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Expirament

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Mr. Sunshine, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. Inactive User

    Inactive User Fapstronaut

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    Day 14 is great. I have around 10-20 minor thought attacks each day, but I instantly push them out. It's easy, but it is continuous—resisting gets hard when I don't prepare for it or do it often. But yeah, so far so good. I guess another reason why it may be easier is because I have struggled with it for 7 years and gradually began to notice triggers and how to respond from it. I'm pretty ashamed that it has taken so long for me to be this serious. I was honestly expecting it to take only 2-3 years. Whatever. I guess I have to learn some things the hard way.

    Hey, for a quick boost, you should check out my list of "myths" that I compiled:

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/quitting-after-a-lifetime-of-not-caring.142181/

    Thanks Mr. Sunshine!
     
    rostronaut likes this.
  2. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Working late and wrapping up my day, looking forward to sleeping. I've been doing my best to prioritize and do whats best for me and my dreams and so far its been working pretty well. I don't expect myself to be perfect in my efforts, but with that I know that its possible to live PMO free. I"m excited to keep going. Interested to see what I'm going to experience on this journey.
     
  3. Carabu

    Carabu Fapstronaut

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    How's it going, getting easier or more trivial to keep avoiding PM? keep going bro you're doing great
     
  4. Flappo

    Flappo Fapstronaut

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    You can do it! I am doing the same in a way. I am 25 years old and for the past 12+ years I have been caught up in heavy PMO, drugs (everything under the sun but predominately marijuana and cocaine), excessive alcohol, and smoked cigarettes for a long time. I believe I used all of these things as an emotional "crutch", like you said. The first to go was the cigarettes. I smoked about a pack a day and loved cigarettes. I haven't smoked one in 9 months. Every couple years, since I was 18, I would have brief periods of time lasting anywhere from about 1-3 months where I would do a lot of cocaine (always accompanied with drinking). I would do it every night, or at least every other night, while I was drinking at the bar and trying to get laid. The reason these coke phases would only last a couple months is because it was so expensive and so blatantly obvious it was that it was severely detrimental to my mood and physical health. This summer it was particularly bad, I quit that completely in August. Next it was the weed, which since I was 13 has been so ingrained in my life. It basically was the meaning in my life, what I spent my money on, what I did when I was with my friends. Everything revolved around weed. After the first couple weeks staying quit was easy, I rarely get an urge for that. Shortly after that I quit drinking, but not entirely, I still allow myself to drink once a month at the most, only in social occasions, and no more than 3. From the age of 21 I frequented bars and grew accustom to drinking basically every night anywhere from 6-12 beers. And now I'm on Day 32 of PMO, started because I read how it had an effect on energy and mood. I quit all these things because I was so desperate for a change in my life, to have energy for once, to have a stabilized mood and not be so goddamn depressed all the time. And it seems to be working great. My release now is lifting weights and running on the treadmill, reading a good book, I'm also teaching myself how to play the piano. Sorry for writing the novel. But what you are doing is good. You are giving yourself the best chance at living a fulfilling life, all the "immediate" pleasures are never fulfilling.
     
  5. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Well I'm still hanging in there, I don't feel great right now. I just got back from my run. There has been a little bit of family drama this morning and I've been pretty frustrated about it. Parenting is hard sometimes. I strive to be unified with my wife as we parent our children and we don't always see eye to eye. Basically welcome to life. I know in time things will blow over and we will all be alright, it can be hard to find the eye of the storm in the thick of challenges. Anyway, I'm working on giving my best measured response rather then just being impulsive which is a struggle for me. I'm dealing with some physical pain too right now, my back hurts and i'm pretty tired. All that puts me in a little bit of a vulnerable place right now. I may need to take a break and assess my situation from the birds eye if the burn out gets too intense for me to manage. PMO has been a crutch in these times in the past, also PMO has kept my head so far up my ass that I haven't been able to make those important decisions when it matters most. So here is to day 5, keeping my head out of my ass, and more importantly treating myself and those around me with patience and respect. I know if I need to I can take a break, phone a friend, get some sun, get a healthy snack, cry? Life is real, it feels good to be writing this in a time when I know I really need to. Good luck to all!
     
