream but it wasnt
    It happened it was real.

    Its bot just because of religion. Even without religion. I feel disgusting and used.

    When i was young i used to wonder if people got excited thinking about there first time when they think back on it.
    But to me. Anytime i picture it going into me. i feel sick. Like im going to throw up.

    Or sometimes i feel angry and wish i could have snapped that stupid thing in half before it was ever able to touch me.

    Im scared to be in a relationship now. Because sex scares me so much. All my sexual expriences was either me being molested or it done against my will.

    I never wanna feel that feeling again. So sex in general makes me feel sick.

    The only way i can cope is just doing foreplay and only I initate it.
    Because if i guy tries to. I feel sick and scared. Like a dread come over me. My stomach just drops.
    And sex, makes me want to disassociate.
    Even me as a religious person knows that god created sex for e joyment and it is an act of love.
    But I cant comprehend that.
    Sex to me is anyhing but loving. Its a selfish thing where men use you.
    Logically i know what i should think and feel about it. But my body feels otherwise. Just the sickening dread of it that comes over me anytime i even think about it.
    I cant help it.

    Even Im scared of being in a relationship in real life because i know having a boyfriend is a step too close to having sex. Thats where it leads too in the end.
    Hence why im single.

    Fapping is better hen sex. At least i feel safe. Although i have to admit. On cam after i fap for someone. During and even after i feel sick. Like i.had just been violated. Like I had just been abused or used or something.

    I feel the most safe and secure when I am doing hard mode and am on a good streak.
    And no guys trying to pursue me.

    Does anyone know why I feel the way I do?
    Anyone else felt like this?
     
  2. Forget what has happened . Life is about moving forward.
    Your soul mate would never object you on what has happened with you in the past which was actually an accident
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  3. I'm truly sorry that you feel so low about yourself. I personally can't relate to this specific issue because I never put much value on virginity. We're all here to support each other and though I'm fighting different battles than you I still hope you can find a way forward. I've made my own bad sexual mistakes but I refuse to let them define the rest of my life or define my identity, including my sexual identity.
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  4. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry that you are feeling this way and going through this. I know how hard these feelings and emotions can be to deal with. It feels like such a lonely place to be at times. What you are going through, is a struggle with shame. You are carrying this shame and it is so heavy, I understand. I think I can speak for everyone on here and in this world, we have all done something we regret and feel ashamed about, especially in the sexual area, we are human after all, often times we learn from making mistakes, so I don't think you should feel that you should beat yourself up and I don't think you should feel that you are ''used'' and ''disgusting'' (or unlovable). Reading your story, I don't think that way about you, most people would not think that way about you - sometimes our own internal beliefs create our own suffering. Do you think you could change your own beliefs around? Take this example, imagine someone you deeply care about, a friend, a family member, anyone that you are close to, and imagine they came to you and told you the same thing that you have gone through, would you look down on them, would you judge them or see them as a piece of meat? No, most likely, you would care deeply about them, nothing would change, you would support them and love them regardless, they would remain the same in your eyes if not more precious because they need your help. Now, see what you are doing to yourself, you are judging, condemning and abandoning yourself, when you wouldn't do that to someone you love. I believe we should treat ourselves the same way that we would treat the people we love, we should be just as compassionate and forgiving towards ourselves as others, the internal should be equal to the external.

    Understand that you cannot become ''used'' or ''disgusting''/''dirty''. These feelings/emotions are tied in with your own internal beliefs and they become projected outwards, but they aren't real. We are born pure, empty and simultaneously full, it is only our own beliefs and our own programming that we accumulate through life and experiences that suppresses our natural purity and innocence that cannot be touched. Do you feel it? Beneath all the fear and the pain and the noise in your mind, do you feel that ''something'' behind it all that remains still and present? That's the real you, that pure and innocent you waiting to be embraced, or others may even call it ''god'' when they glimpse it. You are pure, you just have to find yourself again because right now you feel lost and confused.

    Don't worry about not being a ''virgin'' anymore. I mean, what does that even really mean? ''Virgin''. Sounds like an idea created by man to control others. I think that's all that ''virginity'' is, an idea and an idea that tries to be metaphysical itself and enslave people that were already born perfect before that idea was even fathomed. I used to believe sex was something special when I was younger, but that idea was just a belief I held and it did cause me suffering, it was only when I let that belief go that I could see the truth, it is simply a physical act and nothing more, like exercise. What is special, or what matters, is your actual connection with another human being, heart to heart, soul to soul. If someone cannot love you for your past, then that is simply a reflection of who they are and why would you want to be with someone like that, right? Personally, having contemplated this deeply and sincerely before, I would easily get into a relationship with even a prostitute, because I don't see anything but a human being, there is no bullshit beliefs or ideas contaminating or deforming my view of reality, do you understand? As long as someone is a good person, which you are, as long as they are loving and forgiving and care, then that person is perfect to me.

