Fantasy During Sex

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by StopHurtingMe, Jan 19, 2019.

What is the most effective way to break dependence on fantasy during sex?

  1. Gradually reduce the amount of time you fantasize during sex

    3 vote(s)
    33.3%
  2. Remove the pressure to have an erection or O, avoid fantasy completely

    6 vote(s)
    66.7%
  3. Fantasy dependence is normal, just accept it

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. StopHurtingMe

    StopHurtingMe Fapstronaut

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    Let me start by saying that I am a wife in recovery for betrayal trauma. My husband has been PMO free for about a year. My husband and I started touching one another after his 90 day reboot. Initially he would be hard immediately, but after a month or two, he returned to the pre-reboot state of requiring manual stimulation and going completely soft when he is touching me. We progressed to masturbating one another, but neither of us was ready for sex.

    I read about many men who are active in PMO addiction unable to orgasm unless they fantasize about P. So since my husband has been PMO free a year, I asked him about it. My husband says he still does fantasize about other women for a few seconds at a time when I am touching him. Initially he said that thoughts came into his mind involuntarily and then he pushes them away, and that he is working to reduce it. And I was okay with that. But then later he said that he does stay with these fantasies sometimes and that I just need to accept it as normal. When I asked him not to voluntarily engage in fantasies to get erect or to orgasm, he got angry and says I am asking too much that he not fantasize when we are having sex. I feel devestated and cannot bring myself to touch him now. I feel so bad that I am inducing shame but I feel that he is sabotaging his reboot. I just want him to stay with me and let’s work together so he does not need fantasy. I suggested we just touch each other and take a break if he feels pressured to fantasize. It’s not a big deal if he goes soft or doesn’t O. He refuses any approach other than for me to let him reduce his dependency on fantasy at his own pace, and that I just accept it. I am getting my own therapy to address this trauma response, btw.

    So what are your thoughts? If he fantasizes about P while I M him to O, is this going to keep him dependent on the fantasies?
     
  2. Uruvug

    Uruvug Fapstronaut

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    This is something that I have been wondering about for some time.

    What is porn?..... I mean, is it seeing images of sex? Is it the fact that you are watching it through a screen? If you are seeing some people having sex in real life right in front of you, is that not porn? Or is it any sexual even where you are not really taking a physical part into? Is watching a sextape of yourself having sex with another girl considered porn if you are watching it through a screen? What about if you are just remembering a time when you had sex with some girl? Is that considered porn? Is having mental images that you remember from watching porn, is that considered porn?

    The reason why I ask this question is because one of the most used phrases/ acronyms in this forum is PIED. However, the boundary between what is porn and what isn't is very blurry. So I guess it is important if you want to answer what exactly is causing the ED to have a clear answer as that what the real problem is. Maybe what causes the ED is not really the porn at all, but the fact that you keep switching from one scene to another, in other words, it is the attention deficit caused by so much content being available. Maybe you do this in your head too. Unable to get immersed in a single experience with your partner but rather feel the need to keep getting bombarded by different mental images, thoughts, and things like that. Many people in this forum just try to stay away from anything that could be sexual, anything at all, even just thoughts, but that just makes them asexual beings. I don't want to become an asexual being.

    Anyways, I am going on a rant here, but let me say this. porn is a relatively new thing, especially high speed internet porn. Fantasies have always existed since we were humans. But this problem was apparently not as common before, so what has happened now that didn't exist before. Maybe it is because the library of fantasies has increased due to the so many porn videos available. You get used to seeing all kinds of women in all kind of positions (or men if you're into that), you get used to seeing all kind of things being used, sex toys, sex machines, sex with sex-dolls, scenes of women with a bunch of men, scenes of men with a bunch of women. Maybe it is this exaggerated library of images in your head, and you revisiting them that is causing the issue. I don't know really. Maybe the reason why staying away from internet porn helps is because you start to slowly forget about this images. Will someone who has really good photographic memory be screwed then? because he is able to vividly revisit these memories in the brain?

    Sorry I don't have answers, just more questions. But these are questions worth thinking about, if we want to find the root cause of our sexual problems.
     