  6. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing, Id buy your novel haha. For real tho, all the things you mentioned seem like a fix but its so far from it. Its all a desperate attempt at escape, at least thats how its been for me. I have these hangups that I stuff a million miles down and they rear their ugly head as temper tantrums, PMO, power trips, avoidance, manipulation of others etc etc. It sounds like you are on the right track and a serious fist bump for that. Coming clean off of all of that is a breath of fresh air and also a completely new way of looking at the world. PMO for years has kept me from living what I term as a "full and abundant life." IMO it doesn't really matter if its coke, weed, PMO, or drinking, or shitty food in vast quantities for that matter. Really, anything thats keeping me from living the life that I really truly want needs to get cut from the team. I read somewhere that its a problem when we desire one thing but then expect another. Its like I have wanted, deeply wanted a more full and abundant life, but I've expected that I would be a screw up. Its this whole paradigm where I'm not allowed to make mistakes, and even worse learn from my mistakes. SO, hows that for a novel? I can see the sun through the clouds right now, I know I can push forward, i know I'm not destained to fail.....side note there is no such thing as failure only learning. A good friend of mine always says, "win or learn." I want to keep winning and learning!!! Best of luck and thanks for chiming in, it adds so much to my day.

    best
     
  7. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    its going good, rolling with the punches trying to hone in on my good habbits. How are you doing?
     
  8. Flappo

    Flappo Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong. The path to enlightenment is through discipline.
     
    Mr. Sunshine likes this.
  9. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    yeah it is
     
  10. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    still trucking through my day and feeling ok. Not great, ok, but I'm doing my thing and that feels good.
     
    Inactive User likes this.
  11. Carabu

    Carabu Fapstronaut

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    Longest streak I've had, I get to see my girlfriend once a week, I just run into some difficult moments but I honestly don't think I could do it without her. But yeah, I got a job and college is going great :)
     
  12. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Alright here it is Monday, still no PMO. I had a minor set back the other morning where I woke up with Morning wood I masturbated a little, but stopped. I don't really know how to make sense of it yet, I wasn't fully awake, and its an old habit. I decided not to reset my day counter because it didn't really feel like a relapse for me. To each their own I suppose. Anyway, I'm starting my day I have quite a lot to get done. I'm going to spend a little time reviewing my goals and getting my priorities straight.

    Interesting note. Since I've stopped PMO, I've gained weight. Its like my addiction is trying to express itself in other areas. What I'd like to see happen is me learning some new and previously very difficult coping mechanisms and skills to come back to center when I get stressed or angry. Food isn't a substitute for PMO which isn't s a substitute for life skills. Its a long road, I have hope and some confidence that I can learn a new way of thinking. I've got to keep looking at my triggers and further understanding my thought processes in those moments. I think most people would tell you that I have a tendency to be a little doomsday at times, I think some of that must funnel into my Addiction. So today I'm cautiously optimistic. Feeling generally happy has been a trigger to PMO so I'm trying to watch the manic upswing. I've tried quitting like 1000 times, this time is different because I know more, and I'm going to stay vigilant with my triggers etc. This time is different too because I've replaced PMO with other things like exercise, meditation, blogging, etc.
     
  13. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    dang just as I expected I feel pretty triggered to PMO. I'm trying to understand this feeling right now. I have a lot of energy, I'm a little antsy, I feel impatient. I'm slightly overwhelmed by a problem I'm trying to solve right now........why does all of this equal wanting to PMO. Its not a particularly BAD feeling but its like my natural tendency to want to channel it into something sexual? This particular feeling has ended most of my attempts to change this behavior.
     
