Facing my problem

I have realized I have a problem that has ruined large parts of my life for years and it has ruined my relationships with women again and again. I am 35 and did not have any longer and meaningful relationships until my wife who I have been married to for two years now. She moved here from another country to be with me and she has struggled hard to fit in. In the beginning of our relationship I could stay away from porn. When she had to leave the country temporarily for visa reasons it started again. Then she got terribly sick for months and months and it started to happen semi regurlaly in secret (in the bathroom with my phone). It was incredibly stressful and I guess that pushed me to relapse into an old addiction from single life I didn’t know I had. I never completely stopped since even after she got better and our married life also started to improve. It happened maybe once a week on average, sometimes none a week, sometimes twice a week. It kept me from fully connecting with my wife sexually and I was in denial of this. I also denied and lied when she asked me if I ever look at porn. My wife has also struggled with severe depression and all kinds of issues from being abused as a child. It’s been very hard to deal with that. She has become isolated and dependant on me.

When things were actually going pretty good in our marriage she found porn searches on my phone. Life has been hell ever since. She loves me but is extremely hurt and hateful towards me. I have had to face the full extent of something I should have faced long before her. I was completely unaware of how messed up I was. It has been altercations between us that goes on for hours and hours.

It has been easy to stay away from porn since “D-day” 33 days ago but we have also had a lot of sex, surprisingly the best sex I ever had. Everything else is just darkness, grief and hatred. She has been wanting to leave but is dependant on me for everything. I have told her I’ll take out a loan and give everything to her if that is what she needs to do but she also keeps saying she will kill herself if we break up. We’re just stuck in this hell. I am trying hard to sort out what happened and my part in it and also what I need to do and what I really want.

When she asks me question I often tell half truths and dissemble without realizing it. It always end with a horrible fight that slowly coaxes a straight answer from me. I am incredibly frustrated with myself and don’t understand why I keep doing it. She already knows the worst. Why is it so hard for me to say exactly what I feel?

 

Thank you, everything is very scary right now. I’m trying to stay functional so I don’t miss any work and stays able to pay bills.


I am very interested in the reboot process. I need my wife to support it though. My secret behaviour has caused her all kinds of insecurities about how I see her. I’m not sure if abstaining from any sexual activity might be even more damaging to her.

I have started a small journal, it helps sorting out everything a little bit.