Expirament

Man all I want to do is relapse. The thought in my mind is whats the point. The POINT is I owe it to myself to have a happy healthy life. That doesn't include weirding my brain out with artificial dopamine hits followed by zombie land. What my body needs is a rest

 

man its the low that creates the vacuum to PMO. SRSLY. Thats what it is. I know for sure now. Getting out of this depleted mindset and existence is everything.

 

I feel the pull to relapse right now, and I almost did mentally. Its the thought, well this one time doesn't matter. There is probably some truth to that, like I won't die if I do this, yes true. However, PMO represents this incredible pattern and time suck in my life that has robbed me of getting what I want out of life. I have to think just for a moment if I'm willing to do something that isn't according to my long term goals and aspirations. Why would I do something that I don't deeply want? The truth right now is that I'm sitting here, kind of burnt out, I have some stuff to do, I'm avoiding some things, I'm in a little bit of pain, I need to take care of myself take a step back until I have a little clarity. Thats whats really going on.

 

what a waste. My resolve to change my behavior is crumbling under my desire to escape. I'm still in relapse mode. I'm trying to get out, I'm having a hard time. I don't know what I'm doing this to myself. Either don't do PMO or don't say your going to stop. There is some self deception going on here that I am so conditioned to I can't even detect it. Now I'm kind of pissed offf. Relapse really sucks. That anger could funnel into 100 more relapses. I've got to suffer out of this hole that I'm back in. I want to get back to where I was. SUCKS

 

srsly, relapsing just put me in the most foul mood. I have like no energy to do anything now. So dumb. I wish I could hold onto this feeling and remember next time I feel like PMO is an option. I don't know how many times I need to prove to myself that it isn't an option. All it brings is worn out misery. Yeah I felt high for like 15 minutes but now I feel DEFLATED. I feel irritable, overwhelmed, bummed out that I relapsed. I'm disappointed in myself because I am putting in effort. Its the self deception thats really sucking right now. In a moment of clarity Im saying yeah for sure I don't need this etc etc. Then when I'm worn down, and I'm in a crap mindset I act like a sneaky little bastard and try and get a fix. I can see that I'm doing it, but my head is up my ass while its happening. There have been a number of times that I've made better choices and felt the gratification that goes along with living my principles. Right now I'm dealing with this empty fall out of violating my deepest desires, and turning my back on what I really want. I wanted to have a productive day, I wanted to push my life goals forward. I didn't want to be feeling like I do now, and I brought this feeling on myself. Now I'm going to have to struggle twice as hard just to do what would have been fairly simple. So frustrating. I can't afford to do this to myself ever again. EVER. If I do it won't kill me its just going to put me a step away from what I want in life. I have to decide if I'm a person that says one thing and does another, aka a shifty mother fucker that won't stand his ground, Or if I'm a person that is willing live my principles. I have to look at my situation right now and decide what needs to change. A short list:

I need more sleep
I need ROCK SOLID daily routines that I NEVER MISS. Nightly reading, daily exercise. Daily goal setting etc.

I'm failing in my routines so my deeply ingrained habitual mind is taking over.

Reminder, I can do this. The only way I'm going to be able to do this is if I think and do the things that will bring about the change I want to see. I have to protect success not failure. This needs to be the end of my deficit life style.

 

I just wrote out a great progression of thoughts and grounded out a pretty significant PMO craving. THEN I lost it haha. Damn internet. Anyway, the point is this would you rather have a dopamine hit followed by discouragement and time wasting leading to more of the same, or would you rather go about the rest of the day patiently doing what I can and set myself up for more success? If I think about the scenario and the reality of the choice I'm making my desire to escape through PMO stalls out. Then I'll get into another task and start feeling a little anxious and it starts to creep up again. So, the challenge is to keep reviewing and revitalizing my healthy mindset. Again and again and again and again as many times as I need to. My healthy lifestyle is born completely in my head and if my mind is taking a back seat my addiction will likely drive. The automated process in the brain drive unless some kind of conscious structure is imposed. I'm imposing the structure until it becomes habit. Right now its a bit of a pain to remind myself, but it will be come worth while as I reap the benefits which are not a few. I live my dreams. PMO isn't part of that picture. When our desires match our expectations the windows of heaven open. I desire a productive successful life, and I fully expect that I will accomplish it.

 

Back to day 1 dammit. I didn't PMO but I PM'd but that is stupid. Ok well what am I learning. Any lapse in judgment, ANY can equal relapse. Review goals. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for my health, I don't need PMO. I DON'T. PMO will keep me stuck. PMO drives me down, takes my energy, gives me what Idon't want out of life. Re committing myself now. Walking away from my computer.

I can't be in denial about what this represents. Even though right now I can't feel it if you scroll a couple posts up that emptieness is real. I can't afford to deplete myself now and risk tomorrow on more relapse. This is a moment to walk away. I can do this.

Walking away.

 

PMO is no substitution to sleep, or unwinding. Right now I think I'm turning there rather then being willing to slow down, and shut off. My body needs rest, I owe it rest. I didn't sleep very well last night and I'm genuinely tired. I need to go review my routines and get ready rather then procrastinate and PMO my brain out.