  14. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    I'm pretty triggered. I'm busying my self with work right now. This is a good time to remind myself of my goals. Why do I want a life free of PMO? Because it has been a wet blanket on my emotions for years. It represents me staying in a safe neutral spot in my life. I want to extend myself and accomplish my dreams, I don't want to hide in the basement and wank away my creative potential. I want a full abundant life and PMO isn't a part of that life, its a distraction from that life. Its been a discouraging harmful influence in my marriage and has done nothing good for any of my relationships in life. PMO clouds my brain, and drains my motivation to do hard things. It has been a couple seconds of pleasure rather then achievement. I don't need it. What do I need right now? Nothing? A break? I just started working? hhhmmmmmmm
     
  15. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Alright, another day down. Today was interesting, I had those really strong triggers in the morning. Writing out my feelings and my goals and seeing how they matched up made all the difference. I'm going to go back to what I said before. Its a problem when we want something and expect something else. For years I've been expecting that I would mess up because I thought that on some level I was a mess up. So there ya have it. As a man thinketh so is he. Interesting to note the urge to PMO from an anxious state of mind really passed in 10 to 15 minutes and it took about that long to write everything out. I feel a sense of satisfaction, and its just further proof that I really truly don't need PMO in my life ever. If I had relapsed I would be going to bed emotionally depleted, and inwardly angry. Now I'm going to bed genuinely tired and just a little bit proud of myself. PMO is a one way ticket to having a brain low on dopamine. Life is really hard to deal with with low dopamine, everything feels overwhelming, everything seems too big to tackle, nothing seems that happy or worth it. That whole paradigm creates the vacuum that feeds directly back into PMO. Tomorrow morning I think I'll go on a run, listen to some music, organize my day and continue making some progress. Note to self, if I feel like PMO is the answer to my emotional state, I will do exactly what I did today and that is write out my feelings, review my goals, understand the disconnect and see it for what it is. Addiction has so much to do with perspective. The solution to our problems changes depending on how we view the problems. I'm learning the difference between solutions, and quick fixes. Ok goodnight.
     
  16. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    alright, just getting my work day started here. No major triggers, I'm looking forward to exercising and getting my head straight on my priorities. I have a deadline that I'm under and I need to get some things organized. Not totally sure how things are going to come through, but things will work out as I apply myself. I can feel a the forward momentum of making progress and also the draw to my old mindset. I think the trick to all of this is finding that measured, disciplined center. I'm not down in the dumps and hopeless relapsing, I'm not manic and disconnected and relapsing, I'm centered, self aware, I have my goals in front of me. Why is PMO such a thing? It connects to my primal drive to procreate, seek out sexual novelty etc. That part of it is primarily a masculine trait, the seeking out sexual novelty. Don't want to shoot my mouth off in this gender neutral everyone is the same society, but the girls that I observe tend to seek out sexual security not novelty. So much of Porn has to do with the exploitation of women. Its primarily about sexual conquest. While it is true that some women view porn, I have a feeling its for different reasons then men do. For years I've tried to understand the disparity between Men and Women when it comes to sexual addictions. These forums are full to the brim of Men trying to understand themselves and how to live in society and in families with out causing harm. The guys that run these high speed porn sites really know how to take advantage of the male brain. Endless sexual novelty, Endless potential partners. I read this thing about gambling addicts and it was really interesting. The thing that gets them super hooked is not the act of winning, because how often do you actually win? But its the anticipation of a win. Split seconds before you take that extra card, or pull down the slot machine there is this flash of dopamine that floods the brain. Same thing I think holds true with PMO, its the anticipation, the endless sexual novelty that gets me high. Once the O rolls around this this huge let down and the fact that my brain is literally running on fumes is made apparent. Some one needs to do a study with men and women when it comes to dopamine levels and sexual novelty, or different sexual cues and dopamine.
     
  17. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Starting my day out here, I was up late working the primary reason I was up late was because I was avoiding some work that I agreed to do and didn't actually start till around midnight. Now its the morning and my head hurts and I'm not really stoked for my day. I feel a little anxious and you guessed it triggered. It is feeling a little different then It used to tho. I feel this draw to PMO but at the same time when I think through it, and I am thinking through it I'm not actually interested at all. I don't want to deal with the emptiness, the brain fog, risk falling back into old waste of time patterns. I'm more interested in doing some stretching, closing my eyes for another half hour, planning out my day. It's an interesting thing this PMO. I know it is different for every person, but its a long story of me dodging physical and psychic pain. Often its the pain I cause myself, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, lack of exercise etc. I get depleted and anxious and I turn to PMO to pick me up out of that dumpster, but it leaves me even lower, and then I want to pick myself up again. So this past little while, I'm starting to feel some benefit from exercise, I'm starting to feel a little more clear headed in general. NOW, its time to knock another thing off my list. I need more sleep, and I need to learn to prioritize my time according to my long term desires and goals. Me being tired and depleted, angry, frustrated, these are my BIG cues for PMO. There are others, like when I feel like celebrating and let my guard down, or when I am more on the manic spectrum. Primarily its when I'm feeling low and in pain. Sleeping is going to help me on a lot of levels. I've always hated going to bed, I'm not sure why, maybe its the 5 year old in me. OK, universe, I will go to bed when I'm tired, I will give my body rest. My body is a gift, I will give my body the gift of sleep from now on. As I give sleep, exercise, and good food to my body, my body gives me longevity, inspiration, and focus. Thats all for now.
     