    AlexWillDoIt and StopHurtingMe like this.
  3. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Yes it will keep him dependent.
    The stimulation should come from the intimicy and attraction between you and him.
    Everything else will destroy that intimicy
     
    StopHurtingMe likes this.
  4. Reboot16

    Reboot16 Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Gotta get away from needing that dependency. By fantasizing about more extreme things or other women that becomes / stays the "norm" for him. IMO, he still needs more abstinence from porn. Does he have some self-esteem issues as well? He might feel better if he started working out and eating better as well.

    One thing that helped me a ton also is as I got away from porn and began working out (this is a great idea as well as it helps libido when you feel better about yourself) and feeling a lot more masculine and good about the way I looked in general is I started also reading some articles about what women really like in bed. Then when I would have sex with my wife I would focus on mostly pleasing her while enjoying the feeling of everything for myself and that's been a ton of fun, haven't had to worry about losing my erection or anything like that for a while whereas it used to cause quite a bit of consternation for me. It'll be tough for you to bring these types of things up though - if you bring up him working out, etc. he might feel like you're unsatisfied with the way he looks, etc. Does he come to this site? If so, hopefully he'll read some of these suggestions as they were quite helpful to me.
     
  5. Iambrain

    Iambrain Fapstronaut

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    I dont think the benefits of nofap could be felt if youre having pornographic fantasies. Especially when they are intrusive. He shouldnt have to fantasize a out other women to get it up. I think he should try something else maybe meds if hes gotta. Fapping to porn playing in your mind isnt really nofap. In my opinion
     
  6. Pedantic_Amphibian

    Pedantic_Amphibian Fapstronaut

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    I'll just speak to my experience, but am going to mention that I am single, and have been single during my nofap time.

    I started initially with the standard mood; ie no porn or masturbation but sexual contact. I did have pretty quick success, but hit a wall because I would engage in fantasies while having sex.

    I did find that going into hardmode, no sexual release at all aside from wet dreams, killed the fantasies within a month. However, after ending hardmode I've noticed they will come back if I start to entertain them, and that leads me to quickly slide back into addiciton and sexual dysfunction.

    The greater realization is that I'll likely have to reboot far longer than I anticipated, and really be mindful of my thoughts while engaging in sexual contact.
     
  7. HopeForTheFuture

    HopeForTheFuture Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the input @Pedantic_Amphibian I am also single and doing NoPMO hardmode at the moment. I was wondering about the fantasies part and if they come back? I will not let my guard down.
     
  8. Pedantic_Amphibian

    Pedantic_Amphibian Fapstronaut

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    They can come back, yes. It's indicated two things to me:

    First, I probably need to abstain and reboot far longer. I've gone 90 days and 111 days, but realistically it's probably going to be a year or even more.

    And then yes, Take mindfulness with everything and everyone I engage in.
     
    HopeForTheFuture likes this.
  9. AlexWillDoIt

    AlexWillDoIt Fapstronaut

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    Those are REALLY good questions, and I am working on those too. Once I asked my boyfriend if he has sexual fantasies while we are having sex, and he too said that to come he thinks about something, that is if the situation we’re in is not really hot or we try something new.
    Now for me I think the problem are all those images, a really mess of too many different scenes and I can’t find one to hold on to. Thinking back, when I started to masturbate, I already had sexual fantasies, never had seen porn. So I guess sexual fantasies are perfectly fine and natural. We are sexual being, animals if you want.
    So for @StopHurtingMe , I think if he does keep away from PMO he is on a good way. Don’t get to anxious about his thought. We all watch other people, find attraction to others, but that doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a natural instinct we have. You never see another man and think he is hot?
     
  10. AlexWillDoIt

    AlexWillDoIt Fapstronaut

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    Those are REALLY good questions, and I am working on those too. Once I asked my boyfriend if he has sexual fantasies while we are having sex, and he too said that to come he thinks about something, that is if the situation we’re in is not really hot or we try something new.
    Now for me I think the problem are all those images, a really mess of too many different scenes and I can’t find one to hold on to. Thinking back, when I started to masturbate, I already had sexual fantasies, never had seen porn. So I guess sexual fantasies are perfectly fine and natural. We are sexual being, animals if you want.
    So for @StopHurtingMe , I think if he does keep away from PMO he is on a good
     

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