    My suggestion here is to remain on your path of no PMO. Give yourself time to heal and to change. Seek professional help if you think you could do that. Work through these issues, one by one. Eventually you will find a man that will accept you and love you regardless of anything, and when you allow yourself to trust this man, which is allowing you to trust yourself, a door to self-trust and self-love will open for you and the past will slip away as if it were only a dream that you believed was real. Good luck, and feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk.
     
    Matrix Intel and 42Oh like this.
  5. You don't value yourself enough. The thing about a Christian not wanting to be with a non virgin is not true.
    The thing that you need to work on is your negative thinking. It's happened to me in so many relationships. If you think that they don't like you/want you/using you chances are that it's going to turn out that way, even if it wasn't their intention in the first place.
    The way you think opens you up to those possibilities because that's the vibe you project out into the world.

    As a kid I used to listen to a lot of emo and breakup songs because of my sisters and as I grew up the things I used to pump into my head manifested in real life and I could never form a real connection because I was programmed that way.
    Why do you think people listen to those self-help audios when they sleep? It's not going to work in a day or a week, but over several sessions you condition your brain to the affirmations and your negative thinking turns into a more confident and positive one.

    When you want to be in a relationship with a decent person and you do everything in your power to make it work and not fuck it up, things will work out in your favor. Saying No to "taking the next step in a relationship" and holding out, that's what's important. The person you were 5 minutes ago isn't who you are right now if you're determined to change.
     
  6. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    Its sort of about value of virginity. But just also allowig someone to use me like that. It was really emotionally traumatizing
     
    42Oh likes this.
  7. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    My feelings and beleifs have nothing to do with religion and value of virginity.
    Its mostly to do with the fact that..I
    let a stranger inside of me like that. Its super emotionally traumatizing. I just wish someone could understand.

    I didnt want it to happen. It was against my will but i was to afraid to say stop
     
    42Oh likes this.
  8. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    No worries, I didn't refer to religion in my post.

    I do understand where you're coming from. It's really hard to live with those emotions, but mostly the thoughts and internal beliefs that feed those emotions. Things will get better with time, but not if you don't correct your thoughts and beliefs (not referring to religion here lol). The only way you will be able to release that shame and trauma that you feel, is if you get to know yourself and reflect on what is going on inside of your mind, how your thoughts and beliefs are directly affecting and supporting how you feel right now. There is no easy way out, I am sorry. I wish I could be of more help, but there is only so much one can do from the internet, and even in therapy, it is never the counsellor or psychologist that can help us, they only open up points that we don't see ourselves but it is up to us to address those points and inevitably save ourselves. Do you understand? I hope so. If you wish, send me a PM, I will help as much as I can.
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  9. 42Oh

    42Oh Guest

    I feel so bad seeing the pain in your words. You went through a traumatic experience and unfortunately it's damaged you. Please just try to remember that you were a victim, so this incident has nothing to do with your character or integrity or value as a person.

    I've struggled in my life to handle the lasting impact of traumatic experiences, and was recently diagnosed with PTSD and depression. If you can, i hope you will consider talking to a psychologist or counsellor who might be able to help you recover from this.

    My best wishes to you in your journey.
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  10. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    That idea that you "have nothing to offer" because you've lost your virginity--that's a lie. Don't believe that. You have within you a very real ability to connect with people on a deep, intimate level--this post from you is evidence of that. It takes a lot of courage to speak out and share your feelings like you've done here.

    I can say this to you because you're a Christian--there is no experience that Jesus can't redeem and bring healing to.

    Look at the story of Saul/Paul in scripture. I know you think you've done something bad--but I hardly think you did anything as bad as killing and torturing Christians, like Saul did. And yet, he became one of the most influential Christians in history, writing 75% of our New Testament. Rahab was a prostitute. David was an adulterer. And yet they are remembered as people who God did amazing things through.

    It's funny how this addiction can express itself. You've talked about how dirty it felt to be used, feeling like you were just an outlet for men's pleasures. Well, for most of my life, I've wanted to feel that way. I've wanted to be objectified by women, to have women simply desire me for sexual pleasure ... because if women wanted me sexually, that meant I was 'good enough.' It meant I was desirable and lovable. Isn't that insane? So I've spent most of my adult life chasing that validation, and in the process, causing myself and the people I love some serious damage. I was repeatedly unfaithful to my wife, who's probably the best person I know. I did those things as a Bible-believing Christian. If I really wanted to, I could just live in shame over that--all day, every day--because what kind of Christian repeatedly cheats on his beautiful wife? But I know the weight of that shame will only lead to my destruction. Today, although she and I still love one another unconditionally, we are divorced. But here I am, taking life a day at a time, and I'm hopeful for the future because I realize there is another way to live.

    The fact that you can come to a forum like this and share such deep feelings and experiences is a very good sign for your ability to recover from this. Connection is going to be your friend during this process, whether it's here in a forum, or in a support group like SLAA (which I highly recommend, since there tend to be a lot more women in those meetings).

    You can do this. Glad you're here!
     