  18. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    I'm officially feeling sorry for myself right now. Thinking about where I am in life, wishing I was further, comparing etc. Its not productive thought. I need to air out that dirty laundry and find a more positive place to be.
     
  19. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Here is a thought. Good things only come as I project the success I want, not the failure I fear. Tomorrow is anxiety, yesterday is Guilt, today is joy.
     
  20. Mr. Sunshine

    Mr. Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    well, win or learn.... today I learned. Resetting my counter back to zero. I think my poor sleep habits combined with a lapse of judgement brought about a relapse. I slipped up, more appropriately didn't listen to the voice telling me to stay on course. I ignored it and looked for stuff on my phone, THEN I thought well, i might as well and then I relapsed with my desktop computer. Haha putting it like that makes it sound so unappealing. I relapsed with my computer, because in PMO you are literally having a relationship with a computer, there is no human element only the illusion. I'm no dummy to how PMO works, I'm learning how to beat it. I forgot that I was through forever. I am through forever. Heres the thing, now that I relapsed, I'm going to feel low, I'm going to want to relapse again to deal with the low dopamine situation. I can't go around being this depleted anymore. I don't know why I"m avoiding rest and taking care of my self. I have this desperation to do more, to be more entertained, to escape etc. I don't understand it. I should simply want to take care of my self and sleep when I'm tired, but I'm fighting this childish battle in my head. I need some clarity on that. I wonder if in some ways my Dopamine addiction applies to other areas of my life. I wonder if I stay up late in search of a hit in a different form... Its hard to say. These are the realizations I need to have so that I can make the decisions that will serve me rather then the ones that will serve my addiction. I am frustrated right now, but Its important for me to pick up the pieces right this second and get back on track. Anger, disappointment, hopelessness have lead me right back into PMO. There is such a danger to say "well I relapsed oh well," and secretly be anticipating my next relapse and put up a half ass effort to convince myself I'm still in this. I can't lie to myself, deceive myself. On the other hand its easy to say, "whats the point," and continue relapsing. What does it mean to truly learn from a relapse. I think it has to do with taking my mistake and looking at it through the lens of the new me. I've got to see this the way an outsider would see it. What advice would they give me? I know this morning I was looking for a pick me up, I won't need pick me ups if my energy is coming through sleep. I can't replace sleep with caffeine, sleep with tv, sleep with anything. I am healthy. What do healthy people do? They don't abuse their bodies and then rely on stimulants to function. They give their bodies energy and time and in return their bodies give them focus and stamina. I've thought this like 5 times this last week, I've got to take a deep breath and realize that taking care of my self is what I really want. Taking care of my self is in line with my deepest desire, staying away from PMO is in line with my deepest desires. Relapse, sleep deprivation and retarded entertainment are more inline with my fleeting momentary itch to escape. Sobriety, taking care of my self getting what I want out of life, is in line with my deepest desires. What happens to a person when they don't live in line with their deepest desires? There is some kind of disconnect, I have felt that disconnect for years. I will never PMO again. More importantly, I will take care of myself, I will do the things healthy people do because I'm healthy. I will live according to my deepest desires. OK, now I'm getting clarity the disconnect is this. I feel like there are times when I don't need to live according to my deepest desires. Why not reward myself according to what I really want? I want to feel good, to be productive, to be happy. I need to give myself gifts that bring about that state. PMO simply doesn't reflect that. Its a momentary dopamine hit followed by mental haze followed by more urges to escape etc etc. More later. Its go time today. Dealing with setbacks is dicey business. I am a student, I am learning.
     

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