  11. HelloSalute

    HelloSalute Fapstronaut

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    There are guys out there that will absolutely wait till marriage before they have sex... I'm not a virgin, but I changed and decided to wait till marriage for any sex... I've had girls actually turn me down because they couldn't deal with that. And if that's the case, they aren't fit for me. I'm sure you've heard the saying, there's plenty of fish in the sea. There really is, even if you're in a spot in the ocean that doesn't seem to have many.

    Not to judge you, but why do you do those cam things for other guys? You speak so low of everything in regards to sex. That's actually commendable, you should totally wait till marriage. Stop doing all those things. If a guy is not going to respect you enough to wait for you, you don't want him, throw that person away, get rid of them from your life.


    ... I happen to be listening to Taylor Swift Bad Blood. Such a great song. It's legit good. Thought I'd share that.

    Wish you the best in whatever you do and peace be with you.
    Stop looking at porn if you do that.
    May God and Jesus Christ bless you in your life.

    [​IMG]
     
  12. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    I
    I feel the same way. That if men want me sexually its a good thing and makes me feel wanted. But the thing is I want ro feel desirable so bad. I throw away any standards i have just to make people happy. I do thing things and allow thinga that make me feel like my blfy is garbage after. I willingly traumatize myself.
    I hate it
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  13. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    Because of just wanting validation and just wanting ro be desirable..loved...

    But it makes me feel sick the whole time cause im forcing myself to do things i dont want to do.
    But the desire to feel wanted and loved is so strong
    I try ro ignore the voice in my head that doesnt want this to happen
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  14. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    The problem is that people like you and me confuse sexual passion with real love and acceptance.

    We seek the end goal: sexual connection. It makes us feel desired, right? But it's the wrong goal. Instead of seeking to be desired, we should spend time working on ourselves, to become the kind of people who are naturally desirable. It may seem like a small distinction, but it's an extremely important one.

    Take my situation, for instance: for almost 20 years now, I've constantly sought validation from other women. But when I read surveys where they ask women what they think is the #1 most attractive quality in a man, do you know what they say? Literally 100% of the surveys I've seen have said "confidence." And yet, confidence is something I have very little of. And why is that? Because I put all of my sense of self-worth in whether or not women are drawn to me ... which makes me insecure in general, but especially insecure around women.

    But what if I were to temporarily forget about women, and just focus on "doing me?" If I could get to a place where I could simply be comfortable with who I am--on my own, without the need for external validation--well, then that alone would go miles toward improving my confidence and sense of self, and with it, I'd start to get more attention from women. I think that's why so many guys on NoFap report a certain 'magnetism' with women the longer they stay clean.

    All of this is to say that you're living under an illusion. You are worth incredibly more than what you can offer sexually. Your sexuality is a vital part of your life, for sure--but still, it is only part of your life.

    Take some time to just focus on Kristen. You don't need men to help you do that.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  15. Trust me, there are plenty of Christian guys who would love to share a connection with you. Don't believe those lies. Don't you know that Jesus has died for you and will wash away everything in the past, every hurt, every doubt, every lie that is in your mind. There is ALWAYS redemption, I can guarantee that. Even the most evil, wicked people in this world can be saved and redeemed. Jesus loves everyone. Please move forward, and very importantly, beat any self-sexual pleasure addiction. You are loved very much dear, I promise you that. I cannot stress this enough. I was in the dark too once.
     
  16. There is so much truth in what you said that I don't even know where to begin. The things Jesus reveals to us. I'm almost tempted to write down on paper what you just said. God sent.
     
    SuperFan and 42Oh like this.
  17. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Happy to be of help ... and you are an inspiration to me, with 195 days. I look forward to joining you there someday.
     
    Matrix Intel likes this.
  18. I look at Nofap like a lake, ocean or some other body of dirty water. How big or dirty that body of water is depends on the intensity and duration of the addiction, and individual factors as well. Every time you abstain, it's like adding crystal clear water to your body of water, or in this case, mind. This is why it's important to not sweat relapses, especially after a long streak. As long as you keep adding that clean water, your body of water will continually get cleaner and cleaner. It also makes you face reality for what it is. This journey has been one hell of a spiritual battle, and some parts were hell. Nofap has strengthened my relationship with Christ ten fold. Perseverance is everything when it comes to beating this addiction.
     
    42Oh likes this.
  19. Back to the water analogy, you face reality for what it is because you can see clearer under water now, facing all the scary monsters that lurk below.
     
    42Oh likes this.
  20. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    A Christian man is one who is able to love someone regardless of their pasts. We have all made mistakes and can not come to peace with our own until we forgive others theirs.

    I am married to a woman who experienced a truly sad youth of molestation, rape, and sexual predation. It has certainly caused issues in our marriage, especially since the mental effects of her experiences are persistent.

    But true love thrives when it overcomes such obstacles. There were times years ago when I thought I made a mistake staying with her, that I should have fled when I had the chance. But now our love and marriage is the best of anyone I know, because we persisted and our bonds are ever stronger as a result.

    I pray you will no longer make these mistakes and that you will be able to heal from the ones you've made and from the things people have forced on you. Don't lose hope - Any Christian man that would make a good husband will not reject you for your past, but will want to help you heal from it.
     
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